How to best answer back when someone talks down at you?

Just today over an incident my husband got irritated. He kept repeating the same sentence to me. I said to him first yes, I know but there is nothing we can do about it now.He kept at it, working himself up, I had said sorry before, but it had been by accident and he knew that too. I said you're irritated. I've heard you. Please now, stop. Please stop. And he went like "Yes, but....." and then the same thing, on repeat. I then tried to remove myself (as we were heading to a place anyways and this all began in the car). He catch up with me (or us, I was holding my child's hand) and soon he then said 2 sentences to me that were clearly him talking down at me. (Strangely just before today I did think of an rather old memory between us when he too talked down at me. And before that yet another. Somehow I think I have gotten so used to it before but now it is as if I see this pattern of his.)

The sentences he now spoke when he put me down, had it all to them, even a promised punishment in form of a financial such, as I can imagine one could say to a child, only I am not a child and he is not in charge of our finances or the solo decision maker of it. It sort of gave me in that instant a feeling of how vulnerable I would have been maybe if I did not work myself for a living. I told him "That is not for you to decide alone. I make my own money." (I felt like saying though Who do you think you are?)
Then as I kept moving pass him I then let my child go (but still had my eyes on her and was walking her direction). I told my husband "I don't appreciate that you talk down at me, you just did" and then I told him the sentences he had said before. I said "You talk to me as if I am a child. Don't do that". I told him too about an incident he had done in the past not to long ago which had been similar to mine when I did not react the way he had. I too made a joke at the end of it to the similarities (but not on anyone's expense).

In that moment he was the exact copy of an ex of mine, a psychopath, who very quickly just said "You're right, I'm sorry. It's over now, we don't talk about it no more". Just very quickly, like in one breath so I don't know how he managed to put all those words in, but looking insensitive still, or like a wall of brick or something. (My ex would also to demonstrate take his hand and sort of shift it over. Like not a word more of this. That would come when I thought now it was his time to talk but he wouldn't, sort of like the whole conversation was cut short, I couldn't help but remember that. he would do that to only later tell me he had not meant he was sorry, I kept this flashback to myself).

Anyways could tell my husband really did not want to adress that further. I could now feel myself get irritated but mostly sad but tried to shake it off and do what we were all there to do initially. He then began to go back to telling me that he had been irritated because there had been this change of plans and he had already planned how it was suppose to go and that this was just typical. And that he was already irritated from before and began saying stuff that had happened earlier that had nothing to do with me. I felt sympathy but said something like "Yes, but that is how it is now". He would return to talk about the joke I had made before and laughed at it shortly, saying to me that was a good one. Then even as I had let it all go he would now and then throughout the rest of the day before bed time and even just right before bed time want to be assured everything was good between us.

I have noticed he often goes superior - inferior on me, such shifts really. "I get worried" he would say. I would just tell him I loved him and not to get worried. That I had let it go, it was of no importance. Like he too said before we had to squabble sometime.

Before in the past the incidents I remember when he would talk down at me I would go "but..." and try to explain myself almost as if I was the child, or I would withdraw, not say much.

What are the best ways to cope with when someone is talking down at you? What do you feel has worked best for you? Did I do alright even how I addressed the situation? He's on the autism spectrum

[FlyingFree]

In the past I would try to be reasonable in my approach and work through things in a reasonable way. Like try to understand that people's emotions do sometimes get the best of them. Especially in my situation like mine with mental illness. I get into different thought patterns and I find it hard to get out of them. Now I just let people say what ever and let them figure it out for themselves. I mean in relationships it's different it takes work to keep them going. so it's not something I have to worry about. But I sort of feel like a lot of thought patterns are arch typical. Patterns that run in peoples minds.. like I see certain behaviors and attributes that people do collectively. People say it's learned behaviors but I don't believe that. Anyway we all deal with things differently and sometimes it helps to point out the actions we don't like. If only for realization to occur. Both in ones self and your partner.

