8 or 9 years later…help…

[dishevlment]

Hi everyone! Gosh reading my posts from 8/9 years ago was a trip.
The person I spoke about and I never saw each other again. In fact I stopped thinking about him for 6 ish years. Like totally buried this. If he popped up I would immediately push it away.
Two months ago something happened in my mind and the floodgates opened. I’ve been replaying everything. I’m feeling all those things from years ago again and I’m consumed by it. He tried reaching out on a dating app about 7 years ago. He blocked me when I didn’t respond for a couple of days. Our whole relationship was a mess. I can see now that we loved each other despite it making no sense to. I can see now how we mirrored each other. How we messed up. How the universe dropped real love on two very young and very damaged kids. And we could not hold it. It was not meant to be then.

I need to give this more time and i need to focus on myself for many more months before I decide on taking action or not. But yeah, I’ve moved around the country had a lot of adventures. In my early 30’s now. I’m coming out of a terrible period of my life that lasted several years.

I’m at my families house for the foreseeable future and he still lives nearby. He’s unmarried but in a long term relationship. I snooped on him. I won’t cross that boundary but is it crazy to reach out to him if he’s ever single in the near future? I’m feeling the same loss and heartbreak that I felt all those years ago.
Why is this popping up on me? I’ve dated and had relationships since but nothing ever scratched what I felt for him. Not even remotely close.

How do I put this away for now? Why is this resurfacing so intensely so many years later? It was a toxic relationship but real connection and yes a raw love. Please help.