Feelings..

Just now my awarness was taken to a song playing in my head. I beleive its a morris albert song and one that has been around for a long time. For some reason this verse seems connected to what I am about to share...

Feelings, nothing more than feelings
Trying to forget my feelings of love
Teardrops rolling down on my face
Trying to forget my feelings of love


I am connecting to that space of love within us. When we open fully to receive most often times it requires us to open our hearts to it all. To feel it all. We can decide how much we want to receive love and care both in giving to ourselves and in receiving from others. When we open fully to self, we not only let it in much of the outside pain and love, but we have a connection within that is activated to feel what we feel. My awarness is taken to the second line of the song above. It feels important to the space I am sharing. Sometimes in feeling pain, we can often just be trying to forget the feelings of love. The pain keeps the love at bay. Feeling love for some is much to painful. Sometimes its a certain type of love that we block, sometimes its a certain type of pain and love that we block. A mix that reminds us of love and how it felt when we were children. Stepping into that space of receiving fully the love of self and others takes as much courage at times, as it does to face the pain of self others. If one has lived a liftime of painful experiences intermixed with love, then the experieince of simply receiving love fully without pain can often feel very foreign and frightening in itself. Stepping into that space of receiving for me was almost as frightening as stepping into the space of facing my darkest fear. I wonder if that is why fear and love are so intricately bound as one....

[Sarian]

Who wants to be hurt again. Who wants to go through that? Who dares to trust again and in this day and age, it's seems even harder to trust.

I'm sorry, I'm having a rotten day...and the ex just threw a stack of bills at me. I just got done running all over paying bills that he neglected and they were going to be sent to creditors... I said he was still living here 'rent free' I paid the mortgage again...as I have been all the years married and this whole year while we go through divorce... he spends upwards of 8 hours a day on the phone with his sweetheart. I said he is still here, so he should still be paying the electric and the phone bill. He blew up at me and called me a f-ing piece of sh**, an ungrateful b**ch and told me how I should die.

I long since stopped loving the man but I'm still sitting here with stinging watering eyes. I just want to curl up and shut out the world.

Originally Posted by Sarian

Who wants to be hurt again. Who wants to go through that? Who dares to trust again and in this day and age, it's seems even harder to trust.

I'm sorry, I'm having a rotten day...and the ex just threw a stack of bills at me. I just got done running all over paying bills that he neglected and they were going to be sent to creditors... I said he was still living here 'rent free' I paid the mortgage again...as I have been all the years married and this whole year while we go through divorce... he spends upwards of 8 hours a day on the phone with his sweetheart. I said he is still here, so he should still be paying the electric and the phone bill. He blew up at me and called me a f-ing piece of sh**, an ungrateful b**ch and told me how I should die.

I long since stopped loving the man but I'm still sitting here with stinging watering eyes. I just want to curl up and shut out the world.

In the face of that onslaught and pain right now the only love in action one really can deal with is this moment right here and now...I am glad you let that out...holding that pain inside alone......sometimes just needs someone to care....

I care and understand the pain your going through....not to that extent of betrayal and abuse that you are walking through but to the pain you must feel inside. ....(((((HUGS)))))))

[Sarian]

Thanks SW. I think I'm being a big baby. I can't believe I still let things hurt me...but it does...living under the same roof for now and still living with his hateful ways, while he's on the phone with his sweetheart gushing words of love and kindness. If she only knew what he was saying to me and how he treated me.

Well, now I'm bawling my eyes out..lol, what a pathetic wreck I am. And hey, happy valentine's day. I have been having a hard time and even my best friend is mad at me...I had a meltdown yesterday and was crying all day. I need to go back to that stoic kid who never cried.

I'm sorry.

Originally Posted by Sarian

Thanks SW. I think I'm being a big baby. I can't believe I still let things hurt me...but it does...living under the same roof for now and still living with his hateful ways, while he's on the phone with his sweetheart gushing words of love and kindness. If she only knew what he was saying to me and how he treated me.

Well, now I'm bawling my eyes out..lol, what a pathetic wreck I am. And hey, happy valentine's day. I have been having a hard time and even my best friend is mad at me...I had a meltdown yesterday and was crying all day. I need to go back to that stoic kid who never cried.

I'm sorry.

In your words of "feeling" and needs to go back to stoic kid...perhaps your inner child is calling the shots here in more ways than your realize.

I understand that space of betrayal and having to live with it while its going on. I lived with my ex and had to endure only a few weeks of what your enduring. When I think back to that space of betrayal and pain of having to let go of him it wasnt easy....knowing he was off with his new woman was like rubbing salt into the wounds...more so.

