Do i move on or stay for the children?

[lightworker]

Hi, I haven't posted on here for years, so i'm a little rusty!

My dilemma is : I have known for 13 years that i'm married to a man that is not my soulmate. I do care for him deeply, I want him to be happy, but I don't particularly like the person he has become (quite negative and mean although decent deep down) also I have a deep nagging feeling that i need to move on to fulfill the life I planned before I came back here.

We have struggled to stay together for all these years, we have seperated twice, once for 9 months (7 years ago) and last year for 6 months, but both times we stayed in contact (more out of habit) and ended up getting back together (I did it mainly for the children).

I was so happy when I was single, I loved life again, joy had returned to my life at all the possibilities, I wasn't being told what to do, what to like, where to go etc anymore, but the kids really missed their dad as we moved 5 hours away and he could only see them every few weeks, which was also really sad for him.

In the end, I gave in to his constant pleas to get back together, things would change etc, but now i've been back for a year and i'm back to feeling the same old feelings I had before I left.

I love him and care for him but we want totally different things out of life and the longer we stay together, the more i feel like i'm dying inside,.

But what about the children, do i stay and keep everything stable and familiar for them and feel joyless and nothing inside (apart from the joy and love I feel for my kids) or do i leave and try and work with my husband to make the shift as comfortable as possible for the kids?
I feel so guilty that i may be doing irrepairable damage to my kids and it stops me from making any decisions.
I'd love to hear your thoughts

[CourageousLovingHeart]

Dear Lightworker

You say so much in these few lines:


I was so happy when I was single, I loved life again, joy had returned to my life at all the possibilities, I wasn't being told what to do, what to like, where to go etc anymore, but the kids really missed their dad as we moved 5 hours away and he could only see them every few weeks, which was also really sad for him.


When you love life and feel joy in the mystery of what may lie before you, you are in the best possible space to Really Be with your kids.


In the end, I gave in to his constant pleas to get back together, things would change etc, but now i've been back for a year and i'm back to feeling the same old feelings I had before I left.


Here you speak of only going backwards.

It is hard to see your children and their father going through such pain. Ultimately, trust that doing what is right for you is a choice that will expand you consciously. Trust too that there is more learning for you all as you move forward loving life - rather than slipping back into old scenarios.

The key here is not for you to move away from your current situation into a new one, but that you keep moving towards more joy in your life and heart.

Wishing you much love
Sandy

[truthseeker57]

dear lightworker,

while i raised my daughter as a single parent, i was involved with a man for 10 yrs and lived with him the last 1-1/2 after my 19 yr old moved out. while i did everything to keep the relationship going and initially thought he was my soulmate, Truth is always revealed. the doubt was strong even moving in with him. not listening to my soul, i experienced intense toxic emotional pain. a month ago, he told me to get out. while i was still there looking for an apt, i was hit with the pain of betrayal listening to conversations with his new girlfriend. so now i am out and beginning the my journey of healing and continued spiritual growth.

it sounds like you have heard your own soulful Truth already: "I have known for 13 years that i'm married to a man that is not my soulmate. I do care for him deeply, I want him to be happy, but I don't particularly like the person he has become (quite negative and mean although decent deep down) also I have a deep nagging feeling that i need to move on to fulfill the life I planned before I came back here."

your concern for your children is admirable. but we cannot give to our children that which we do not have ourselves. children deserve to be in homes full of love and joy. keeping them in homes with conflict and tension will confuse them and create an environment of uneasiness and fear at times.

my heartfelt suggestion is to listen and act on what your soul is telling you.
"...back to feeling the same old feelings I had before I left....the longer we stay together, the more i feel like i'm dying inside." you are dying inside. staying will not only be doing irrepairable damage to your children but to you as well.

sending you healing light and blessings,

grateful always,
truthseeker57

:angel11:

[lightworker]

Wow, great advice, thanks Sandy and truthseeker57! You are both right, I need time to figure it all out, i suppose i'm looking for confirmation that i would be doing the right thing by leaving and not being selfish. Guilt is such a rotten emotion isn't it!

[Estrella505]

As a child from such a relationship.... A child would rather be in a happier, though non traditional environment, then an environment dictated by duty and responsibility without love to go with it.

The day my parents seperated and my father never came back was the best day of my life up to that point.

[LadyVirgoxoxo]

dear lightworker,
Welcome back to Spiritual Forums! :hug3:
The best thing to do for you and the family is to get a divorce. You two do not seem happy together. The children will see this and realize that they are living in an unhappy household and this is never good for children to grow up in. Once you get that divorce your children should get to see both their father and their mother equally. Don't move so far away. Divorce is tough for everyone involved but it is better for children to grow up in a happy household with only one parent than an unhappy household with both. On the other hand, relationships are tough work, if you feel that you'd like to work at it get marriage counseling. If you feel that marriage is just not good for the two of you, stay good friends. That will definitely be good for the children.
Love and Blessings,
LadyVirgoxoxo

[Native spirit]

:hug3: Hey Lightworker.


I feel you need time and space between you and your husband to sort things out ,

staying for the sake of the kids is not a good idea, as they will pick up on how you feel

as long as the kids know that you both love them, kids are more resiliant than you think.

as you have left twice i feel there is a feeling of guilt there, thats why you go back.

as long as the kids are in a happy home they will cope.

Namaste

[Perspective]

I feel similarly. There are questions to consider...

My intuition led me to marry my husband. Why does it no longer feel right? Is it me? Is it him? Is it the combo?
Is it the struggles of life - including parenting?

If I left my husband & found a new "soul mate," would I be happier?
If so, for how long? Another 12 years?

What is the eternally best thing to do for all? What would God, or Spiritual guidance advise?

[Jules]

Hi Lightworker, and welcome back to SF :)

My ex hubby and I had been together for 23 yrs. 15 of which were as man and wife. 12 months after we married I knew we weren't right for each but stayed out of loyalty I suppose. I had my daughter 4 yrs into the marriage but when she reached the age of 10 we parted. Even though I loved him - as a sister loves a brother, we no longer had anything in common. He betrayed me on the highest level, telling me a couple of years previously he was in love with my best friend and wanted me to change to be like her. Sorry I'm me and even though I tried to, deep down I was sinking further and further into a depression. My relationship with my daughter also started to suffer because I couldn't give her the full attention she needed at that time. she wasn't stupid though. We'd tried to keep everything from her like you do - not arguing in front of her etc and acted as normally as we could - but to no avail. She knew what was happening all right. Eventually we split 8 yrs ago and he turned into the biggest prat walking. Funny how you THINK you know someone after all those years together, yet you know nothing about them at all - or think you don't. The little voice of reason I pushed away was right all along.

so my advice would be, listen to your gut instinct. It doesn't usually let you down. Kids are resilient and bounce back. It's better to have two happy parents living seperately than being haunted by constant rows and bickering. Children learn by example so think about what you're teaching them if you stay in an unhappy marriage.

I'll thank my ex till my dying day for setting me free. I wouldn't be the person I am today if we'd still be in the destructive relationship.

