Disillusioned with the Light, my destiny is obviously Darkness...

I have become disillusioned with the light path. I can't measure up 100%. I doubt too much, I just can't seem to hack it. I've tried, but all I end up doing is just shooting myself in the foot so to speak.

I'm drawn more to the Darkness - please don't judge me on this, but the left-hand path feels better to me. I was heavily Christian from about three years old to when I was seventeen when I deconverted, and I tried to explore some sort of spirituality of light and such things. I have no interest in converting back to any form of Christianity whatsoever, so please, I've made up my mind.

I feel my only recourse is one of two things - one, deny Spirit altogether, and live as an atheist, or two, delve into the left-hand path of spirituality. I would want to be in contact with other entities beyond this world, divine or otherwise, for some reason, I don't know why. Some form of Pascal's Wager perhaps.

I can't be of the Light. I have too much darkness in my heart, though I am not an evil man, I am just not of the higher pattern enough.

This may be one of my last postings on this board. I'm strongly considering hanging up my hat here. To all of you guys who have struggled to help, thanks. To everyone else, I wish you a safe journey in light and love - a journey, alas, that I cannot go on.

[Gem]

Originally Posted by Kangarus

I have become disillusioned with the light path. I can't measure up 100%. I doubt too much, I just can't seem to hack it. I've tried, but all I end up doing is just shooting myself in the foot so to speak.

I'm drawn more to the Darkness - please don't judge me on this, but the left-hand path feels better to me. I was heavily Christian from about three years old to when I was seventeen when I deconverted, and I tried to explore some sort of spirituality of light and such things. I have no interest in converting back to any form of Christianity whatsoever, so please, I've made up my mind.

I feel my only recourse is one of two things - one, deny Spirit altogether, and live as an atheist, or two, delve into the left-hand path of spirituality. I would want to be in contact with other entities beyond this world, divine or otherwise, for some reason, I don't know why. Some form of Pascal's Wager perhaps.

I can't be of the Light. I have too much darkness in my heart, though I am not an evil man, I am just not of the higher pattern enough.

This may be one of my last postings on this board. I'm strongly considering hanging up my hat here. To all of you guys who have struggled to help, thanks. To everyone else, I wish you a safe journey in light and love - a journey, alas, that I cannot go on.

Measuring up to expectations always makes people feel bad; it's never good enough. I guess almost everyone has experienced that... I have, and it's totally ****!

[in progress]

Lol! I think shooting yourself in the foot is part of all paths!

Best of luck on your exploration.

[running]

From reading your post It seems you got a lot of religious programming built up in your mind. Good luck working it out.

[Gem]

Originally Posted by running

From reading your post It seems you got a lot of religious programming built up in your mind. Good luck working it out.

maybe you read the part which says "I was heavily Christian from about three years old to when I was seventeen"... and made up the rest.

[Albalida]

Originally Posted by Kangarus

I'm drawn more to the Darkness - please don't judge me on this, but the left-hand path feels better to me. I can't be of the Light. I have too much darkness in my heart, though I am not an evil man, I am just not of the higher pattern enough.

This may be one of my last postings on this board.

Wait, why are you leaving? I mean, I thought there were non-Lightworkers here, who can ponder about death, and self-empowerment, and the alleviation of suffering that is not a surrender, and peace and quiet (that itself can be "dark"), and yin balancing.

[running]

Originally Posted by Gem

maybe you read the part which says "I was heavily Christian from about three years old to when I was seventeen"... and made up the rest.

You crack me up. Dark side, light side, can't measure up, higher pattern, the whole thing sounds like religious programming. From what it looks like to me is the purging of the programming. Getting ready to see the world is round. Not black and white.

It is not a lightworkers only site! I am creature of of balance, dark side is strong in me, but I feel complete well here. My avatar picture is Hunab-ku, something like mayan Yin-Yang and it is a sign of balance, of light and darkness together, I feel it like my path. I completely understand you, even if you are more dark. It dont mean evil.

Just be happy whatever you choose :)
Dark blessings :)

Originally Posted by running

From reading your post It seems you got a lot of religious programming built up in your mind. Good luck working it out.

I've actually undone a lot of it over the years, mainly it has been because of help. I got over various prejudices over the years thanks to good people who just happened to fit those prejudices. That certainly speeds up the job. Unfortunately, there's a damn lot of it, and some of it is on the face of it useful for maintaining a moral compass in line with law and order.

If there's any of you reading this with a struggle like mine, keep up the good work. And don't worry, I have a strong incentive to finish it as quickly and efficiently as possible - the example of a particular ex-girlfriend. She was older than me (when we had met, I was 21, she was 30 going on 31 - yeah, strange, I know) and a bit too easy, but she had a lot of religious programming of the same nature - not sure where exactly - and she had mental problems of her own. I think the rogue programming, without any real spiritual love to sustain it, turned nasty and made her go insane, as the last time I saw this particular ex-girlfriend, was that she ended up in the dependency unit of psychiatric.

So I know what I have to do - unless I can rid myself of the programming, or at least heal some of it and repurpose it into something useful to me now, I'll end up just like her, and that is a major fear of mine. All the same, fear can feed into the renegade programming, like a computer virus.

I think I'll take a break from the site for a bit. Besides, I have a vacation coming up soon in Vietnam. Perhaps I might learn from the Vietnamese something of how they find a sense of beauty and moral benefit without the Christian ****. Well, when I say Christian ****, I understand how that religion works, but I mean it doesn't work for me. I have met actual Christians who were far more liberal than the programming I copped, which wasn't even from family members. Maybe it works for others here, if so, congratulations on finding something that works for you, just don't preach to me about it, or you'll wonder why you're seeing my back and not my front.

I don't want light, just enough for a nightlight and to keep me going. I actually think this quote is from a Legend of Zelda computer game, and I'm probably going to paraphrase it badly but, those who become so devoted to the light, also get blinded by its glare. And if there were aliens out there - which I believe there is, if only by the sheer volume of our universe - if one of them were like us, but evolved in a nocturnal life, their ideas of light and dark would be reversed as to what us humans think.

Wish me luck with the vacation, and getting rid of this toxic meme! I hope to be back more refreshed and positive, whether light or dark, very soon.

[Arcturus]

all paths require effort and so conflict would be inherent in any choice. why have a light or dark path, which is purely conceptual anyway. knowing yourself is not a matter of path or light or dark, it requires insight only. any path is a religion of sorts.

I would want to be in contact with other entities beyond this world, divine or otherwise, for some reason, I don't know why.

boredom maybe?

i might join you with a break, atb