Healing Past Abuse

[jimrich]

Originally Posted by The Necromancer

I'm looking for some good CD's...meditation/visualisation that deal with healing from childhood abuse and trauma. Anybody out there have any good suggestions? Thanks again.

It's been a while but at the time I began Recovery, I listened to a lot of tapes by every author and professional I could find. I'd sit here listening to John Bradshaw talking about the inner child and just bawl my eyes out as his unique voice touched something within me. Most of them touched me deeply and had me in serious tears sometimes for hours! I'd imagine that you counselor can or will give you lots of leads about CDs and other sources that were not available in my day. A lot of my favorite teachers, such as John Bradshaw, are available now right at Youtube FOR FREE. And I also see that a lot of books are available as E-books and some are free so it's a whole new world now for Survivors. Also, there are online support meetings so todays Survivors have huge array of free and easy options to help them find and do what was still kind of taboo and mysterious or fearful back in my day - the mid '89s. Folks were very gun-shy about therapy, Recovery and Self Help so there was plenty of Shame and Fear surrounding family trauma and Incest until only recently. I often flip when a model of a support group meeting is shown in a film or on TV. and then my (late) wife and I get a big "kick" out of that! God bless those who pioneered the sharing meeting system of Recovery from early trauma! It worked for us.

[jimrich]

Re: Familiarity Breeds Contempt. Like most cliches, this is an incomplete and often misleading statement. I'd say that many folks were never taught how to do "familiarity" in a healthy way so contempt breeds contempt. Healthy familiarity would not breed contempt unless one of the parties was already carrying contempt in some form. IMO, most cliches are either flawed or outright wrong and need to be expanded or completed to make any sense.

Originally Posted by The Necromancer

I guess living alone, I have my own way of doing things, my own time of doing things and I can do things without thinking how it will affect others because nobody is usually there....but when my family comes to stay for a while, the whole dynamic changes and it is something I just have to get used to.

It is well known that being near one's family opens up old, unhealed wounds and unresolved painful feelings come up once more to be faced and hopefully released yet very few folks know how to do that so much of that old pain never goes away - even after the Offenders are dead and gone!

I spoke to my counselor about the above and I was pretty much admonished, making me feel worse than I already did

I often heard stories of "admonishing counselors" and even met a few of them so I am very happy that I did most of my "grief work" WITHOUT a counselor or Sponsor to make me feel worse. When you have emotional pain, the Offenders and Abusers come at you like heat-seeking missiles! There is something ever so tempting about a sad or injured person that both attracts and REPELS many so-called "healthy" others so that also contributes to one's healing as we need to figure out what is bothering us PLUS what is bothering those how want to admonish us for the way we feel. I finally figure out that some counselors (and most "normal" folks) are BOTHERED by abuse Victims who speak out because the Victim triggers unresolved pain inside of the Counselor and others, which they refuse to acknowledge or deal with and then they attack the Victim for "hurting" their FEELINGS! I've has a lot of folks get angry and abusive with me because I dared to show my inner pains and anger with my parents. They act like I've attacked their parents and get angry and sometimes abusive with me! It's called DENIAL and a lot of "counselors" unwittingly carry it along with their own unresolved pain and anger.

"tell your father to BYO food if he doesn't like the way you prepare it, or just say 'sorry, I am making this for myself, what are you going to eat?" and "tell your mother BEFORE you have a shower that this is what you are going to do and would appreciate it if she waited until you finished to make a cup of coffee...the same as when you wash up...just say get lost"...etc etc.

I agree with all of that "assertiveness" but it can come off as rude & AGGRESSIVE when a Survivor has not found a balance point between Passive & Aggressive reactions and defenses. Healthy assertiveness also includes: kindness, politeness, respect, love, acceptance and HUMOR but a Survivor, in pain, may not be able to offer those positive characteristics UNTIL they are somewhat healed and free of the pain and fear that causes Passive/Aggressive reactions.
I won't say how to speak to and with your family but I know that being TOO Assertive (Aggressive) won't work very well.
Just my 2 cents worth and experience with family dynamics.
Good luck

[Shivani Devi]

Thank you Jimrich! Very wise and helpful suggestions.

I'm also very happy that a person who comes from the same generation as my parents has posted on this.

In fact, both my parents were born in 1939, so it makes you a year older than them.

This is way cool.

[Shivani Devi]

Well, I have finally discovered the whole reason why I am like I am.

I just had both my parents staying at my house for the weekend duration of 2 days.

