Being too kind in relationships?

I've heard from those who know me in real life that I have been too kind while in romantic relationships (this said by both women and males, different times).

The guys were acting secure, like king of the world, I can remember how they were, they seemed happy to me. 2 of them had regrets after having initiated the break ups with me when I would not return. The last, current, has too I feel had a secure, cocky way to him at times. He himself has said that he has never felt so safe with anyone as he had with me (before things were turning for the worse in the past) or ever felt so good with someone. Still I do not think he respected me enough before and had to point that out to him.

I have genuinely thought that if you are in a romantic relationship with someone you are suppose to be kind. I can see when looking through old photos that yes, I look kind, but why is that something bad?

Should i not have been better treated by a man because I was kind if he now loved me, instead of him realizing only when it was too late - that that was just what it was - too late?

If they now loved me in their own ways, and they knew i was kind, why then not appreciate that while they had it?

If I dare to speak openly I think my first love (who was seen as a bad boy) would by everything he said later in life view me later with respect. The other one that came after that one would later on try to apologize. My current one did not get his act together til I had to finally leave him and him going into therapy.

When did kind get to be a door math? And why then miss that door match so much later on? I suspect my two exes had more difficulty finding someone new of the quality they were searching for after our break ups, and then figured I wasn't so bad after all.

When I was feeling good in the relationships I had my guard down and I was myself, I was kind, and often fun loving (without the cocky attitude). It's been the times when I have been kind, when I have felt feminine, when I have been vulnerable when the guys hurt me the most. I am struggling now if I will only receive respect if I got my guards up and have a cocky attitude, or if I can actually return to my kind self and still in the long run still be respected.

What is it with some men or females that when they are in a relationship with someone kind that they then go and decide to treat them without respect?

I have felt during both my breakups in the past in a way it was as if the men fell in love with me all over and had a newfound respect for me, something they should have had when they had me, when they had the chance, but didn't. Why is it wrong to be kind?

[astralsuzy]

Hi asearcher, being kind is a very good quality to have and you should not change it. If people do not respect you or like your good qualities then they are not worth being friends with. Go out with good quality people and do not settle for anything less. Remind yourself that you are good and kind and will only go out with people that are the same as you. At times we may not realise that they are not nice. At first they seem good until we get to know them better. I think that can happen to everyone. We do not want awful people in our lives so we break the contact. We do not see them again.

Thank you Astralsuzy :) Yes true.

Maybe in the end it is about them not thinking they deserve the kind of love I gave and rejected that, rejected me. Thought my kindness was something to laugh at and not treasure, not real, not of value to them. Messed up heads. Throwing pearls to swine.

I think in all cases there was a conflict between their self confidence and self esteem. The self confidence was the surface and doing pretty good, you know, but the self esteem was low, wanting to regulate, have me or anyone "just there", lower vibration. Anything higher than that was to be rejected. Wanting to in moments pull me down with them. I was raising and raising but for some reason they were not and wanted to pull the strings, I was too high up, threatening. They couldn't come up themselves, the way they ought to. I don't know fully what was holding them back. Think it was envy, and fear seeing me up there. For some reason my love was not enough to bring them up with me. It hurts that it was not enough and their love for me was not enough. Couldn't get them up with me.

I was shy, insecure in a way but still kind, and these guys fought the hardest for my attention and hung in there, understanding and for a long time respected my shyness. I know one friend who said "I don't know how you do it", I did not understand. Her point being you got a bad boy who behaves angelic around you and do everything for you. Then they turned out like that, once there was trust. They sure took their time but there it was. When I think of it why was I even surprised. Who they were all the time. Bad boys comes in all shapes and all looks and they might not even identify themselves as it, but they still are it. I didn't tame them, they were never tamed.

Their signs of insecurity showed through jealousy, control, putting me down, trying to put fear in my system through threats. I know my husband has done all those things to me and that ain't his autism on the spectrum talking. I know myself when my self esteem is more bruised than usually that the insecurity make me more jealous. He has tried to regulate me throughout just because he could not fly higher with me.

Thank God for good therapy, and him doing the inner work, but still - today I am bruised from how he used to be. He's different today, way, way, way better. Sure took time, though. He's only hoping I'll stay and for him to make it up to me no matter how long it takes. I'm still waiting for that period to end (the honeymoon/kind phase or what this now is, hoping now it ain't like before) and the shift between hot-and-cold to start to keep me regulated too low. That one takes so much energy. He never got to the discard-stage though like my ex did, gotta give him that. Always something, I guess.

I know with both my ex and my current that I have felt that the problems began when we were suppose to have a steady ride. It took my current longer, with me or us having it steady, but then he began flying the plane up and down instead of straight forward, the way it is suppose to go to the finish line. I know with my ex it was always the same thing, the second time around though I saw a pattern, and that was my cue, me saying goodbye. I think it would just get the same or worse and worse.

