Awakening is leaving me feeling lost and scared

[catrin27]

Hi everyone. I'm not sure where to begin with this but I will give it my best shot. You might be able to tell I'm new to this! It might be quite long but I'm hoping someone might have the patience to read and offer advice!

I am now without doubt that I am experiencing a massive awakening of sorts. I find it difficult to use the word 'spiritual' because I don't know if it is or not. But something major is happening to me.

I have always had extremely intense vivid dreams which have often been prophetic in their nature. Since I was a small child. I have also always felt ever so slightly out of place but not really figuring out why.

About 3 years ago I started seeing 1111 all the time. This started shortly after a particularly intense post-apocalyptic dream which really shook me up. At first I paid no attention to 1111 as I just thought it was a coincidence but it got to the point where I couldn't ignore it anymore. It happened in bursts of 4 or 5 days at a time and I would see it 3 or 4 times a day. It was always accompanied by a feeling which I can't really explain. I started noticing other synchronicities along with it. For example one day I saw the 'Lilies of the field' quote from the bible referenced in 3 completely different places. Also at the time this all started I was going through a severe period of anxiety and panic attacks which left me unable to leave the house at times.

This has continued for the past few years. I got over the panic attacks (still never fully clear of anxiety but its manageable). But I've had 1111 ever since and occasionally other numbers too - either 2222 or I go through waves of waking up at exactly 4444 for a few nights in a row. I've never been able to feel part of the 'real' world, in the sense that I don't believe the news, can't engage with media, always searching for the truth behind things we are led to believe etc but all of that has got much stronger in the past few years too. It would be too long to describe all the changes that I have felt but there have just been major shifts in me and my view on things since this started happening.

When all of this started I had recently started seeing someone who I had liked for a while. We met at uni and were still in the early stages of our relationship when all of this really started. I had been planning to go backpacking around Scotland for a few months to get my head sorted and think about what I wanted to do next in life after finishing uni etc. So I went off and did that on my own and was really trying to figure out a plan of action for my life. My boyfriend came and joined me after a few months and we spent some time travelling together. After a few weeks I found out I was pregnant which came as a huge shock but we both decided we were going to go for it despite having been together less than a year. It just felt totally right.

My son came along and as soon as I saw him I recognised him. His face was so familiar to me. He was tiny when he was born as he was premature but he was so recognisable to me, it was weird. I knew that he had always been there and that everything that was happening had been intended for me, if that makes sense.

My partner is absolutely NOT a spiritual person. He is very 'rational', scientific and does not believe in God or anything like that. However my awakening has been getting so much stronger, especially in the last few months and it is making me feel like there is a huge divide between us. I sort of tried explaining it to him once but he thought it was all just down to coincidence and that I was basically talking rubbish. This is making me feel so lost and alone. I have been really questioning our relationship and whether we can really last forever if I'm going down one path and he is not budging. I feel like we have no connection anymore. We can't talk about much because we both want to talk about things that the other is completely uninterested in. I feel like I am pretending and living a lie. On the surface I am the same person but I know in my head I am waking up, changing, growing. I really am so lost. I love him and it would break my heart to have to break our little family up, and I don't know how I would explain it to him or anyone else, but equally I can't see happiness in a future with someone who will never understand this stuff or even be open to it. I can't be with someone who I have to be fake around. Has anyone ever experienced this? What should I do?

A major synchronicity happened to me recently which has led me to this point. I made friends with a girl at the beginning of all this stuff a few years ago. We worked together for a few months in a call centre and instantly became friends. It was like we had always known each other. Funnily enough one of the first things I said to her was "I really recognise you, I think we've met before." Anyway we spent a summer doing everything together, it was great. But our friendship naturally dwindled away when I moved home again and we didn't see much of each other. But I had a dream about her a couple of weeks ago and then the next day was walking through a local cemetery and every time I looked at a grave the name on it was her middle name. She has a very unusual middle name so that's why it stuck in my head. This happened 3 times. It nudged me to get in touch with her so I sent her a message on facebook and told her what had happened and asked how she was doing. She replied to say its funny I got in touch because she had been thinking about me recently. She went on to say she had been having a lot of changes in her life recently, including seeing repeated numbers! I was shocked, she started describing all the exact same things that were happening to me. Anyway we chatted for ages and it was like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders, I suddenly felt so warm and comforted by this. It was amazing.

