How would you have reacted?

I am married but my relationship has not been easy.

I have thought about why I began to, how my husband would put it, withdraw from him, and then sort of come back to then withdraw again.

When I look back I realized early that if I was to say something he would be on the defense.

He would also make me doubt my experience and call me too sensitive or so sensitive. Considering that I am highly sensitive it seems like that was always a card he could use to minimize me, my words. Not to validate my experience, that I had an actual right to have felt what I felt.

Then again I was not someone who would have strong reactions on every little thing, he would say he thought I was easy to live with. That has never felt as relaxed with anyone.

I would be interested to know how you guys would think you would have reacted if this happened to you (so this happened to me, years back), and he did not understand me one bit:

Throughout from when I showed up one time at his work on a special occasion he seemed to ignore me. He did not greet me like the others in his company greeted their family, friends, loved ones.

I had at the start been invited to my husband's work, special day that day. I had not asked to be. Lots of people there. He was talking to everyone, people listening.

During when he would speak to everyone I could tell his cheeks would get a little red but I don't think anyone else noticed. I would try to smile encouraging, but not take space, and not ask questions. He would not look at me. He would not give away any kind of sign throughout the entire event that he even knew me.

Lots of questions were asked by others and he was one of those who answered. He was serious, correct, knew how to answer any questions, but could spark up in a smile or quick laugh as well.

Then as we followed a particular schedule for the day, it was time for a lunch break, dinner break.

I notice that everyone, or should I say almost everyone in his team, would then greet, go to their loved ones.

I stood there waiting for him, I could see him, but he ignored me. He was talking to a female colleague. Soon it was just me left there. I still stood there, waiting, waiting. I figured I had made my move. Now it was time for him to make his. To come over. I could not understand why he just could not come over. So we could eat. I did not know the other people there. I had assumed we would at least eat together.

The female colleague looked at me and she had a sort of expression of her face as of that of victory, almost mean to me like she was better than I was, I was this nobody, did I not know that? As if he rather would continue to talk to her than go over to me. And apparently she was right. And then she continued to talk to him. Even after she had seen me just stand there and wait. I was the only one left there to wait. The others in his crew did not let their people wait. Only he did (Now when I come to think of it why did she not go over to her loved ones? Maybe she did not have any?). The way I read it was that she had the hots for him, to be honest. I had more difficulty reading him. All I could tell is that he had no interest to even look my way once.

I left to get food and to try to find a place to sit down and I think I was still in some sort of fog, so I had thought earlier about his red cheeks and that maybe he needed to drink something, eat something, so I took a portion and glas of something to drink as well to him. I placed everything down at a table.

He would not to my memory show up.

Then after this break everything then continued in a similar pattern as before.

Then afterwards he could tell something was wrong.

I only knew I had felt ignored and even humiliated standing there, waiting for him and why he had kept talking to his female colleague like that, and too other people had noticed, but nobody had said anything. He had made a complete fool out of me. Or I had let him? But I had not been prepared for this. I had not had my "shield" on. I had not known I had to have that.

When I told him I had felt ignored and humiliated that he had kept on talking to her, he right away took defense. He told me that he had not felt like eating and that he did not think I was a little girl who could not get food for myself. That he had been busy preparing for the next thing, but as far as my memory went he did not talk, but others did, after the break so what was he suppose to prepare, exactly?

He had no understanding whatsoever how I had felt. None.

I asked him too why he had invited me to come. Was it to humiliate me? I had not needed to come. I had come to show my support of him that day. Why did he ask for me to come even when it was so obvious he had no appreciation at all that I was actually there. I could just as well not have been there.

He then said he had seen me on my way in with the others and that he had felt pride that that was my girl, as he put it. But he had not greeted me like others did theirs. He had only seen me from a far. I had done my best throughout to be gracious. I had felt a bit lost but had decided to just follow the crowd and ask my way too forward.

This incident hurt me. And it hurt even more, he made me feel as if I was ridiculous, he was harsh to me when I dared to show myself vulnerable, when he took defense like that.

