destructive in relationships

hello all

i follow destructive patterns in my relationships its happened since i was young.
everything starts of rosy and i am the most loving caring person around then something in life may go wrong or i will get a vision in my head that something is not right and the relationship will end so i hit the self destruct button.

i then become controlling angry and argumentative and push my partners away. i done this too the mother of my first 2 kids. we had an on off relationship for 7 years but something inside always told me she was lying about things so id push for a response.

it turned out she was lying but would dig herself a bigger hole as i had anger issues back then and have a very loud deep voice that intimidates people when i raise it. anyway after 7 years she had enough of me and told me to leave and thats when i met a spiritual friend by accident .

this friend then worked with me for 10 weeks developing the spiritual gift she told me i possessed . after about 6 months i met a new girl who had alcohol issues i didnt know this at first but she turned into a violent drunk she attacked me a few times on nights out and controlled me for 5 years . i kinda looked on this as my karma for doing this to my previous girlfriend.

during this time we both worked with my spiritual friend and i quit weed i actually stayed clean of it for the whole 5 years we were together . my spiritual friend had told me that if i quit life would improve for me but my choice of partner made this not the case. i was ok financially but was depressed as my partners controlling got worse until the day i walked out.

i then went on to meet my present wife and one day early in the relationship we had smelt weed whilst we were out for the day . neither of us drink at all and when we got home she spoke to me about the weed smell and said she fancied a joint. being still connected to folk who smoke it , it wasnt hard to get her some i rolled that first joint for her but as i handed it to her i said you know if i start smoking this you will be making a monster out of me.

my family had told her im much more chilled when smoking weed and she said this too me and convinced me it would be ok which it was for a while we got married things were going great and business was booming in my trade.

then the recession hit my business slowly went down the pan so i started growing my own stuff to avoid paying for it , within a year i was well connected with an internet group of growers and was making my own oil to smoke and plenty of it too i was hitting up to 50 dabs a day off a ti nail and got more and more paranoid that things were not right so i started pushing her away.

after 5 months of this she had enough and kicked me out , my spiritual friend came back in and told me was the weed and i quit immediately to try to save my marriage. i worked hard on myself for 3 months the power i had was amazing and i gave freely helping others my wife saw the changes in me and we started dating again and worked stuff out.

when we got back together i was extorted for money by a gangster who knew what i was up too so we decided to move town. maybe i should mention that my spiritual friend had also told my wife to kick me out and told her she was nuts for getting back with me so soon. maybe with hindsight she was right but i couldn't forgive my wife for listening to her and cast it up a few times in arguments .

when the gangster extorted me for money btw i made a pact with god that i would quit weed for good . my wife hadn't stopped smoking it whilst we were apart and assured me as long as i avoided the oil id be fine smoking it . deep down i knew this wasnt the case but agreed because at the time i was trying to do anything to please her.

within 5 months of moving we hit financial trouble and i fell into a deep depression , i stayed in bed for the next 8 months ignoring the needs of my family because i was down for breaking my pact with god i also couldn't get work so had gone back to old habits and hated myself for it.

the controlling behavior began again and i stopped showing my wife affection at all it was like i knew the end was coming so i sped it up . i was scared to go out as i was having suicidal thoughts as we were living on pocket change and i knew they would be looked after by the insurance if i just walked in front of a car or something similar.

during this time believe it or not my wife didn't moan once to me or stop me sitting in bed all day talking to grower friends she actually said she didn't mind.we decided on another move to a far off place and i thought deep down we were getting on ok then 7 weeks ago a major row happened and she dropped the bombshell she didn't want to move away.

i had been offered work away in the new place and couldn't see her reasoning we sorted the argument out i talked her round actually, then we lasted 4 more days before she exploded over a nothing comment about the baby and told me to leave. she has done many hurtful things to me since and i kinda deserve them for controlling her. we are now getting on ok for the sake of the baby who i see every weekend . my wife strangely enough moved back to my old town which is further from her family and got housed as our daughter was born in this area.