Love light and laughter.
Jue x

[psychoslice]

A toxic relationship is no good for anyone, you or your children, its best to get out of a relationship where the love has died, my own parents stayed together for us kids but all it did was twist our heads, I grew up fearing that any partner I had was going to leave me, I have also seen this in my brother and sister. I have now given up all relationships and found that I no longer need them, I have found pure happiness within. I believe to stay in a toxic relationship just for the kids is child abuse, and also self abuse, get out now and be free, remember you have a life also not just the kids.

[Ciqala]

Simple answer - move on, and leave him for the sake of yourself, and your family.

I really think you answered this dilemma yourself, your higher self, your heart speaks true, but your guilt is keeping you back. There should be no guilt, your kids will be okay, i think you feel too much and need to take care of yourself, and know that in the end it is the best answer for your kids to not be with him.
I very much think you should move on to be happy, free, your children will respect you for that decision when they can understand, and just let them know, it is not their fault, that both of you still love them dearly, that will never change. To have the family in a situation like it is now is hurtful to everyone. It will only become worse. You should leave him, and you can work out times where they can go see him. Do not let your worries tie your hands together, they will be okay.
You need to live your life, you do not need him, and your children will be better off without him there in the long run. families operate just fine with one parent out of the picture, and your children can still see him if they want to. you don't want to have them growing up near parent's that don't love each other under the same roof, that atmosphere is stressful and painful, it is better to be truthful about the situation and split. you need to be able to be happy enough to spend time and give your all to your children and yourself and your life, instead of the stress of him ruining it all.
So i think the best idea here is for you to move on instead of staying and suffering, and the problem just getting worse. Your family will be okay if you split. You will be a lot more happy in life being single, or maybe even meet your real soul mate, the positive possibilities are endless.
There are so many pros that way. And only cons the other way.

[Natalia]

Quote : 'you do not need him' <----i bet he feels this way and is very unhappy.

Quote : 'you need to be able to be happy enough to spend time and give your all to your children and yourself and your life, instead of the stress of him ruining it all.' <----He helped make those children, does he not get some of 'her all' instead of being seen as the man that ruins it all? Before the children came she was his wife first.

Quote : 'or maybe even meet your real soul mate' <---Yes different man yet same skirt. The same issues will still prop up.

It takes work if you want it. There is no 'cure man' aka 'real' soul mate. a man is a man plain and simple and if they are loved, fed and appreciated you will see and get that back tenfold. What you put in you get back. Its not just about what YOU get but what you give. Men will show their love by action.

[Perspective]

Quote : 'you do not need him' <----i bet he feels this way and is very unhappy.

Quote : 'you need to be able to be happy enough to spend time and give your all to your children and yourself and your life, instead of the stress of him ruining it all.' <----He helped make those children, does he not get some of 'her all' instead of being seen as the man that ruins it all? Before the children came she was his wife first.

Quote : 'or maybe even meet your real soul mate' <---Yes different man yet same skirt. The same issues will still prop up.

It takes work if you want it. There is no 'cure man' aka 'real' soul mate. a man is a man plain and simple and if they are loved, fed and appreciated you will see and get that back tenfold. What you put in you get back. Its not just about what YOU get but what you give. Men will show their love by action.Good points.
I know, in relationships, especially marriage - it feels better to point the finger instead of consider how the other is feeling & how I can do better.

I'm amazed at how quickly childrens' needs are neglected sometimes. As adults, we had our childhoods, & we know how much they influence the rest of our lives. IMO, being a parent involves putting aside some of my wants, for the benefit of my children. I'm not saying to stay when there is abuse, adultery or addiction - nor do I believe constant fighting is healthy. I just think we owe it to ourselves & our family to do everything in our power for love - for what is best.

[Sarian]

Tinks and Perspective, Lightworker, if I'm not mistaken did mention he's mean and sounds pretty controlling and manipulating. I am in the process of getting a divorce myself, and I saw some signs and should have ran fast, but no, I let myself be taken in with his tears of woe and pleadings. When he wasn't pleading, he was manipulating, and calculating.

The kids and I would have been FAR better off if I left years ago. My parents stayed together for us kids and are still together and have a very sad and angry relationship. My mom seems to really hate my dad and at times he lashes out in anger and it grieves me to see that they've spent all these years this way.

My husband is foul as can be these past few days and especially today...and yet days come when he tries a different tactic again and pleads for me not to go through with it. Just games.

No one should go through life unfulfilled and unhappy for the sake of another. I put my life on hold for my kids, but I should have just changed courses WITH my kids and we'd all have been better for it. Also wanted to add that some people are just plain toxic and hateful and no matter how much you give and do and love, it will NEVER be enough.

Live life, Lightworker.

[Perspective]

Sarian,
I agree that - if a spouse is abusive, (physically or verbally) they should get outa there! Your situation seems different.
I don't think Lightworker mentioned her husband to be controlling nor manipulative. She even stated that she cares for him deeply, wants him to be happy & that he's decent...
She mentioned he's become negative & mean. Maybe she could clarify - if he daily takes it out on her or the kids, or if he's just a grouch, occasionally when he's had a bad day.
My dilemma is : I have known for 13 years that i'm married to a man that is not my soulmate. I do care for him deeply, I want him to be happy, but I don't particularly like the person he has become (quite negative and mean although decent deep down) also I have a deep nagging feeling that i need to move on to fulfill the life I planned before I came back here. I just worry about people throwing in the towel too quickly, when maybe there's more that can be done to keep a family happily together.

[Sarian]

I do care for him deeply, I want him to be happy, but I don't particularly like the person he has become (quite negative and mean although decent deep down) also I have a deep nagging feeling that i need to move on to fulfill the life I planned before I came back here.

I understand, Perspective, that's another very big reason I stayed where I didn't belong. I believed that we live in a 'throw away society' and I don't believe in that, so I tried for so many years, even when I could see it was useless and we just weren't meant to be...

I quoted the above because I thought I had seen something what lightworker wrote, and it was the above comment. Maybe I read between the lines because I, too, wanted (and still do) my husband to be happy. I hope he finds the love he desires and needs as well....it just will never be with me...but it doesn't take away from the fact that my husband is cruel, is mean, is malicious and hateful, yet pitiful, longing to be loved, yet goes to extremes to garner sympathy from others, and to portray himself as someone totally different than who he actually is, at least to me and his family.

[GentleStrength]

I think children would be best served not by a "stable" but unhappy parent relationship compared to a happy, joyous fulfilled parent situation where they happen to live apart. Think of it this way, most children grow up and emulate the family relationship of their parents, would you really want your children to end up in a relationship like you have currently?

Or would it serve everyone better to have them see you as happy and fulfilled and empowered to live the life you prefer? I'm voting for this one! :D

Btw, I grew up with a single parent from around 2 til 8 or so and then had a step-father. I think I turned out alright :tongue: and have a wonderfully loving and supportive marriage of 8 years now.