He would do this a lot, like his first reaction was always to be harsh, be on the defense. That don't exactly in my book wanted me to go to him, open up to him, about any insecurity I had.

I have today been remembering this incident and I don't know if it is because I know it was one of those things that made me withdraw from him, if that is why I keep seeing his female colleague look at me with that expression of hers, or if it maybe could be that something was, is going on between them or will be in the future and that is why I get it now? It is on replay.

I have no idea if they still work together or not. (I bet if I had asked him about that or would tell him he had to quit his job or something he would just have laughed in my face and called me ridiculous).

He would tell me at one point that he saw where all this was leading to (the way I talked) and that if someone would have been into him which he did not think that they would have been, but even so if someone had they knew he was taken for (married) and he wouldn't do anything because he had me. "They know you're my girl". Oh really.

I keep seeing her. That victory expression. Like she was happy I stood there, humiliated, not understanding what was happening, and she kept getting all his attention. Like she just continued to talk to him just for the hell or fun of it. He must have seen me standing there, everyone did. You could not have missed me. She saw me. Other people saw me standing there. It was all empty floor, before filled with people.

I remember when I had talked to him about this I would tell him that why could he not just have come over to me to tell me he did not feel like eating but still be with me on his break? (Why be with her without even letting me know?). All he said is that he had not meant for it to be that way but that he saw me as a grown woman who could take her own food and take care of herself.

I was so right. He had completely forgotten about me. Had he only asked because he had felt obliged too? Because the others asked theirs? What was going on?

Could he not see how his behavior was in the opposite of everyone else (that is except for hers)?

I would think too if he stayed on to continue to talk to her, almost in private (which too seemed out of the picture) to be supportive of her if he thought she was nervous or something, but the look she gave to me and all her security she send off did not indicate to me that she was someone who needed support, encouragement in any way. If he had thought that and was willing to jump over his dinner, and time with me, to even look me up (even if I was right there!), why then could he not see how I felt? Or I did not matter?

Afterwards he would apologize, but to be honest I don't think he got it.

And could just as easily have done that or something similar again.

When he had his next big thing and asked if I could come I said no, thank you. I have seen enough.
Turns out he was there that day without any family member or friends attending. Or wife. He never said anything about it. He had said before that if I did not come he was not going to ask anyone else. I said I did not care, and I did not. He could invite who ever he wanted. Hope how ever he would have treated them better than he did me.

Anyways yesterday and today I keep seeing her face, her victory, expression of hers and his too looking down or at her, not at me. I just felt like everything became so slow and I couldn't move. I was waiting for him. But he never came. (I'm sorry if I sound like an over sensitive person.). He must have known I stood there. He just didn't care. She would not let him go either, just kept on poking on his attention and talking to him almost in an intimate way. Like she wanted to send me a message and was then happy I received it.

To my knowing I had never even met her before.

One time after this I unfortunately had to show up as his work but did not come far. He came half running down some corridor with a smile on his face. I got the keys I needed and left as soon as I could. Can't say I saw her. Like always, how he had asked to have it before around other people, I showed him no physical tenderness what so ever. We could just as easily have just been co parenting people, divorced long time ago.

When he would visit before my work I would introduce him and be sure he did not feel left out. I would do that, that is, before he was to have his "rendezvous" with his female colleague right in front of me.

When I would afterwards change work place, he would find a reason to suddenly call me on the phone to tell me he was outside, and I could tell later he wanted to be introduced and shown around. I didn't. He came half way in, when I told him I needed to work and he got the message and left.

I don't understand why he thought he had so many rights, and was always treated right by me, while he thought I had none, what so ever.

Before in the past, before his precious moment with his colleague, at one work I had he just showed up with a bouquet of flowers and yet another time had flowers send to me. So he went from treating me like that to the nobody waiting for him in vain to then be told that I should stop acting like a little girl and could get my own food. So double hurt then.

The more, if I had talked to him (to the length that I have written all this above) I would just come off as more and more overly sensitive and more and more like a little girl, that he accused me of having been like.