i was left with nothing and had to move back to my family home . i have quit weed again and spoken to my spiritual friend who told me i must stop my drug taking and controlling behavior as god had plans for me and i avoid my gifts. my wife is no longer interested in us as a couple and i cant help thinking i was misled by my spiritual friend who told us a move away would be the best thing for us and had good vibes about it at the time .

now im in limbo i know me and my indigo wife are supposed to be working together helping people but that never happened. she seems much happier without me, but i cant get her out of my head and know i need to sort myself out first . i do my cards daily but get conflicting cards every time i ask about my wife and i sorting stuff out. i have been trying to give freely but whilst my heads like this i struggle to connect and turn the monkey mind off .

i know this is long winded but i need to learn to relax and turn this off i just cant get her out of my head to do it . ive kinda just had to detach from her when we see each other and put all my concentration into not asking about her life and concentrating on our daughter but its hard to switch off and progress whilst we are apart. can anyone help me?

love and light in advance just for taking the time to read all this :)

the doors closed is it over i hear your words but are they true
in my minds eye i see rainbows when i think of future times with you

the doors closed is it over is this really what you feel
it seems the hard times took us down and i wonder is this real

the doors closed is it over are we really at the end
my head reels at the thought that the most ill be is just a friend

the doors closed is it over cant believe its your desire
hear you saying you dont love me that theres no longer loves true fire

the doors closed is it over it slams shut behind my heart
im thinking should i wait for you do we just need time apart

the doors closed is it over i feel lost for what to do
i hear the lock draw shut and all i think is i love you

the doors closed is it over a single tear drops from my eye
i want to cry a river but it seems the wells run dry

the doors closed is it over in my heart its screaming no
but until the door swings open i really have to go

the doors closed is it over will it reopen time will tell
for now i must face forward, cant look back i musnt dwell

the doors closed is it over or did you close it long ago
too wrapped up in self to notice that i didnt even know

[Silver]

I really like your poem, strongbow.

We want what we want when we want it...we just can't count on a thing in life, it seems, so we are forced to go with the flow. Blessings to you.

thankyou silver girl i write a lot i find it helps love and light

[Smiler]

Beautiful Ode strongbow ~

I read your OP ~ I would like to share my thoughts.

We all make mistakes in life ..Forgiving yourself is the first step.
Learning to love Yourself Is the next step .
Being the best you can be for yourself is the next step.

Drug ..or Alcohol Abuse ..leads to abusive environments amongst other things IMO. I say this as I have as Mother watched a child of mine struggle with *smoke* for over 10 yrs ..and I have seen first hand where my child went. Drug free now ..at 28.. Yet I know its almost like the drug calls my child when under duress. This is what IMO needs to be fought ..to have the best of you ..And to give the best of you.

I have a family member who drinks ..its a dark journey that one as well.
I have a friend I love who mixes the two ..all from pain endured in last 2 yrs..this friend has changed sadly.

strongbow you cannot change another ..you can lead the way simply by being yourself ..*the best self you can be* And hope this shows as a beautiful light.

I believe some arguments are needed to throw every thing up in the air to create a more solid truthful ground.

When you think of her ..as you are healing yourself ..Do something like you did above (Ode) Create .

I wish you many blessings
:)

i will never go back to drugs smiler im entering a new 9 year phase now and ive had my calling from god he has shown me that i will keep losing all i gain until i do the work i was put here for . i have a long road ahead of me and step 1 is to relax in my own company and a little bit of solitude to learn to love myself. i need to find out what i like and what i love about myself. deep down im an amusing confident dude and have a gift for bringing laughter to people so im going to work on getting that back as i lose that side of me when on the path of drugs . step 2 is deleting and changing all my friends who take drugs from my life which is going to be pretty dam difficult as thats nearly everyone in the town i live. im lucky enough to have quit drinking years ago so i know where that road leads and im not going back. step 3 is hopefully to win the heart of my wife again if shes still there when im ready to love her like she deserves to be loved , failing that at least i will be happy enough within myself and if god gives me another chance at love i will be ready to grab it with both hands :).
love and light smiler and thankyou