Love and Light

[lightworker]

Wow, thankyou all so much for your thoughts on this! I suppose I should clarify a few things.
My husband is never abusive or anything like that, he's just so different to me, in a bad way, not a good way.
He is a decent person with good morals, I think that's why i still care for him and wish him every happiness, but in saying that, he also chooses to live his life in a way that I don't wish to live mine.
He is quite a negative person, quite *****y and backstabby,even about his best friends,( which i really find hard to tolerate and I have tried to help him overcome this bad habit but to no avail), he doesn't put any time into our children away from the house (won't go to school things, won't drive them to sports etc), this probably sounds quite petty on my part but it's hard to write down a situation and have people understand where your coming from.
I am reading a book on happiness at the moment and I asked him what true happiness means to him (just out of curiosity) and he said it's money, if our business made enough money to have no worries ever again that would be his true happiness, and I also asked him what he would do with his life if he won $50 million dollars, and he said he would keep our business, just buy heaps more machinery and all brand new gear to go with it.
That just made my heart sink, he never mentioned us at all! I know he loves and cares for us but he's caught in the material world and i am the opposite.
He is very rarely happy and he is not an easy going person, everything is a hassle and I just don't want to live the next 50 or 60 years this way.
I think you are all right, what am i teaching my children by staying? I too agree that todays society is a throw away society and I too stayed and have persisted for so long because I know marriage is hard work, and anything worth having won't come easy, but where do you draw the line? Why should people be miserable 6 days out of 7? In saying all of this, he is a caring dad (even though he chooses not to go out of his way much) and he is a good man deep down but I want to spend my life helping people as much as i can, learning as much as i can and most importantly loving as much as i can and he doesn't, it's that simple.
Thanks again everyone for your thoughts, I am still pondering deeply on this one.

[lightworker]

Hello everyone,
I thought i'd give you an update.
We went to a friends party on the weekend, which he didn't want to go to, but went anyway. He got blind drunk, was really rude (like normal) to all our friends and when we got home he told me I am pathetic for having a dance with our 15 year old daughter, like i was trying to be 15 again, it was one song for goodness sake! He said it's time i grew up and realised that life is not about fun, and to adjust to being an adult. We never go anywhere or do anything, I dance to one song and I need to grow up?
I left a physically abusive relationship when i was 18, and that has given me alot of baggage to get over in my life because I loved that boy so deeply & couldn't understand how he could love me so beautifully most days and punch me in the head on another day.
I realised while lying in bed listening to my husband tell me i'm pathetic and need to grow up, and had a light bulb moment (thanks Oprah!) that this relationship is no different to the last violent relationship i had, except this man doesn't hit me. When he is sober he can be quite nice and loving at times and then he gets drunk and says some of the meanest things (one night he told me he doesn't think our kids are really his! and our kids heard this) and he wakes up and doesn't remember anything he says. I remember it all, and it is so confusing, for my heart and my head, and i'm sure it's confusing to the kids. He says he is so sorry and he didn't mean it & it won't happen again, and it still happens everytime we go out. I have asked him not to drink when we do go out and then everything is ok, but he says i'll just have a few and before i know it he's off his face and being rude to everyone. It's gotten to the point where i feel i can't go anywhere with him publicly. He is isolating me with everyone we know because they don't want him at their parties etc.
I am done now, i just need to figure out where to go, i have tried and tried, we have had counselling over the years, he has broke every promise he has ever made, I just lied in bed yesterday all day, too numb to function, it's ridiculous.
I wish him love & light, but i refuse to subject myself & my kids to this any longer.
Thankyou all so much for your wise counsel, it has given me much needed support. xxoo

[LadyVirgoxoxo]

So are you going to leave him?

[Perspective]

I too agree that todays society is a throw away society and I too stayed and have persisted for so long because I know marriage is hard work, and anything worth having won't come easy, but where do you draw the line? Why should people be miserable 6 days out of 7? In saying all of this, he is a caring dad (even though he chooses not to go out of his way much) and he is a good man deep down but I want to spend my life helping people as much as i can, learning as much as i can and most importantly loving as much as i can and he doesn't, it's that simple.Hi Lightworker,
I've been thinking about this - a lot lately, mostly because I can relate so much.
What you ask, about where do you draw the line... is a good question.
There are lots of things to consider... What do you want from a relationship? Is it realistic to what most men have to offer? Men & women think differently & often express love differently. Maybe your husband's way of showing love is by providing for you & your children. Maybe your "love language" is different - so both of you feel unloved, even though you both have tried to show love. It just wasn't understood/felt as love.

Sometimes I wonder if I put too much importance on romance... I mean, yes, it's an enjoyable part of life - but it's not everything. And once the fantasy wears off, it's definitely roses... thorns & all! :wink:
Hello everyone,
I thought i'd give you an update.
We went to a friends party on the weekend, which he didn't want to go to, but went anyway. He got blind drunk, was really rude (like normal) to all our friends and when we got home he told me I am pathetic for having a dance with our 15 year old daughter, like i was trying to be 15 again, it was one song for goodness sake! He said it's time i grew up and realised that life is not about fun, and to adjust to being an adult. We never go anywhere or do anything, I dance to one song and I need to grow up?
I left a physically abusive relationship when i was 18, and that has given me alot of baggage to get over in my life because I loved that boy so deeply & couldn't understand how he could love me so beautifully most days and punch me in the head on another day.
I realised while lying in bed listening to my husband tell me i'm pathetic and need to grow up, and had a light bulb moment (thanks Oprah!) that this relationship is no different to the last violent relationship i had, except this man doesn't hit me. When he is sober he can be quite nice and loving at times and then he gets drunk and says some of the meanest things (one night he told me he doesn't think our kids are really his! and our kids heard this) and he wakes up and doesn't remember anything he says. I remember it all, and it is so confusing, for my heart and my head, and i'm sure it's confusing to the kids. He says he is so sorry and he didn't mean it & it won't happen again, and it still happens everytime we go out. I have asked him not to drink when we do go out and then everything is ok, but he says i'll just have a few and before i know it he's off his face and being rude to everyone. It's gotten to the point where i feel i can't go anywhere with him publicly. He is isolating me with everyone we know because they don't want him at their parties etc. Sounds frustrating & hurtful. :hug2:
If you get a chance, inconspicuously video record him next time he gets drunk - then play it back to him when he's sober. It might help you detach & also help him realize how he's behaving like a "Richard Cranium." And about you dancing - you go girl! He's just playing his inner recording (that he feels about himself)- to you. You have it right - to dance, laugh, live it up & enjoy the light within you - any chance you get!!

[Spring1988]

Lightworker, I am a man in the same boat as you. I'd leave but I'm not financially prepared (got laid off last year) to do so and I know my wife would try to destroy me. Sounds harsh but she is deluded into thinking we have a good marriage. She and I have absolutely nothing in common. When I left her a few years ago, she kept my kids from me for two months. I couldn't stand that and went back. Biggest mistake I ever made in my life.

It is no good being married to someone you don't love. And to make matters worse, NY wife is an so-and-so. We got married too young and for all the wrong reasons. But when you throw children in the mix, it makes it extremely difficult to make up your mind and stick to it.

My wife tells me often that she would try her best to destroy my life if I ever left her again. Judging by her past actions, I believe she'll give it her best at doing so too.

I say leave him and never look back. Your kids will thank you for it when they get older.


Edited by SF Staff

[Scibat]

I've always wanted to say this, and this time it seems appropriate:

You need to ditch that zero and get yourself a hero! :color:

Not being disrespectful to your plight Lightworker, just felt like expressing my 2-cents on the subject in a more lighthearted fashion.

