Hello, i have lurked couple months this site and finally registered in so i can tell my story.. this has been very confusing and devasteting time for me.
Even since kid, i felt i was some crazy mambojambo kid, always extremely emphatic and just sometimes couldnt belive my ears and eyes how wicked and crazy world sometimes seemd. I always belived in the word "listen to your heart" and i had this feeling i got something important "mission" to do and dont know what and like i got this one amazing love of my life wich im gonna find.
I have had very hard times, problems with alcohol when i was younger but psychedelics saved my life couple times if i can say, then i medicated myself with weed couple years to slowdown my toughts and fixed my life to not be so suicidal and get goodnight sleep. Even after weed and other drugs, my mind was one big wonder and i had been meditating little couple years and doing yoga another. I had one short relationship 3years ago, and i was just used and dumbed like carbage and felt bad for it long time because of that.
Couple months ago, february-march i was in a bar with my friend, i was very exhcausted cause dancing and running that night to get some weed (didnt like to drink this time, only consumed little amount of weed to enjoy dance more and get my social anxiety to minimum AND to keep my thoughts and inner feeling focused cause this time i always was looking if i find some nice girl and didnt want to be drunk if i do so.
So, we stopped dancing there, i had very weird feelings, huge euphoria like no other and spaced out feeling, i just drank water and keep thinking what is this feeling. (this moment the girl im gonna meet told me she walked pass to that bar and they tought if they go there with her friend but passed it) So we went out, i felt exhausted friend still got me forced to next bar because "why the hell not". He payed me in and we were just watching at side of the dancefloor where people were dancing, and then things started to happen. Some guy pushed her friend to me from the dark corner, she slammed right next to me and was sorry and her friend wanted us to handshake (wich felt weird apology). We handshaked and saw glimbse of that girl, something familiar, maybe from dreams or like how would i have imaginated my dream girl. Time pass a little, then the same guy who pushed the girl to me came to me and said shes interested in me, wanna hangout with her or something like that. I was just like nah.. maybe.. i just came look places and maybe dance little. Then i got little shaky feeling like now i need to move, i changed place and went to the sofa like what just happened. Then the girl passes me couple time and looked me, the eyes... so beatyfull and deep and like she was watching right throught to my soul. I got weird magnetic feeling right away that i need to check this maybe this is something good.
Well, then i ran away to the dancefloor and noticed her right away, we saw eachother and the attraction came right away, we smiled and danced harder and harder and i was full of energy again and never met any girl who dances so crazy hard like me, i was glad i met her. We danced, she gave me non alcoholic drink cause i didnt have money and was feeling bit weak and thirsty. Then started the slow dance part and like magic we wanted dance slow them all, we grabbed hand by hand and danced and it felt so natural and so unexpected to come in that situation i was like can i even belive what is happening!?
We danced and smiled together and throwed some smalljokes like i never do this "me neither" then our foreheads connected and our lips touched and we just waited what happens next, i started a little and carefully, like the girl was supersensitive or something like that, because i am. We kissed and felt like the whole world disappeared, i felt so horny right away and she just looked deep down to my eyes and said now lets have fun! Just the way i wanted, i brave girl who goes right into it and nothing else. So we went to her apartment and had good time, it was hard to look at her eyes cause her eyes looked so familiar to mine like i was looking into mirror and was bit shocked. Sex was like so enertically matched and i could read everything from her and we did tantra and everything (never ever trained tantrasex) like 10hours and all. Cuddled so much that it was overwhelming, most of the time we was just wrapped tightly eachother to feel like we were one, sometimes it felt like our bodies melted one and our heartbeat would be one too.
So... the sex was like i was in heaven, time passed by, i didnt get any sleep next to her even when i tried to dose off with marijuana. She got same horoscope and her birthday is right next to mine 1-day difference, shes still like 9-10years older. Her lastname was same as that friend who forced me in that bar, it freaked me out a bit. Then i knew their bigbrothers got the exactly same name, and her bigbrothers girlfriend got same last name as i got. Then i got to know se was living couple last years right next to me (under 2km with her guy friend and a child). We talked MUCH it was so natural, like everything we said matched with us like we could be somelike best friends or something like that! We almost and did end our own word sentences. Like the thing she got big middleage crisis last summer, i was like what the f**k i HAD IT TOO. In this time i was like is this really happening, last summer i was in picnic with my friend and had huge anxiety attacks and suicidal toughts coming from nowhere about how im old and im just going older, and im just over 20's!!. And i felt like i couldnt control these dark toughts. Then i knew she dumped the guy just in the ending of the last year, bad daddy material i think so.
So.. we had much in common, she played a bit spiritual yet easy lovesongs when we were lieing in the bed, i liked them. She had hindu statues and symbols all over her placement (my sister is hindu) and i knew alot about it too. Even when we met she had shirt with ancient egypt symbol.. she made food for me and we talked bit and then we left the apartment together, i was like am i gonna ask this girls number or fb or what? What if shes not so interested? Then right away when hugged and kissed she was already walking away said ad me.
