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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Love & Relationships -Friends and Family

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  #11  
Old 13-06-2022, 09:49 PM
Traveler Traveler is offline
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Join Date: May 2021
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Try this mediation every day for a while and see what happens:

First build up a feeling of love in your heart chakra and visualize it as a pink aura coming from your heart chakra. Expand this pink aura to completely envelop you. Then visualize your spouse also surrounded by this pink aura. See this pink aura or cloud envelop him (as well as yourself separately) protectively. Once set, dismiss it and considered it 'done'.

If you feel you need his permission to do this; ask his higher self first.
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  #12  
Old 14-06-2022, 05:37 AM
Izz Izz is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2010
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Traveler

First build up a feeling of love in your heart chakra and visualize it as a pink aura coming from your heart chakra. Expand this pink aura to completely envelop you. Then visualize your spouse also surrounded by this pink aura. See this pink aura or cloud envelop him (as well as yourself separately) protectively. Once set, dismiss it and considered it 'done'.

If you feel you need his permission to do this; ask his higher self first.

i know this is meant for asearcher but ill take it too

thanks traveler
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  #13  
Old 14-06-2022, 11:00 PM
Traveler Traveler is offline
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Join Date: May 2021
Posts: 987
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Izz
i know this is meant for asearcher but ill take it too

thanks traveler

Sure. You're welcome. It comes from the book by Joseph Weed "Wisdom of the Mystic Masters". It's a really good book that delves into the secrets of the Rosicrucians and discusses topics like meditation, astral travel, energy healing and developing your psychic abilities. I highly recommend getting a copy of this book. It even touches on manifesting.
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  #14  
Old 14-06-2022, 11:00 PM
Traveler Traveler is offline
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Join Date: May 2021
Posts: 987
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Izz
i know this is meant for asearcher but ill take it too

thanks traveler

Sure. You're welcome. It comes from the book by Joseph Weed "Wisdom of the Mystic Masters". It's a really good book that delves into the secrets of the Rosicrucians and discusses topics like meditation, astral travel, energy healing and developing your psychic abilities. I highly recommend getting a copy of this book. It even touches on manifesting.
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  #15  
Old 15-06-2022, 03:17 PM
asearcher
Posts: n/a
 
Thank you everyone so much.

I agree that no relationship should have any mental of physical abuse in them and that it would mean unhealthy communication, relationship for a child to witness and to then later on take on in life.

He has always been a good dad and fatherhood does not trigger him the way I have, in a romantic relationship. So I would just like to be clear on that. Would he had been a terrible dad we would have been out of there in 2 seconds.

With that said I do think he has failed in regard of not being aware sometimes but I do think aware at other times that his behavior has been hurtful and if a child's mom is not doing OK because of it then you are not a good dad, from that perspective. And the same goes the other way around, of course.

The way I have seen them fight and "sort" out issues (they don't, they just put a lid on it) from his first family, parents is that they take defense, just like he does, so it is quite a tough atmosphere, especially perhaps for me who has not been used to that before like that.

What I have read too abut those on the autism spectrum, level 1, is that they are sensitive to criticism. This because they have endured that from childhood and forward. Not everyone though I can imagine? Depends?

He has had a life long taught behavior to take defense as first reaction and he needs to stop doing that. He has stop doing that but I am at the stage where I don't know if this is for real, if I can trust it. Too early to say.

I can't really remember when I began looking at his temper as something off with it, I think it was way after my first pregnancy with him.

He would himself say it was when he feared or knew he was loosing me and did not think he deserved it or would know how to cope without me that his mind would go blank. That he thought and wanted to be a good husband to me and thought we were for life and in all honesty thought I was going through a bad time because I was sensitive to what was going on in his family with his narc parent and how he handled that. Other things too he would simply state that he thought I was not doing well because I was so sensitive but at the same time he thought I was strong. He would say lots of times he knew he was read off as indifferent, uncaring compared to me who was so sensitive. If I would be angry he would be on the defense, but if I would look hurt or sad he would not be on the defense, but could instantly get tears in his own eyes and knowing this was serious. He would then at times try to console me, but I would leave, push him away. I've never known him to raise his voice, yell at me or look cross at me if I display sadness.

He would say he had always wanted to own any social scene as in managing it way better than he knew he did but he could not help himself.

