Spiritual Forums - It is over. This hurts soooo bad...

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- - It is over. This hurts soooo bad... (https://www.spiritualforums.com/vb/showthread.php?t=118441)

Quote:

Originally Posted by FairyCrystal

I have learnt a lot from it all, also to not ignore my own needs anymore. For instance, one of the main points on my list of what I need, is that a man is able and willing to commit and over his past relationship(s).
He checked ALL other boxes on my list of what I need in a relationship/partner in order to be happy. But I do think I'm going to revise that a bit, haha. I will add some stuff to it. Based on what I've learnt with him.
For instance, I have learnt that I need to be and feel cherished. I'm Venus ruled so I need that more than average. Not because I'm needy, it's just how I'm wired. I tend to lose interest when I don't feel cherished.
I did feel cherished a lot, esp until the summer. But he did fall short a bit on certain aspects of how I need to feel cherished.
And, no that is not being demanding, it's knowing what makes me happy and what doesn't.
Because he didn't take that one last step in really committing, which would be to make clear I'm his girl, his partner in crime etc., I missed out on a bit of feeling cherished, and exactly that bit is imperative to me. I wouldn't have known if it wasn't for this relationship. Sure I must've known subconsciously, now I know consciously.
He was awful with planning, vague with when he was going to arrive and leave. I need to know that sort of thing. 2nd time we spend the night together he wanted to leaved right after breakfast because he'd made plans with a mate. That was the first time I totally got triggered. I had figured he'd wanted to stay with me at least for the day, just to enjoy each other's company.
Now I know that that sort of thing doesn't work for me. I was too blinded by my own fears and triggers and working on them to see that pattern. Now I do see it. And I realise I don't like that tendency in a partner. It's too vague for me to be comfortable with.
The other learning point in that is that even though you get triggered to bits, you still have to pay attention to the reasons for it. Even though you're chit scared and focusing on working through your fears, you still have to make sure you notice patterns in the other that you may not like, or that makes the other incompatible with you.
I'd never read about that. I was just focusing on my fears so I wouldn't get triggered so much anymore, totally forgetting to also look at the patterns that triggered me. Reacting too much from the belief that "I am the one who gets triggered so there's something about me that I need to get sorted." and not enough attention to the bit "maybe I have GOOD reason to get triggered!!"

Doesn't change the fact that it is painful and that we really had a very good thing and very deep connection between us.
I do remember everything was totally great until approx Nov/Dec 2016. He even told me he didn't doubt one bit, he was totally certain. Yet in December something had changed. I wanted to spend Christmas together and New Years Eve, only to find he was distant then.
Oh well, right now focus on digesting it all, healing my heart and make sure I don't slip into low self-esteem and blaming myself. I'm REAL good at that, convincing myself it happened because there's something wrong with me, or that I shouldn't have done this that or the other.
In that sense even this breakup is an enormous lesson to learn to not do that to myself anymore. So I do see the beautiful gifts this relationship brought me, even this lesson now, learning to deal with a breakup in a different way from what I've ever done before. And lo' and behold: I actually AM!! I had never expected that. I truly have grown a lot, and yes, all this horrible triggering for 16 months is exactly what brought me that growth.
I had hoped we could grow together though, me coping with my fears and self-esteem, him with his fear of abandonment. I guess it wasn't meant to be that way...
Odd thing is that the first 3 people I told about this told me that he'd be back.
Even more odd that earlier this year I've had vision where we'd broken up, me standing outdoors with another partner and him driving up the street, getting out the car, me spotting him and running to him, hugging and kissing, home again.
This happened some 3 times way way way way before we broke up. But I'm not going to cling to hope. I'm 51, lol, I don't do teenage fantasies anymore. Would be a nice distraction, but I don't need fantasies. I want the real deal.

In any case, been on the phone with him for almost 2 hours just now. Really good to have that conversation. We spoken about a great many things we never spoke about before, not this openly. That was possible now for me, because I have nothing to lose anymore. So there is no fear.
We talked about this commitment fear as well.
And hearing that he still cares for me deeply, loves me still, and also feels this deep bond we have, does me a lot of good.
I'm not going to live in hope, I do intent to heal and move on. But still wouldn't surprise me if this gets another ending at some point in time. I still believe we are TFs but I'm not going to latch onto the concept and/or us coming back together.
For now I'm really happy we had a wonderful conversation. Somehow it feels like this was long overdue. I know it was, someone on this forum told me in August/ September to talk openly together, that it was imperative. Yet, I didn't know how to, too scared I guess. Afraid to stir things up when it already felt things were going haywire.

dont worry darling.spirit is looking after you.you are BECOMING.and realising that you dont NEED anyone.BOTH of you are going through this process RIGHT NOW.chances are he will probably come back.but you wont NEED him next time.and that will make things much much better.....happily and UNCONDITIONALLY set him FREE.easier said than done i know.and know that by doing so you are also setting yourself free....