[FairyCrystal]

I didn't read the second half, a bit too much to read.
But the first half... I can say I have been in the exact situation, feeling the exact same way, and more than once too.
My then partner also had a thing with a female colleague, one much younger and she looked a bit like the ex he couldn't get over. She clung to him wherever we went as if she was his partner and not me, making me feel like the 5th wheel.
He usually ignored me at work things, once even told me straight to my face that I shouldn't even be there. It was ridiculous partners were invited as Christmas party at work was about f*(king the secretary on one of the desks at the office.
He said that almost verbatim with colleagues standing around. I was totally overwhelmed, hurt, rejected.
On a work outing with paintball and dinner, that female colleague sat next to him during dinner, he sat much closer to her than to me, talked to her all the time, totally ignoring me. I believe he even fed her or close to. All his other colleagues there saw that, and I felt totally put on the spot. Nothing I could do in that moment as narcissist know exactly how to put you down while making themselves look wonderful. That's why being with them is so damaging.
During paintball they were having fun together in the hall, I was totally on my own. With a normal man I'd expect him to be somewhere in my vicinity, having fun together, not being glued to another woman.
I'm almost certain they had a sex relationship, or more. Often I couldn't reach him on his 1 hour lunchbreaks and she lived close-by work.


I could go on, not going to.
All I will say is... my ex was a narcissist. One of the worst kind.
And from what I read here, and have thought before when reading your posts to be honest, it sounds very much like your partner is one too.
Read up on the subject, the signs etc.
No normal and emotionally healthy man who loved his wife would treat her this way.
It's unnatural, abnormal, unhealthy behaviour and very damaging to the one on the receiving end.

[FairyCrystal]

Oh as for what you can do: get out! A relationship that doesn't nourish you is a toxic relationship. The best you can do is to end it and get out.

[astralsuzy]

Hi asearcher, it seems your husband wants to be the most popular person at the party and likes to socialize with everyone and ignore you. You have talked to him about it but you get no where. He refuses to see that he is at fault. He sounds like my sister in law and brother. They do terrible things and they cannot see that they have done anything wrong. It is always someone elses fault. With people like that you cannot reason with them. You try and try but it goes no where so in the end it is a waste of time. You feel sad, angry, rejected, frustrated and it would be worse for you as you are living with it all the time. There would be no point in going to work functions to feel humiliated. Why put yourself through that.

Thank you both so much for sharing your views on the matter. I take it you two would have read off the situation as bad and not by any means OK then ;). I have always wondered how others would react as this was not exactly something I would spread. Thank you again for all your support. You get me!

God, how horrible your ex was, FairyCrystal, and for you to survive and conker that, how strong you must have been.

These days I think everyone gets what they deserve in the end, even if people with narc think they will escape it (as nothing is ever their fault). People will figure it out in time their true colors. It will take some longer, that is all.

Yes, I have suspected in the past because my parent in law was/is a narc that he could have been too, but what does not resonate with that is that he does have empathy, but with that said it is a different kind. At first I did not know we could have different kinds.

However, the way he would always react to example critic was just like you wrote a very narc-style of a response to it. That used to make me wonder where did his empathy go then? Because I sure as hell could not sense it then.

At first I thought he was too sure of himself, to then learn that no he had to be the opposite, very unsure, in order to have such strong reactions to when "little I" said something I did not think he was doing right (to me).

He would use the very same tactics his narc parent would use on its partner or us in fights only he was not so good at it.

Even if he was poor at it compared, me having been subjected to that, I began to think myself that I was too sensitive, so gaslighting, there you have it. Usually I could see through him and after his narc-style/fight-style it was followed by what I would see as anxiety, anguish. He would always be more upset than I was and here I thought I was upset, or was the one legitimate to be upset.

I know everyone fights but I was not used to this sort of fighting and how long it had to take before anything was resolved and back to normal.

But looking how his parents has it, I would try to remind myself that I don't think he had been taught to resolve things.

As soon as he could he would put the lid on. But it was not resolved yet. Still - that lid had to be on. And have things perfect again.

I realize I was becoming like a true member of his family because after he had dished me off with that was I not a woman who could take her own food, that I had had enough of trying to talk to him as his wife.