Since then I have been feeling a lot more intense changes. It has been an insane few weeks. I have got to the point where I can almost predict things that are about to happen. I am seeing several number patterns ALL THE TIME, especially combinations of 1s and 2s. To the point where another old friend who i had lost contact with sent me an email out of the blue at 22.11 a couple of nights ago. Turns out, funnily enough, she is experiencing similar things too I found out after chatting for a while. I am getting blown away by all these things happening on a daily basis.

BUT the big clinch is that although it is exciting and I really feel like I'm on an amazing journey, I hate how detached it is making me feel from my partner. Our relationship is really suffering. We have not had sex for ages because I can't bear it. I feel frustrated whenever he talks about the news or football etc. I am scared because breaking up with him would be the hardest thing ever and I feel like I would regret it. I am trying to ask my guides to help me in knowing what to do but I am still feeling lost and confused.

I guess what I want is some words of wisdom, guidance, help from anyone who has had a similar experience of trying to balance an intense awakening and carrying on with day-to-day life. Is it possible? I'm so unbelievably lost.

[Mystique Enigma]

Reminds me of a story of what Enlightenment is like ...

“What is enlightenment like? What is awakening like?” It’s like the tramp in London who was settling in for the night. He’d hardly been able to get a crust of bread to eat. Then he reaches this embankment on the river Thames. There was a slight drizzle, so he huddled in his old tattered cloak. He was about to go to sleep when suddenly a chauffeur-driven Rolls-Royce pulls up. Out of the car steps a beautiful young lady who says to him, “My poor man, are you planning on spending the night here on this embankment?” And the tramp says, “Yes.” She says, “I won’t have it. You’re coming to my house and you’re going to spend a comfortable night and you’re going to get a good dinner.” She insists on his getting into the car. Well, they ride out of London and get to a place where she has a sprawling mansion with large grounds. They are ushered in by the butler, to whom she says, “James, please make sure he’s put in the servants’ quarters and treated well.” Which is what James does. The young lady had undressed and was about to go to bed when she suddenly remembers her guest for the night. So she slips something on and pads along the corridor to the servants’ quarters. She sees a little chink of light from the room where the tramp was put up. She taps lightly at the door, opens it, and finds the man awake. She says, “What’s the trouble, my good man, didn’t you get a good meal?” He said, “Never had a better meal in my life, lady.” “Are you warm enough?” He says, “Yes, lovely warm bed.” Then she says, “Maybe you need a little company. Why don’t you move over a, bit.” And she comes closer to him and he moves over and falls right into the Thames.

:)
Bows

[firstandlast]

I don't want to be one to say break it off; but unless he wakes up in the same way.. this isn't really going to get better-- Not only that, but while you care so much about him, you should really weigh in the fact that he as a person doesn't interest you anymore as company you enjoy; this is probably the same for him-- Better to resolve these issues head on, communication; however, I wouldn't expect him to understand your side of it at all.. this isn't an issue of being closed minded or a bad listener; but a matter of being unable to see.. And it is important to keep in mind the experiences you had to have, how they occurred, in order for there to be a crack in your world-- And then keep in mind that none of your words will provide that experience (though, that is not to say that the words cannot be a part of such an experience, but this isn't really your choice)--

Talk about the distance, focus on the relationship between you two and not on your own experiences/beliefs, What those experiences and beliefs have caused between you two and not the validity of either ones point of view (because that will get you nowhere if you even want the possibility of resolving issues)-- And though, I do not think such a thing has a great chance of working out well, if you are still in a place of wanting to maintain what you have (not to mention maintaining a good environment for the child) than this is the best you can do to bring about action that will bring about better circumstances--

[wolfgaze]

Hello Catrin, welcome to the forum....

First let me say that when commenting on other individuals' relationships, I do not feel that it is my place to ever offer advice that would encourage the individual to end (breakup) their relationship (exception being if the relationship was abusive / dangerous). I operate this way because I don't actually know the other people involved in these relationships and therefore I would never feel comfortable influencing their partners to make a decision that will have a very real & serious affect on their lives. These circumstances are even more complex/complicated when their are children involved (as is the case in your context)..

