Reflections on why choosing a partner subconsciously

I have been thinking about this from time to time and it would be interesting to hear others reflect on themselves and their loved lives so please if you like to share please do.

When I have been trying to analyze myself and my love life I have come to following conclusions

-My first love was apparently seen as bad boy, but at the time I myself did not label him as that or thought of him as that, I don't know what I thought of him as, a little crazy but not in a bad way, he did not try to fit in, what was the use, he did not care if people liked him or not, he was still just going to be him, but he was kind to people if, when they were kind to him, he could see through phony people and those he would just turn his back. He was always polite and kind when first meeting people, everyone. He was not someone who would start out the wrong way. I think I knew the feeling of what it was like to feel outcast, not fully belonging that I knew he had felt before and while too we were a couple. He would say he was very angry about his past (things that had happened) but with me he was not. Something happened too when the drinking escalated. I don't think he knew how to deal with that anger the right way and so he drank but even when drinking he was not vicious, one of the few I have to say that I would see very drunk and never mean to me or anyone, like he was in reality too good to even get to be mean when drunk? I would myself (even if I would have forgotten about that or thought I had moved forward in life) felt as if I was bad just because of my moms old bitter words that I think in reality was meant for my dad and not me when she herself was not in such a stable place from her within, going through a grim split from my dad. In a way it was as if I saw myself when looking at him.

-Another "love" came after quite some time after my breakup with the bad boy, and I remember I was not interested in this guy for a really long time but he was and got help by his or our friends to pursue me. Another mistake I was to make during this period in my life is because of my loyalty that I would hold on to friends just because we knew each other for so long, but we had been good for one another back then, but now during this period we had by then developed differently. I remember this "close" friend was hungry for attention, loving to be in the spotlight, and wanting many friends and was impressed by luxury and social status, which basically all of that was something that this "love" would provide her with, through me, almost as if I was a bargain. I think unsolved things was why she was during this period of her life looking for external happiness. These things did not bother me back then. He would make her into one of his confidants, I was to find out, and I think she either did not know he was playing her to get to me or she did know but did not care. He would find out things from her about me. When I would later during an unhappy period in the relationship dare to even speak a bad word about him looking for help, she would not stand by me, and I think I knew then in my heart our so called friendship was over even if she would try to rekindle it later on, later on when I was in a good place I would still remember and I could not get pass it. Because of this relationship I knew how to spot later on those little things, the signal of abuse in a relationship that others seem to be oblivious too and can even go against it when they clearly don't know what they are talking about. Even if it is a good thing that the crowd can't recognize all the signs of abuse, to spot that in the victims, meaning they themselves have not been through it, it is truly a bad thing for the victims, something that isolate them even more. I was being abused and I had a so called best friend who did not believe it and knew herself to know everything even when she didn't. Humbleness wasn't exactly in the picture.

In retrospect I think it was important that it happened because I think I had to see her for who she had become and not preserve a friendship just because we knew each other for so long. When I removed myself from her in time I would get friends that suited me a whole much more. But I think it is important to drop something, even if it may sound harsh, or else something new and more suitable can't enter because the other one is still taking up that space and holding you close that way. I remember I felt already as if I was moving in the wrong crowd when we got to one of those fancy places, owned by his family as it was, and the crowd, and her were impressed, but in their own way also using him, and he was well aware of the name of the game, only I was not. I remember I was not impressed and could not understand why he would not start to bring his focus on some other woman than me, who was and would be. There was this moment when I told myself to at least give him a chance, before ruling him out. I got the impression by him before that he was "too much of something" but I could not say what exactly. There was no sensitivity in his face, none. I had this really strong impression I did not like him but felt quilt tripped later on why I felt that and could not explain why, especially when everyone around me did. I think I began to question my own instincts which was not the way to go. He would from the time we first met in a crowd of others to when I finally said yes to going out with him had time and the will to then try to figure out who I was and how he would present himself. It was not the real him I fell in love with. I know lots of us all try to present ourselves a certain way in the beginning, we try our best, and then let go of that later on, but he was so very different from his presentation to who he really was, I was to learn. I did not fall in love with him, I fell in love with the image he had created. I then had to grieve that image once when figuring it all out. I have later learned this is not unusual for narcissists to create something like that, but he was on the psychopath scale my psychiatrist that I had to see during, after the break up, believed. He was someone who wanted to run things, decide, and had this silent superior style to him, really not my type. So things got really wrong there.