No matter the reasons behind his behavior, response to when he had hurt me emotionally it still does not excuse it but it does explain it and it takes some of it off as in me knowing this is not about me actually, this is about him.

we also have it stable, we can and are also stable together, areas we agree upon and when he is like that then you don't think he is going to display signs of anxiety or aggressiveness.

the counseling he chose for us did not spot his autism. I have read of others where couples where one has it and the other doesn't and they seek counseling that it is not unusual for 3-4 even to miss that one is on the autism spectrum (then level 1).

I remember one time when I objected when being told we were going to do things together, as a team, that we were going to be closer then and have some fun. I said that it always start out that way, we're suppose to do something together, but that he very soon takes over and then it gets to be his project, a project he won't let go off and won't let me in. I know times when he has taken over he thinks he has done a good thing because then I did not have to do any work at all almost (as in renovating) or other things, and that he can also not help himself. It has been times when we start at scratch and then I realize he has "run pass me" so he is way over there. He has smarts, is intelligent and when he does things he does them to perfection so even if he has not said or done anything to then make me feel inferior or left out those are the feeling I have been left with, when he has only tried to do a good thing. I've also read that this is something that individuals who are on the autism spectrum can do, they look at project as theirs and they do it dam well but others like co workers can feel excluded. He has also several times if my memory serves me right talked down to me in his efforts to keep what was suppose to be our project to stay his project, as things has to be just so, and how he wants them and how he has thought of them to be. That's not OK, putting me down in order to try to keep it, so that I will then know he think I am less intelligent or less successful in doing what is now suppose to be done compared to him. He also has this order for things before we start something when I go all roads lead to Rome, he don't like that saying I guess but to me it don't matter what order, as long as it gets done, but I have understood that to him that is important. He has learned to stay out of my business and I stay out of his business, but again - these could be things that other couple have no issue with doing together, as a team but we have to do them separately. Other things we can do together, so it is not all areas that are involved.

That was one of the signs and nobody catch up with what I was saying. I did not at the time know he had autism, but weren't they suppose to know? But apparently there is a lack of knowledge within these field with these so called counselors and experts. I hope they get better at it.

we began counseling when I thought I was run down and it was too late so I had little to no skin to go through that and lots of times when I felt this was not rewarding as in the results. That I just could not be heard simply and I guess I had something called Cassandra phenomenon, which "refers to the non-Asperger's person in the relationship's experience of not being believed when they talk with a friend about the problems in the relationship with their AS partner. It points toward the frustrations and potential traumas of a partner dealing with their neurodivergent partner." (link from source).

The couple explaining they had been having regular routine family, couple counseling several times(!!!) said it only made things worse and they missed that the guy had autism each and every time. Not the way to go.

I'm just gonna share some links here that I have found useful. I find it useful to read directly from the horse's mouth so to say, from those who have been diagnosed with autism spectrum level 1 who can explain how they interpret the world and situations and so on. The brain is for instance easily impacted ,overload of impressions of certain places etc being triggers.
I think once you know it is autism it is so much better, relief in a way because then in some way it all makes sense even though I am still learning about all this stuff.

there is medication and treatment out there and I feel he is on his way and he has progressed in some ways and I can only cheer him on.

I need to be very clear with him and notice now that when I am he won't take defense (but again this is really early so). I am being clear my way, without being tough. I have told him before I don't want to feel I have to have my shield on and have to be tough, then that kills all intimacy for me, you have to be able to be vulnerable and feel safe in that, like FairyCrystal wrote that I have to be ready at any time, that is exhausting mentally etc and I need to be aware of those signs and not accept them and if and when to then get out.

so anyways we'll see where we land eventually.

here comes the links:

I'll start with the children link

(here too written about having been in such a rage that could not remember afterwards, this is what my husband would reveal he had, that he could not remember but that he believed me what I had said he had said and done and apologized. Still an apology is one thing, making sure it never happens again and should not have happened in the first place is another)

This one where I compared how I thought my husband was, as some things he has said, done could be read off as narcissistic they are actually autistic meaning he meant no harm unlike the narcissist. Overall it is a good list to go by. You'll find the list further down the page

Link GoodTherapy Narcissism or Aspergers? How to tell the difference

that is in no way to excuse his behavior because if the ending result is the same and I show evidence of that regarding my well being than it makes no difference as far as that is concerned. so all of that has to be yesterdays and not present and not in the future, no matter what.

What I found surprising was that the so called experts when he was seeing someone during our former split also missed his autism, giving him documents to sign where he just stated he did not have anxiety etc.

