Do you think these "signs he is in love with you" articles are right?

Crwydryn · #1 01-09-2014, 07:22 PM

I have to admit I keep reading them.

Clover · #2 01-09-2014, 07:34 PM

Those articles generalize and are very vague. When men tell you they are not interested, it simply means that. For the most part, men are pretty simple with their language. They are'n't as analytical as women either He did give you an answer, " we would never be together". That is a very bold statement to make. I would accept that and move on.

This is strictly my opinion.

Crwydryn · #3 01-09-2014, 08:05 PM

As I said I moved on, dating other men, but he is still my friend and it bugs me sometimes.
It is just incredible how many websites write about these or other signs and interesting to see that in spite of the self-work I still go back to read them from time to time. Do women really want to believe in fairy tales or is it just me?

Crwydryn · #4 01-09-2014, 08:10 PM

And I really don't understand if he thinks we would never be together why he still wants my company. I just want to understand what's going on.

Kaere · #5 01-09-2014, 08:21 PM

A man who is into you will never give another man a chance to get his shoes under your bed imo. This man's behaviour is saying exactly what he's said... he is not interested in a romantic relationship but wouldn't mind being friends. Or... wants to keep you wondering and waiting, like a fall back girl. Don't be that girl.

Sometimes you have to listen to a man's actions instead of his words and then adjust your behaviour accordingly. If his self-esteem is that low, well... it's not your job to validate him. He's got to do the work... know what I mean? You can be kind and caring... but be those things to yourself as well and remember what you're worth.

Silver · #6 01-09-2014, 09:18 PM

Hi there, Crwydryn

I think what Kaere said is reasonable, and my only departure is that I'm wondering why it is you can't just be friends? You can go on just like you say you're doing and continue living your life, but you don't have to ignore him totally, when you really can be friends.

I get the obvious message that you're interested in more than that from him, but the reality is almost always that guys will tell you straight up how they feel, so no real reason for you to fight city hall and just go for the friendship that he claims is available. (Although I can understand if you have a super-duper crush on him, it would be almost impossible to be close to him and know you'll just be friends.)

Wandering_Star · #7 03-09-2014, 01:03 AM

I agree with everything Kaere said. Especially the "don't be the fall-back girl" part.

In my own experience, there is no doubting when a man is in love. You don't have to second-guess it, try to decipher him, run down a checklist. That's because both his words and his actions will be congruent with each other. He will tell you he loves you, and he will also act from that love.

Some men are very showy when to comes to love; others are very quiet, but the important thing is that what they say and how they behave match. And action is what really matters, because it's the hardest to fake and sustain. Talking about love is easy; real love is what people do, even when it seems difficult.

ETA: I'm not around very much, so I did some back reading to see what I was missing, here.

It sounds like you're in a similar position to a dear friend of mine, in relation to me.

He fell in love with me, and I liked him very much from the start, but was never even remotely attracted to him. There's nothing wrong with the way he looks, but I just feel no spark of desire for him at all, and never have. In fact, there's even a bit of revulsion at the idea of sleeping with him, because it would be like having sex with my brother, or the close male cousins I grew up with. He's not blood family, but I feel like a connection to him as if he is, and I genuinely love and care for him as I do my siblings.

We have a lot of common interests, and enjoy each others' company, and we met for dinner and "dates" frequently for many years. We'd go listen to music, or hang out at the marina with a bottle of wine at sunset and talk, or drive to a nearby city for cultural events. I really enjoyed all the time we spent together. But for years there was always that tension--I knew he was utterly in love with me, and I knew there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.

If I got with him to make him happy, I'd be destroying my own happiness, and ultimately I'd only make him miserable. But I couldn't just end the relationship entirely; I loved having a "brother" and best friend who liked the same things I did, and we did have lots of fun despite the cloud of unrequited, one-sided romantic love hanging over our heads. I advised him through a couple of unsatisfying relationships where he was baffled by his girlfriends' behavior, a bad marriage, and a messy divorce--knowing the whole time that he really wanted to be with me.

Finally, he decided to go to grad school overseas. We didn't see each other for four years. But while in grad school he met a lovely woman, fell head over heels for her, and married her. And now that he's finally found love and happiness with someone who truly desires him, we are able to have a great friendship, without that cloud hanging over us.

And I suspect your male friend may be feeling the same way about you as I feel about my male friend. He may feel a brotherly attachment, and genuinely want your friendship without having any desire for you. It happens. And if that's truly the case, then wondering how you can win him over, or trying to make his words and actions mean what you want them to, rather than what they actually mean, is only going to keep you stuck in pain and longing. You can't make someone love you in the exact way you want to be loved. They either will or they won't. But you can choose how you deal with it, whether that means deciding not to see him again, or deciding to accept and enjoy his friendship and let the romantic desire drop, or it may mean some other solution. But it sounds like he's been perfectly clear where he stands.

Renessme · #8 03-09-2014, 01:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kaere

A man who is into you will never give another man a chance to get his shoes under your bed imo. This man's behaviour is saying exactly what he's said... he is not interested in a romantic relationship but wouldn't mind being friends. Or... wants to keep you wondering and waiting, like a fall back girl. Don't be that girl.

Sometimes you have to listen to a man's actions instead of his words and then adjust your behaviour accordingly. If his self-esteem is that low, well... it's not your job to validate him. He's got to do the work... know what I mean? You can be kind and caring... but be those things to yourself as well and remember what you're worth.

Oh this was eye opening! Yes, if he really loves you he would want nobody but you and will not stand it if someone is with you. Men has a habit of giving a lot of excuses, you deserve better, im not enough, blah blah blah. If you want me go for it and dont take no for an answer.

And thank tou for reminding me that it is not my job to validate a man's self esteem. Your right! If he is not telling me right to my face that he wants me then its clear that he doesnt. We women should stop reading between the lines because point is there is nothing to read. We are just the ones putting meaning behind what he said, what he did.