How to best answer back when someone talks down at you?

[Traveler]

Originally Posted by inavalan

Has the approach you recommended ever worked for you? In my experience, it would lead to a big fight with words you'd regret after you cooled down.

Absolutely it does. I know how to have an argument without calling names or saying things that are not pertinent to the subject. Been married over 25 years. I can count on half of one hand the number of loud arguments we've had. And we're both strong willed and hard headed.

Thanks everyone really :) I've been sick of having set backs with him as he is today more aware of his bad temper, lots of talks, counseling and the temper has improved and he is now more on recognizing what feelings are at play, but apparently still a way to go?? It is as if each time we get close again something like this happens to set me back. I get tired.

I agree you could be right, you could be wrong about something, but there is no place ever to talk down at someone. I did not insult him first.

He was the one who had earlier made a mistake that cost us quite a bit and then he thought I had been clumsy as I had forgotten something that could potentially cost us on top of that when he talked down at me. But turns out I found what I had lost the very next day after this argument. So no lost expense coming from my corner ;) (karma?)

I know from his first family that I have heard often jokes(?) on the other parent's behalf regarding one parent having a superior income. I have never been in any family where I have heard such talk, it is in my opinion, belittling the other parent (Now I love to laugh and often jokes, but not like that, not on someone else's expense. But I laugh at myself daily as I have a tendency to goof up and don't really care if people laugh with me or at me, but there is order to me as well, I'm not a complete goofeball).

I have thought as of later if that is where he got it from, from his first family, to think he was in authority financially, but he was not even "joking". I can only think of the sacrifices the other parent has done in order to try to put everything together, make the family move smoothly, having stood back, to then had to be the joke of the town like that, again and again. I don't find it funny. When I have told my husband I think your parent is out of line with it's so called jokes he has told me to just ease up or not get involved. I have tried to show my support and to "joke" back just to call the other parent on it's behavior. The other parent won't do it.

The situation about the money part was beside from the insult not called for either as he knows I am no money spending machine. When we got involved and were to move in together he was surprised at how I could still have so much (relatively) left after my paycheck, but I did not live expensive nor have I ever been impressed by an expensive life style, labels etc. He was the one used to living more lavishly, compared, in some ways.

[Izz]

Originally Posted by asearcher

I know from his first family that I have heard often jokes(?) on the other parent's behalf regarding one parent having a superior income. I have never been in any family where I have heard such talk, it is in my opinion, belittling the other parent

That's a red flag no matter if you're told to ease up about it

Red flags like that get disguised as "dark humor" or "no big deal"

Good on you to call it out. Your luv needs to understand that he is given this opportunity, physically, spiritually, karmically to break out of the dysfunctional cycle with you

[inavalan]

If people opened their eyes, ears, minds, and toned down their hormones before getting married ... there'd be more happier marriages.

[dream jo]

good question because I've been took down to most of my life up and down most of my life bye people but no reason even as a kid at school certain teachers will put me down as something you stepped in they did
I love back now and I think I deserve it I don't think I do but I do that to somebody else no
A few on me rise above it if I can

[FlyingFree]

Originally Posted by inavalan

If people opened their eyes, ears, minds, and toned down their hormones before getting married ... there'd be more happier marriages.

Unfortunately they don't teach people these things in school I mean to open there eyes ears and minds or self realization. At least they never did when I went to school. LOL

[FlyingFree]

Originally Posted by Izz

That's a red flag no matter if you're told to ease up about it

Red flags like that get disguised as "dark humor" or "no big deal"

Good on you to call it out. Your luv needs to understand that he is given this opportunity, physically, spiritually, karmically to break out of the dysfunctional cycle with you

In my family and most of my friends. The excuse was it helped you develop a "thick skin". And not take everything so serious. We would constantly jab at one another. But we didn't take it seriously or get offended by it. I don't know if it helped my self esteem or not but that is how I was raised. And my father told me once it's good to have that thick skin because the world can be a really harsh place and you have to be able to take care of yourself.

[Izz]

Originally Posted by FlyingFree

But we didn't take it seriously or get offended by it. I don't know if it helped my self esteem or not but that is how I was raised. And my father told me once it's good to have that thick skin because the world can be a really harsh place and you have to be able to take care of yourself.

I don't have enough info about your family so can't really comment in detail

I would just say this as my two cents:

Thick skin should be about withstanding constructive criticism that can help one move forward or get solutions. Key words being constructive and solution oriented. Balance is key too

Subtle put-downs and jabs, passed off as "dark humor" can be a different matter altogether. If one has boundaries to not accept subtle put-downs and jabs, then it is that person's right to have those concerns. As those put-downs, when accumulated over time, can potentially be a toxic pattern

And sadly some carry that dysfunction in future relationships, not knowing (or not willing to do the inner work to know) that those put-downs and dysfunction long accepted in the family of origin are what causes blockages from them moving forward in their relationships with other people

Just a general observation

[lostsoul13]

I think we are to just let it pass and not let it get to us personally—- water of the head type thing… or under the bridge: you are the bridge… it can be quite tough but doing it over and over again will cause some resilience…

Hi everyone and thank you for your reflections

just some thoughts on how I see some things: As for me when I fall in love, when I love, it is as if I have to run through the process of it. There could be warning signs before that you can chose to ignore or to see them for what they really are, but it can also be that these warning signs appear later on.

Some troubles we have had have been troubles that emerged later on and then grew in size as they were not dealt with in a proper way the way they should have been in a healthy advancing loving relationship. But I did not know that before. And when I was in the middle of it I would still hope it could be resolved as I still loved him and loved our family.

I think when I see his narc parent talk through him, and speaking in such a way that he did would have been typical, it is double the trigger because it is as if I see his narc parent then in him and am so let down that he has learned nothing through this whole process and actually want to bring this into our relationship, our family life and thinks it's OK to talk to me this way.

