My Twin refers to me as his best friend, but our relationship says otherwise?

TigerGoddess76 · #1 04-08-2016, 01:50 PM

Hi everyone! :)

So, to give a teeny bit of background, my twin and I are both 22. We met when we were in high school and dated while we were 15 for a year, broke up for assorted high school reasons, but stayed very close afterwards. We dated again for a year in college when we were 18. We broke up because we were both struggling with depression. Since then (it's been about 2 years since we broke up) we've still been inseparable.

Things are always up and down, and usually it has to do with him briefly dating other people. He's been in 3 brief relationships since me and him broke up the second time, but they always end for some combination of reasons that usually have something to do with his girlfriends not liking how much of a connection me and him have. Even while he's in other relationships though, our relationship doesn't change much. It feels like our relationship is very much outside and separate from other relationships, and it isn't usually very affected by other people.

For the last few months he's been single, and things have been really great! We're with each other as much as we can manage around our work schedules (usually like 3 days a week) and if we're not together, we're playing video games together online. We have the same group of friends who we've known since high school. We're also constantly telling each other how much we love each other, buying each other random presents just because, and have a pretty intimate relationship. We don't make any major decisions without the other, and function best as a team. We even have a vacation for just the two of us planned for Salem this Halloween.

So last night I decided to hint at the fact that I feel inadequate sometimes when he's dating other people, because I feel like I'm not enough. And I explained that he sees them romantically and wants to be in an "official" relationship with them, but the two of us are not. I haven't brought this up in a long time, so he seemed pretty surprised. He said that he doesn't see me relationship-wise and that I'm his best friend and more who he loves very much and does everything for. He said that looking for romance with other people doesn't change how close he feels to me, but said that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. He also said that he'll never date anyone who isn't okay with the relationship that me and him have, but why would anyone be okay with dating him with how me and him are?

His perception of our relationship does seem to change every few months, so I don't know. A few months ago he told me that me and him are on the same page, and a few months before that he was saying he wanted to distance himself at the height of his depression (which didn't end up happening). He tells me he loves me, picks me up for dinner in the middle of the night when he gets out of work some nights, spends a lot of time trying to make me happy, goes on vacations with me alone, so I don't get it.

I'm confused. Is this just a part of being twins? Or am I making things up, and I should take his word at face value and do my best to move on?

I feel that he's always looking for that "honeymoon phase" with other people, and doesn't recognize that the way that we are and what we have is what romance turns into.. because we were in that phase at one point too, but our relationship has matured and turned into what it is now. He calls that best friends, but personally I would call that a mature relationship that we've both worked very hard at.

I don't know what to think.. We both put so much into "us," so what do I do if he's saying that I'm his best friend, even if the way we act and the things we do say otherwise? I feel like I have to bide my time and see if his perception changes and if he "wakes up" to the full potential of our relationship. Of course I would never force him to be in a relationship, that's not what I mean by that!! Just that should I be waiting to see if he does have some kind of awakening and see our relationship for what it is, since everything we do would be a relationship for any other 2 people? Is this common with twins, to feel like the hyper-connected best friend but to be pushed to the side?

Flameseeker · #2 05-08-2016, 12:18 PM

Step back & away from him, date other people & let him yearn for what you have then when you come back together you can experience the honeymoon phase over again ?

Ripple · #3 05-08-2016, 12:58 PM

Agree with Flameseeker. Do your own thing. When you back away then he may be put in a position to realize what you share together and how he wants you in his life.

TigerGoddess76 · #4 05-08-2016, 01:53 PM

Thank you both for the advice. :)

Backing off is going to be difficult to do, I won't lie about that. But I think it's a good point that pulling back a little may make him realize things himself, instead of me trying to push him. The constant push-pull is maddening, and it's usually done by him, so for once I think it's time that I try it and see what happens.

The idea of having a second honeymoon phase seems like it would be difficult to achieve, but I'll do my best!

jojobean · #5 05-08-2016, 03:06 PM

is your relationship platonic or physical?

TigerGoddess76 · #6 05-08-2016, 03:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jojobean

is your relationship platonic or physical?

It's physical, it always has been for as long as we've known each other. Basically, we do all of the things that a couple would do but he says we're best friends and that he doesn't see me in a relationship sense, even though he has in the past.

intj123 · #7 05-08-2016, 05:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TigerGoddess76

It's physical, it always has been for as long as we've known each other. Basically, we do all of the things that a couple would do but he says we're best friends and that he doesn't see me in a relationship sense, even though he has in the past.

So he gets to make hankey pankey with you AND other girls?
What a lucky guy.

ForgedInFire · #8 05-08-2016, 05:23 PM

I'd kick that "twin" to the curb right away and never look back. Thats man code for "im available for others besides you too whether you like it or not'

eliana israel · #9 05-08-2016, 07:02 PM

ahh, I wouldnt put my whole heart into this hun. Something isnt right.

hineahuone · #10 05-08-2016, 11:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by eliana israel

ahh, I wouldnt put my whole heart into this hun. Something isnt right.

Agree with the above posters. Seems like this guy is taking advantage of you and keeping you at a distance as it suits him not to have his cake and eat it too. I have a similar situation with my twin who wants to play around while in a relationship with another woman and keeps trying me out to see how easy I will roll over for him. I have said no to him several times now and told him that I am not going to see him again while he is in a relationship. I do not believe that as twin flames they should be allowed to get away with that rubbish and you need to set strong boundaries of what is acceptable. Having strong feelings for them is also setting you up for trouble, so do more work on being whole in yourself. I am feeling very powerful now as I know that twin is struggling as he cannot see me and I am probably the only person who he feels calm and comfortable with. The others would all be insecure and clingy and making him feel uncomfortable and trapped. Your boy may think the world is his oyster, but he is eating a lot of surimi while missing out on the pearl. Value yourself.