[lightworker]

SO funny Scibat, i love it! Spring1988, i feel your despair, at least my husband wouldn't try to destroy me, it sounds like your wife would make things pretty hard for you if you left. I suppose getting a family lawyer would be out of the question for you if you've been laid off, if you could get visitation custody of your children, she couldn't keep them from you surely. What kind of person would want to keep their children from their father (unless there's violence of course, but if your a member of this forum that would be highly unlikely:)
I keep getting messages from my spirit guides telling me "if i want change, change it!" easier said than done! I am going to leave, i've made up my mind, i just have to sort a few things out. I know now that my kids will be fine, i don't know how i know that, intuition i guess.
I had a terrible day last friday, was a blubbering mess all afternoon, i even went for a walk and had an out loud talk with the angels, and asked for help. I felt so desperate! Since then i've had a real sense of calm and a knowing that it's time for our lives to go seperate ways, and everything will be ok.
Thanks Angels & guides!
I feel if we look upon the situation with love and light (i know it's hard sometimes when the people your dealing with are spiteful) our lives will turn out ok, no not ok, GREAT!!!
I'm feeling really positive now, bring on my new HAPPY life!
PS: Thankyou all for your advice, it is really appreciated, love to you all ^j^

[OceanWaves19161]

If it helps I just get that its time to go. You need to start some sort of healing journey and I feel he holds you back. I'm told your kids are mature enough not to need him...they will miss him but soon enough they'll be doing their own thing and wont think about it that much apparently. Generally if you don't go willingly when you know it's time to go the universe will make things happen for you which can be infinitely harder.

[Gem]

Hi, I haven't posted on here for years, so i'm a little rusty!

My dilemma is : I have known for 13 years that i'm married to a man that is not my soulmate. I do care for him deeply, I want him to be happy, but I don't particularly like the person he has become (quite negative and mean although decent deep down) also I have a deep nagging feeling that i need to move on to fulfill the life I planned before I came back here.

We have struggled to stay together for all these years, we have seperated twice, once for 9 months (7 years ago) and last year for 6 months, but both times we stayed in contact (more out of habit) and ended up getting back together (I did it mainly for the children).

I was so happy when I was single, I loved life again, joy had returned to my life at all the possibilities, I wasn't being told what to do, what to like, where to go etc anymore, but the kids really missed their dad as we moved 5 hours away and he could only see them every few weeks, which was also really sad for him.

In the end, I gave in to his constant pleas to get back together, things would change etc, but now i've been back for a year and i'm back to feeling the same old feelings I had before I left.

I love him and care for him but we want totally different things out of life and the longer we stay together, the more i feel like i'm dying inside,.

But what about the children, do i stay and keep everything stable and familiar for them and feel joyless and nothing inside (apart from the joy and love I feel for my kids) or do i leave and try and work with my husband to make the shift as comfortable as possible for the kids?
I feel so guilty that i may be doing irrepairable damage to my kids and it stops me from making any decisions.
I'd love to hear your thoughts

I don't really have any thoughts about it, but I wish you and him and the kids every happiness.

[Perspective]

If it helps I just get that its time to go. You need to start some sort of healing journey and I feel he holds you back. I'm told your kids are mature enough not to need him...they will miss him but soon enough they'll be doing their own thing and wont think about it that much apparently. Generally if you don't go willingly when you know it's time to go the universe will make things happen for you which can be infinitely harder.OceanWaves,
When are kids mature enough not to need their father? Who told you that?
I'd suggest you be careful about who tells you & what - & especially what you believe!

[OceanWaves19161]

It was her guides and angels who told me to let her know that. Each persons situation is different. Don't worry I don't take things like that lightly and neither do the ones who are guiding her.

[lightworker]

Thanks guys, perspective I think oceanwaves has been misunderstood, I know it doesn't sound very nice that the kids don't need their father, but the truth of the matter is, that while they love their father and always will, he is the type of father that doesn't really involve himself much in their lives, he prefers to be at the pub with his mates, so while they do love him and always will, they can & do get on ok without him in their lives on a daily basis because they have done that all their lives. I asked the kids today how they would feel if me & dad seperated but remained good friends and dad would have them every second weekend (he works away so it's not too much different anyway) and they actually said that they think it's a good idea, that me & dad might be happier if we lived seperately but they really want us to stay friends, and I assured them that i care about their dad very much and i really want him to be happy and that everyone will be happier this way, i'm sure we can make this an amicable split, we need to remember the kids are the most important issue here, and we still care about each other, just can't live together anymore, I think your message was spot on oceanwaves but i also thank you perspective for your advice too. love & light

[LadyVirgoxoxo]

I think your solution is lovely and hope the best for you and your family :hug3:

[Natalia]

:hug2: Fantastic outcome with the children! I'm sure it will all work out where you all benefit.

Bright Blessings:smile:

[gentledove]

Hi, I haven't posted on here for years, so i'm a little rusty!

My dilemma is : I have known for 13 years that i'm married to a man that is not my soulmate. I do care for him deeply, I want him to be happy, but I don't particularly like the person he has become (quite negative and mean although decent deep down) also I have a deep nagging feeling that i need to move on to fulfill the life I planned before I came back here.

We have struggled to stay together for all these years, we have seperated twice, once for 9 months (7 years ago) and last year for 6 months, but both times we stayed in contact (more out of habit) and ended up getting back together (I did it mainly for the children).

I was so happy when I was single, I loved life again, joy had returned to my life at all the possibilities, I wasn't being told what to do, what to like, where to go etc anymore, but the kids really missed their dad as we moved 5 hours away and he could only see them every few weeks, which was also really sad for him.

In the end, I gave in to his constant pleas to get back together, things would change etc, but now i've been back for a year and i'm back to feeling the same old feelings I had before I left.

I love him and care for him but we want totally different things out of life and the longer we stay together, the more i feel like i'm dying inside,.

But what about the children, do i stay and keep everything stable and familiar for them and feel joyless and nothing inside (apart from the joy and love I feel for my kids) or do i leave and try and work with my husband to make the shift as comfortable as possible for the kids?
I feel so guilty that i may be doing irrepairable damage to my kids and it stops me from making any decisions.
I'd love to hear your thoughts

Oh, my gosh, this sounds so familiar! I stayed with a man, supporting him for 26 years, sacrificing my own interests and welfare for the sake of him and the children. He was so abusive and repressive. I did love and care for him though he was miserable and his actions were mean and dishonest. When I told him I couldn't tolerate it anymore, he always pleaded he would change. I always hoped upon hope that he would.

After what seemed endless abysmal betrayals...any one of which would have made any "sane" person leave, imo, I finally separated.

Not kidding you, it was so hard...He was furious and threatened to kill me...

The kids were so upset with me, and I finally had to admit to myself that it was so much harder than it would have been earlier on. Now I believe that had I followed my first impulse to leave earlier on events would have turned out much less tragic for all. My kids haven't grown up seeing what a lovingly reciprocal relationship is like. They actually thought such repression and abuse of the woman was "normal". Dear God, I would never want my kids to grow up thinking women are objects deserving of subjugation.

I left him and it was the best decision I've ever made. After that I met my soulmate and I wouldn't have been able to be with him if I'd stayed in the one sided, masochistic relationship.

Of course I wouldn't think to advise you, your relationship is your own, your decision is your own. All I can do is relate my own personal experiences and the results of my decisions.

