Many years ago I was living in my families home country. I was on a spiritual path already as I mainly moved there to " find myself" and was blessed in meeting a spiritual guide and teacher who had changed my life and my consciousness. I socialised with many people who also were part of his students and I was also welcomed in his family as one of his own children.
I was single for a very long time and I had told my spiritual guide I felt like I had someone who was for me, I ached for him and I was confident that when I would meet him. I would just know.
He knew how much pain I felt and I didn't date as I felt I'd be wasting my time when I knew that there would be the one for me.
My sc was part of that family. I met him at social gatherings and I was 25 - 26 then he was three years younger.
We did not speak to each other as I was not close to his friends. But I remember that when he would show up at gatherings I felt like I knew him and what he was about.
I knew his girlfriend at the time and she was horrible. She was sleeping around behind his back as one of my friends knew his best friend would like to gossip and tell me what was going on. I would be fuming as I felt he was a diamond soul as I call it and remember telling her" if I had him I would treat him like a King"
Fast forward few years , I'm 32 and as luck would have it he needs my help in the work that I did.
And he came to my home and then I felt the rush of energy all through me. My soul screamed this is it.
Now we both have had the same spiritual path so we were not so much in need for an awakening. But we both were at certain personal emotional crossroads.
From that first meeting we just clicked and started talking about almost everything ( we were supposed to be doing work
) and he was in a dilemma as he was in a long term relationship but expressed his deep doubts about her. He felt that she wasn't the one, he believed that there should be a deeper connection ( just like I believed) that he wanted to feel like he clicked on a deeper level with someone and she was not it.
As time progressed we worked together and this would go on for a few months and we formed a deep friendship. We had a high level of respect for each other and the work finished but we didn't.
I don't know why I felt like my soul say whatever happens do not let him go.
Normally if it was any other guy that I had such deep desire or feelings as a woman and it was not mutual I wouldn't have bothered to keep contact.
I don't run after guys it's just how I've always been.
But I don't know why with him it was like ,stay , no matter how he sees me or how painful it was for me deep down.
On the surface I was what he wanted me to be, what he needed me to be . His dear friend. But there was an undercurrent of pain I was experiencing silently which no one knew.
I reacted badly to his desire of me being out in a friendzone , I woke up all my insecurities as a woman and dated someone else , partly to release the pressure I was feeling as a woman and I think on a deeper level wanted to provoke him just to see if maybe he'd notice me, maybe I'd hit a jealous nerve to desperately see a sign that he did feel the same.
He was going through his own issues as I see it now , It wasn't about not wanting me personally, he was trying to clear himself from his past relationship but I was interpreting that as rejection. When I look at it now I do remember him discreetly trying to approach me, but he did it so lightly I was too blind in my belief he had rejected me I did not believe it then.
Also I was too afraid that if I did show him I'd ruin the friendship we had and I think he was afraid as well.
I got pregnant with my boyfriend so that was the end of it.
I never got over it. It is something you can't " get over" he become a part of my being , like he lives inside me. No matter how far I moved away, no matter how deep I tried to bury myself in a marriage and child and totally create a new life somewhere else I could not erase him from my soul.
9 years later and I still feel the same as I did the first day he walked into my home, he walked into my souls home.
He is now with someone else and will marry so he is gone basically.
We have tried to reconnect but it has been hard so I have stopped trying.
I just have come to the point of acceptance that he is gone for good.
Only in my prayers and in spirit do I still send him my love instead of thinking about him everyday with sorrow and regret .
If I can't love him with my body , I can still love him with my soul.
I don't know what the future holds but I have taken any expectation in regards to him out of my hopes.
I leave it all to the divine and just live my life now.
This whole experience did dig out some dirty worms , I realised I did not address before him, and it changed me as a woman and helped me come to terms with some deep rooted insecurities and issues.
And most important of all to finally seek myself, truly seek myself cause this all was a very lonely painful process which no one knew or knows about but me.
It taught me to stop lamenting the past, stop worrying and fearing the future and to really live the present and be grateful.
I would say to anyone, this is no ordinary love, and for all those who know this know how life changing it all is.
To answer you questions in brief:
Not so much now.
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