[samantha]

Hey Strongbow! Welcome to SF. I have had similar relationships repeating over and over except i didnt have any probs with drink and drugs, i was brought up in a dysfunctional family since i was 11 and was abused since i was 13. Luckily until i was 10 my mum and dad were together and everything was good, probably my happiest years. Due to the abuse i ended up feeling like nothing an empty shell and had many many issues that i didnt realise i had until my late 20s. All my relationships were the same i seemed to attract people with co-dependancy or abusive or just plain asses lol! I couldnt understand why this was. My instinct told me everytime i met a guy not to go there it will be the same as the others but never listened and it ended up being right but i couldnt understand how can you know just by looking at a person or talking for a few mins, only gifted people can do that(so i thought). Since my awakening i have realised this was intuition and i remember using it when i was really young but lost it somehow, then i realised that all my rships were really my fault, i was attracting these people due to issues that was buried inside me. So until i have all these issues done with then i might be able to be with someone without the probs i have encountered before. It doesnt seem to me that you are actually causing the problems as you said ur first wife was lying and u picked up on that, you said that she had enough of u and told u to leave yet she was the one lying and anyone will get angry when their loved one is lying, it seems she maybe had enough cos she knew she couldnt fool you anymore. Aparently the reason or main reason we get addictions is because of some deep pain or issues that we have not came to terms with, i believe especially in my case when we meet these people with problems we are being shown of our own they may not be the same problems the other has but there is something in us that attracts these people and i am a loving kind person too which makes it worse. The first thing is to find what it could be it could be something from years ago you may not find relevant, it could be a number of things, but until u find the reason it will keep happening. The poem you wrote can actually help too if you like writing as its a great way to express ourselves. This is a website i found answered alot of my questions and has great info its called -Internet of the mind. Hope this helps

i know the reasons samantha i was also abused to a small extent by my father and he abused 2 of my step sisters quite badly noone in the family knew this was happening and as i was his only child the abused sisters took their pain out on me. my father also had numerous affairs and took me along on dates to football matches etc as an alibi or excuse. i remember one time he took me to watch tottenham play and stopped to pick a friend and her son up on route. that was the day i actually realised what he was up to as i asked the son how long he had followed the team and he told me he didnt.

when he said this i glanced round to see my dad canoodling with the woman and cuddling onto her acting like a lovesick teenager. i eventually told mum what she deep down already knew and spent the next 3 years being driven to this womans house every time he said he was working late in the attempt of catching him.
funnily enough this was the first time i was ever guided by god as we left one night after again not catching him up to something we pulled out of this womans street and as we approached the end of the road a voice in my head said if you want the truth look left but remember the truth will cause great pain.

i looked left and saw my fathers car in the womans local pub car park the voice repeated remember great pain , i told mum she went into the pub caught him bang to rights and had a fight with dads mistress. after that i was battered by mum for still meeting up with him and constantly belittled and abused by my sisters mentally for years. so my main problem is that i never really recieved love as a child all i got was shown that people lie and mistreat each other and i kinda expect everyone to be the same .

maybe deep down i struggle to love me so i feel no one else can love me either so i destruct the relationships i know the first few were not good relationships but this one was great and i blew it.

thankyou for the link and your insights love and blessings

[samantha]

Sorry to hear that, its not nice to go through especially as children. Its very hard to overcome especially when everything goes wrong at once then you have allsorts to deal with. Try to remain positive about ur marriage.

we are getting on great for the sake of our daughter but tbh it hurts like hell my gut feeling tells me we will be together but i have to work on me first .

thankyou and blessings from my heart