By the way, my kids did adjust to the dissolution of my relationship with their Dad. I'm glad they're adapting to the new circumstances well. However, I now know even if they hadn't I still wouldn't regret the decision I ultimately made.

Truly best wishes to you with whatever you decide, big hug!

[gentledove]

Also, I wouldn't feel guilty for following your inner wisdom in whatever you decide. I always thought it was my responsibility to be "always loving" and "always put others first". Your responsibility is first to yourself. You must respect yourself and your joy/passion. Loving must foremost include loving yourself. From that, eventually only good will blossom or so I believe. :hug3:

[lightworker]

Thanks for your input everyone, this forum is so supportive. Gentledove, your story is a sad one, but with a great ending, i'm really happy for you!
I had a phone reading with one of Australia's best mediums/ clairvoyants last week, (which is amazing as i made the booking over a year ago!, the angels knew i needed that reading now!) and everything he said was spot on, down to names and everything (he does live shows like John Edward and Lisa Williams), and he was talking to my deceased nana and she told him that it's time for me to go, I was with him to try and help him with some lessons he needed to learn in this lifetime ( I don't know whether he learnt anything though?) and all my hardwork is done now and it's time for me to shine! He said i'll meet my soulmate about 15 months after we seperate and he'll be really spiritual and our relationship will be really special! So i'm chuffed about that! Although I do realise you can't live your life by a prediction, i'm just going to get on with my life, love the heck out of my kids, and start finding my joy!

[gentledove]

Yes, you were probably with him to help him, and undoubtedly you did. Either way, it sounds like your job there is complete. I believe we souls are always on little missions we're not even consciously aware of. Sounds as if it really is time to move on. If you can place aside worry and follow your own inner intuition (which requires a leap of faith which can seem like a leap off a cliff), I think you'll be onto your next adventure with flying colors!

Also, I think my use of the word "tragedy" was really overly dramatic considering we have eternity (I believe)...I think small pains here and there aren't much really in the big picture.

[Dreamer444]

Hi, I haven't posted on here for years, so i'm a little rusty!

My dilemma is : I have known for 13 years that i'm married to a man that is not my soulmate. I do care for him deeply, I want him to be happy, but I don't particularly like the person he has become (quite negative and mean although decent deep down) also I have a deep nagging feeling that i need to move on to fulfill the life I planned before I came back here.

We have struggled to stay together for all these years, we have seperated twice, once for 9 months (7 years ago) and last year for 6 months, but both times we stayed in contact (more out of habit) and ended up getting back together (I did it mainly for the children).

I was so happy when I was single, I loved life again, joy had returned to my life at all the possibilities, I wasn't being told what to do, what to like, where to go etc anymore, but the kids really missed their dad as we moved 5 hours away and he could only see them every few weeks, which was also really sad for him.

In the end, I gave in to his constant pleas to get back together, things would change etc, but now i've been back for a year and i'm back to feeling the same old feelings I had before I left.

I love him and care for him but we want totally different things out of life and the longer we stay together, the more i feel like i'm dying inside,.

But what about the children, do i stay and keep everything stable and familiar for them and feel joyless and nothing inside (apart from the joy and love I feel for my kids) or do i leave and try and work with my husband to make the shift as comfortable as possible for the kids?
I feel so guilty that i may be doing irrepairable damage to my kids and it stops me from making any decisions.
I'd love to hear your thoughts

It seems we have the same problem:hug3: we all deserve to be happy

[TheReason]

Thanks for your input everyone, this forum is so supportive. Gentledove, your story is a sad one, but with a great ending, i'm really happy for you!
I had a phone reading with one of Australia's best mediums/ clairvoyants last week, (which is amazing as i made the booking over a year ago!, the angels knew i needed that reading now!) and everything he said was spot on, down to names and everything (he does live shows like John Edward and Lisa Williams), and he was talking to my deceased nana and she told him that it's time for me to go, I was with him to try and help him with some lessons he needed to learn in this lifetime ( I don't know whether he learnt anything though?) and all my hardwork is done now and it's time for me to shine! He said i'll meet my soulmate about 15 months after we seperate and he'll be really spiritual and our relationship will be really special! So i'm chuffed about that! Although I do realise you can't live your life by a prediction, i'm just going to get on with my life, love the heck out of my kids, and start finding my joy!

This is wonderful to hear! I wish you all the best on your journey, and even through the difficult times ahead - keep your energies high and your outlook positive. You will manifest all the things you need into your life, and all the good you need too. I have all positive feelings about you, and your guides want you to know they are with you every step of the way.

Love & Light.

[lightworker]

Thanks guys ^j^

[Dreamer444]

Your relationship sounds very similar to my own it would be nice to stay in touch if you would like to add me as a friend that would be great:hug3:
Angel blessings


Hi, I haven't posted on here for years, so i'm a little rusty!

My dilemma is : I have known for 13 years that i'm married to a man that is not my soulmate. I do care for him deeply, I want him to be happy, but I don't particularly like the person he has become (quite negative and mean although decent deep down) also I have a deep nagging feeling that i need to move on to fulfill the life I planned before I came back here.

We have struggled to stay together for all these years, we have seperated twice, once for 9 months (7 years ago) and last year for 6 months, but both times we stayed in contact (more out of habit) and ended up getting back together (I did it mainly for the children).

I was so happy when I was single, I loved life again, joy had returned to my life at all the possibilities, I wasn't being told what to do, what to like, where to go etc anymore, but the kids really missed their dad as we moved 5 hours away and he could only see them every few weeks, which was also really sad for him.

In the end, I gave in to his constant pleas to get back together, things would change etc, but now i've been back for a year and i'm back to feeling the same old feelings I had before I left.

I love him and care for him but we want totally different things out of life and the longer we stay together, the more i feel like i'm dying inside,.

But what about the children, do i stay and keep everything stable and familiar for them and feel joyless and nothing inside (apart from the joy and love I feel for my kids) or do i leave and try and work with my husband to make the shift as comfortable as possible for the kids?
I feel so guilty that i may be doing irrepairable damage to my kids and it stops me from making any decisions.
I'd love to hear your thoughts

[Medium_Laura]

Very proud of you Lightworker. :) I too left my husband of 12 years because he just wasn't good for me or the children. He wasn't abusive either and I know exactly how you're feeling. I will say now, 4 years later, their father doesn't make ANY effort to even call them on the phone. His loss. Sure they miss him but they also see him for who he is. I never downgrade him to them, they made up their own minds. They are growing, healthy and happy. I also found a new relationship and he is amazing with my children. Life DOES get better. Trust in that gut and in your divine light. You'll be JUST fine! :)

[lightworker]

Wow, that does give me hope Laura, thanks! It's always great to hear of happy endings! i'm so happy for you! :)

[lovingkind]

Lightworker it sounds like you made a very wise choice. Staying with someone for the children's sake is not a good idea. It could affect the children negatively as they would sense the energy. As a result it could have negative long term affects on them. I have experienced your situation and felt I was staying with my husband for the right reasons. But I found that I couldn't do it any longer because I was dying inside and found no joy in life. I listened to my soul and left. That was three years ago and have never been happier. Our souls do know what they are talking about!

