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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Love & Relationships -Friends and Family

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Old 22-10-2021, 05:00 AM
asearcher asearcher is offline
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 1,310
Overly perfect children - and how to remove the demands?

What I wanted to ask if anyone out there knows how to make a child feel better about itself regardless of what it produces, what results it gets in let's say the grades etc? It gets too stressed out, screams, cry, regrets . Want to study again and again even if it knows all the answers.

Last edited by asearcher : 22-10-2021 at 11:07 PM.
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Old 22-10-2021, 10:40 PM
FallingLeaves FallingLeaves is offline
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 4,380
make sure the child knows you love it. As much as you find yourself able. And if it is ever at the point where you can say something it is listening to, try to plant the seed that things don't have to be the way it supposes they do. But bear in mind that seeds don't grow immediately, even when they find good soil...

I know it is hard to be patient, but sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is to wait.

as far as the screaming I know how annoying it is. But you should also know that by forcing the child to stop it is likely to take that as something else to 'achieve'... then it will bottle itself up only to explode in a fiery storm sometime much later. Unfortunately there are no good answers here...

in the end the child has to make the decision about this for itself. Which is why seed-planting is so important, if you say something when the child is listening it will give the child an alternative to thinking it has to to continue to achieve, whenever it gets to the point of thinking seriously about the situation it finds itself in.
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Old 22-10-2021, 11:51 PM
Traveler Traveler is offline
Join Date: May 2021
Posts: 649
Type A personalities tend to be hard on themselves. That was my daughter when she hit middle school and school suddenly was no longer a piece of cake. She didn't learn the skills of note-taking and studying in grade school because she didn't need to. She paid attention in class and aced all the quizzes and tests. I remember the over-studying in middle school she would demand we quiz her for days leading up to the test. She demanded we review everything, including hand-outs, notes, and quizzes over and over again. As she finally learned how to take notes and study, that quieted down. She was finally diagnosed with generalized anxiety and getting on medication helped. She also got more time to take tests. Recently at the age of 23, she has been diagnosed with adhd and high functioning autism. I wish I'd been able to get her diagnosed way before now but she's so dang smart she was able to compensate really well and school and the rest I just attributed to her being emotionally immature and shy. I wish pediatricians were better trained to pick up on adhd in girls and kids with high functioning autism. She has an executive processing disorder and difficulty with perceiving the passage of time aka time blindness. I feel for you. Has the child been evaluated for anxiety?
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Old 23-10-2021, 08:06 AM
asearcher asearcher is offline
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 1,310
Hi Falling Leaves and Traveler and thank you both so much for wanting to help me/us with this! =)

Traveler, a special warm thank you for sharing what your daughter and your family has gone through, I feel for your daughter too. No, this child has not been evaluated for anxiety, but thank you for the advice, I will see how I will go about this.

I feel I have always tried to make her feel loved for who she is, but I will continue to be patient but it is still feeling as if she can't find her right strategy for this. I agree swallowing her anger, fear, is not the right way to go about either. I'm going to try to still be patient, it is just that I see how this gets worse, but I will remain my calm.

Her dad has narcissism from his first family, and one of our issues was that his "normal" was "perfection", so the home had to be that way, appearance had to be that way and it got to a point where I would feel a kind of anxiety before he was to come home if I had missed something. The children would always be protected. But this child in particular is right up there with her dad and her "normal" is "perfection".

Too she worries about other people and taken on their responsibiilty "have you thought about this?...have you thought about that?". Both her dad and her is like that.

I'm afraid there has been some impact from his first family and her dad not reacting against the narcissist the way I did when I wanted to protect the children from this.

Her dad, in some fights with me, it would seem to me, even if he was angry, as it was anxiety behind it. He would start to feel out of control, that it got the best of him, and then leave (leave the car or leave the home). He would say stuff like he felt like hitting something (and then hit something, not me or anyone else) and then leave. As a child of narcissism he had developed a need for control.

He has gotten better.
I don't know if it is a vulnerability to anxiety, if it is in the genes, or in the family surrounding.