-Another love my current I remember seeing him first though oh ok he is not sensitive, his face, but then I saw something as if coming from within and this was a beautiful sensitivity. I remember I first because I saw him as not sensitive was like watch out (because I remembered then my ex, the psychopath who had no, none, sensitivity, hardly any movement with his facial expressions) as I did not want to hook up with someone like that. When I spotted his sensitivity I think that was like me seeing myself in him, knowing I am very sensitive myself. This combination of coming across first as not sensitive to then having this sensitivity is something mentioned with individuals on the autism spectrum (which we much later came to realize he was, level 1).

I have as of later realized that my own mom had no sensitivity visible to her face as well while my dad like me was highly sensitive but she would say he would try to hide how sensitive she really thought he was (as if that would not have been manly enough or what? I never got that part). I think I got my sensitivity from him.

My mom was someone who wanted order, but sadly too to dominate (when she was in reality afraid) and even if I like order, I don't like too much of it and I don't want to be dominated or to dominate, but it is almost as if there is this cut in me, one the rebel who's breaking out, like I did with my mom, and the other taking too much consideration, who's boundaries are not where they ought to be placed (before I rebelled). That I still had trouble with those boundaries.

I am guessing that all these loves were "home" to me, and the plus was as if I was battling this war I was not aware I was in which was really something between my mom and I, old dusty stuff, and should not have been something between myself and a love of mine.

[Miss Hepburn]

I think I've said this before on one of your threads ...an amazing book that explains SO much why we are with or unconsciously choose our partners is
"Getting The Love You Want" Harville Hendricks...I rem even Opra had him on she was so impressed with his insight.
I think I only had to read 3 chapters to learn so much! Ha, That was 2001!

[lostsoul13]

I think it was easier for me: out popped my twin flame —- things were easy because we both understood what it was, it was a bit premature but we didn’t run but life did run; in the form of housing, money, society, reincarnation, children and families—-

We spent what little time we had together until she
reincarnated.. went to sleep to suspended animation… I’m about to reincarnate: so our life’s wouldn’t meet again yet after the blindness and deafness, and only words know what else—-

Such a tough reincarnation there is to have against me and my clan..

So painful and bitter :

But at least I know my twin flame is there as the body dies and the spirit lives on u til death comes to my spirit I know we have the same graves and with my children of intent and purpose—-

Our deaths are the same door like our bed before life was the same bed..

I remember that while we are in entanglement in this journey…
Karma is like living in hell and back again; there’s only a few times I’m happy and that’s when eating in kaspas waffle bar!!! Waffles with banana and chocolate and ice cream and cream: sitting alone drinking my cappuccino- knowing life is about dreams coming true and the pain is just unnecessary shopping… or it’s shop lifting you conning you out of peace… I get to know I’ve lived a life with Carly and sky…

My clan is complete and I even know of our friends that join our clan in the future.. can see them perfect all while eating my waffle !!!

Life gives us lessons like being split up, reincarnations against one another, alone in pain no whole and in union as a atom - one day we will join atoms and become one soul - that’s the goal between all of my clan…

It’s just in the future…

But so much bliss is in the future..

Now I have to reconcile that every avarta or image or human I’m in is a large about of money I’m spending to be in a game where pain is inevitable and increase over time and destruction…

A millionaire in a game of saw!

**Cry**

Just be as ruthless as pain is .. dang if I wasn’t so sensitive!!!

Our relationship can rule us- but the lessons must rule us to path a better way stronger way to enlightenment!!! Enlightened with my clan and flame and death!!

That it all seems it’s in vain..

For another’s propaganda… selfish but two can play that game I just won’t scream!!

Just humm

[Izz]

Based on our communications before, if I could give you just one advice, asearcher it would be this - Honor your radar. Always honor your radar no matter what anyone or anything else tells you

The radar we have could help someone out of a serious life situation someday

You have come a long way, you know the inner work you need (on subconscious level) and you can honor your gift

Hi there and happy you wrote here to me! Will get my hands on that book & follow my radar, hi hi :) thanks