[lightworker]

:color: That's great lovingkind! Yes i agree, our souls nudge us in certain directions for a reason! ^j^

[alamode]

People say its better to have two happy parents that are separated than to have two miserable parents that stay together. i went to parenting classes and the teacher said that. i knew that my ex husband wasn't right for me and i dreaded spending the rest of my life with him. we have one child together. i didn't leave him until i met my significant other, but it has been worth it. our child was just under 3 years old when i left him. its been about a year now since the separation and i think its working out. our child is happy and is doing well. i'm much happier. i feel relief rather than dreading spending the rest of my life with someone i didn't like. i would feel grossed out by him even touching me, thats how bad it is. with my new boyfriend, i can't get enough touching and being with him. i think we're soul mates. i would have never said that about my ex.

[lightworker]

That's great alamode, i'm glad you found your soulmate! I'm much happier now, i'm starting a new business and getting out and about, i feel like i'm slowly getting back to being the old happy me! The only thing i'm struggling with is the guilt when i talk to my ex. I still care for him and i want him to be happy, but i suppose that takes time, i just have a really sensitive soul and i feel deeply for others which makes it hard on me & my decisions sometimes. He has told me that he wants me not to worry about him and to focus on myself and the kids, he said that is the only way i will find happiness. I think he is right, i just wish he would go back to being a bast#$d to make it easier for me lol! The kids are extremely happy, i can't believe it, it's fantastic! Beautiful little souls, it makes it worth it! Anyway, if anyone has any advice on how to get over your ex and not fall into the trap of "going back to what you know because it's easier" let me know, i have to stay strong!
Life is full of new opportunities, and i'm excited!:)

[Medium_Laura]

Keep remembering what he was like when you were together. That helped me. Don't let the "mask" fool you. You know the real him :)

[sunshine&smiles]

[quote=lightworker]The only thing i'm struggling with is the guilt when i talk to my ex. I still care for him and i want him to be happy, but i suppose that takes time, i just have a really sensitive soul and i feel deeply for others which makes it hard on me & my decisions sometimes. He has told me that he wants me not to worry about him and to focus on myself and the kids, he said that is the only way i will find happiness. I think he is right, i just wish he would go back to being a bast#$d to make it easier for me lol!

Hi Lightworker, just reading through this, I too was in a relationship where I knew he wasn't the one, we separated and I also discovered so much of who I am and I can honestly say I'm so happy now, and it's thanks to him leaving. It's him that plays the "poor me" card to try and make me feel guilty that he isn't happy. When you say you wish he would go back to being a b#$ as it was easier, just keep remembering how much of a b#$# he was as he could very well be playing the "poor me" card with you to make you feel sorry for him, well don't.

Enjoy you, who you are without him, love your children and just be the best you can as a single parent. Enjoy being happy and don't even consider letting him make you feel bad for being happy, as you deserve to be happy!!!!!

[mattie]

There is allot that you teach the children by example.

Do you want to unintentionally set the children up for a loveless & possibly abusive marriage by letting them have the example that moms & dads don’t naturally get along all that well?????? This is the irreparable damage that I’m more concerned about.

How about your own happiness????? At 32 you are very young to consign your self to a marriage that isn’t working when you have a whole lifetime to find a loving partner where the relationship really works. Don’t think that your kids don’t get that this isn’t working.

[sesheta]

I don't have any kids, but I can tell you what happened to my sister when she decided to get divorced:

She had stayed in the marriage for several years, being unhappy, for the exact reason you are pondering - for the kids. So she stuck it out until she finally couldn't stand it any more, and left. By this point, her girls were just becoming teenagers. Both of them decided to stay with their father. They instead were angry with/resented their mother. Both of them asked her the same thing: if you were that unhappy, why didn't you do this a long time ago?
Instead, she stayed, but the kids very easily knew that things were not right, and could plainly see that neither of their parents were happy...which in turn made them both miserable and I think feeling guilty.
It has only been within the last year or so that the youngest girl has come to terms with the divorce and has started speaking to/spending time with her mother again. The older one still will not speak to her mother at all.
So my advise from watching this unfold in my own family...is to NOT stay just for the kids. Believe me - kids know when you aren't happy, and it only makes it worse for them. I don't think it's worth it, but in the end, it's a personal choice you'll need to make.

[shandy61]

Hi Lightworker,
Just a few words to wish you strength in your decisions, it's a hard thing to have to do, but I totally agree with the majority of replies on here that say it's better to have 2 happy parents who live apart than 2 unfulfilled ones sharing a house. Kids pick up on WAY more than we know & I'm quite sure they'll soon get used to new arrangements, they adapt so well when they're young.
It's also very easy to slip back into relationship coz it's like putting on a comfy pair of shoes, but do try not to or you'll never be ready to move on in your head or heart.
Good things are round the corner for you, all you have to do is be brave enough to take the steps & keep walking forward, not turning to look back.
I wish you luck & love
S
x

[lightworker]

Thankyou all for your advice, i agree with you all, somedays are easy and great, somedays are not so great, but i am definitely not going back, just got to deal with the guilt on those yuck days, getting there though!
Love & light to you all for helping me ^j^

[lightworker]

Guess what people???? I have met the most amazing guy, I know it hasn't been very long but omg!!!!! He's so lovely to me, it's very foreign to be treated so nice!!! It's nothing serious, purely platonic at this stage and i won't be involving the children in this, we are just dating but it's so nice to be treated with such kindness and gentleness. For anyone that was in my situation, I can tell you without a doubt, this change was so worth it. My kids are so happy now, i'm so happy now and you know what? My ex is actually happier, It's weird i know but true. Me & my ex are getting on great, life is so good again, it was such a struggle for so many years. Thank you all again for your guidance through my hard times, i have come through it!!!!!!!!!!!

[Tara]

Dr. Laura once said "It is better to be unfaithful and happy then to be faithful and miserable." In your instance, 'Unfaithful' meaning that you are aware that he's not your soulmate yet still staying. The person to whom you are being most unfaithful to is yourself. If you feel that your soulmate is still out there, then go find him! Your children will understand your decisions. It may take them a little more growing up, but they will! Especially when they see how truly happy you are! Have faith in yourself and your family!

~Tara

[shandy61]

Hey Lightworker,
So glad you're seeing that there is a happy life to be had out there.
A word of caution about your new guy though I'm sure he's lovely & has certainly done your self confidence a power of good. BUT (theres always a but isn't there !)
It's really very soon to be thinking of bringing someone new into your life/heart.
For what it's worth if it were me I'd spend some time getting to know you & love yourself before inviting anyone new into your life.
Take care of yourself
S
x

[lightworker]

hey everyone,
Just a little update for anyone that's interested, i'm still dating the new guy, still platonic, and he's still a beautiful person. I agree with Shandy61 wholeheartedly, i wasn't planning on meeting anyone this soon, apsolutely did not want to, and when i met him (after talking to him for an hour) i left, not wanting to get involved too soon, but he found my number and we have been talking on the phone for a few weeks and he's one of the most beautiful people i've ever met. I'm not saying that it's going to be serious and i'm not saying that it's not, but i'm really glad i gave him a chance, the universe works in mysterious ways and we can't always choose when these things should happen.
Love & light to you all xo

[lightworker]

Hey everyone, it's been a while but fast forward a year and life is so fantastic. I'm still single, I have done so much soul searching over the past year and I feel amazing!!!! My kids are so happy, my ex & I are on pretty good terms most of the time and life couldn't be better! I'm doing all the things on my bucket list, I've recorded an album and I'm learning the guitar etc. Life doesn't have to suck, my advice to anyone that is in the same position I was, is to just follow your heart & joy!!! You can never go wrong when you do that!!
Love & light to you all xoxo

[TheReason]

I am so happy for you lightworker! I am glad you did an update for us, I remember back when you first posted and now look how far you've come! I wish you all the best on your journey. Love & Light

[Sybilline]

Whoooops edit, I just read the update. Happy for you Lightworker!!!