I can understand anxiety somewhat, as I think I felt a little of it, before when he was to come home, afraid I had missed something that he had required, a house chore, he had expected to be cleared out of the way. I couldn't live like that. I loved him, but told him he (and his narcissistic parent) were real good at making me feel never good enough, and well now I had enough. I think with these kinds of people it gets to spread, they might not be aware what is going on inside themselves even. To him - this was normal. This is where he came from. His parents would too fight a lot and right in front of them or grandkids and that was normal too, and he had copied that, while I tried to stop him as I did not think it was healthy for the kids (or me). He has said he is very sorry about that as he never wanted the kids to see that, and that he, without me saying so, has felt as if he has over reacted in fights with me, and how that has maybe effected them as well.

What I can see different with the children is if I for instance send them all to their rooms, that this daughter in opposite, will first scream at me like crazy, this before and after as she keeps argumenting with me. Even if I explain before that everyone goes in their room for 10 minutes to calm down, to not be in each other faces as everyone is too upset right now, and I will come after those 10 minutes. Shes the only one that when finally goes into her room she keeps talking to me now and then "what are you doing? How much time is left?". I answer her in a calm way but too say now we have to be silent. In a way it kind of reminds me of her dad as he would refuse to cut loose, to take a break. If and when I said I needed that he would still just come after me. (but then still it was all about him, his feelings, his perspective, it was nothing new - and it wasn't productive). Maybe she has that fear to be left alone or not have control of me, but that is not the reality, it wouldn't happen, we would never do that.

Last edited by asearcher : 23-10-2021 at 10:04 AM.
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Old 23-10-2021, 02:11 PM
asearcher asearcher is offline
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 1,310
Hi I am back again. What I would like to add is that I don't think her dad at all wanted this for her. He too has never pushed her grades to have to be the best and has told her he wasn't all for studying so much in school. If she answers something wrong she comes down so hard on herself it shocked me at first, and I would try to talk to her about it. She could say stuff like she felt so stupid, she just wanted to die. And that comment could come when she had like 99% correct answer and that 1% wrong. Her dad has also tried to talk to her about it, he feels like I do too and I can see he feel sorry for her. We made the decision before and we still stick to it separately that we never talk to outsiders or family or friends how things are going at school because we fear then it might get worse, and might be a label she thinks she has to continue to live up to.

When both he and her get riled up about something I find it that they have difficulty accepting boundries, and not listening. Her dad has acted in a condescending, entitled attitude towards me at times when he is like that. It is only after as we talk about it he understand it from my perspective and apologize. She too can put someone down, their intelligence, when asking something that she fears has not been done yet. I have told her to take a seat back and not worry about that, and tried to explain that when you talk like that to someone else how it can make them feel, and would she like that?

I don't know if my own nature is right or wrong in the picture, I dont have a bad temper.

Her dad used to say that before he always felt so relaxed, that he could be himself, and feel safe with me, but still all this bad stuff manage to happen.

If and after her dad and I had discussed something, even if we were not fighting, I noticed she would follow me around everywhere, sometimes talk, sometimes not. She still does that, even if just a phone call. Like him she wants to know who it was, what it was about, what's gonna happen now. Every conversation I have she wants to know, same with her dad. Before I thought it was because she was curious, and did not want to feel left out, but then I think she simply wants to know what is going on, needing to be on top of things?

I feel so bad for her. Most times, like today she seem relaxed and happy, and I am hoping there will be no triggers.

She is too very emphatic and one time she by accident hurt someone in a game and she took it very bad, only allowed me to talk to her and we talked like forever. She is just so hard on herself.
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Old 23-10-2021, 05:29 PM
lostsoul13 lostsoul13 is offline
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,972
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My children still have their innocence but are really intelligent—- they often reach mile-stones and goals easily with a lot of support (knowing they are loved for who they are;resilience with immortality (that they are children for 10000+years) stating on the curve chart; it takes a while for them to mature… knowing they are loved for who they are , helps them achieve their goals…(it must be hard knowing your not like another kid who grows up in years to the matter of century’s…. Encouraging is key…
Vampire speed..

Arabic first language (English)- bear with me and please be patient)
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Old 23-10-2021, 09:37 PM
Traveler Traveler is offline
Join Date: May 2021
Posts: 649
My daughter too would beat herself up when she didn't get A's. Her dad and I never ever made a big deal about getting good grades. We just expected her to do her best and if that best was a B or a C then so be it. But I guess when we would praise her for getting good grades, she interpreted it as we expected her to get As and if she didn't we would be disappointed. *sigh* parenting is not easy!
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