My father was working in my back yard, taking over from me pulling my weeds up because I wasn't 'doing it right'...I mean, I cannot even defecate correctly without him needing to hold my hand.

Anyway, he kept on leaving the back door WIDE open without the fly screen closed, because he MUST have unfettered access to the house whenever he needs to come indoors to do something, or take something outside, because if a closed (not locked) door stops him and he needs to turn the handle to open it, he completely loses the plot and starts screaming...he has a phobia of closed doors...it's a wonder he can drive a car...

Every time he left the back door open, I went and closed it and he started abusing the living hell out of me, until I said "you know how you feel about having a door closed before you? well, I feel exactly the same way as that when I see a fly inside my house and you leaving the door open, will make flies come inside my house" to which he said;

"there are no flies around this time of year"....in February? in Australia? yeah riiight!!

So, after half an hour of him leaving the back door wide open, I saw 4 flies in my kitchen and I pointed them out to him...going "what are those? sultanas with wings?"

He goes "they must have come in your house some other way because they could not have come in through the open back door" to which I said;

"but dad, there is nothing else OPEN and the doors all have weather shields on the bottom" then he said;

"well, they must have been inside your house BEFORE the back door was opened, because there is no way they could have flown in through the open back door"

I was like "okay, why is there no way in hell a fly could fly in through the open back door, please enlighten me" and he said;

"because I said so"...yup, all the flies listen to him because he is their god and do his bidding..."because I said so"...you have got to be effing kidding me.

I mean, it wouldn't be so bad if he didn't truly and honesty believe the bee ess he tells himself and expects everybody else to believe it!

I mean, he was 'sposed to arrive at my place between noon and 1pm on Friday...he didn't show up until 7pm because he honestly believes he is SO important that other people have got nothing better to do than to wait for him.

He's never had a job in his life because he's totally mentally unable to keep an appointment for the interview...he's unable to do it...it is impossible! he rocks up hours later and wonders why they give the job to somebody else with a 'they don't know what's good for them! their loss'. He honestly believes he is the 'chosen one' and the whole world must stop and bow down before him.

He goes shopping and always...ALWAYS leaves his wallet on the kitchen table so other people have to pay for whatever he wants...he's like "oh, I forgot my wallet...can you get this for me please and I WILL pay you back...I WILL" and he never does...NEVER! I mean it's as much my fault as it is his for not reminding him to take his wallet with him every time we go out, but why should I HAVE to? It is HIS responsibility! but oh wait, I know why I have to...so he doesn't keep on hitting me up for cash every single...damn...time!

So, this time I was on to it with a 'that's a shame you forgot your wallet, dad...I know, let's jump in the car and I'll drive you back home and you can get it, and THEN continue shopping, how's that?"

Yeah, so he goes "it's too far out of your way and I only want a few things...you'll just be wasting both our times here...why not just get it now and save coming back"

I was like "no, I am not wasting MY time...in fact, I absolutely INSIST and any refusal will be totally insulting to me".

So, we go home and grab his wallet...we go back to where we were, which was a fruit and veg shop and instead of getting about $20 worth of produce that somebody ELSE (me) had to pay for, he sees some expensive mushrooms at about $20 a kilo, whines about how expensive they are...whines incessantly, then buys 2 small mushrooms worth $1-80 and looks in his wallet and goes "oh, I seem to have no change...can you be a dear and buy these two mushrooms for me please?" to which I just flat out said "nope, sorry but I have no change either" to which he says "you NEVER have any money do you?" and I turned around and said "hello pot, meet the kettle....I had an EXCELLENT teacher"...so, what does he do? goes and puts $1-80 worth of mushrooms...all 2 of them on his Master Card, then grabs a handful of French Beans and walks out of the green grocery shop eating them.

Then, he goes into Woolworths/Coles and buys all of their out of date and rotten meat and fruit (he will not spend more than $2 on any single item), but after he spends $50 buying a trolley full of inedible stuff he expects me to eat, he'll stand in the doorway of the shop for 10-15 minutes studying the receipt and going through the trolley just to make sure the person at the checkout did not make a mistake...and he stays there and stops people coming in/out of the shop while he checks the receipt for any errors in his purchase of rubbish because he is SO important, more important than anybody else and he always says "they can wait" and "I have the right".

It's a wonder why somebody hasn't topped him YEARS ago! He asks for it EVERYWHERE he goes! He goes out looking for fights and picks them, just so he can get to whine and complain to authorities and get some compensation for it.