Quote:

Originally Posted by unicorn68

Thank you, Unicorn. Really sweet and wonderful message!
:hug3:

Gosh... Overall I'm doing really great. It's difficult at times, but I'm coping okayish. Continuing with things in life, my goals, doing some FB challenges. All in all I feel I'm going through a major transformation.
I can be happy, I laugh, I can enjoy myself.
But deep down I'm still in pain. And today, and especially tonight, it is hitting me really bad. I'm in so much pain, bawling my eyes out.
I so don't want this chit, and I don't want this breakup. I love him so much, and it hurts.
I know I gotta trust, surrender and bladiblab. I know either someone else will come along and it will be great, or me and him will get back together and it will be great. And that's great. But right now it doesn't really help me.
I just feel like a child who wants to kick and scream, because it just isn't fair. And I know that is childish, but knowing all that, doesn't ease the pain.
And I'm angry at him at times too now. I thought I was skipping that phase, I guess not.
I just cannot understand it, and I guess I never will. Totally beyond me how someone can be totally happy and in love, have this intense love for me showing from his every pore, yet then meet someone else and develop feelings for her? I do not get it. And that's the bit that hurts the most.
I'm just going to cry and feel sorry for myself for a bit. And be PO as well, lol.

So wonderful to know that there will be a higher reason for this, that my HS or Spirit or whomever is in control up there arranged for this to happen. Then why doesn't any of them tell ME what that reason is, so maybe I can be at peace with it a bit more.
And why don't I get a say in it? Cos I do not agree.
More tears, great. I'm going to look so sexy tomorrow, puffy-eyed and all.
I'm too old for this broken heart cr@p.

Oh my dear Fairy, I feel for you so much :icon_frown: I know of the conflicted emotions, the hurt, despair, anger, the trying to make sense of it all, the trying to hold it together; I can tell you it'll get better, that this too shall pass, and it probably won't help a jot because right now it feels like forever... but it will, Fairy, I promise - it will :hug2:

I'm so sorry you're going through this ...hugs! But deep down inside you know why, it's time to rise higher. Your TF loves you so much, he's doing his part to help you both go through a deeper transformation. Cry and bawl your eyes out, but you're strong and you will make it through. I can't wait to hear your updates cause it's not over.

Thank you both!
What you mean it's not over?
Stupid thing is I know he is in pain too, I can feel that. Then why is this necessary if we both are suffering because of it?
And I still can't shake this feeling we will get back together, but I don't know if that's just ego or real intuition.

Quote:

Originally Posted by FairyCrystal

Maybe you're just in the old 'TF separation phase,' in which you both have to go your separate ways for a while and work on the issues that were preventing you from being together? It would be nice to think you could through these things together but that doesn't seem to be how it typically works, for whatever reason - the intensity of the connection, maybe, or the sheer weight of the issues.

Of course none is this is going to make it suck any the less, and I do appreciate how difficult/confusing/downright painful it can be, Fairy. Try not to overthink it, but instead stay with the feelings - meditate, journal, talk things through with a friend, do something artistic, listen to music you love, watch a tear-jerker. Whatever feels right for you :hug3:

Thank you HumanBeing. I am doing my best to both move on and to allow the pain to be there so it doesn't surface later on.
Problem with what you're saying... it could indeed very well be that we both need to learn things separately. But if I hang on to that thought, I'm still keeping that door open and not truly moving on. I'm in two minds about that.
Part of me wants to keep that door ajar, because in a way I cannot believe this is it. But is that wise?
Some say I have the answers within, but I haven't a clue. Cannot clearly define between intuition and ego. One says I have to let go because something better is coming, another says he's in a lot of pain, up to the point of doubting/regretting his decision.
I guess I'll have to figure it out myself. And I don't know either, haha.
So I do what I can do, and am focusing on my future, my goals, my well-being, as much as possible. With periods of crying and hurting in between...

It really is quite new to me. I've never broken up with someone with the feeling that it isn't the end. Sure, you never want it to end, because it hurts and you don't want to go through the heartache. But this feels different.

FairyCrystal, even if it's "it," it's only for this lifetime, after all. You will meet again. Somewhere in the ether between dimensions, waiting to reincarnate again for the next karma-clearing lifetime on earth (or elsewhere). I imagine you and your Twin will laugh together about how silly you were in this go-round, all the things you got wrong, but also all the wonderful things you got right. Then you'll resolve to give it another go, getting closer to perfection--and, ultimately, ascension--in the upcoming life.

Quote:

Originally Posted by FairyCrystal

One says I have to let go because something better is coming, another says he's in a lot of pain, up to the point of doubting/regretting his decision.

Both of these voices seem intuitive to me... and both could be right. He may be in pain and he may be regretting his decision (and from some of your previous posts he seemed to have confirmed this to you)... but he did leave you for another relationship so it really is probably a natural response that he would feel this way...confused and in regret and that is something he will have to take responsibility for himself.

And the voice which says something better is coming... may actually be your higher self speaking to you - guiding you.

Also - grieving this loss and feeling the pain of loss is natural and healthy... and so is following that inner drive to peruse your own goals and move into creating the new for yourself... it doesn't have to be one or the other.

You can also love someone without hanging onto them... and you can also love yourself to allow both of you the freedom to do and be what you need to for your own individual journeys... you can leave a door open if you want and also walk your own path with integrity - either the door will close in its own time or your new life will start to expand so much that the door may become a memory...or someone will walk through it... or you will walk back through it...but for now just do you - walk your path and when something changes in the future - you can make new decisions from there...