Hi Sweetie!

[FallingLeaves]

well some idle words
i guess
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i have enough
stuff
to have a comfy retirement
sorta along the lines
of what I've been living
when I retire
in a few years

sorta safe
I guess...

would be a downgrade
if I decided to support someone else
though...

nowadays
it just seems easier
to think about
being alone
------------------------------------------------------------------
when i was young
and wanting an out
to some 'better place'
than the awfulness I felt

i would try to read
about the paths
others had taken

but i couldn't really

looking back
it might as well have been
me
reading horror stories,

stories about
how you lay down your life
pack up your bags
and follow someone else
at great cost to yourself

and after all that
you feel
just as alone
as you ever did.

i couldn't read them
very well
given that all i saw
was the horror that was waiting within

so I'm not very learned
in terms
of what others
have said or done

and don't have the understanding
to share in the insights that come from it.
--------------------------------------------------------
which is kind of
both
a blessing
and a curse

the blessing comes
because
without buying into the beliefs
and choosing
one of
the many ways of life
others
are endlessly touting
i don't have to be
so encumbered
by the blinders
society asks us to wear
that I can't see beauty
for what it really is.

the curse comes because
if I don't buy into
what others are buying into
I don't have anything in common with the others
and thus no real basis for sharing...

i guess it is kinda like
one way mirrors...

when one has learned to look
beyond oneself
to see others,
one eventually catches on
that others can't really see
anything
beyond their own wants and desires

and if they don't want me???

Well they never do.
-----------------------------------------------------------
i suppose i could now lay down my own life
to expound
on the beauty I see
and get others to follow along

but honestly, I didn't see any merit in doing that
as a follower,
and I don't see any merit in doing that
as a leader

in both cases
it is just the blind
leading the blind

nothing good ever comes of it.

So i don't want to lead
any more than I want to follow...
--------------------------------------------------------------
if i could have a friend
that would be nice
but,
like i say
noone wants to swim upstream
to see anything close
to what I'm actually all about
and any more
i don't feel like
following the river
downstream
yet another time
into another's world
so...

guess I can't even have that.
-----------------------------------------------------
but I'm not unhappy either...
sometimes
i just gotta accept
life is what it is
even when that isn't what I would rather have...

sometimes it is more painful
to be fighting
to remove all the pain
than it is
just to accept the original pain
in the first place...

one of the things
god
steadfastly
held out in front of me
until I finally understood...

lol..