We can label these interactions as gaslighting and stonewalling or superior - inferior. But it still has to be worked through. Silence is sometimes good because it gives each other time to reflect and not escalate a situation. But depending on a persons state that can also be seen as a form of punishment in it's self. Just like the punishment he threatened with. So it really comes down to personal perspective at a time.

Maybe ask yourself has this worked through the problem. Are we both in a comfortable space to move forward and how are we going to deal with this if it arises in the future. Is there personal issues I have to deal with or that he has to deal with. And how can we collectively deal with it. Or is it trivial in nature. like that is ok. Sometimes this happens I understand he is running a pattern just let it run out. It's hard work relationships. but communication is definitely key. Do you feel like you have addressed the situation?

Also do you feel like he was triggered into that thought pattern. Like something triggered that response. And if so is he even aware of the trigger. Because if he felt triggered by an event that set him off. He can learn by exposing himself to that trigger. And inserting a new response that is more beneficial.

Hi FlyingFree,

you have given me tons of good advice on how to approach this, thank you very much :)

I'm sorry you had, have to struggle with mental illness. When I way back was having panic attacks I remember thinking I would prefer a physical illness any time. Luckily for me I only had it for a period and then my situation and I improved and got rid of it.

I'm sort off looking at him with new eyes since the autism spectrum got in the picture that we did not know about before.

It is difficult for me to know what goes where, in what category and then again besides from any diagnose we all got our personalities, good and bad, as well to consider, I'm thinking.

He has been brought up in a fighting atmosphere, his parents are almost always fighting and it is normal to him this way and he stays out of it, and they do it in the open, around us, around grandchildren. They won't talk things out, the lid is back on and everything is "perfect" again. I suspect there is OCD in the family. One of his parents are we believe and we are not the only ones a narcissist. So this one loves drama.

With that sort of background I don't think he was taught that you have to try to really sort things out before you can move on. Then he met me. He's had a past romantic relationship before me and been told that with her he did not have a temper, but was also told "he didn't care", what ever that meant, perhaps that was how it was read but not how it was, but who am I to say.

I came from a split up family and did not want any child to witness us fighting, so I would try to still have it in the evenings when the child had gone to sleep. By then the tensions had grown. I remember he would appear leaned against the door, and/or I knew I had to leave the child's room to face him in the living room, knowing what was next.

I have found fighting with him to be more difficult than with most people. He's had black outs during our fights in the past where he simply just had to take my word for it what had happened. He did remember up to a certain point and after that blank.

He would afterwards ask for forgiveness as he thought his temper got the best of him and would tell me to not listen to him when he was too upset, I can't tell you all the hurtful things he has said to me when he would get like that. Things just got worse instead of better.

He would too often take his fist and hit something or throw something (never in my direction) and would tell me he felt like hitting something and then he would remove himself, he would leave to then come back when he had cooled down.

He was still then somehow still on the verge of loosing control but I don't think he had entirely. He was very rigid that I would be the one to stay at home so I was not to leave the home in the middle of the evening or nights even, too if the baby or child woke up that he thought it was more important that I was there instead of him to console. He would also tell me before he left that he was not leaving me, as in breaking up with me. He would mostly be back within an hour or so.

If and when a baby, child was awoken by the noise from the fighting he would order me to go and console as he said he did not want to frighten his child, for the child to see him this way. Too as he could get or was aggressive it was as if he blamed me then for us having a fight for starters, and so it was then my fault if the baby, child woke to and therefor me who had to pull myself together to console and say everything was fine. Again he could too if he felt it took too long open the door to the baby or child's bedroom and just look at me, and I knew I had to get back in the game. Leave the room once the baby, child had gone to sleep again. He wasn't letting me go, or off the hook.

There was not much space for my feelings through this process, I realized it would most likely be a really bad idea to push him over the edge when to me he was already pretty close to over it. Not saying I was an innocent bystander, I too could have a temper but he would say that I did not have a trouble with my temper, he had and he hoped still it was not so bad that I had become afraid of him because he did not want that. He would scare me once when he took hold of me, took his hand over my mouth. This was after I had raised my voice at him one time, after that I hardly dared to. I too learned the hard way that he was very sensitive to touch.