I have an entirely different shield, style to me would I come from the perspective of a friend or a co parent, when I am ready for it. But I still am, and I think everyone should be, vulnerable in a way, when it comes to our romantic life. But he did not exactly talk to me like that, when I was vulnerable and open.

In one way I would describe him as insensitive and in another sensitive, but it was the sensitive side of him that I had fallen in love with but to be frank that sensitive side has given me a lot of trouble, as I don't think he had himself sorted out.

But they would also say I was more emotionally grown, wise for my age, when we met, that I gave that sort of impression, I've always heard that, and so I guess I thought he was just normal the age he was in. So in one way he seemed mature. But in another, I learned, he was not. It was as if he was clueless. Like he simply did not know how to act in some situations while in others he was very relaxed and sure, but all the while as I would read him off I could then tell he did not mean anything bad by it, so i let it slide or I would try to sort of help him out in a secret way, so he would not know I was helping him.

I would notice that if someone else gave him critic he would just laugh it off and it would not matter.

But if I said something…that was something else. Entirely. Then he would give me more insults than I had him and one time when he was finished insulting me he continued to insult my parent. Who was dead, on top of that, at the time.

I could tell when he would sort of trespass that fight-stone where it was no use, that we could not talk, scream, resolve anything. That was one of those times. He would get too upset. After that the anxiety, anguish and him being full of regrets and afraid I would leave him. It would be that cycle.

He is right now in the process to learn more about autism on the spectrum (high functioning).

It has been difficult for me to tell where one thing begin and the other one ends. It has me confused.

I know that he has social anxiety and that according to himself make him act different at events. That plus high functioning autism, not understanding social codes, especially difficult in romantic relationship.

But then again I am still contemplating if it is narcissism involved too, in some way.

I don't know why I keep getting that image of her on replay still, if it means I should go to his work or what. Or if that moment was one of the actual important steps to make our relationship destructive and me feeling alone with him (and humiliated).

Thank you again for your strong reactions, make me think I was not so sensitive after all like he tried to talk me into I was. I know what I saw.

I am thinking if I should bring it up with him again even if it has been years now when it happened.

He has complained before that I would withdraw and he would feel he was loosing me to only have me a moment to then have that feeling again and as if he did not understand why that was, and would tell me he would never leave me and that he still would be here when I would come around. But with that said he would still maintain that we did not have any problems, we were the lucky ones, we were going to live together til we grow old.

Even so he was the one to take steps back in our relationship by allowing his parent to triangulate/shut me out from family gatherings, vacations (this before we got on the wrong foot).

He was the one to let me know what I was worth to him at that function at his job.

He was the one who told me to not touch him in any way in company of his family and friends and by him shutting me off and even talking to me like that, signaled to me that I was not worth much. And too to them, his family and friends. He had no empathy to understand that he should have been the one to look after me, to just check how I was doing. he was suppose to be right at home with his family and friends.

I would see it again and again and again. That as soon as we left home and came to some function or family gathering etc that it was like a different man entirely than the one I had home.

He would be disconnected from me and not act like you take for granted that a husband acts like in company of his wife. He had none of that. He was more like a boy and he would be everywhere and nowhere. Except for when we hit the nightclubs as he then was acting very nervous to let me go or out of sight and could also happen that he would refuse to let me enter some nightclubs at all. Then he felt responsible. Then he was all about sort of promoting he was my man. But at his work function? Or with his family and friends? What was I then?

He would later say he hated such functions and just wanted us alone at home again.

then again he signaled to everyone that I was not important to him, and people did not at times even know we were suppose to be a couple, a family. Because of the way he acted, I had shut off that entire romantic-me as I knew I would risk getting hurt if I did not have my shield back on, it was better that way.

I sort of learned that at home or just the two of us or us with our family, vacations etc, just us, then he was the man I had fallen in love with, but at social gatherings he was someone else, and that would hurt me.

I know when I first noted he had red cheeks - as he was talking to the crowd, answering questions and so on, that I felt that he was very shy, that I did not think I had seen him that shy. I guess it is because when my cheeks would go read when I would be growing up it was because I was shy. And that was the first time I had seen his cheeks like that, but then again he handled himself with grace to everyone.