The pattern was that each time we were suppose to be happy, or I was happy, he too began flying the plane up and down. They would go after you when you were happy, your guard down, you're vulnerable, you're kind. Not when you are expecting it. That is the stage I think when their "love" for you goes stronger in a way and their fear increases and they can't handle it, thus the plane start going up and down, and I've felt like I was in the passenger seat, just having my drink, not getting at first what was wrong, what was going on. Like why now? The weather is fine, no thunder lights outside. To me no reason for it.

One knows they have succeeded when you yourself are making the regulations, that way you don't have to be hurt, before thinking you're safe. Now you know better and their idea of you have become your own. That's when they've won. Then you stand so pretty in line. Just how they like it. It's ugly alright. The thing is they only do this to women they have strong feelings or love for. The rest they actually treat better or not at all, but those relationships are merely on the surface, they won't be let through, not even through the first gate. So the woman they have strong feelings for, or love or their idea of love, the last person they want to loose they behave the opposite to make their fear turn true, ultimately she'll stop loving and leave. It's messed up.

I believe that you have to start out with truly loving yourself, having a good self esteem, before you can love someone else and treat them right and appreciate what they give, such as maybe, as you point out, kindness. A man who was, is whole on the inside would know how to appreciate it, I hope.

[astralsuzy]

My first boyfriend of long ago was nice at the beginning. As more time went by he got meaner and meaner. My self esteem at the time was extremely low. Fortunately I had a few good friends and they advised me to get rid of him and I did. I always try to learn from my mistakes. I thought next time the person I meet has to be nice and have good qualities. I will settle for nothing less. Over time I began to realise I was a good person and I had qualities. My self esteem kept improving to an acceptable level. Not long after I met someone who is now my husband. We both treat each other well, right from the start.

So sorry to hear you have had it that bad before, Astralsuzy, but so wonderful you found your prince charming at last :) Think it is real good you got your self esteem up up.

in my relationships it has been mixed up the good and the bad and not easy to see patterns when you are right in it.

I know now the very reason why they call bad boys bad boys, they are not typically the ones you end up in a serious relationship with or marrying. They usually do not want that either, but for some reason they wanted it with me. Think I've learned my lesson now, better late than never, LOL.

I don't know if I was bad myself in a past life or not but there has been times I have almost felt as if I have at one point but don't know what to make of that, and think I was only shown what I was meant to be shown, and not something I am hunting more experience from. Who I am now is all I can be and all I think I am meant to be and hopefully for me to evolve.

I am now hoping that me and my husband can in time completely leave our troubles behind and show the next generation what a healthy, loving and kind relationship/marriage should look like and end the destructive family traditions, the worlds we both came and survived from, once and for all. For a long time we had only survived from it but we had not healed from it. I'm hoping that will end the evil circle, and that any child of ours will in the future chose wisely and carry on good and new traditions instead.

I will continue to be kind to people and try to rise above if and when they try to drag me down instead of facing themselves :)

[astralsuzy]

Hi asearcher, I do not believe in prince charming. I think there is no such thing as perfect. Things can be perfect one day and not the next day. There are no perfect marriages. Everyone has their problems. Some peoples problems are worse than others.

It is important to have good self esteem. When your self esteem is low it can lead to self harming and can cause other problems. When I was growing up I had a lot of bullying that happened to me. It is something I do not talk about. I leave it behind. When I got older I found people liked me and my self esteem gradually increased.

I do not believe in curses in families. That is something I would see on a movie on TV. There can be a continuation of what happens to a child. When a child is treated badly they can grow up and the same thing continues to happen to the next generation. It keeps repeating generation after generation. Not all people do that. Some people break the cycle and live good lives and treat people well.

I would love to study Buddhism. That sounds very interesting. I will look into it.

Having revenge does not help anyone. It only makes things worse.
I do not think you were bad in a past life that cause this to happen to you. I think it depends on what we choose to do. If we make a bad decisions that can cause upsets. I nearly married my first boyfriend and that would have been a disaster.

Try to surround yourself with good quality people. My sister in law continually is nice to me. I would rather if she ignored me. I know she is toxic and not a nice person. She has done nice things but she is also nasty and has put me down over the years. I never did anything to cause it. I ignored her comments but now I do not want to see her. I have not seen her for months and I like it that way.

Hi Astralsuzy, thank you yes. I edited/deleted some from what I wrote before as I remembered you prefer it short or average and you know me, I can take off big time/writing much. So thank you as I can see you read through it all before I took some parts away :)

I agree with you 100%. How awful about the bullying, some insecure kids can be real mean when it is really a cry for help I think, so sorry you got caught in the fire of that, no excuse for it. I think my self esteem has varied over time, and yes when we make mistakes we sure pay for them to know not to repeat them.

