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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Love & Relationships -Friends and Family

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  #1  
Old 16-09-2022, 06:46 PM
asearcher
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Exes

sorry this is one of my in the exes guestion category, i most likely i think have asked something similar before.
how do one knows if one's current is over their ex or not? is there a way to know? and why would one want to make your own partner insecure by talking about an ex if you don't need to? if there is nothing bad or anything else alike that would brought on why you would have to talk about an ex?

Last edited by asearcher : 16-09-2022 at 08:41 PM.
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  #2  
Old 16-09-2022, 10:26 PM
FairyCrystal FairyCrystal is offline
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Nothing wrong with talking about an ex if it is relevant to the moment. Like something in the now triggering something you experienced with an ex.
Whether it should be reason for alarm depends on how you still feel about said ex and how often it happens, the subject material etc. etc.

I can talk about an ex with ease because there aren't any feelings in the mix anymore. That also means that in general there's no reason to talk about him though, and unless it is relevant to the moment I won't do so either.

I guess there's a fine line between it being okay and being too much?

How do you know you're over an ex?
They're not on your mind anymore and there are no feelings for that person anymore. As such you don't often think nor talk about them either.
You don't long to be with them still/again.
You can have good memories, sure, but that's different from still / again wanting to be with them.
Not feeling anything in particular when you happen to see them somewhere. (not feeling anything romantically)
Your heart doesn't skip a beat when you see them.
You just know in your heart you've healed and are over them. And you know you wouldn't want or take them back (without feeling anger, resentment, regret and so on).

Not feeling anything includes anger and/or holding a grudge, bad-mouthing them etc. It's all gone to rather neutral. Something from the past that at some point was part of your life with good and less good memories. But all rather neutral nonetheless.
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  #3  
Old 17-09-2022, 08:17 AM
asearcher
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Thank you very much for explaining it well.

Last edited by asearcher : 17-09-2022 at 10:21 AM.
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  #4  
Old 17-09-2022, 10:26 AM
asearcher
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What I can see as a danger on the receiver end is that one could feel one never knows what goes on in another person's head and heart and the one talking about their ex is the one in control, the one who knows, the ones who is secure.

That that person needs to have empathy enough to realize they could be playing with fire, making their partner insecure; starting something, and that it in time could backfire. To go from sad, hurt, insecure to angry and wanting nothing to do with that partner no more, while that person still love you. I have been in such a situation before. You get angry and you loose your interest because your partner has instead of making you feel beautiful, attractive, the only one, been planting thoughts in your head to make you insecure, while you yourself have not done that to your partner. I think you got a right to react, to stand up for yourself, but the partner should have considered doing that for you.

I think some are foolish enough to talk of their ex or exes a particular way to show they have been experienced and not been single too long. As if that is some sort of medal, some sort of status, which I never understood. Instead I would get all sorts of questions in my head. Like: Is this guy with me just because he has to be with someone? He can't be alone? Is he really serious about me or what? Perhaps good idea to have him checked for any sexual diseases...?
It might have worked with others to impress, but it didn't with me. We can all be different how we react on these things.

One has to truly know the person inside out to know the real message, why this person chose to talk about their ex or exes. When you as an item and are strong and been together for long then I can imagine it is not a threat. Then again how you talk, how often you talk etc. All depends.

What I think is so disrespectful is when other people, like family members of the partner, talk out of the blue of your partner's ex to you or around you or your own family members. I've had that happen. For that reason I was very specific to my family to not talk about an ex of mine to my current. It was out of respect of my partner and our relationship. I didn't think they would anyways, but still wanted to make sure.

What I have found true is that, and this is something I don't like doing always, is to do to someone what wrong they have done to you, because then what kind of example do I set then doing it myself, but there are times it just don't work, you just know you are not going to be heard. You're only gonna sound vulnerable and inferior and frustrated and jealous and the other person is gonna think you over react, exaggerate and hit itself on the chest like some pumped up gorilla. So if someone was to talk about their ex you too could talk about your ex. And if you don't have someone hell make someone up. Or perhaps talk that way about someone that you work with. Some people do not get it til they themselves are exposed to it.

I know in a past relationship I refused to do that out of pure principle. Meanwhile my feelings for the guy became less so as I found him less attractive because of his talk of his ex. I would also be hesitant as I would think ok he had it so stable as he present it and he could not make it work either of those times, then what is wrong with him, maybe? It did not feel so special. Nothing felt special BTW. It just felt as if he was already worn out. I couldn't help it. That is how I felt back then. Like yuck. He was older than I was.

I see it as different if someone would talk early on on their ex to explain why for instance he has moved and where he use to live and work with before.

I think it is the solution to much: To mirror someone else, that way they can have a real good look at themselves, and maybe then think twice before introducing that to someone else. Shouldn't treat someone else the way you wouldn't yourself want to be treated :)

Last edited by asearcher : 17-09-2022 at 11:58 AM.
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  #5  
Old 17-09-2022, 12:06 PM
asearcher
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Too would like to add is that it is never nice to feel you are being compared to an ex in a way.

As for me I could see or so I thought I could see (and still think so) why my husband was before a good match with his ex: Where they were alike and where they too were different. It did not matter as they could not make it work anyhow.

He would never tell me so much of his ex and all but by the complaints he made on me made me feel as if I was not good enough even if I did not do this to him. That and how someone in his family signaled and my husband's silence made me insecure. It was even a sort of mental abuse what was done to me. To then sit and trying to do therapy and hear his mouth go frantic and him saying he loved everything about me and so on was such a bad joke. I think he and his ex valued some things I did not value as much and I would say things to him that we were too different and I think he should be with someone more like himself and possibly with someone more like his ex. I came to resent some of his qualities after he had put some of mine down. I did not want to change those about myself. He's apologized big time for that but truth was I filled in the gaps with what I wanted to fill them in with. I would say from that perspective it was a down side to me knowing and having seen his ex, to no fault to his ex. I remember I too thought when we were separated that if I was to fall in love again in the future it would never be with a guy with those kind of qualities (of where I think he went over board with before).

What I could too tell about myself is that he was no longer my physical type that I desired. Something had changed. He himself had been told all his life he was good looking and he was looking after himself and I was sure he looked good to others but he just did not cut it with me no more. He wasn't my type. I know I began to think what is my type? What did I find attractive? Did I treasure being on the treadmile 24/7 and not being of the exact weight that he desired? No I did not. I knew I still had it, I knew I liked my own looks and weight.

I can imagine had we not reconsiled and done all the work before that that the next one I would have dated or ended up with would not have been of the same type as he was. If I wo uld have to mention him and I would have given we were co parenting it was that the whole experience taught me what I wanted to be about and what I would appreciate about a partner.
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