Now on to the heart of the matter. I am familiar with the internal changes and the types of experiences you are reporting because I went through this process myself several years ago. I do understand that there is a lot going on and unfolding within you and that there are and will be periods of confusion, disorientation, instability, and uncertainty. Times where you feel the need to withdraw from 'worldly' matters/influences and create some distance from individuals & environments that do not promote/support/affirm your advancing internal state. That being said, your state of being and how you feel at this very moment is not indicative of how you will find yourself feeling and what your state of being will be like as you continue to progress down this path and when this internal process (awakening) runs its course. I can tell you from my personal experience that when the internal changes culminated within me - I had finally discovered the true nature of my 'being' and this imparted within me a pervading and unchanging state of awareness where I now directly sensed, perceived, and experienced my connectedness, relatedness, unity, 'oneness' with everyone and everything (all that is). This is on a much deeper level than anything I had ever experienced prior to these changes unfolding - it's rooted in the awareness that all of existence is comprised of the same energy (source), and therefore one unified whole. This extends well beyond and therefore transcends any former sense of connection or relatedness to others on the level of sharing he same beliefs/ideology, sharing the same interests, physical attraction, or any of the more 'surface level' similarities that are largely rooted in the physical aspect of this Earthly experience. What I'm getting at here is that it's okay that you are feeling disconnected from your partner right now - but consider that your present state of being is not an accurate reflection of how you may find yourself being & feeling a little later on down the road as additional internal developments/changes unfold. It's not a matter of you restoring any former type of connection that you had been familiar with and accustomed to - but potentially finding yourself feeling connected to him (and others) on a whole new level that you had never experienced before.

Try to perceive what you are feeling, experiencing, and going through at this moment as a necessary 'phase' of a larger transition and transformational process. It's important not to become too attached to your present condition because things are fluid and in motion (continuing to develop & change). I do understand the importance of finding ways to support and affirm your changing inward state. You do not have to obtain this support/affirmation from your partner. I think it's awesome that those synchronicities led you to reestablish contact with your friend and then you discovered the purpose behind your being led to do that. I think you should continue to interact & communicate with her regarding these changes that both of you are enduring through. It would also be beneficial for you to expose yourself to books and online content which speak about this subject matter (spiritual awakening) and the nature of it. And of course it's always helpful to find an outlet/medium by which you can express to others what you are going through and touch basis with individuals who have gone through or are going through similar experiences/changes - so it's good that you decided to join a forum like this. It helps to 'normalize' what is happening to you, allows you to feel more grounded, and influences you to feel more positive about and accepting of what is transpiring. This is important because it serves to counteract the feelings of uncertainy, anxiousness, fear, worry, concern - which can hold you back and keep you consciously identified with the influence of your physical mind. The calmer and more at peace you feel with what's happening within you, the easier it will be to progress and move forward.

It's absolutely not unusual or uncommon for individuals to find that the people in their everyday lives do not understand or relate to what they are going through when a person is experiencing such internal growth & changes. I can tell you in my situation that there was only one person whom I felt comfortable speaking with about what I was going through - and that was an older sibling that I am close with but could only communicate with over the phone (long distance). I couldn't reach out to any of my friends or my other relatives about this. Heck during 80% of the time over the course of 3 years I wasn't even sure what was happening to me - I knew that something unusual and significant was going on, but I had no prior experience or knowledge of the nature of this and therefore had no framework by which to label it or interpret it. It wasn't until the latter stages that I was finally able to connect the dots and understand the significance & importance of what was happening. Also, all during this time period I was working at some totally unrewarding corporate job that really did not relate to nor care for in the least bit. So you see you necessarily have to almost walk in two worlds at once. You've got your inner-world and all the things that are unfolding there - and then you've got the external-world that you continue to experience and be a part of. Allow yourself to adapt/adjust and to become skilled/adept at operating in both 'worlds' simultaneously. It's okay to take breaks at times from your inner-explorations & spiritual seeking to reconnect with and reimmerse yourself a bit with the more worldly/human affairs and the more mundane aspects of this Earthly life - you know?

