Okay, here it goes...I feel the need to put 6 weeks in words. Just because..
I put it under Twin Flames. I don´t know if we are...doesn´t feel like i need to know either for the time being. But, of course, it crossed my mind...otherwise i wouldn´t be back on the forum.
Some time ago i met a guy on a dating website. He invited me to chat...he just seemed to come out of nowhere...i hadn´t seen him online there. I was on there for about 5 months and had decided that i would quit there because i hadn´t met anyone nice.
Just a week before, i got a new job. Months before the sollicitation a thought just crossed my mind: ´What if that particular vacancy will pop up?!´ Well, next week, it did. But i was too late to write a letter. A week later i saw they put out that vacancy again. This time i was on holidays. I decided to call and ask if i could apply for the job when i got home. Again 1 week later, they called, emailed and spoke on voicemail that they would like me to apply to the job. So, i did. Then everything went fast and i got the new job. Right now i am thinking: What the heck?! And why?! But it felt like i needed to do this.
After i had returned home from holidays i decided to go to the beach as often as i could (didn´t do so the years before). First few times i went to a certain beach, but the trains were always so fully packed with people, that after a few weeks i decided to visit another beach. This one was in another direction. It took me longer, but that was okay.
One week after i first visited this other beach this guy on the dating website invited me for a chat. Turned out he lived very close to this other beach. We chatted for about 5 weeks. Not every day. We had fun chatting, there was a lot of teasing. He didn´t feel like ´my normal type´ at all, but somehow i had decided to give it a go. From day one i felt more energized and optimistic. Soon, i had so much energy i couldn´t even sleep properly but felt okay. And we even hadn´t seen each other.
Okay, so we chatted and chatted. Looking back at it, all feels a little weird. He wasn´t the easiest guy i ever met, again, at all. But i found myself ´fighting´ back. There were several moments where he asked if he should just delete me. I answered that he shouldn´t ask me, but himself. But he never did (untill last week). There was a weird vibe in the background. He wanted to see me. I did want to see him, but as soon as i asked for a date, place or time, he said no/backed of. There were several moments where i got so angry and frustrated about his behaviour that impulsively i wrote long and sharp texts. He would react to them, but wouldn´t say much about it. Only that they didn´t make him happy. Friends asked why i did even bother, but somehow i just couldn´t let go of him.
In those impulses i got so very emotional. And i hadn´t even seen him in person yet. I had asked him a few times if, at least, we could do a videocall because i would like to see him...because maybe his voice or whatever would put an end to all, lol. Wel, it took till last weekend and then we videocalled. It felt a bit weird. I had the feeling he didn´t know how to behave. At some point we looked at each other in silence...i really felt something there...But i had already felt much more during all those weeks. So many different feelings.
So, the chatting and calling last weekend felt good, better...and then monday he wrote that we didn´t seem to have anything in common and that this was it for him (and he hadn´t asked me very much about me, so how could he know this?)
Now, i know..this was not even a real relationship, though i felt and feel a lot.
I know, he is so different from what i am used to...
I know, it is so tough to get through to him, to find out who he really is...
But somehow, he felt sort of magnetic...
I told him he pulled and pushed, but i had to admit...so did i.
All things i wrote to him so impulsively...this is so not me to do that.
From the first day on, he managed to get me out of my comfort zone little by little.
But it felt like i gave it all, and he backed of...as soon as i asked him something...But on the other hand, vice versa, so did i...
During our contact i started dreaming again, my pain from my fibromyalgia seems dissolving all of a sudden. I feel stronger, more energetic, more beautiful and good about myself.
I suddenly start hearing voices. One of the last mornings i heard a male voice say: Hello, where is Irisa? Right after i suddenly felt so much hurt in my chest...grief. I knew it wasn´t mine, but his. The day before i´d seen him in my minds eye, working...i felt sadness...he had a thick layer around him. We also had conversations...though i always find this hard to believe...is it daydreaming or real...though the conversations are not about all beautiful...they are about feelings/emotions.
The 3 dreams i wrote on the forum are from during these 5 weeks.
I have no idea...
I just know that by meeting him (even only online) i sort of woke up emotionally. The things i accused him of...i only could admit that i was showing the same attitude. I really was shocked about my impulses in writing to him when he triggered me with this or that.
I never knew i could be jealous or that impatient, so obsessive. This is a whole other me, that i´ve never experienced before. But the being impatient and sort of obsessive...that was with which he had triggered me.
Besides, after he quit on me...i felt so much pain...i felt so hurt...a hurt that was much bigger then this whole situation could have triggered. Hurt, feeling so vulnerable. It was really bizar.
I told him how easily he got under my skin...he said that this was his experience as well. He said that i could be very annoying...haha, well, so could he.
His nickname...had a 11 11 though with other digits. His nickname...i had literally dreamed it about 20 years ago.In that dream i only saw this nickname...One of his pictures...i am thinking were i must have seen him before, because that face looks so familiair.
Well, maybe more dreams will come....
(last night i a dream where there was a guy...we were surprised several times. We both individually felt like someone or something is sort of ´pushing´ us around. Like: something happens to each of us, where we have no control...like someone or something is putting situations on our path...
Thought that came to my mind yesterday was: divine timing...
)...pains, grief, shame...everything just came up...like a volcano. He sort of gave me back a big part of myself (worth) again...And how many times did we really see each other....pffff...sad and happy al together...rollercoaster...
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