My personal Development

How can I put in to words. Words fail..they trip over themselves. We, I can never say what I mean - as I mean to say it. I fumble over punctuation, sentence structure, going back and re writing it to sound as I meant it to. Anyway, I have been going through a lot of personal development, I feel it, inside me. I can't really explain it but I'll try and explain its effects - on me.
I feel in myself a stability that has long been absent. Things feel right which didn't feel right before. Before, I could never get comfortable; I was always fidgeting with the pillows on my bed, or complaining with an inner sense of restlessness, about the way things were around me. Now, I realize it's not about any external thing; it was my internal state all along. When I'm happy, all around is fine. I am happy and content. This is a wonderful feeling that feels like home. It was something, some knowledge, I had known deeply but had become obscure to me, somehow - due to time, and, dislocation of my personal sense of 'self'.

I can put it no other way. I've had many insights also as well. Those I can't explain, but feel. I can try. I am realizing (and this realization had been existing in me some time since, bubbling up but never over into a completion) that in simplicity lies happiness. In hard work lies happiness. In hard work is fulfillment, and in fulfilling work is a sense of meaning, and purpose. This had been missing from my life for nearly 2 decades, covered over by a half embracement. I had fallen prey to the message -to be cool is everything; to be cool was always the common denominator to my everything; it filtered in everything I did, thought, said, or acted...to some degree or another. nullifying and cancelling out or making useless any of my other values, pursuits and feelings put to actions/behaviors. My dad taught me hard work and satisfaction. Then public schooling denigrated that; that atmosphere, and the world at large - taught me how to disconnect from myself, to become one of the mass grouping of people, to be able to do what they're told, but to have no direct connection to an inner sense of "self" or of a personal agency as it pertains to my own drive. In fact I feel it went out of its way to do the complete opposite in most regards.
Most of my worries are fading, simmering away also. It's like an image in your rear view mirror of your car slowly fading away as you drive forward. You still see it, but it gets further and further, and you know you are leaving it. That is the best way I can describe it. I feel alone now, and a lot of things. No way I can do justice to explain it in this small text. At least I have some way.
It just felt necessary to put here. I thank you for your...time.

Thank you.

[God-Like]

Hi Net .

Having been influenced in some way by others whether it is sound advise from your father or a sense of being a part of the same crowd at public school all gives you an impression of self .

Without the comparisons had one could not relate / feel how any of that resonates with you .

Many end up coming to a point in one's life where one say's sod this, I am just going to be myself cos being anything other than that just continues to feel as if one is always swimming against the current .

It kinda like coming to terms with how you really feel about yourself and how you feel about everything else ..

I suppose it's likened to coming into your own as the saying goes .


x daz x

Yeah I had a lot / still have a lot going on. I have weird tics, shyness strange phobias..weird quirks, anxieties. I seem to be restless, and jumpy.....Stuff seems to be fading out, though...which is weird.


It's good because I finally feel great... I'm feeling more adjusted. But not knowing why or exactly how is disconcerting.
I seem to be finicky, quirky......impulsive: I'll jump up out of my office because I NEED an acetate sleeve for a script page i have. Just because I felt like it would be right...stuff like that. Then I overthink things, its triggered in my brain. Things are very intricate and complex, its weird. But it takes up a lot of time. I see trails of OCD, add/hd, stuff like that..general anxiety. Its just not very easy. I wish myself was less complicated!
Sometimes I'll also have urges that don't fade out, like when i'm talking to somebody and saying something..even though i've said it.. the drive to completion still lingers, its weird..and sometimes I'll get a weird look after I've said something, its like I"m looking at them trying to "let it sink in" for myself, so it feels right.

......all this stuff is very strange. All that stuff seems very normal, to some degree. I think I give too much of a f* about how others perceive me, or their reactions to me - which are inhibiting my own reactions. People like to tease, notice, jeer, and make fun....it is just how they are. Although it makes you tougher, it doesn't make it any easier to learn to embrace yourself. You have to have some level of self validation to be strong.

[Lucyan28]

Hello Net good day.

This was delightful to read, I'm very happy to know about your experience. Thanks for sharing it.

But let's not forget that feeling of not adjusted, feeling bad, being uncomfortable were necessary for your nurturing and development.

Nowadays whenever I feel "bad" I know it's necessary and I'm thankful for that, so the bad moments become brighter and full of joy.

PS: I have bad english, it's not my native language, sorry

Peace and cookies !