Before when we met (this before we were a couple, just started out seeing each other, very early) I would notice in nightclubs, even before that, that women would give him signals. It was either as if he saw them but chose not to act on them. Or that he actually did not see them. I would just sort of watch him from a far. It would go as far as women finally taking their arms or putting their hands on him, to get some sort of response.

I think the moment his female colleague looked up at me, and I knew that look and what that meant, I then focused on him. I really wanted to know if he was interested in her in return, or just so focused on something else, to not see it the way I saw it. I had difficulty reading him off, but by then I did not know if it was because of my own feelings getting in the way. It was as if my thoughts could not keep up with my feelings.

Before if and when other women would make moves to him (then not knowing we were seeing each other or were a couple or married) it would not bother me because I knew they took a chance and found him attractive, and so did I. They did not know. This female colleague knew, must have known who I was. Still she had that look to her. Who does that? I would not do that to another woman, knowing too this is a man who is taken for. Like she took pleasure out of my humiliation. She was just a stranger to me. I hope karma gets her because that is no way to act. I had not done her anything. How could she take pleasure out of my humiliation like that. I don't get people like that. But my very most hurt feelings were, are of course directed at him. I had expected way more out of him, even if I knew he was boyish? at such things, this took the price.

Anyways, when it would happen and these other women did not know I was not angry or jealous, because I thought what was most important was to see how he responded, as he was the one in a relationship with me.

[FairyCrystal]

Narcissist can sure as heck show empathy! That's exactly what can trip you up.
And even though I've done a lot of research and reading on the personality disorder, I have never been able to get my head around that one.
At times he was the most wonderful person, understanding, caring, loving, and very often sensing what I needed etc. etc.
But I think exactly that ability makes them even more dangerous and damaging to deal with as when they know that they can also use it against you.

When I was leaving him and about to move house my new home had to be done up first. You know, walls painted, floors laid, curtain tracks hung up, etc. etc.
He helped me. Even said it was so odd as it felt like we were prepping a house -our house- to move into together. And it did feel like that.
The things he did to help... Even after I'd moved in here he came back a few times to finish it off.
It was a year or 2 later that I found out that AT THE SAME time he was already with my successor and working both at my place to do it up AND hers as she too just had moved house! I'm quite certain he told her the same thing, that it felt like they were moving in there together, as that's what they're like: glib, slippery, sneaky, manipulative, and knowing exactly how to play people.

And like I said, many many times throughout the years he showed great empathy, love, kindness, care, and a clear sense of knowing me to the point I have not come across with anyone else as of yet.
Mindboggling.
I gave up trying to understand how the narcissist's brain works as I decided you basically need to have a screw loose yourself to get it. Or you get a screw loose due to spending too much time on trying to figure it out, so I let it go.
But even now, 10 yrs after leaving him, I do not get it. Mindboggling, hihi.

And I've seen you play down, smooth over, excuse, trivialize (take your pick, English is my 2nd language so I didn't know which one would be the best, haha) his behaviour many times before.
That's typical of a narc partner (= read 'victim').
I've done it, all the ones that I spoke to that have been with a narc did it.

Might be helpful to get a book on the subject so it can help you to learn how to best navigate a relationship with a narcissist.
These books exist.
From personal experience, and what I've seen & heard from others, it will always cost tons of energy. It won't heal, it's a disorder that cannot be treated nor healed.
I'm glad I got out.
No more conflict, no more manipulation, no more humiliation, no more ruining of my sense of Self and my femininity.
No more guilt trips, no more telling me I'm too sensitive etc. (exactly what you said too, my ex did the same thing).
Also when I was upset and didn't cry, he told me I was faking it or it wasn't so bad as I didn't cry. If I DID cry he told me I was faking it too though... NO way you can win from a narcissist. Well, there is, but it'll be different with every narc.
And then there was the abuse, physical, sexual, financial, emotional, verbal, mental, etc etc.

