How Can I Make Relationship More Serious

[Altair]

Originally Posted by asearcher

Dear BunnyJen90, please take this the right way, you're selling yourself too short. There is unbalance in the relationship and why should you pay the price for it? The question to me is not that you need more affection, the question is you need to know where you stand and if so determine for yourself if that make you feel loved just as much back as the love that you give. Any relationship that is healthy is in balance, harmony, equal. The kind where one is the boss over the other is destructive. Anyways, your choice. I just think it is a darn pitty that you think the problem is you. If I had a boyfriend and he told me he was not looking for a serious relationship and I wanted one I would not settle. I would say move out of my way, I need to find Mr Right. Why would you settle? There are so many gorgeous guys out there that would treat you right, I'm sure of it. In the few relationships I have been in, sure, there has been flaws, but a boyfriend who says he is not serious about you? Never had that. Why would you settle for that? That is abuse, my friend. You should not accept that. And believe me it is not that I would be better than you in any way, it is more the quality of the guy I think to know if what he wants is serious or not. Seem to me you are a giver and he is a taker and it will leave you empty. It's like you go around thinking all sorts of things are wrong with you, there is nothing wrong with you for wanting equal love when what you give and what you wish to give is equal love. He needs to get a grip, seriously. You are so protective of him that you come up with all sorts of ideas that you crave more love than someone else, no you don't. You're normal, you're good just the way you are and you have realistic expectations that one have in a serious relationship, that's it.

Based on the OP, the boyfriend sounds rather nice. Only difference is she wants to live together and he wants to wait. That isn't him being the ''taker''. It's something they can have a chat about, to understand each other better. For all we know, neither is at ''fault''.

Language like ''Mr Right'', ''there are so many guys that will treat you right'', ''abusive'', and blaming everything on him doesn't seem helpful in any way. Sounds more like you're telling her to end her relationship.

Hi Altair, you've had your say, and I have had mine. You don't need to agree with me, this is a forum, a platform for all kinds of opinions and perspectives, and it might very well be that you and I look at this from different perspectives.

The way it comes across to me is that what she wants with him is a serious commitment and he is not looking for a serious commitment according to her, that is how I read it. I guess we see different things "in red" when we read her words, that's all.

She should not be afraid to talk to him about this, if afraid to loose him over this than he should be equally afraid to loose her over this, they need to stand on equal ground for it to be in balance.

I don't want her to settle and think there is something wrong with her just because she craves love the way she does, I think it is done out of insecurity - that he is causing knowingly or perhaps not knowingly.

There is a part of her that is unhappy about the conditions he sets or else she would not have titled the thread that she wants it more serious, that is a sign she needs to act on, that is a cry from the within, she is reacting on something that is not healthy for her.

I am looking for her to stand up for herself and know her worth as she is suffering of the condition he has made on their relationship, both need to be happy with the conditions.

To me it is simple - if he is not serious about her than yes, she should know her worth and she should know that not all guys are like that. There is no reason for him to keep her hanging on like that and making her more and more insecure over time. They should both feel just as loved and sure of each other.

All the words I wrote earlier - I don't take back. I mean them. You can chose to disagree with me and don't think it is helping, that's up to you but I do have every equal right to have my say too.

[FairyCrystal]

Many women end up in connections that aren't real relationships and in which they do not get what they really want and deserve.
Usually these women tell themselves it will change, he needs a bit of time, and blablabla.
In reality what's going in is that the man is just not feeling it for you. Often they even tell you, like in your case, yet the woman stays in the situation, convinced he will change his mind. I don't think I've ever heard the man did do that.
What does often happen is that the man falls in love with another woman and is off. With that woman he's moving fast as he's really into her and doesn't want to lose her. Meaning he will often move in with the woman or marry her real fast, have a baby on the way etc. At times in the time frame of a few months while the woman that was left behind broken-hearted had been waiting and hoping for that for years. And not understanding what happened, while in actual fact she was just stupid enough to put up with not getting what she deserved.

Men can really do this for years on end, enjoying the company, attention, sex etc etc without having to invest anything himself.
And this happens so often it's scary.
The only remedy is having high standards and cutting someone off when they don't invest, don't want a future with you and don't treat you the way you deserve.

Dump this man, or if you find that difficult still, start dating again. Start seeing other men and lower the time and energy you give a guy who has made it clear he's not into you. He should be way low on your list of priorities, actually shouldn't be on there at all.

[A human Being]

Originally Posted by asearcher

I am looking for her to stand up for herself and know her worth as she is suffering of the condition he has made on their relationship, both need to be happy with the conditions.

It takes two to tango, the OP is just as responsible for the situation as her boyfriend is. You're making it sound like it's all his fault, and calling his behaviour 'abuse', as you did in an earlier post, isn't helpful.

Perhaps Altair has a point. My intuition keeps telling me that romantic relationships are a distraction anyway and that I should focus much more on my career. Perhaps we aren't meant to be and I should just give up on dating. I'm 30 now so I figure I'm getting to old to keep looking for the right guy.

[Altair]

Originally Posted by BunnyJen90

Perhaps Altair has a point. My intuition keeps telling me that romantic relationships are a distraction anyway and that I should focus much more on my career. Perhaps we aren't meant to be and I should just give up on dating. I'm 30 now so I figure I'm getting to old to keep looking for the right guy.

You could always set things straight with your boyfriend and tell him your wishes for the future. You're 30 and you've been together for a while now so it kinda makes sense. Maybe he doesn't wanna make the move for whatever reason. Men are people too, most of us aren't ''takers'' and ''abusive'' as some others have suggested. You two could very well be 'meant to be', it's not for any of us to say you aren't. Ask yourself and your boyfriend!

I texted my mom about the situation with my boyfriend and she says we are much better off as friends than boyfriend and girlfriend and I feel she know more than I do so I think we will just maybe go back to being good friends.

[FairyCrystal]

Originally Posted by BunnyJen90

I texted my mom about the situation with my boyfriend and she says we are much better off as friends than boyfriend and girlfriend and I feel she know more than I do so I think we will just maybe go back to being good friends.

parents often have a much better perspective of their child's relationship than the child itself. They clearly see when they're with the wrong person well before the child themselves is ready to admit that.

I've been there with my parents, and now, a parent myself of adult children, the same applies to me.
I usually don't mind their business unless it really goes out of hand or if they ask my advice.

Maybe talk to your mom. Might help you strengthen in your decision and to stick with it.
But I sure would suggest figuring out what you had to learn from all this and why you stuck it out so long, so that you won't repeat it in the future.

And 30 and giving up hope, just because of one mistake that's likely a lesson you needed? I turned 55 two days ago and I'm also looking for this great guy! I have had long term relationships, I too had to learn, but I've never given up hope. That would be giving power away to that person and still allowing them control over your life and life choices. Why do that?
You're at the helm, no one else, and no one is worth you throwing away your chance of happiness for.

Sorry but I've given up hope 9 years ago with all the hype about 2012 only for there to be no change like a certain politician promised. Sorry for bringing politics up and
Sorry but since then I've learned never to get my hope up so high again. I just worry that since I'll never marry or have kids that others will look at me as stupid. But then again some of the most successful people in my family were the ones who had no kids.

Originally Posted by BunnyJen90

I just worry that since I'll never marry or have kids

anything can happen, i had a friend who told me he would never have a girl friend as he was 26 and never had one then boom, on a trip to another city he got one. i knew a priest who said he would never marry or have kids, now he is married with three kids (not a priest anymore!). life can bring surprises and changes out of the blue and unexpected.