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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Love & Relationships -Friends and Family

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  #31  
Old 08-06-2022, 02:19 AM
Traveler Traveler is offline
Ascender
Join Date: May 2021
Posts: 987
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by asearcher
If he does get like that I will do what you do, and just try to be in another room :)

Yeah, it's a lot easier. It takes me away from the negative energy. It doesn't happen often. Usually when he's paying the bills or doing taxes.
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  #32  
Old 14-06-2022, 08:11 AM
symmetricalsnowflake11 symmetricalsnowflake11 is offline
Pathfinder
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Down under
Posts: 83
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Traveler
I honestly don't see narcissistic traits but I do see a lot of social awkwardness, anxiety and neurodivergence behavior. Model for him in public how he should act in social settings, just like you would a child. Because this social stuff does not make sense to them. You must explain it to them. And his anxiety was probably pretty high as he admitted he was nervous. Being anxious makes your brain shut down and make you forget to do stuff. Like go greet the wife or thank the wife in your acceptance speech when you win the Oscars (this has happened a few times over the years), whether you're autistic or not. Neurodivergent folks spend a lot of time in social settings 'masking' aka working hard playing a character that has all the social graces they lack. It's exhausting for them trying to juggle all that they are juggling along with the anxiety. They can't be themselves so they try to be the person that others expect them to be.

It might be helpful to read some books about being married to a high function autistic person. There's one on Amazon I just ran across: "When Your Man is on the Spectrum". I honestly did a quick look, so hopefully there will be others that might help you.

You know, it is perfectly ok to express your needs to him too: "Hon. When I go to your place of work for a function, I need you to come over to me and greet me. Because I'm feeling a little bit out of place and nervous and it really helps if you would come over to me to say hello, give me a little hug or peck on the cheek or a squeeze on the arm will help me feel less anxious." "And I need you to be my guide at these things. This is your place of work, and I am your guest, please be sure to remember that I need you to help me navigate to different rooms, etc. and when it is time to eat, please come and sit with me even if you're not hungry so I'll have a familiar face to talk to. I get anxious too when I'm alone in an unfamiliar place with no one I know to talk to." He's not a mind reader and being autistic would probably be really happy that you gave him specific and detailed steps for him to take.

Agree with this comment, I don't necessarily see narc traits, but you are both on completely different pages on how to show affection and communicate with each other. If you can't understand each other at all you won't be able to solve problems and you'll end up in situations like you had at his work function.
However in saying that, he seems to be a bit disengaged with you in general, even though he can verbally seem like he isn't at times.
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  #33  
Old 14-06-2022, 08:11 PM
asearcher
Posts: n/a
 
yeah this was a real bummer to remember along the memory lane. he was always initially taking defense and then would go into despair saying he honestly had not thought he had done anything wrong, that he kept saying he had seen me, he had seen me come in the building and been so proud. But did he show that? No. Did he express that? No. Something I do regret though is that I never allowed him to make up for it. He asked for another chance, but because I felt he was still feeling he was either still right or that he was lost somehow on how to behave, and that I could not count on him the next time either, I didn't give it to him.

His parents never show that I have seen at least "in public" or around family any physical tenderness.


At home he was always someone who showed physical tenderness towards me in all sorts of ways. I remember coming home and he would lift me up in his arms, and I remember thinking he was dreamy and that I was so lucky to have finally found my Mr Right. I was so in love with him back then. I did not think we could go wrong. Already back then, something he has continued with, he was on the look out if he could do something for me (practical terms) and surprise me with, so he would do that. I remember one time I was sad about something (had nothing to do with him) and I came home and he was already there and put his hands over my eyes and lead me to the surprise he had made, it was so thoughtful.

I realized over time that he was not raised either to use so much words of affection except saying he loved me, but he would say when something was wrong so that was a lot of that I would hear, if I had a stain on my clothes or how I should have my hair, but compliments was not his cup of tea, while it has been the way I am wired.

But instead it would be all this practical stuff that he wanted to and did for me, without me even having to asked. And things he planned to do for me. And he would never stop doing them. And it was as if he never expected to even get a thank you. He made no fuss about the things he did. And it would confuse me when I had decided that I couldn't be that important to him and that he always found faults in me and never or very rarely said anything nice to me.