[lightworker]

Thanks guys, I just hope other people going through the same ordeal will see we CAN have happy endings!!!

[GoddessLove]

This post is really inspiring!

[lightworker]

I think so Goddesslove, I just know how desperate & alone I felt when I started this post. I just wanted someone to tell me it would be ok and that my kids would be ok. This community is full of amazing beautiful souls who really supported me in my dark hours. Thank you all for that xo

[GoddessLove]

I think so Goddesslove, I just know how desperate & alone I felt when I started this post. I just wanted someone to tell me it would be ok and that my kids would be ok. This community is full of amazing beautiful souls who really supported me in my dark hours. Thank you all for that xo

It's so hard to leave...I salute you:hug:

[astralsuzy]

You say you love him but your interests are different. You have nothing in common. It sounds like me. I have been married for over 20 years and our interests are now different. We have nothing in common. We are nothing like we were 20 years ago. Nothing in life is perfect. Just do the best you can. I still have the love for my husband and that is the most important thing. My husband is a kind decent person. There is no need to leave. Often things seems much nicer on the other side. You could leave but still not be happy. I would talk things over with your husband about how you feel. What you do not like about your husband. Sometimes things can be a misunderstanding. Occasionally, my husband misunderstands me and I do the same with him.

[TheReason]

You say you love him but your interests are different. You have nothing in common. It sounds like me. I have been married for over 20 years and our interests are now different. We have nothing in common. We are nothing like we were 20 years ago. Nothing in life is perfect. Just do the best you can. I still have the love for my husband and that is the most important thing. My husband is a kind decent person. There is no need to leave. Often things seems much nicer on the other side. You could leave but still not be happy. I would talk things over with your husband about how you feel. What you do not like about your husband. Sometimes things can be a misunderstanding. Occasionally, my husband misunderstands me and I do the same with him.

She has actually already left him a while ago and is very happy. She recently did an update too :) Sometimes relationships don't work out, and it's okay to accept that. Doesn't mean you don't still love them or have respect for them.

[astralsuzy]

If it does not work, it does not work. I agree with that. She has to do what is right for her.

[lightworker]

Hey guys, another update!!! I've finally met my soulmate!!!! We'vebeen together since the end of July and I still quite don't believe it!!! It's so true what they say, when you meet the one you just know. My ex hubby is dating again and happy, my kids love my new man and I am the luckiest girl in the world!

[astralsuzy]

That is good news. I am happy for you.

[sesheta]

That's awesome!!! Yes, everything happens for a reason....

:hug2:

[lightworker]

Another update, my relationship is as strong as ever, we are definitely soulmates. For anyone who is considering leaving a bad marriage, I have to encourage you to follow your heart, go towards your joy, don't make your decisions from a place of fear. From a person who was once suicidal as I hated my life so much (the love for my kids kept me here), I couldn't gave believed how wonderful my life could be. I'm so so grateful for the life I have now! Goodluck to anyone going through a tough decision like leaving!

[primrose]

lightworker, am so glad everything has worked out for you. Most of us know when it's time to move on.

[someguy92]

For start you must understand few important things...for start marriage is sacred, once you choose to be with someone it cannot be undone. Marriage is not just lets sign paper...you have TONS and TONS of time prior to marriage, to know the person deeply, but marriage is a vow. Vow is extremely potent power, thats why in the days of chivalry, vow was something sacred, its the ultimate power of will. Once you break your vow, you will never have the trust others have in you, you will loose your honor before family, God, friends. When you will be dying you will understand that honor is one of the important virtues of a man/woman...I have broke vow in my past life, vow to God and to this day I am paying the price.
Secondly, you have children...once you bring offspring into life, your life is over, finito. You cannot be selfish and sacrifice their innocent lifes for your pleasures. Your showtime is over, you had your chance. Have dignity and accept what you have sowed, dont try to get another garden, because the same problems will come again and again, until you will cope with them. Believe me, this is a challenge a test. You know deep iniside the truth, you know what is right, you know what to do. You are hearing and feeling what you want to, what your ego wants. You want freedom, yes I understand...but you must understand too, that freedom is illusion. We are dependant on others, we are all here to help eachother, to grow. We cannot do everything by ourselves, thats the point of being with others...to help eachother.
Thirdly...dont be obsessed with soulmate stuff...soulmate is just person who is at the same frequency of your soul, at your own soul level. There are tons of people on it...but from my experience..."love" doesnt exist, true love is illusionary concept of our egos, of our perfectionist mind. You said you care for him, you want him to be happy. You sacrificed your freedom for him and your children to be happy. THIS IS TRUE LOVE, this is what we strive for. Caring is the real love...There is no soul mate out there who will solve all your problems. There is no love at first sight that lasts without work and commitment. But there is someone out there worth fighting for. Not because they’re perfect, but because they’re imperfect in all the ways that are right for you. You compliment each other’s flaws in a way that allows your two spirits to unite and operate more efficiently as one.

You know what is right thing, you even wrote it...to stay with children and cooperate with your husband. You know it will be hard path, but you know that at the end lies the beautiful self realisation, that you know when you will face God in his heavenly court you can proudly say, yes I did what I done, I had problems, It was hard but I am proud what I did...you know many times, following your heart, doesnt mean following what your real you wants. Every relationship takes work and dedication, its not walk in park. But in the end you can see the fruit of your labor, working family. Every problem can be fixed, it just takes for you two to communicate. Tell him what you need, do you want some time alone...heck everyone needs time alone. Do you want more affection from him?? Tell him, he is not houddinni, if he doesnt see signals you have to kick a man to curb. But remember you have responsibility. Its your choice.

[Nada]

Someguy,
I noticed that you are only 22 yrs old.
I used to think about the marriage as you do when I was at your age.

As you go through more in depth relationships, breakups, and marriage itself, you would understand that a marriage, just like any relationship, is not so black and white. There are many grey areas.
Plus, you will be surprised how you change and how you react in a marital situation.

If you read the updates from the lightworker, she, her ex, and her kids are happy.
She was suicidal because she was so miserable before her divorce.
When a person stays in an unhappy marriage with lots of stress, the person's emotional, psychological, and physical healths are detrimentally destroyed.

It is not a happy situation for children neither to grow up with parents who are constantly fighting and unhappy. They will repeat and recreate the same unhappy family dynamics as grown ups.

In life, you have to find a balance.
Keeping a commitment is important but without destroying yourself.

[someguy92]

Nada, have you actually read what I wrote?? Maybe it was written poorly, I always had minor problems with grammar, even in my native language. Age doesnt matter, its just age of our bodies...and believe me some people in 18 years get tons of more experience than some 60 year olds who all did was work go home and eat...

