Bizarre little story in search of a meaning, Volume the Last

Some time ago I wrote here a message titled “Bizarre little story in search of a meaning”, which, alas, since disappeared with the lost archives. If it rings bells to anyone, it was a rather confusing story full of staring teenagers, bizarre dreams, strange coincidences, and a seemingly providential re-encounter 10 years later which led to a great deal of odd behaviour (and once again, staring) on the ”TF’s” part (I don’t think I any longer believe him to be a ”twin flame”, but as those are his real initials, I might as well call him that). I’d written him a letter a year ago, after we saw each other for the last time – without ever getting a reply from him – and in my message I was wondering if I should write to him once more. There were some lovely, thoughtful replies that I really wanted to reply to, but unfortunately those are now lost forever. But I want to thank everyone who replied. I remember LadyImpreza1111 was one of them, and a couple of others whose names I’m afraid of spelling incorrectly.

I just thought I’d write in to let you know that story turned out in the end.

I went and wrote him that other letter, telling him that I wouldn’t want to wonder later on whether he never received it or whether there was some misunderstanding, and that I’d appreciate it if he could tell me whether he’d like to meet me again – and if not, I’d understand perfectly, I’d just like to hear it from him. No, he never replied to that letter either; I guess I’d learnt by now not to expect him to ever deign to respond to me. Instead, one more bizarre coincidence happened.

I was doing something completely unrelated when a thought came to me, completely out of the blue. I was suddenly convinced that a girl I’d once seen in a photograph with him was TF’s long-term girlfriend. I knew her name so I looked her up on Facebook, but obviously that didn’t tell me anything. Then I looked her up in the online telephone directory, but that didn’t tell me anything either, except that at least she wasn’t living with TF, as her address was completely different. I forgot about this for a few days, until I started thinking about TF and this girl again. I was almost feverishly looking at her list of Facebook friends, wondering if I knew anyone from whom I could subtly ask about this. Then, without knowing why exactly, I looked her up in the phone directory again – and there it was. Her address was now the same as TF’s. In these few intervening days, she had officially moved in with him. Final touch of bizarre coincidence: on this day, it was exactly a year from the time I’d sent him my first letter.

You know, earlier I wondered a lot what all this meant; was it supposed to teach me a lesson? If so, what? Now I realised perhaps the lesson wasn’t there for me at all, but for him. Perhaps meeting me again simply taught him how much he loves and cares about her girlfriend. Perhaps I was an old crush of his that made him realise he wants to commit to the one he already has.

But for myself, I feel like I’ve learnt nothing, or worse. That the only things I’ve learnt are that it is futile to believe in anything and futile to turn to anyone else but yourself for comfort in times of need, as you’re not going to find any. Which doesn’t seem like the kind of positive lesson one would expect from a “twin flame connection”. Mainly, I’ve learnt that I was wrong to trust my instincts and my own judgment.

I don’t feel any kind of bitterness towards the girl – in fact, she has a very pleasant face, and from her eyes I can tell that I’d probably like her very much if I knew her. Oddly, though I do feel offended that he chose to treat me like I didn’t even exist, I can’t summon much bitterness towards TF either; I wish him all the happiness in the world. But I do feel bereft – bereft of illusions, perhaps, but bereft all the same. Like that was it, that was the entirety of this bizarre saga: he goes on to live a happy family life, and I go on to… the same confusion I came from. I’ve been intermittently in a dark night of the soul since 2007 (for reasons that had nothing to do with TF) and one by one things I’ve cared deeply about – beloved people, as well as aspirations – have been taken away from me. I’ve picked myself up and forced myself to go on every time, but now the darkness is beginning to feel to feel too deep to climb out of. On top of this, I’ll be having some health tests soon because I have a worrying lump on my throat. So in my maudlin moments I think that perhaps that is my fate, then: first lose everything, then die from cancer?

I’m very sorry to write such a long and depressing post, but I feel so downtrodden. This “TF” thing has just served to make me feel like the butt of a very cruel universal joke. Someone here might understand.