So.. things start from here.. so i was so full in love that i could barely stand it, like i was going absolute crazy. I called my friend and he came right away with a car and i was like crazy things happening, cant think more. Went to friends house and smoke weed so much that i would barely get a word from my mouth. Well, it worked a little time, maybe couple days. Then i was like feeling weird and paranoid do i have telepathic communication with this girl? Then i was starting to have heartattack symptoms when i tried to forget this girl when i was stoned, everytime i let go felt like my heart exploded from my chest. It was crazy, first time in couple years i felt like smoking weed is not the right thing for me right now. So the girl started messaging right to next day like did i get any sleep and etc, next morning she send a lovely song about old couple dancing and send me pic when she wakes up. So we talked little maybe couple days a week almost a month, then se went more quieter and so did i. I went off the weed and felt crazy, like every dark corner in my mind came on surface and i needed to handle them and let go.
Time passes, then i get this weird urge to get big long walks to get my mind right, i walked throught nighs from sunset to sunset and just tried to get my mind back in places. I felt so huge angry sometimes i just yelled so much i could and went even in deep forest to yell and begging god on my knees what is happening to me. So After we met, my heart was in so big pain, like someone is burning it i was laying on bed and just trying to let go and i was shaking and vibrating and feeling like somekind of devil was possessed me. Days after days i felt so weirdly energetic, like i was 24h/7 on amphetamin high, couldnt focus on anything and slept badly. My heart was burning. So it escaleted to that point i was couple days awake and in somekind of psychosis, i saw bad people like bad evil spirits and their eyes where like eyes of snake, i went of and started walking to the city at night from our familys cottage, in the middle of the night, i watched behind me and saw christian cross moulding in the air from white northernlights and couldnt belive my eyes and then disappeared . Police took me and gave me a ride, they say i was alot older than what was in my papers. In this time i was so freaked out i couldnt handle it. I wandered in city and walked to home, i was feeling so hot like in hell and went to river and broke the ice to get some bath. Walked in zero celsius almost butt naked and just cried what was happening to me, i was literally losing my mind.
So police came and took me to hospital, i felt huge heart pain in left and right side of my chest and just cried the hell out of me. I was in hospital bed hyperventilating and wanting them to cut my headoff (dont know why, just felt so suicidal and crazy at that moment) well, i didnt said to the doctors anything but they started to act like they were going to remove my head, but it never happened, they just pumped me sedatitives and get me oxygen so i could breath. They put needles in my vains etc and said now your gonna sleep, i didnt want to. I tought i was gonna die. I ran off the building couple times, second time got out and ran my legs to blood till i was too tired and throwed on the ground and police took me and send me to mentalhospital. I was doped up in drugs 4 days, did yoga everyday so i get out of there fast i can, didnt felt anything. No sadness, no love, no hate. Only sick and like i was in hell.
So i got out and figured out i had some sleeping problems, eat their pills next month and dropped them out competlty, the doctor even wanted me to take stronger zombie neuroleptic pills but i didnt even want to taste them. They just say "took these so you dont get maniac attack and then your at hospital". When i get out i messages and called for the girl and told what was happened, and how much i felt love to her. She just denyid it that i was talking mambojambo and her kid was a little problem to her that i couldnt see her. We even talked before the hospital thing that we need to see eachother but neither of us sent any messages and then she was like she has too much work and all time she has goes for the kid, that i need to find young studentgirl. I was like im not interested about young chicks. I said to her i love you and your kid no matter what, and i wont let anything ever come between us, and we ended the call. I tried to call her couple times but she changed her number. So we havent been in contach like in 4months now, like 3months ago i started to let go of her, everynight the pain was so huge, the PULL it was like rope inside my heart and truck pulled it. It was so painfull sometimes i wanted to knife my own heart to stop it.
So i read some stories here and thought is this my tf? The girl is in in my mind everyday and like nowhere i got huge pull in my heart and i start think about her. In nighttime its biggest. 2months ago i got like knifestrikes in my heart after i lettet her go fully in my mind, like couple times a week. In these months i have felt like my heart tingles, spinned, solarplexus vibrates, vibrates under bellybutton, some knife striges under right and left side of ribcage. Some pain in solarplexus. But nowdays i often feel pleasant pull under my left chest, i even felt big pain attacks in my right side of chest next to heart. Even when i write this thing down i have felt very powerfull pull.
Weird thing is... when i tried couple months ago text to her, she didnt answer, only read the messages, i gave up. I dont want to bother anymore, likely gave up. Then, month for that she follows me up on instagram. What? Still zero contact.. but noticed couple times i have been very long time off from social media and go online and put something or new pic and she puts a new pic or thing rightaway too... like she is answering for me, but not straight away. I just got to know she bought an instrument for her, she loved playing it when she was younger.. i thing she got issues from last relationship and dont wanna contact me or something.. dont know. Its hard to let go. I was drinkin one day after i hadnt saw her in months, went to one big store and almost walked straight to her arms, spooked out and got warm feeling to my head and ran away. Dont know is she running or me. I was doing actively yoga before i met her and now i have more likely drink alcohol a lot and felt depressed and sometimes even suicidal, i almost even killd my self because i was so drunk. These heart pulls and strikes and palpations... what is this.. is this connection making this or me? Very first week when we met and i send her messages... every time she saw them i got huge heartpain/pound in my chest like i was feeling her strongly, Dont know is it cause by her or just me? Confusing.. can someone light things up?
Sry, for the long post but i really got like no one to talk about these things that happened to me
, i dont even have a lot of friends even when im very attracting and smart guy.
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