I think this women who does youtube videos, she's on the autism spectrum herself explain it well that she has to go by physical symptoms like hands that tremble in order to understand she has anxiety. Her channel is called Mom on the Spectrum.

Had I not by accident -or meant to be??? sat beside my husband as he was going through a test I would not have seen that he would fill in that he had no anxiety while I thought he had it. So I am hoping personally that the experts change their ways to discovering that their client has autism.

Another thing too I read from someone who is autistic would explain about the social anxiety, that went into treatment with someone who thought it did not matter that he/she (I forgot) had autism and would treat the social anxiety like always the same way as with other clients and the one with the autism trying to get through that why that failed to work. My husband has by now done great improvement as far as his social anxiety is concerned, so no complaints, and looks out for me and treats me well in that regard.

I'm sorry I give out so many mixed signals right now and thank you everyone for your thoughts, advice. I will try to get myself sorted out :)

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  #16  
Old 15-06-2022, 06:54 PM
FairyCrystal FairyCrystal is offline
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Experience I have with a narc and therapy... not good, almost impossible, if not at all. That is because a narc will always insist on him not being or having a problem. They don't like to entertain that thought.

I've had a therapist that didn't see through the ruse they can so skilfully create. Stronger yet, she seemed to really fall for his charm!
I've noticed that more often in women's reactions to him: they either totally disliked him, didn't fall for his charm and bee-es. (usually the stronger ones I think). Or they fell for his ruse and charm, completely falling for it and him and totally missing something being off.
This was the same with therapists.

Once we were doing a course in coaching & counselling. I wanted to do that and he thought he'd like it too. Granted, he was good at it as it basically meant acting and prodding and probing another person's mind, something a narc is a master in.
But at some point our teacher called him out on his behaviour towards me in class. I had seen weeks earlier that the teacher had spotted it, then he called my partner out on it. He tried to talk himself out of it but the teacher saw right through him.
His behaviour towards me during class changed a bit, not much. But that teacher, a coach with his own practice and years of experience, was the only one ever to see right through his shizzel.

One time we did couple therapy. Major disaster! All that happened was us arguing there for an hour on end. The woman didn't know what to do with it, and since our arguments got loud I think everyone in the building must have heard.
It didn't go anywhere of course as he simply deflected anything and everything.
Then he even had the audacity to break up with me there, likely didn't have the guts to do that in private.
Ironically we didn't break up, we stayed together for at least another year I think.

Anywho, just to say that therapy with such a man is very difficult if not impossible.
Any therapy is difficult for a man as it is, let alone one with such deep issues and personality disorder.
It's more difficult for men to talk about their feelings than for women, and most feel very awkward about that, certainly in a setting with a stranger. Most otherwise mentally healthy men will not easily go to a therapist with a problem whereas women often don't care or are eager even if it can help them.
So if a mentally healthy man with a small issue feels resistance to therapy it speaks for itself that a man with mental issues will very likely resist altogether. OR... if you can talk him into going the chances of getting somewhere are small.

ANd in case you're not ruling out anything yet... narcissists are extremely good at pretending and manipulating. The one I was with was even very good with psychology, very intelligent, and he'd ace any test one could give him.
So his issue wouldn't show up.
He could even talk for hours with Jehova Witnesses, almost have them convert to another religion or atheism or something, haha. The JWs didn't stand a chance with him. And oddly enough, they always came back for more! If I then opened the door and said "no interest" they'd ask for him to come to the door?!!!
And he'd easily spent 2 hours there with them, talking, manipulating, probing their minds etc.
They can be the most cunning people in existence and it'd take a very very very smart therapist / psychologist to see through their ch*t.

And there is another type of narc too. Just as bad, but their MO is different.

Anywho, wishing you good luck, no matter what!
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  #17  
Old 16-06-2022, 03:47 PM
asearcher
Posts: n/a
 
Thank you again FairyCrystal, again so terrible what you have been through with your ex narc-partner. I am guessing it is not so hard to become a family counselor when they can't even detect autism or narcissism, sorry if I sound bitter. I guess they are just trained to see the basics and nothing beyond that. Perhaps with more knowledge of it as of today and growing it will take a part in their training. Sooner or later I'm thinking they have to. At least I hope so. Good thing though the one in your class did call him out on it. That ex narc-partner sounds indeed very clever too. My husband though does not wish to talk to people freely and def not like that, at most he would just say he is not interested and close the door on the religious people, but his narc parent hum yeah I can imagine that one talking and talking…and talking…
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