[NightSpirit]

Oh my...you poor dear....
Perhaps you could untwist this all by looking at it from an outsider's perspective.
TF (the oneness of his soul connected to us all) came into your life to offer you opportunity to open to acknowledging the grandness of your own soul. His rejection was his soul's function to further that opportunity for you. The insights you received were for your own soul recognition, not for making you aware that his path is not in line with your life's path, but to help you find that trigger within you to stand you tall, confident, independant and soul aware. His soul intention was not to hurt you, but unfortunately, our human-ness drives that asunder.
The lump in your throat could be the result of your inability to speak out what you have long held inside. Dare I say, it may well disappear, once you find your true voice and the love within that is your right of passage as the Lilly you portray and the beautiful soul that you are...hugs...

Thank you, NightSpirit :) I actually do feel a bit better now. Weary, but more optimistic. Even if the lump on my throat turns out to be malignant, that wouldn't be end of the world either - cancer is something a lot of people go through, after all.

Perhaps you're right about the purpose of this whole thing - though I must admit it currently feels like I made a lot more progress in terms of spiritual growth before this whole episode, and now all this confusion just crashed down everything I'd built for myself, spiritually speaking. All my creativity has disappeared as well - or not the creativity, as such, but my ability to express myself. (Which is disastrous as I have - or had - a creative career.)

But who knows, perhaps everything will be re-built much stronger than it used to be, perhaps my ability to express myself will come back one day, better and more refined than it ever was. The self-pity should be the first thing to go, and things will doubtless improve from there ;)

And as for him... well, he is what he is, wherever he is, and even if I never see him again I'm starting to think I'll never be able to extinguish the fondness and longing for him. So let it be. Perhaps there'll be to work around it so that it doesn't interfere with my actual life at all.

Thanks again for your compassion, NightSpirit.

[NightSpirit]

Originally Posted by Lilly82

Thank you, NightSpirit :) I actually do feel a bit better now. Weary, but more optimistic. Even if the lump on my throat turns out to be malignant, that wouldn't be end of the world either - cancer is something a lot of people go through, after all.

Perhaps you're right about the purpose of this whole thing - though I must admit it currently feels like I made a lot more progress in terms of spiritual growth before this whole episode, and now all this confusion just crashed down everything I'd built for myself, spiritually speaking. All my creativity has disappeared as well - or not the creativity, as such, but my ability to express myself. (Which is disastrous as I have - or had - a creative career.)

But who knows, perhaps everything will be re-built much stronger than it used to be, perhaps my ability to express myself will come back one day, better and more refined than it ever was. The self-pity should be the first thing to go, and things will doubtless improve from there ;)

And as for him... well, he is what he is, wherever he is, and even if I never see him again I'm starting to think I'll never be able to extinguish the fondness and longing for him. So let it be. Perhaps there'll be to work around it so that it doesn't interfere with my actual life at all.

Thanks again for your compassion, NightSpirit.

Just when we think its the darkest, light shines through. I do not dispute that you've done a lot of work and this process is never an easy road to walk, but walk it you do, because the benefits far outweigh anything else. Know your soul dear one...feel it with the same intensity you feel this man...this is acknowledging your beautiful soul and once you do that, you will fall utterly in love with it and any spin-off from that is like knocking on heaven's door. When you know this, the cancer will go and you will be a power-house of energy, vibrating at such a high rate that no one can resist you....even he...if he is definitely your tf. This I know. HUGS ......

[awakeningheart]

Lilly82..you are on the right path by acknowledging that you will never extinguish the fondness you have for TF. That is accepting love into your heart, unconditionally and as Nightspirit says, it opens the door to a greater love of yourself and possibly someone else.

My own little story is this..TF and I were together briefly but he left to follow his journey with another, something he was duty and honour-bound to do. For me to stop him would have destroyed us both. But we both know that the bond we have with one another will always be there. It is enough.