The way the narc parent "jokes" is without empathy and without reading off the room. When other people joke with me or others it can be tough but never tough as in hurting your feelings or others. I think we all know the difference. Or maybe we know it only after we can see the difference on how a narc does it to the rest?


I've found a link from livebold&bloom "15 responses when someone talks down to you", looks like I had used one of them (number 3), but haven't tried the rest... I'm almost looking forward this ;)

Hope it can help someone else too

"15 Of The Best Responses When Someone Talks Down To You
September 10, 2021 by Barrie Davenport

Just thinking of their patronizing words makes your blood boil.

You want to put them in their place. You want them to feel what you’re feeling.

And who wouldn’t? No one likes being talked down to. They have it coming.

More than anything, though, you want to handle this in a way that you won’t have reason to regret.

You want to remember your response with a smile and with peace of mind.

So, how do you deal with someone who talks down to you?

Read on to learn 15 of the best responses.

You’ll soon see why.

Talking Down To Someone: What It Really Means
When you hear the words “patronizing” and “condescending,” probably at least one person comes to mind. With some folks, you wonder if they’re even conscious of it.

With some, you know they are. But why do they talk down to you? What’s in it for them?

They get to sound gracious while taking you down a peg.
They get to play “the rational one” while treating you like a hysterical child.
They get to sound calm and mature in response to your justifiable anger.
They get to feel superior in some way while making you feel (and look) inferior.
Using condescending language is a favorite tool of those who want to appear more intelligent, more sophisticated, or wiser than the one they dislike or disagree with.

Respond to a condescending jerk with anger, and they’ll often use it as proof of their assumed superiority. They’ll double down on the condescension while still trying to appear gracious and diplomatic.

It can be satisfying to shock them with a few choice words. But the responses given here will have a stronger and more satisfying effect.

Examples of Talking Down to Someone
Think back to some of the condescending or patronizing
“So, you do know how to speak coherently. Bravo! With a bit of education….”
Speaking to someone else as though you’re not there: “She’ll need to come back in for a follow-up appointment. Make sure she takes her meds.”
“Well, there’s no reasoning with you when you’re like this…”
“I’m so glad I can talk about this without you overreacting or saying something silly.”
Now, make your own list of examples from your own experience. You’ll need it. words directed at you and remember how you felt when you heard them. To help you recollect those moments, here are a few maddening examples of talking down to someone:

“Actually, Hon, why don’t you simmer down a bit while I do the talking?”
15 Responses When Someone Talks Down to You
Now, it’s time to look at 15 responses — both internal and outward — each one based on the situation and the type of person you’re dealing with. Some will no doubt sound familiar.

1. Don’t take it personally (even when it’s meant to be personal).
If someone is talking down to you to make you feel small or to get a laugh, it says nothing about you — but plenty about them (and nothing good).

If someone is talking down to you out of habit but not with meanspiritedness, it still doesn’t say anything about you. It means they’re thoughtless and possibly oblivious to the way they sound.

Depending on whether or not the condescension is meant to be personal, you can either gently correct them, take note of their behavior (and witnesses), or simply ignore them.

2. Expect it and ignore it.
You know this is just something they do — maybe because that’s the way they’re used to talking to others. If they’re rude, you’re within your rights to simply walk away and let them be their own audience.

If you know they don’t mean to insult you or make you feel small, it’s easier to simply brush it off as something they do out of habit. If it doesn’t hurt anyone, you might choose this response to avoid causing more trouble than their comments are worth.

3. Be upfront and call them out.
There’s no harm in calmly and directly saying, “Don’t talk down to me.” In effect, you’re letting them know you’ve noticed their condescending approach, and you’re not letting them get away with it. It stops them in their tracks and puts them on the spot for a change.

If they try to laugh it off as a joke that you’re not getting, maintain the cool composure. They might try to explain themselves, but if they refuse to acknowledge their patronizing tone or language, you don’t owe them an ear.

4. Invoke their empathy.
Maybe you’ve heard someone suggest a response like one of the following:

“When you say ____, I feel ____,” or
“When you talk to me that way, I feel that _______,” or
“When you say that, I hear _____.”
Of course, this approach only works when the other person cares about how you feel or interpret their words or delivery.

If they’re convinced they’ve done nothing wrong and you’re overreacting, they’re more likely to dismiss what you say as weakness or silliness.

In short, don’t try to invoke what isn’t there.

5. Acknowledge where they’re right and add something to it.
Two can play at this tangent game. If someone talks down to you but says something true, you can seize upon that and draw from what you know to turn the talk in another direction. Add something interesting you’ve learned.

If the intent of their statement was sharp, this would dull it in a jiffy. Do it right, and any witnesses to the insult will be more interested in what you add to it.

6. Excuse yourself.
If someone is a condescending jerk, you have every right to excuse yourself and put distance between you.

Use whatever excuse comes to mind, or simply interrupt them with “Excuse me,” in a calm, cool voice and leave them to their own company.

You’ve got better places to be and better uses for your headspace.

7. Walk away and find someone who talks to you with respect.
If you don’t want to dignify their comment with a verbal response, sometimes the best response is to walk away, whether they’re still talking or not. Find someone who manages to have a conversation without talking down to you.

You don’t owe condescending people a chance to finish their sentences or express their whole thought.

And it might be better to leave before you make an impression you can’t take back.

8. Practice active listening.
With active listening, you focus on what the other person is saying, as well as what they’re not saying out loud.

That way, you can pick up on the thoughts or feelings behind the words they say.

As an active listener, you might respond to a condescending remark by asking them how they are or whether everything is okay. People who don’t usually say hurtful things are more likely to do so when they’re in pain.