The effects of what I sustained came up in my next relationship, I got triggered without any reason time and again. So many old programs that were installed by being in relationship with a narc for 10 yrs!
I'm hopeful that I got it out of my system now, but not sure. I've asked people that had all been with a narcissist if they ever got over it.
The answer was, you can, but it takes a long long time and a new partner with a lot of patience & understanding.

Wishing you a lot of luck. I'm glad I'm not in those shoes anymore but I can still recall what it was like.

[Traveler]

Just to be clear, we're talking about your current husband, correct?

Well in hindsight, his neurodivergence was in play here and probably anxiety. I think he felt self-conscious with you at his place of work and being put on 'display' as it were in front of his coworkers. Aspies don't understand the concept of social manners, either. They have to be told what to do and even what to say in these situation. We used to send our kids to 'charm school' when they were little to learn manners for social occasions. It's too bad that kinda fell by the wayside. And if he didn't learn these social manners as a child, then he's not going to know how to act as an adult.

I'm curious why you didn't go up to him and greet him and introduce yourself to the group? And why when there was a break for dinner didn't you go to him, give him a kiss, a hug or squeeze his arm and say "lets go get something to eat".


He treated you awkwardly because it honestly didn't occur to him to introduce you and make sure you felt comfortable or he felt anxious having you there and it threw him off balance.

[Izz]

Hello asearcher

Here's my take on it

I was just thinking today of inner child healing, and how numerous people still need to heal their inner child wounds so that they won't carry that baggage (subconsciously, often not realized) into their relationships

When I read this, I can't help feeling saddened recalling how some golden children could not do it earlier - on breaking out of the dysfunctional family patterns of behavior they adapted to. Not to be presumptuous, but this is in conjunction with what we've talked about your luv before, in other threads

The only way forward I see for him is to not recreate the patterns passed down to him by the dysfunctional parent - to realize this and be open to the inner work. He needs to learn not to be dismissive. He needs to learn not to minimize your concerns as "overly sensitive." He needs to be willing to do the work. If he doesn't, it's on him - and I know you're navigating through a lot, and it is up to you to weight if it's worth it or not ultimately. You are his partner and he needs to respect that, you are not his "fixer"

You said in another thread that he is trying his best and improving on certain things - at the same time, you need to preserve yourself and stand your ground in knowing what's acceptable and what's not to you

Originally Posted by asearcher

- So he was the one to take steps back in our relationship by allowing his parent to triangulate/shut me out from family gatherings, vacations (this before we got on the wrong foot)

I would see it again and again and again. That as soon as we left home and came to some function or family gathering etc that it was like a different man entirely than the one I had home.

Even with some changes he made - if you still feel him dragging you into a web of triangulation, that is not acceptable and you need to put your foot down further into this

Hi & Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply here and share your experiences and thoughts. I really do appreciate it.

I think you are very strong, FairyCrystal to have gone through what you have and the conclusions you made from it, to share. It is so freaken unbelievably sick what narcs do to their partners and how you survived 10 years of that I don't know. So you recognize the whole you-are-so-sensitive-excuse to minimize, as well. Some of the things you wrote about I can see in full color with someone, it really "shines through" there. I am trying to learn more about narcissism.

Yes, Traveler, I understand your confusion as I have written one minute about one ex and the other about my husband, so just to clarify it: Yes this time it is about my current husband, hi hi. Sorry if I had you guys confused, my fault. Thank you too for jumping in because to be frank I am lost if this is autistic trait or what this is. I will try to explain from how I understood his words further below, but I don't know if this is autistic or what it is? You don't have to answer of course, you've already helped a great deal.

I did not go over to him as I thought I had already made my move. I was there that day. I had come to my spot, I had done my move (as if in a chess game). It was time for him to do his. I had shown him my interest. Now it was time for him to show his, if he had any. That was how I saw it.

I see it too as if I have invited him over to my world, then I take care of him, then I take the initiative. But if he invites me to his world he is suppose to take care of me, and take initiative in doing so.