Overall I would say it's quite alright and perfectly understandable that your partner is where he is at in his life. Everyone is operating at their own pace in terms of their conscious growth/development/evolution. There is nothing 'wrong' with his current perspective/orientation and things will happen and unfold for individuals in their proper place and time and exactly as they need to (just as they have for you!). Yes I know your mind is probably telling you how great it would be if he exactly where you are right now and totally understanding and accepting of everything you are experiencing. However this (while idealistic) is not a requirement nor a necessity as far as you successfully navigating your way through the internal changes you are enduring through. You can do this with him by your side even if he doesn't understand what's going on and what's happening to you. You can handle this on your own and you can find support/affirmation from others sources & influences.

Right now is it accurate to say that there is a certain degree of stability in your life as far as your external life circumstances are concerned? I say this in regards to your living arrangement/circumstances, and concerning providing/caring for your son's needs. If so, I would offer that this is important for you to maintain at this time in your life right now, because it enables you to commit the required time and conscious energy to tending to and navigating your way through the internal changes that are surfacing and which need to be processed. If you were to (at this time) take actions that add significant stressors to your life or make decisions that disrupt your current degree of stability - this may make it rather challenging to continue to complete the inner-work that's required of you and delay the process you're going through. Something to keep in mind. Perhaps for now you could simply tell yourself that you are going to take a break from worrying about these circumstances and allow yourself to later revisit and reflect upon what would be the best course of action for you and your child - knowing that later on down the road you may very well find yourself perceiving everything (and others) in a different light.

What I've found is that when your intuition is speaking to you and guiding you in your life - there is this inner sense of confidence that is present, a subtle feeling of balance/calmness, and a unique resonating effect within the body. However when our physical mind is influencing us (not our intuition) concerning challenging circumstances, there is likely to be internal tension & resistance present, a substantial sense of doubt, worry, and uncertainty. In my opinion these two influences generate different responses within us and it's important to gain a sense of which influence is likely contributing to your present condition. If, hypothetically, at any point in the future there is a certain course of action that needs to be taken and which serves the higher good for you (and your son), you will experience a 'knowing' as to what needs to be done and why - and you won't feel so conflicted and uncertain when doing so. Be patient with yourself, and when you are able to sufficiently calm your physical mind activity and restore some internal balance - you will find that your perception of these matters will be much clearer...

I hope some of this communication helps you...

Regards,
~WOLF

[Melahin]

You are learning to know yourself on a more intimate level which can be quite uncomfortable, because it makes you question what is... you are simply letting go of the baggage that wear your spirit down. In this it is you that suffer the uncertainty of where you are going, so it is your relationship with yourself that suffer not your relationship with others. Simply tell your partner you are going through some changes and you need space to sort it out. As soon as everyrhing falls into place you will see things with a greater sense of clarity... so be patient and kind to yourself in this. Love yourself always!

[catrin27]

Thank you so much for your replies, especially yours Wolfgaze. I can't tell you how much it has helped me even just to hear from people who understand. Your advice really resonated with me and thinks are starting to look a lot clearer.

I asked my guides for help as I was falling asleep last night and then I had an extremely telling dream in which the message was not to rush anything right now and that my focus should be positivity. So that is what I will do!

[wolfgaze]

Originally Posted by catrin27

Thank you so much for your replies, especially yours Wolfgaze. I can't tell you how much it has helped me even just to hear from people who understand. Your advice really resonated with me and things are starting to look a lot clearer.

I asked my guides for help as I was falling asleep last night and then I had an extremely telling dream in which the message was not to rush anything right now and that my focus should be positivity. So that is what I will do!

You're welcome Catrin... I'm really glad to hear that you are feeling better...

Oh and your gameplan sounds like a wise one!

[Golden Eagle]

Your current partnership is being outgrown. There is no easy way to explain this, simply .....partnerships are for growth and when one chooses NOT to grow .... the other OUTGROWS the partnership ~

[Otherworld]

People that have spiritual doors open receive both positive and negative influences, depending on the state of their conscious energy therefore we cannot just live by what we feel. That is a big mistake. Even if your spirituality is ascending beyond the physical plane, you must not leave your partner hanging in the wind to deal with Lucifer and temptation to cheat due to neglect. Keep the mind and intellect in control of the feelings so that life remains positive for both you and your partner. True love is eternal. If your partner loves you and you want to spend eternity together, don't let it die. If that's not the case, it's time for a serious talk.