I will try to surround myself with such people.

Ah, yes your sister-in-law, I remember, good you stand your ground :)
Here is a link to a buddhism video on how to think, deal with toxic people, I'm trying to adapt to it. Added it here since you wrote you would like to look into it :)

It is really no use to have a relationship with someone who does not take responsibility for it's own actions and do not try to do better. Who minimize the wrong she has done to her not having done anything wrong at all, and are double-faced. You do right to have her at that distance if this is the level she is at unfortunately and not let her poison get to you.

[astralsuzy]

Hi asearcher, I do prefer it short. I do not like things that are too long to read.

We all make mistakes. It is important that we learn from our mistakes otherwise we can keep making the same mistake again and again. Some mistakes can be disastrous. It may not have anything to do with karma. If we make bad decisions then the outcome can be terrible. My brother kept going out with violent women and he kept getting divorced. He has a new woman but I do not think my brother will ever learn. Making financial mistakes can be bad as well. My brothers lost $120,000 dollars each in the stock market. I advised them not to do it but they never listen to me.

Thank you for the link. I will have a look at it later. It should be interesting and I am looking forward looking at it.

[lostsoul13]

I want to be kind because it seems like a imperfect straight line- one that comes with pain- maybe it would be best to hit out and be narcissism self and esteem some situations and circumstances out of people- for know it’s a way of life for me looking and acting towards life not people- maybe I’ve got a higher sense of narcissism? I think it only affects because I’m so aloof- I know pains going to be : I haven’t got time to waste just denial about the 12 hours it takes me to die???

Lostsoul13,

you are kind, and I have not seen a single narcissistic reply of yours all the time you've been here, I'm sorry I feel a need to protest when you use the word narcissist of yourself, could be because of my own personal experiences with narcissism.

It is different if lets say a mental illness is taking much of your energy or you are going through something and for you to then use it inwards, that is not at all the same as narcissism. Same for people who go through depression or suffering from anxiety - none of these condition makes you narcissistic in any way but could be as you need to be whole inside the energy has to go that way and perhaps you may then come off as selfish or see yourself as more selfish but maybe selfish during that time is exactly what you need to be stronger, more whole, but you could too try to mix it up a little, and feel it out, how much socializing that feels alright with you at the time, it can vary. Then when you are doing better you have more to give others and from then on it is a spiral upwards, I think.

I know a dear friend of mine that when going through troubles it was like 99% of what we talked about and that was what she needed then and later she would contact me and said she felt bad as she remembered we had only talked about that, but I know had it been the other way around she would have listened to me. It was perfectly alright. She would feel bad as she felt selfish but I told her not too, she was going through something that acquired that much energy from her at the time. She ain't like that no more, she has come out of it. We can all have phases like that in life when we have to use that much energy for ourselves.

I think my exes and my current were going through stuff on their own where they were not feeling alright and it did not have anything and if it did then not much about me. I do not regret being kind as that was who I was, am and wish to attribute to. I think though when people mistreat us that we teach them from that point on how to treat us. Lets say someone is doing silence treatment on you and you do not deserve that. Then you can say to yourself I am doing silence treatment on you as well. The one doing the silence treatment expect you to feel bad and to try to reach out as they blame you for what ever happened. When you do not and do the same to them they have lost their advantage. The very reason why they do it i the first place is because they have a weak mind, they feel inferior towards you, towards life, they're afraid. I've had those who do silence treatment on me who are the ones running back with their tails behind their backs, and apologize to me. Til they are there it is of no use to talk. I do not ever initiate a silence treatment as I think it is cruel and not something I wish to attribute in how to solve things or try to get revenge or what ever. I do not see anything that is suppose to be productive with silence treatment of someone, especially someone you know you care about and are in a relationship with, then you should be more afraid to loose them and you should value them more than to do that on them. My mom did silence treatment on me a lot, I was the only child to receive this. She would later say I was strong. She thought she had to be more tough on me because she viewed me as strong. I knew she wanted to dominate me, and take that last part of me but nobody gets that last part of me. By me not joining their game they are loosing their advantage, the whole point to what they were doing falls apart. They have more troubles with themselves than you actually. That is how I try to think of it these days.

I know death can seem very frighten but the deaths I have witnessed and the deaths I have experienced doing past life regressions are a transcendium to return to spirit. If and when I get scared thinking about death I am trying to think of the quote that yes one day we will die but on all the others we will live (I think Snoopy said that). Helps to turn things around, for the better but I too have my questions, wonder, and frighten feelings about that as well, despite me having been shown several times that it all ended well.