So, after the fruit shop, we go into a charity op-shop and he spends an hour going through the women's shoes...eventually, he finds what he is looking for, a pair of shoes with a broken strap...so he takes it to the counter of the store just so he can have a whine to the poor guy behind the desk. He does this because he truly believes he deserves a medal for being alive because he is SO important and he is waiting for the shopkeeper to say "thank you so much, Sir...here, have a $10 gift voucher on us for your vigilance"...he complains to get free handouts and this is his 'job' and has been his 'job' for the past 50 years...complaining about poor service and even suing people for 'inconveniencing him'...anyway, when the shop keeper said "if you are not going to buy that Sir, would you kindly put it back?" and my father became livid "how can you sell broken things to unsuspecting people"? the shopkeeper goes "it's none of your business, nor is it any of mine. If they really want those shoes, they'll fix it, so please put it back" and then my father chucked a huge tantrum in the middle of the charity shop basically going "the reason why you are such a rude a-hole to your customers is because you have WHISKERS! Men with facial hair are the spawn of Satan and you are all alike..."

Why somebody hasn't called the nice men in their white coats before now, I will never know!...he should have been committed into an insane asylum to spend the rest of his life there ages ago!

However, he believes that people with mental problems have a weakness of character, they are of lowest intelligence, bordering on stupidity and therefore, HE has no mental illness, but in fact, everybody ELSE is crazy...everybody except for him because HE knows what he is talking about because every word that his lips utter is 100% true...

So we come home after that and he wants to go out fishing and wants me to go with him and I'm like "dad, it's pouring rain outside and I'm not going to stand there in the rain and get wet going fishing" and you know what he said? "It's NOT raining!" and I am like "what's that wet stuff falling from the sky then, god's urine?" and he goes "what rain?" he was standing there, getting wet and in total denial of the fact it was raining due to the sole fact that he said it wasn't and honestly believed it wasn't!

Now, I don't mind people living in total delusion of the real nature of events, as long as they don't try and convince other people that their delusions are true/real...the problem is, they don't know any different or any better so other people ARE crazy/stupid because they cannot see the same 'reality' that they see in their delusion.

So, I suddenly develop a 'migraine headache' and say that I can't go fishing because I have come down with a sudden illness t6o which my father replies..."you are ALWAYS sick...what the hell is wrong with you? you should go and see a doctor about that". So I said "yeah, I will...I need some Valium when you come to visit and I need to see him about that".

So, we stay home and then he's like "next time I visit, remind me to bring down a tin of white paint to paint all of your windows white so your neighbours and other people can't look in and see what you are doing" and I'm like "I have blinds and curtains and I shall close them if you like, if your paranoid delusions are getting the better of you" and he goes "blinds and curtains are NOT enough! they can still look inside and see what you are doing!" and I go "what if I like looking OUT of my windows? what of that?" and he goes "a small price to pay for total privacy and peace of mind...if you want to look outside, then GO outside".

So I said "yeah okay, do whatever" (I'll just buy a tin of thinners and wait until he goes away"...so he went outside and put a tarpaulin over my clothesline so I can dry clothes when it rains and tied it to the clothesline pole" and came back in with a 'look at what I did! how do you like that? now you can dry clothes at any time"....so, over night it rained and the rain pooled on top of the tarpaulin and dragged the tarp down between the lines on the clothesline, snapping the lines off due to the weight of the water..

Yeah, so I was like "well, that was a bad idea that obviously didn't work and now I have nowhere to hang my clothes"

To which he said "that simply should not have happened".

Then, I was like "I am confused...how can something that 'simply should not have happened' obviously, effing happen?"

He was like "because I said so".

Then I was like "well, obviously your 'say so' didn't work then, did it?"

After that he blamed me! "It's all your fault" and "what did you do?" and "you must have caused that to happen" and "In my whole 80 years of life, this has never happened to ME, so it's obviously something YOU have done to make it happen".

So, I said "are you telling me that I am responsible for the weather now? cool! I could hire myself out to those drought stricken outback farmers."

Then he's like "don't get smart with me...you're stupid and hopeless...you're an idiot, an imbecile...I thought I raised you better than that..."

Yeah, so that was the weekend with my father.

I mentioned the whole episode to my brother later and he was like "the old guy is looney tunes I'm amazed you still humour him, I can't anymore because I want to murder him after a few hours and he wonders why I won't have anything to do with him...it's because I don't want to spend the rest of my life in jail.

So, welcome to my family.