Thank you everyone so much.
I agree that no relationship should have any mental of physical abuse in them and that it would mean unhealthy communication, relationship for a child to witness and to then later on take on in life.
He has always been a good dad and fatherhood does not trigger him the way I have, in a romantic relationship. So I would just like to be clear on that. Would he had been a terrible dad we would have been out of there in 2 seconds.
With that said I do think he has failed in regard of not being aware sometimes but I do think aware at other times that his behavior has been hurtful and if a child's mom is not doing OK because of it then you are not a good dad, from that perspective. And the same goes the other way around, of course.
The way I have seen them fight and "sort" out issues (they don't, they just put a lid on it) from his first family, parents is that they take defense, just like he does, so it is quite a tough atmosphere, especially perhaps for me who has not been used to that before like that.
What I have read too abut those on the autism spectrum, level 1, is that they are sensitive to criticism. This because they have endured that from childhood and forward. Not everyone though I can imagine? Depends?
He has had a life long taught behavior to take defense as first reaction and he needs to stop doing that. He has stop doing that but I am at the stage where I don't know if this is for real, if I can trust it. Too early to say.
I can't really remember when I began looking at his temper as something off with it, I think it was way after my first pregnancy with him.
He would himself say it was when he feared or knew he was loosing me and did not think he deserved it or would know how to cope without me that his mind would go blank. That he thought and wanted to be a good husband to me and thought we were for life and in all honesty thought I was going through a bad time because I was sensitive to what was going on in his family with his narc parent and how he handled that. Other things too he would simply state that he thought I was not doing well because I was so sensitive but at the same time he thought I was strong. He would say lots of times he knew he was read off as indifferent, uncaring compared to me who was so sensitive. If I would be angry he would be on the defense, but if I would look hurt or sad he would not be on the defense, but could instantly get tears in his own eyes and knowing this was serious. He would then at times try to console me, but I would leave, push him away. I've never known him to raise his voice, yell at me or look cross at me if I display sadness.
He would say he had always wanted to own any social scene as in managing it way better than he knew he did but he could not help himself.
No matter the reasons behind his behavior, response to when he had hurt me emotionally it still does not excuse it but it does explain it and it takes some of it off as in me knowing this is not about me actually, this is about him.
we also have it stable, we can and are also stable together, areas we agree upon and when he is like that then you don't think he is going to display signs of anxiety or aggressiveness.
the counseling he chose for us did not spot his autism. I have read of others where couples where one has it and the other doesn't and they seek counseling that it is not unusual for 3-4 even to miss that one is on the autism spectrum (then level 1).
I remember one time when I objected when being told we were going to do things together, as a team, that we were going to be closer then and have some fun. I said that it always start out that way, we're suppose to do something together, but that he very soon takes over and then it gets to be his project, a project he won't let go off and won't let me in. I know times when he has taken over he thinks he has done a good thing because then I did not have to do any work at all almost (as in renovating) or other things, and that he can also not help himself. It has been times when we start at scratch and then I realize he has "run pass me" so he is way over there. He has smarts, is intelligent and when he does things he does them to perfection so even if he has not said or done anything to then make me feel inferior or left out those are the feeling I have been left with, when he has only tried to do a good thing. I've also read that this is something that individuals who are on the autism spectrum can do, they look at project as theirs and they do it dam well but others like co workers can feel excluded. He has also several times if my memory serves me right talked down to me in his efforts to keep what was suppose to be our project to stay his project, as things has to be just so, and how he wants them and how he has thought of them to be. That's not OK, putting me down in order to try to keep it, so that I will then know he think I am less intelligent or less successful in doing what is now suppose to be done compared to him. He also has this order for things before we start something when I go all roads lead to Rome, he don't like that saying I guess but to me it don't matter what order, as long as it gets done, but I have understood that to him that is important. He has learned to stay out of my business and I stay out of his business, but again - these could be things that other couple have no issue with doing together, as a team but we have to do them separately. Other things we can do together, so it is not all areas that are involved.
That was one of the signs and nobody catch up with what I was saying. I did not at the time know he had autism, but weren't they suppose to know? But apparently there is a lack of knowledge within these field with these so called counselors and experts. I hope they get better at it.
we began counseling when I thought I was run down and it was too late so I had little to no skin to go through that and lots of times when I felt this was not rewarding as in the results. That I just could not be heard simply and I guess I had something called
Cassandra phenomenon, which
"refers to the non-Asperger's person in the relationship's experience of not being believed when they talk with a friend about the problems in the relationship with their AS partner. It points toward the frustrations and potential traumas of a partner dealing with their neurodivergent partner." (
link from source).
The couple explaining they had been having regular routine family, couple counseling several times(!!!) said it only made things worse and they missed that the guy had autism each and every time. Not the way to go.
I'm just gonna share some links here that I have found useful. I find it useful to read directly from the horse's mouth so to say, from those who have been diagnosed with autism spectrum level 1 who can explain how they interpret the world and situations and so on. The brain is for instance easily impacted ,overload of impressions of certain places etc being triggers.
I think once you know it is autism it is so much better, relief in a way because then in some way it all makes sense even though I am still learning about all this stuff.
there is medication and treatment out there and I feel he is on his way and he has progressed in some ways and I can only cheer him on.
I need to be very clear with him and notice now that when I am he won't take defense (but again this is really early so). I am being clear my way, without being tough. I have told him before I don't want to feel I have to have my shield on and have to be tough, then that kills all intimacy for me, you have to be able to be vulnerable and feel safe in that, like FairyCrystal wrote that I have to be ready at any time, that is exhausting mentally etc and I need to be aware of those signs and not accept them and if and when to then get out.
so anyways we'll see where we land eventually.
here comes the links:
I'll start with the children
link
(here too written about having been in such a rage that could not remember afterwards, this is what my husband would reveal he had, that he could not remember but that he believed me what I had said he had said and done and apologized. Still an apology is one thing, making sure it never happens again and should not have happened in the first place is another)
This one where I compared how I thought my husband was, as some things he has said, done could be read off as narcissistic they are actually autistic meaning he meant no harm unlike the narcissist. Overall it is a good list to go by. You'll find the list further down the page
Link
GoodTherapy Narcissism or Aspergers? How to tell the difference
that is in no way to excuse his behavior because if the ending result is the same and I show evidence of that regarding my well being than it makes no difference as far as that is concerned. so all of that has to be yesterdays and not present and not in the future, no matter what.
What I found surprising was that the so called experts when he was seeing someone during our former split also missed his autism, giving him documents to sign where he just stated he did not have anxiety etc.
I think this women who does youtube videos, she's on the autism spectrum herself explain it well that she has to go by physical symptoms like hands that tremble in order to understand she has anxiety. Her channel is called Mom on the Spectrum.
Had I not by accident -or meant to be??? sat beside my husband as he was going through a test I would not have seen that he would fill in that he had no anxiety while I thought he had it. So I am hoping personally that the experts change their ways to discovering that their client has autism.
Another thing too I read from someone who is autistic would explain about the social anxiety, that went into treatment with someone who thought it did not matter that he/she (I forgot) had autism and would treat the social anxiety like always the same way as with other clients and the one with the autism trying to get through that why that failed to work. My husband has by now done great improvement as far as his social anxiety is concerned, so no complaints, and looks out for me and treats me well in that regard.
I'm sorry I give out so many mixed signals right now and thank you everyone for your thoughts, advice. I will try to get myself sorted out :)