I've been getting inputs that living with someone on the autistic spectrum, level 1, that it would feel as if you were his/her nr 1 priority, intense interest, to then once married or pregnant or what ever that there would be no more of that and then off to other interests, that it would be this shift. I can't say I felt that shift or felt I was in competition with his other interests. One time he was wanting to do more and more of something, a passion of his, when I thought OK I should say something here and so I did and that was perhaps the one time that I can remember he did not take defense but instead asked me how much was OK with me and then I guess I had to come up with a number and I did, and turns out he then made far less of that activity than what I had asked, even if I knew he loved it. Then I had to tell him that you know it's OK you don't have to do so little of it, and he want no but I want to. I think that was his way of showing his love for me.

I think over all when he was in a stressful mode of his, having social anxiety, being touched was not at all how he saw it when he was more calm, but his reaction, projection, was detrimental, unexpected, and hurtful.

I got used to it and so I would then not bring stuff up with him but hope that it would pass, so no communication then, really bad for us. Or I could do it but to get ready and to have shield on as I knew he would get defensive and make things worse before it could potentially get better.

I guess it was just that defense- mechanism in him that was like this wall to me. I would think if it was in his own interest he should quit being on the defense but it came on as this instinct, impulsive.

I was more like if someone told me something they thought I was doing wrong that I would immediately go oh i'm sorry etc, I don't think I cared so much if I was right tor wrong but that I wanted the other person to know I was sorry for having hurt them. So that was always my response. I would take full blame for having hurt them, seeing their feelings, and I think that was what they needed because I could then see something happen to them, in a good way, and then they would start to talk and I would talk and it was resolved, and they would get my perception too.

I think too because of his autism or just because of how he was wired is that he was not a team player, so when he had decided something was wrong it was wrong and he did not invite me in to say what do you think? What will work for you? Do we agree on this or disagree? Can we compromise? He did not go there til it was too late and I honestly felt like he was not interested in my opinion, he had already made up his and that was that, so it was either for me to adapt or to be "difficult" then. One time I told him "but we are not 1, we are not you. We are 2". Like he just took for granted or thought he was going to do things his way.

I remember several times with his first family that they took for granted that they could decide what ever they wanted and then I would always be OK with that and look after any children. When I told him that I did not appreciate the attitude given we had shared custody and it was a disrespectful attitude towards me and my time to not ask me even if OK so and so, then and then, it was as if there was this genuine surprise that you could not do that. After I told him this one time his first defense response was that he would look like ... I forgot what but not something impressive ... and I said something like I don't care what you think you look like, this is not fair. We don't live in the freaking 1800 century or haven't you noticed? Why would you not ask? Why would not your family take my time and my life in consideration? Is it not me you guys are asking a favor off? No? Then you show respect. After that he would always ask and sometimes it was Ok and sometimes it was not. Always no matter what it was he would always ask. And times too when he himself said no without having asked me even. I could tell there was some frustration from someone from his first family thinking what, guys have all the freedom they want, can come and go as they please? just forget about what it means to be a dad or a husband? but I could not care less.


I think very much that he was taught not to talk about that he had social anxiety. I believe he did not think it was "manly", what ever manly now is suppose to be. He would just say things afterwards like "thank God that's over with" and then return to his old wonderful self. One time I asked him "Are you shy? Because I am shy too.". I was trying to make him talk about it.

He did not understand that he was suppose to take me in, care for me, take care of me. He would instead shut off, shut down, come across as uncaring.

I guess today I get that the incident at work was a situation he could barely cope with himself, less take care of me, but to then take defense as in trying to tell me I had no right to react like that just made things 10 times worse.

I one time told him over at his parents home when he was just by himself that I felt as if I had just come on my own from some place, that we had not even come together, as a couple. That he did not care if I was there or not. He would say stuff like no, hon, it ain't like that, I was just looking on the cellphone.

I always felt something was off but I did not know what it was. He would not freely communicate that with me. It was just the way it was and nothing to say about it. So closed off somehow.

Last edited by asearcher : 14-06-2022 at 09:41 PM.
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