I did not at first want to disturb them as I figured knowing how he is, he has to have everything under wraps, the hoover-him, and how focused he can be, these are his areas, then he won't hear, he has shut off other things and people then. At first I waited for him to finish up. But then more and more it got obvious she was just enjoying herself with him. He should not have allowed that to happen. He should have, in my book, shown a sign that he knew I was there and that he cared that I was.

I don't know what foot to stand on. Is he a narc or autistic, or both? Can an autistic even be a narc or is being misunderstood for being one? Vice versa. Those kinds of thoughts. Then again when he does love and does show, he is miles away from his narc parent, and it is as if I can feel his heart then, and our connection. I think right now as he is improving I am too getting a little scared as my feelings, the romantic type, is now growing for him and to dare or to not dare to take that leap. like I struggle with myself. It is more safe too in my own bubble, where I have skin and shield and can cope with him as a friend or co parent role. So even if this is what I truly wanted him to change on some things, there is this part of me that is afraid now that he has, perhaps if I dare to trust it, then I know I am no picnic either, not perfect myself.

Thank you also so Izz, yes I agree with you and he has improved a great deal from before.

There has been a lack of communication between me and my luv/husband, which I can see more now than before having been one of our major obstacles.

I have wanted him to give me his love on his terms, not because I have demanded it, but because I wanted him to give it out of his free will. Therefor I have not requested, said openly that these are my demands to feel happy in a romantic relationship. Because I used to think too that some things you should not have to say. I have not believed that I can change anyone.

Our backgrounds are very different. By my book he has lived isolated while growing up.

His family is from my view divided. There is a clear division between the adults and the children that I have not been familiar with prior being introduced to his family. I can't get into how. But groups. He is starting to communicate to me how he thinks of groups.

I have in careful words talked to him about that incident. He remembered but asked me why now, why bring it up now, when it has been years when this happened. That is it more coming in?

He says he just wanted it over and done with, like always. That to him - I and the rest of the crowd of family and friends. We were suppose to stay "over there". He did not think that after the questioning that he was suppose to interact with us.

He thought he was suppose to stay on his team/group, and that came first and because she was there (and not letting him go) that he did the right thing to then stay there, linger on.

The fact that everyone else left the way I saw them do... They were the ones to greet, go over to the family and friends and others was not indicating to him that he should do the same.



Then he only thought of terms of food. That the other ones (co workers) were hungry. That that was why they went to eat. He did not still see it as if their group were now mixed in with "our" group.

If I get this right: The food is now one thing. And "Us" (me and the rest of the family and friends etc of people I had no connection with what so ever) were 1 group. And he and his co workers were 1 group. And the food was somehow by itself.

That his co workers were going over to greet and take food and sit down with their family and friends etc passed him by. We are talking about a crowd that is like really large here. But now still he is only thinking, he is holding on, of terms of co-worker & food. One group. The other Family/friends/Me & food - another group.

It is as if he did not understand that he and I were suppose to be one group, just him and I.

I get scared myself even as I am writing this as I know he is no maroon. He is someone really intelligent, lovely. I don't know anyone who would dislike him, to be fair. He has an energy that is just lovely and nice and people want to come in closer.

He did not see it as if his female colleague were making a move on him. He still won't believe that. He still says he does not know what I am talking about. And besides, that he would never do anything. And in front of me even? Never. (his words).

And he has said too even if someone would "so what? they know I'm taken for". That there is a line and he knows that line and he won't cross it. That what else do I have to complain about? He said he got hurt, angry, confused, afraid when I talked this way.

He also said that I know that he does not feel like eating when he is nervous and wrapped up in something and too because he saw how many people were getting food that he did not think it was a wise idea to get over to get something to eat, that it was better then if I and My group and his co-workers-group - all of us got our food first. That he did not think even if he was not hungry that he would be able to get his food on time before the next thing in the schedule was to start.

He too thought the guests (us, not in his group) should be the ones to take first (but the way it was was that couples, family etc mixed in took together, but somehow he failed to see that the groups had now changed and coming together, that it was not only "guests first". (me first). He then thought it would be ridiculous if he got in there and got food for me as if I had been a little girl.

