Hi Sweetie!

[FallingLeaves]

he met a nice person
in a recent dream
much older now

knocked on her door
it was just a tad scary

he needed something or other
and he'd asked his now-boss
if she was in

he knew her in high school
she was always friendly
probably from the tribe
of the 'first favorite female'
as well as the blue girl's
older sister

really his favorites
if you get past the obsession
that is his twin flame...

now she reminded him
of the aged blue girl
when he last he saw her
*a matronly presence*
right before some pandemic
arrived

each said to the other
without really understanding
'why didn't you contact me'

and in the back of his mind
he thought
'well i did, and I got ignored
and then I felt like
I was going to be accused
of stalking'

but he didn't wish to dwell on it.

then he got what he came for
and as he left
he felt the lingering sadness
of time gone by

[FallingLeaves]

life is just getting interesting

he is pretty sure
he doesn't wish
to make a pile of his chips
and trade them in
for money or fame

so celebrity soul mates
don't seem to be
a possibility
any more

[FallingLeaves]

well maybe
he is comfortable
talking about
the
'alternate'
twin flame.

you see he had a choice
between two names
and he has always doubted
that he picked the right one

but you play the cards you are dealt...

the 'alternate'
would have been
a much nicer
and much friendlier
person
he supposes...

*maybe*
had he chosen her
he wouldn't have felt
so put upon
lol

but there is a certain weight
from many past lives
that he can't live down
in a single day.

Sigh.

[FallingLeaves]

when he stood
on the beach
in santa monica
after sunset

all those many years ago

he thought what he sometimes heard
the echo chamber
was especially beautiful there.

he's starting to hear it again
now
after all these years
more regularly
but more muffled
not as beautiful
as there, near the ocean.

still,
it doesn't have to be perfect.
Sometimes too much is too much.

[FallingLeaves]

once
he was wandering around
in some library

thinking the thoughts
he was driven to think
and a moment came
where he realized

he had just
crossed some line
with his thoughts
and should have died
because of it
they should have killed him
because of it

that is what always happened
before???????

but he didn't.
they didn't.

that left him wondering?????

[FallingLeaves]

being an alligator
is kinda fun

the only other alligator
he ever met
was

the girl who could do no wrong.

but
like all the others
she is gone!

[FallingLeaves]

he was kinda upset
about all the gaslighting
done to him

even recently
it got on his nerver...

the worst comes
when they decide
to turn the tables
and to tell him
HE is the one
doing the gaslighting
and should therefore quit

but it can be handy
knowing
that sometimes
the only answer
is to just not engage
with such people
don't even try to save face
or give them the benefit of the doubt
or any of the other things
one is told one must do
to bolster one's own ego
or to rationalize why they must be
allowed
to do this to you
or why you should rebel
or try to get even
or etc...

just simply not engage.

as lao tzu said (ch 69)

No misfortune is greater than relating to light opposition
Light opposition severs and destroys my principles.


easier said than done though lol!
--------------------------------------
on the way to learning that
he did the worst
called someone out
on being a thief...

there is no way to prove that that person
was a thief
and they of course
immediately said they weren't,
and yeah he felt bad
that maybe
he was unjustly accusing someone
given all the times
he himself
had been unjustly accused

but at the same time,
pretty much everyone
was being a dork
and he was like
enough already
I'll take the bad karma
if it is true I'm wrong.

It isn't like I ever
get good karma
anyway
lol...

[FallingLeaves]

well
he thinks
it helps to know oneself
because

if you won't honestly admit
what you are doing wrong

you won't be incentivized
to learn what you could do right

as far as being
hard on oneself
there are reasons for that,

but to be honest
any more
he does give himself a break sometimes...

this striving for perfection
that he used to be into
being one of the many things
he found himself doing wrong
lol!

he is very happy
to know
there is no wrong way to do things
even if other people
get mad at him
when he doesn't make
choices they like

[FallingLeaves]

any more
he can appreciate
something that was said to him
without really knowing
what was being said.

It is kinda nice,
not to feel obliged
to try to figure out
exactly what someone else is thinking
and yet still feel able to communicate
in some form

sigh.

[FallingLeaves]

the french girl
from his college cities'
sister city
was infuriating

par for the course
he guesses

for once in his life
he wasn't in love

for once in his life
he felt moved to say
he appreciated
her friendship

even though
it was very scary
to say something he actually felt
this from someone who
barely knew how to talk

but she cut him off at the pass
she assumed he wanted love
she shut him down

as he barely had enough life in him
to simply state he liked being friends
there was no way he could fight
such an imposition on his feelings
so he walked off frustrated
thinking she was quite mean
and that was the end of that.

he's rarely thought of her since then
except when wanting
to remember his point
that girls can be mean...

he certainly wouldn't want
to meet her yet again.