Be gentle on yourself you know..honouring how you feel is nothing to be sorry about to me. Be proud your willing to feel all this...

YOu know I was just thinking about how even in the face of betrayal and him shutting me out...my love for him didnt end regardless. I still loved him, that is what made the pain more unbearable. Of course the love was based on some very dysfunctial patterns over time between us both, but deep down the foundation of love was there. When that love was betrayed..that is what hurt the most....its like someone taking a pair of scissors and cutting off your air supply.......I am glad I learned to breathe again after that major turning point in my life.

Intense topic. I will have to think about this. Perhaps tomorrow I will have some thoughts.

[Sarian]

I'm sorry for what you went through SW... especially when you loved him and he was leaving. I stopped loving mine and I'm not sure I ever loved him as I should. He was basically a stalker. I joke about it, but he was. He wouldn't leave me alone. He followed me all over, cried and pleaded... I am, even as he says "compassionate to a fault" so ...I would cry at his tears... but being older than me, I often thought he thought of me as this pathetic 'child' as he was always preaching his wisdom to me...how much wiser he was as he was older... (only 8 years)..but he acted more like a posessive father...nothing was ever done good enough, right enough. Everything had a condition on it. Can we go for a walk with the kids? "What are YOU going to do for ME", strings to everything, so like I said, I stopped asking for anything.

Anyway, I was looking at your words and you talk about the love not ending even while you are ending the marriage. Sometimes I watch him as he walks through the livingroom and I think about our lives together and how did it get this bad, but looking back, so long as I did everything his way...it was the only way he was tolerable...and I cried myself to sleep every night. But when we went to a financial advisor and sat there, he was on his best behavior because he never wants anyone to see the other side...but we were laughing and joking and for a brief moment, I stopped and just stared at him and remembered him, the person that once upon a time I once found something endearing... it was short lived...lol. he made a comment that even caught the financial advisor's attention and at our next meeting, I got there before my x and the advisor said to me, he sensed x had an anger issue. I said a bit...

Life's funny though.

[psychoslice]

For myself I have found that you cannot find love in another, I use to cling to anyone that I thought I loved, after many years doing this i finally found that all I was doing was keeping my parents together, my parents use to threaten us kids that they were going to divorce, they use to tease us that they would put us in a boarding school. This fear is what i took on, and feared anyone that i thought i loved, would leave me, it wasn't love, it was just an act that i was acting out. We can never find love in another, because we are already love, the other can only share their love. love can never hurt, if it does then i'm sorry but its not love, we must find what we thought was love and deal with that, we can only truly love when there is no more fear in our relationships, when we are only there to share what we have, not to take anything from the other.

Originally Posted by Sarian

I'm sorry for what you went through SW... especially when you loved him and he was leaving. I stopped loving mine and I'm not sure I ever loved him as I should. He was basically a stalker. I joke about it, but he was. He wouldn't leave me alone. He followed me all over, cried and pleaded... I am, even as he says "compassionate to a fault" so ...I would cry at his tears... but being older than me, I often thought he thought of me as this pathetic 'child' as he was always preaching his wisdom to me...how much wiser he was as he was older... (only 8 years)..but he acted more like a posessive father...nothing was ever done good enough, right enough. Everything had a condition on it. Can we go for a walk with the kids? "What are YOU going to do for ME", strings to everything, so like I said, I stopped asking for anything.

Anyway, I was looking at your words and you talk about the love not ending even while you are ending the marriage. Sometimes I watch him as he walks through the livingroom and I think about our lives together and how did it get this bad, but looking back, so long as I did everything his way...it was the only way he was tolerable...and I cried myself to sleep every night. But when we went to a financial advisor and sat there, he was on his best behavior because he never wants anyone to see the other side...but we were laughing and joking and for a brief moment, I stopped and just stared at him and remembered him, the person that once upon a time I once found something endearing... it was short lived...lol. he made a comment that even caught the financial advisor's attention and at our next meeting, I got there before my x and the advisor said to me, he sensed x had an anger issue. I said a bit...

Life's funny though.

Yes your pain in your relationship runs very deep. I guess for me the betrayal was a the final blow to what was always on some level a difficult relationship. Nothing quite as difficult as your own issues, but definitely dysfunction. Of course in saying it was one of the most difficult times of my life, it was also the beginnings of finding myself. Within the betrayal and loss, I found some hidden gifts for myself and used those feelings of pain to not only close the door on that journey but to open the new doors for myself..

I can see how the moment of joy would be short lived for you. Considering the pain you have endured, it would be hard to find it. I am glad for you that your giving yourself a chance at a new beginning..you do deserve it.