He thought that I would be fine "out there" as he has always thought I have been. Somehow he has never given me a thought in these scenarios. I have always been on my own. I had to be. I could not count on him. I would not know if he was glued to a wall hyperventilating on the inside but showing nothing on the outside, Mr Cool, or hiding in the kitchen with his whole head in the dish washer or what.

Too he has always claimed that as he rushes me by that he has "checked" in on me. I have not been aware he has checked in on me. I would assume checking in on someone means the other person at least knows this. I have not know this. Like when? When he has "checked in" he has claimed that I always seem busy enjoying myself, talking, laughing with someone, and he then do not want to "disturb".

He has thought that he has been the only one of the two of us who has thought functions etc like these are difficult. He has only thought of himself. He has never thought is this making my wife nervous or how is she doing? He has admitted that yes he has only thought of himself in these situations. That I always seem fine. He says that I always am just myself and just calm and and there is always people around me.

To me it is a scary thought that all of a sudden he can actually just forget about me. I don't even know how to relate to that. What if I need help? I don't know what to say.

He has said thought that the only time he has seen me tense is with his narc parent around, all the other times he says he has thought I was doing just fine. That did he not ask and try to solve everything when he saw I was tense? (yes he did).

I asked him Do you want to be in my group? and I told him the way I see it is that he and I are always one group. And when he ignores me he signals to me that I am air and that he does not love me and don't care for me there. That he is insulting me and our relationship. That I could be somewhere else and not be humiliated. That other people too see it as if I am of no importance at all to him, but that he is to me. That I am tired of acting as if we are no importance to each other. That I want us as one group where ever we go, what ever we do. That is what I want. What does he want? If he wants us as one group then he has to show that. That I want him to show me, to chose me, to chose us, by his own free will. Not because I want him to. I want him to want to.

That like before when I have said things to him that he has thought about it to then later tell me he thinks I am right (but I have not known if he truly think I am right) and then he has tried to do that.

He has also told me that yes he knows that he has been on the defense, that it is an instinct that he has to defend himself against me because when I do say something, when he knows something is up and he does not think he has done anything wrong, or knows what is going on, that that is how he defend himself. That he does not mean anything by it, except for in the moment yes.

When I have thought of his explanation I have become dizzy too. And in me thinking why is it that I am right, and not him? Why can't his way too be right? It is only different? He saw it from a different perspective. But then I go back to what i want is right, what works for me. His group-thinking is not how I want it to be.

I don't know what to think. I don't know if that explanation is typical autistic or what to chop people up in groups like that?

[Traveler]

I honestly don't see narcissistic traits but I do see a lot of social awkwardness, anxiety and neurodivergence behavior. Model for him in public how he should act in social settings, just like you would a child. Because this social stuff does not make sense to them. You must explain it to them. And his anxiety was probably pretty high as he admitted he was nervous. Being anxious makes your brain shut down and make you forget to do stuff. Like go greet the wife or thank the wife in your acceptance speech when you win the Oscars (this has happened a few times over the years), whether you're autistic or not. Neurodivergent folks spend a lot of time in social settings 'masking' aka working hard playing a character that has all the social graces they lack. It's exhausting for them trying to juggle all that they are juggling along with the anxiety. They can't be themselves so they try to be the person that others expect them to be.

It might be helpful to read some books about being married to a high function autistic person. There's one on Amazon I just ran across: "When Your Man is on the Spectrum". I honestly did a quick look, so hopefully there will be others that might help you.

You know, it is perfectly ok to express your needs to him too: "Hon. When I go to your place of work for a function, I need you to come over to me and greet me. Because I'm feeling a little bit out of place and nervous and it really helps if you would come over to me to say hello, give me a little hug or peck on the cheek or a squeeze on the arm will help me feel less anxious." "And I need you to be my guide at these things. This is your place of work, and I am your guest, please be sure to remember that I need you to help me navigate to different rooms, etc. and when it is time to eat, please come and sit with me even if you're not hungry so I'll have a familiar face to talk to. I get anxious too when I'm alone in an unfamiliar place with no one I know to talk to." He's not a mind reader and being autistic would probably be really happy that you gave him specific and detailed steps for him to take.