Sadly, I know the ups and mainly downs of relationship. I know not everything is black and white, but you must understand few things. You cannot lie to yourself everything is ok, you must know the truth. There is TON and TON of time prior to marriage, where you can truly see if the relationship is worth the fight. You cannot chicken out, there is responsibility, your actions can have dire consequences...if you have backbone and some dignity you WONT let others suffer because of your foolishness. Yes I told we are all humans, there are hard times...but in the end its always worth the fight. Even when you dont get any reward, its always best to do the right thing. Yes life is about balance, you have to balance commitment with your personal space...but marriage is like a seal, once you seal thing you cannot go back. Finish all baggage before having kids or marriage...thats why there are so many divorces these days, people either chicken out or were foolish in the beginning.

[Nada]

Someguy,
I read you.
And what you wrote clearly indicates your social/cultural conditioning, but it absolutely lacks your own perspectives based on years of your own relationship experiences.
Someday, you will understand.
It can not be taught. It has to be experienced.
So good luck to your journey.

[someguy92]

I know there are exceptions, where man beats woman or cheating...those are the real reasons for divorce...yes I know people lie, decieve, they play the good guy, but when the seal is dealed, they change, they show true colours, I have experienced this too, but not in marriage way.

I dont understand what you want to say, but not all men are cowards you know. There are men who are still doing what should be done, but they are near extinct...

[shone]

If they tell you to chose your children lives and yourself who do you chose, many mothers who say save my children but there even those who can chose to safe their own lives but the truth is it takes a great mother who stand by her child and watch her grow no matter what she goes through but that does not mean that there not those who abandon them. It takes someone who grew without mother when she is alive to know how important it is for the child to grow in his/ her mothers hands.
however what ever you chose i wish you luck.

[lightworker]

Someguy, I really hope you never experience a bad marriage. I do not agree with you at all and if a suicidal person who is considering leaving a marriage (like i was) is reading this, your comments may just make them feel so guilty they may do something rash. Where's your compassion? Life changes, people change, I believe in a compassionate loving god. God's not going to punish 2 very young kids who stupidly married and then later divorced! I'm 100% happy with my decision and as ive said before goodluck to the people reading this thread, my thoughts and love are with you.

[alamode]

There is no such thing as marriage in the spiritual world. No such thing as families either. We're all just playing roles as actors here on earth. Divorce is no big deal in the spiritual world---it means nothing. Its just a man-made invented earthly illusion of a "forever" commitment, so in reality the commitment is non-existent in our real home.

[lightworker]

Could not of said it better alamode, perfect!

[lightworker]

I have been with my soulmate now for 1 & 1/2 years and I am incredibly happy! My life is perfect now and I know I 100% made the right decision to leave my unhappy marriage 

[shone]

When people have been together for such a long time the love changes, especially if there are kids as well. Most people fail to adjust to the changes. However it is not suppose to be that way. I am failing to believe that you don't want to be with him anymore because if that was the case you would have not went back to him for all these times you walked away and came back, I know you said you were doing it for the children but were you really doing it just for them? What I know is once a woman feds up she goes and never look back. Try to find ways of bringing back the spark you too had before and believe me it is possible.

[Heartguide]

I would say that if you decided to commit to caring about your best possible solution that you might, if you tried really hard, actually go into learning about the best way to act.

[mdm77351]

never use the kids as an excuse for happiness!!

[CJ82Sky]

I have been with my soulmate now for 1 & 1/2 years and I am incredibly happy! My life is perfect now and I know I 100% made the right decision to leave my unhappy marriage 

lightworker - i saw this thread resurface and i am so happy to hear things are going well with you! it's wonderful when things work out for the better. sometimes we just need to have a little faith and look on the bright side and let the universe let everything else fall into place. :hug3:

[Norligh]

Oh I near tears reading this. I made the decision to divorce my ex-husband when our son was only two and it was the hardest scariest decision of my life. Here I am though with a four year old, two cats, two fish, a bird and a Guinea pig, lol. I kept my house but the grace of God and He blesses my life at all turns. I've been taught a lot of lessons in love since then and I truly believe I'm in a twin soul relationship right now. He was the love of my life and is now gone and I am healing more than ever.

I'm so happy for you. Selfishly I can't wait for the day when I am finally with my soul mate and in a happy long-lasting relationship; I still pray it will be with this amazing soul I met but even if not it is my intention to one day, hopefully not too far away, marry my soul mate.

I think so Goddesslove, I just know how desperate & alone I felt when I started this post. I just wanted someone to tell me it would be ok and that my kids would be ok. This community is full of amazing beautiful souls who really supported me in my dark hours. Thank you all for that xo

[Norligh]

You really are a source of inspiration for me. You recorded an album? I want to write a book. When we do what we are supposed to do in life then things fall into place for us.

BTW I just got off the phone with my ex. We had a nice convo. We get along great and he is so much happier without being married! We pray for him every night that he is happy and healthy.

Hey guys, another update!!! I've finally met my soulmate!!!! We'vebeen together since the end of July and I still quite don't believe it!!! It's so true what they say, when you meet the one you just know. My ex hubby is dating again and happy, my kids love my new man and I am the luckiest girl in the world!

[lightworker]

Good on you Norligh for keeping the faith! I know it's really hard sometimes, but I believe with all my heart you WILL be with your soulmate oneday! Goodluck 

[Mr Interesting]

Nothing has a stronger influence psychologically on their environment and especially on their children than the unlived life of the parent.

That's a quote by Carl Jung, who someone told me once that I was in a past life... so theres my claim to fame!

This came up because I remember it being something I came across a few years ago in relation to a friend who was... I can't really remember, but it would have been some nutty deep stuff that was affecting him and his big old family.

It stuck with me for a while and here it is again, while kitty kat tries to sleep on my lap and I know I'll be goin' to meditate after I've done this and kitty kat will be on the borders of sleep... but kitty kat's deal with change so easy... so why can't humans?

I mean basically that if you lightworker go out and do what you gotta do then the kids know they can do that too whereas if you don't then that's what they learn... maybe it even goes deeper as the noble Carl suggests.

To be, or not to be, that is the question—
Whether 'tis Nobler in the mind to suffer
The Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune,
Or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them?

That's Shakespeare and I think he was talking about the same thing.

Do we stay and deal with the hurts of our heart not throwing itself to fate or do we get strong and jump... Well sort of, but whatever, it's the type of questions that have always been asked and will keep on being asked.

Imagine one house with a wall down the middle that adults keep to either side of and kids can pass through without difficulty. Each adult says this is my space and I'm goin' to be me in it and the kids learn to deal with it in whichever way is best for each of them... that's, above all, an honest reality of the underlying definitions... and why not?

[shone]

What I know is that life is lifeless once you start living for other people. You are living a life you hate because you think you are doing what is best for the children, It is very likely that your kids will grow up and follow the trend of living the life they hate for the sake of pleasing other people and I do not believe that is the life you wish for them. At this point the best thing you can do for them is to take yourself out of a situation that does not make you the best person in the world, surely as they grow older they will understand and she reasons behind your action. I respect the love you have for your children you are a good mother. But life is short do not neglect your happiness.

[lightworker]

Thanks guys, very wise words indeed 