Euthanasia and a stalker

[TMeganV]

I had two dreams last night.

In the first one, I had cancer and was about to be euthanized at 9am. My mom and grandmother were there to support me in my last moments, mom gave me a €2 coin which I told her I was going to keep with me forever. When the moment was there, I started getting doubts. I didn't want to die, I felt fine and ultimately decided to postpone my euthanasia until I felt there was no other option. It was 9pm at that time. I posted on facebook: "Sat there from 9am til 9pm, but I'm still alive!"

This isn't the first time I've dreamt about euthanasia. Sometimes I died, sometimes I decided I wanted to live.

In the second dream, I was cycling across the highway, completely by myself. There weren't any people or cars or animals. Suddenly a guy showed up and tried to hurt me. I kept telling him to go away but he kept following me and hurting me. Eventually I ran into a building, crying. I saw him giving me the finger and slowly driving away in a car. As I looked around me I saw I was in a centre where people pass their car theory exams. A girl asked me if I passed and I told her I was just hiding from my stalker. As I peeked through the door, I saw he had returned and came running at me, extremely fast and extremely terrifying. Everyone ran away and I tried to as well, but he grabbed me and started physically abusing me. Then all of a sudden I punched him in the face and completely beat him up. Then I called the police but just as they came, he escaped on a bicycle and they weren't able to find him.

I was so confused when I woke up... does anyone know what these dreams mean?

[Thunder Bow]

You are still alive is what this dream means. You defeated being self disstructive behaviour by facing up to it. You could also be facing up to memories of past abuse. The memories are gone now from being important. Examination inside yourself is how you healed.

[Michelle11]

I would agree with the previous poster. In the first dream there is an aspect of yourself that you need to kill off. This is always very difficult to do as it feels like we should never do it even if that part of us is no good for us. It is hard to change how we behave so you tend to get determined to overcome your issues and then fall back into old habits. The habit of beating yourself up. You are the one who is too hard on you likely having a habit of self blame and possibly as Thunder suggested self destructive thoughts or even behavior. Pay attention to how you speak to yourself. Who we are, our sense of self, is formed when we are a child and we filter our world based on that sense of self. If you were abused or even just raised by someone who had an over concern for your well being like a perfectionist or someone who criticized your every move then you very well could have a lot of fear about yourself and negative self talk about your worth. My father was like that, he was critical of everything I did, even my wins were met with some issue where I could have gotten hurt or something so it is no wonder I don't feel very capable in this life and kind of afraid to make a move even. This kind of influence early on pervades everything we do in life so even if you succeed at something you may discount it based on your sense of self that may see yourself as a failure.

This is where the internal work needs to come into play. These habits become subconscious and second nature to us we sometimes don't realize what we are doing and we for sure don't do it on purpose. To find out what misguided concepts you adopted as a child and turn them around when something happens in your life, any event really, pay attention to how you respond, what are your thoughts saying and how do those thoughts make you feel. If they are at all defeatist you likely have been taught a lot of untruths (intentional or not intentional as is the case a lot of times) as a child about your abilities and worth and it is important to learn to stop those thoughts in their tracks and replace them with more kind nurturing thoughts. You stood up to your self destructive thoughts at one point. This is a good step but to truly be free of the behavior for good it takes a lot of mindfulness about our self talk and concerted effort to turn defeating talk and habits around. Definitely use your dreams to help you with this and if you at all feel suicidal please do not hesitate to seek out the help of a therapist. You are also welcome to pm me as I have been doing a lot of this cognitive work myself lately trying to overcome my own self destructive tendencies. If you need someone to talk to I am a good listener. Take care and stay strong.

[TMeganV]

Thank you both so much!

I actually had my last psychologist appointment yesterday.. I started when I was severely depressed and suicidal around March.

My father's girlfriend abused me when I was 13. She was very jealous and wanted him to herself, when bullying didn't work she jumped me and started beating my face, screaming "I'm going to kill you!" over and over. My dad pulled her off of me and kicked her out of the house, but took her back within a week. She kept emailing me til I was 16 with things like "You're a rat" and "Just leave our family alone". They're still together and have a 2,5 y/o son.

Since then I've always had my periods of depression, even automutilation when I was younger. I would get help, feel better for a few months and then it'd start all over again. It's bizarre how my dreams show all this... Thanks for clearing it up!

[Michelle11]

Oh dear, I am so sorry to hear that you went through that. It must be very hard to see your parent pick a stranger over their own daughter. I suspect he doesn't realize or refuses to believe the extent of the abuse but your father's actions very well hurt more than the girlfriend's. In light of that the second dream could also point to the fact that you were jumped by someone you should be able to trust but the dream shows you are now strong enough to stand up for yourself. A sign of good progress in you taking care of you. It sounds like the hurt of this caused you to turn on yourself a bit. It can take time to turn that around, just remember no matter what either of them did it is NOT a reflection of who you are and your love-ability. Their issues and how they treat you are totally on them and they will have to face it all one day. Turning our wounded self image around takes time. I have to pay attention to my reactions to life, even simple things like not doing something fast enough can make me feel bad about myself. It is a matter of noticing when I start to have low feelings and then refuse to give into them. I'm working to flip the script so to speak but it takes time to break a long standing habit so just do your best to do the same when you start to feel blue. You really are loved and adored by spirit regardless of how any human treats you. Try to always remember that. Stay strong.