burning

learning to heal · #1 30-12-2011, 01:05 AM

Burning.

Slowly burning out.

I can’t remember a time we were happy. The arguments never stopped. The women were always suicidal. We grew up saving lives and waiting to be saved from ourselves. Self-harming, mums cooking carelessly, hitting your head with your hands over and over, and over again. Someone notice me I beg you. It was easier hiding in your Barbie house and living make-believe fairytale stories. Dear dad, I don’t recognise you. Last I remember of you I was riding on your back as you were down on all fours making me laugh. You always let me beat you in chess and take me for bike rides. Dad, I lost myself the day you stopped caring. When you were never there for ANY of my volleyball team games, or cheering me on when I won cross-country. You were never there for school meetings and I can’t remember you ever asking how my day went even. I lost you the day you lost all respect and dignity for yourself when you realised the monster you were. When you beat me up for feeling like you had failed me because I at the age of 12, had a crush on the boy next door. The worst thing though is you never forgave yourself, so instead you kept at it. This new person you had become. And I lost you dad. I was your little princess and I lost my dad. Not only was your heart broken. And mine. Our family was. Our house was. I tried to be H’s best mum in the world. Then I left for what I thought was freedom – to university at MMU. It was no freedom. I started binge drinking, continued self-harming and developed an eating disorder. I attempted suicide, and if it weren’t for H I would have given up long ago. You kept getting worse dad. After uni I packed my bags and left home. Then I came back out of guilt. You never taught me strength, courage and honesty and when I left home those were the things you accused me of not having. You called me a COWARD. You said I hadn’t had the courage to talk to you, or strength to fight for my beliefs, or honesty to say how I felt. Instead I ranaway. But I tried what I knew!!! How can you accuse me of something I didn’t have?! It’s not my fault!! And, it’s not your fault. But you need to grow up dad!!! Before everyone leaves! Quick dad! You will break! I can’t watch! Hurry! WAKE UP! Don’t keep sleeping! Don’t keep being blind!!! I came back and I left again! H wants to runaway!!! V- hates it and is waiting to leave. B left, G wants to leave now, Ba wants to die sooner. Mum won't cope. Dad – I hope, I hope, I hope, you find Love within. I hope you heal, I hope you are forever free. I love you. PLEASE dad...

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Please.. is there anything I can do to help heal my home??? thank you so much for reading. Thank you.
LTH

psychoslice · #2 30-12-2011, 01:41 AM

Let it all go and just fall into life, surrender, walk away, and realize non of this is you, that non of this is true, all this is nothing but drama, stirred up my the mind, don't let it all become your story, in fact drop the story, and be still, there you will find peace, there you will find your true SELF, all the best.

learning to heal · #3 30-12-2011, 01:45 AM

Thank you psychoslice for your post. I really appreciate it. I guess it's just my heart breaks when I hear them hurting, and especially my little brother... only 12 years old. I may be able to find peace because I am away, but they are still there... and I can't seem to do anything =( and it just makes me cry so much. I want to be superwoman and save them all!
I am scared of surrendering in case it's too late. In case nothing can be fixed =(

#4 30-12-2011, 01:49 AM

I feel the need to offer you daisies, though I don't know why.

Re-reading your post, you hold a lot in your father. You cannot control him. Let him go. He does not define you.

learning to heal · #5 30-12-2011, 01:59 AM

nalan, thank you!

daisies? wow.. what first came to mind to be was the word Beauty - like reminding me of The Beauty. - of all beautiful things in my life...
and 2nd.... my new years resolution = to Flourish....

and google says: A daisy, in general, symbolizes childhood innocence and gentleness.

So something about reminded me I did the best I could for my past... ?

How can I let go of the man who is making everyone in my family so unhappy =( though... I mean I rang home and all I heard was screaming, people shouting. Absolute chaos.. and I am in another country and I just sat crying for ages. it affects me so much, I love them all so much. How do I let him go??

Silver · #6 30-12-2011, 02:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by learning to heal

nalan, thank you!

daisies? wow.. what first came to mind to be was the word Beauty - like reminding me of The Beauty. - of all beautiful things in my life...
and 2nd.... my new years resolution = to Flourish....

.....
How can I let go of the man who is making everyone in my family so unhappy =( though... I mean I rang home and all I heard was screaming, people shouting. Absolute chaos.. and I am in another country and I just sat crying for ages. it affects me so much, I love them all so much. How do I let him go??

You let go because you love them and flourish for yourself.

Just maybe, subconsciously, they are all in turmoil, which may be a constant state, because they look to you and they are clinging to the idea of you saving them. That may sound weird, but it's the thought that crossed my mind just now about your situation. It's a healthy sort of detachment that I think you need to do, to allow them to develop themselves, to get strong on their own for themselves.

#7 30-12-2011, 02:30 AM

Learning to Heal,

IF you let go, then it is your choice. Re-embrace your power in yourself if you do so.

I speak from experience. My mother was/is an alcoholic who has physically attacked my father on more occasions that I care to know about, and who assaulted me in my own home. I called 911 because I could not fend her off, and I did not want to hurt her...yet she couldn't go on being so destructive.

When the district attorney talked to me, I was truthful in that my mother was/is an alcoholic and needs help, and no, I was not dropping the charges. Charges against my mother!

Not that that decision was necessarily in my hands due to my state's law, but the point still remains.

It's been a long, hard, rough road between my mother and me. But it's been worth it. I took care of myself and my family (husband and son), as they are my priority. Now my mother and I are working on restoration.

Taking care of yourself when it goes against someone you love is very difficult, but you are not alone. It's not worth committing suicide over, for your next life will face the same challenges.

Talk to me, I'll help where ever I can.

A peaceful mind. · #8 30-12-2011, 09:08 AM

In an meditative state let go, set you self free and ask for healing.

Find peace again and rebuild.

you are a wonderful person

I wish you the weary best.

Yours

A Peaceful Mind

#9 30-12-2011, 07:37 PM

Please.. is there anything I can do to help heal my home??? thank you so much for reading. Thank you.
LTH

Use all of this!

Your strength is in GROWING THROUGH this dark stream of seemingly endless pain.

Your LOVE is amplified as your weakness dissolves into an Infinite Stream no words can clearly define.

The answer you seek is not within another ..... it is inside YOU Now~!

Two works which help aid in the transition of this time:

"The Shadow Effect...." and "Man and His Symbols" .....

then a choice must be made.....

It will emerge from your own Heart........when you are ready.

Simply seek it with everything you have, no matter where you are you take both the problem and solution with you.

A third work will help:

"The Secret Of Letting Go"

and a forth will forge the three into a forth greater thing:

"Teach Only Love"

a fifth will be revealed if you get through the four.

Will you give this to ..... You?