It was as if he could get really aggressive and then really regretful, anxiety because of what he had said or done when he was aggressive, but while he was, is irritated or aggressive I could not, can't reach him but I guess that goes for everyone.

We've never subjected each other to silence treatments, there's always been a communication then even if not about what we had been fighting about. When and if I had needed my space it has been difficult for him to give it to me. He's also been in the habit to keep waking me up throughout the nights because he could not sleep and wanted to keep on talking (fighting).

After our recent disagreement he has today been working out more. It is usually that or/and cleaning etc. I wish to talk to him about what to do next time, if there is a next time but don't know if it is too early for him, if he will be too triggered still. Have to see how this goes, hoping for the best :)

[FlyingFree]

I had a similar temper when I was young. I would direct my anger at physical things instead of at the person I loved. But back then I wasn't even the least bit conscious of myself. It was all just thought patterns and emotions running. Self awareness is very important in change. And perhaps he doesn't have that awareness. I notice in men especially that they grow up in a certain way and believe that that is how things are supposed to be because that is how it was done as they were growing up. I had learned that throwing things and outbursts from my mother. Because that was how she would react. My father was actually much more calm and level headed. I mean to be honest it really wasn't until my 40's that I became more self aware and actually tried to change my actions. The fact of the matter is some people are not willing to change themself for the people they love. Or like I said simply aren't aware enough to change themselves.That is what I mean by relationships take work. Often times what happens is that either one partner just gives up on trying. They may still stay together but the caring is not there. In other words they don't value the other person enough to change. One partner becomes dominant and the other submissive because it's just easier then getting a divorce. But i find in a lot of those situations neither of the partners are happy and fulfilled. Things become stagnant and you stop growing together and grow apart. I am sure with hard work from both of you. You can work through things. But you have to both be willing to do the work. As for if he would still be triggered IDK. You will have to use your judgement on that. Now there is nothing wrong with being submissive if you feel comfortable with things the way they are. It's just you accepting that. And choosing to live that way. I mean some people just want to dominate in a narcissistic way. But is this making the people in the relationship happy and/or fulfilled together or not? Best wishes for you and your loved ones.

[inavalan]

I think that this is a very important subject!

https://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/talk+down+to

Talking down is an insult, and it is meant to hurt. People who talk down to others have a conscious or unconscious feeling of inferiority.

In my opinion, the reaction to being talked down should be as to being insulted.

When an insult comes from somebody you have to share your life with, or some part of your life, it is a sign to reconsider that relationship in an unemotional way.

It isn't a matter of who was right. Even if wrong, if not maliciously wrong insulting isn't justified.

Now, one has also to be honest if they weren't the one who insulted firstly (or there was a reasonable misinterpretation that they insulted firstly), and they were insulted back, as an emotional reaction.

Anyway, being repeatedly insulted shouldn't be acceptable, but every situation needs to be addressed intuitively and intelligently, not emotionally nor instinctively, and surely not based on what others recommend you to do.

[FlyingFree]

Originally Posted by inavalan

I think that this is a very important subject!

https://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/talk+down+to

Talking down is an insult, and it is meant to hurt. People who talk down to others have a conscious or unconscious feeling of inferiority.

In my opinion, the reaction to being talked down should be as to being insulted.

When an insult comes from somebody you have to share your life with, or some part of your life, it is a sign to reconsider that relationship in an unemotional way.

It isn't a matter of who was right. Even if wrong, if not maliciously wrong insulting isn't justified.

Now, one has also to be honest if they weren't the one who insulted firstly (or there was a reasonable misinterpretation that they insulted firstly), and they were insulted back, as an emotional reaction.

Anyway, being repeatedly insulted shouldn't be acceptable, but every situation needs to be addressed intuitively and intelligently, not emotionally nor instinctively, and surely not based on what others recommend you to do.

The choice always has to be yours. Not what someone else recommends. But I'm sure we have all listened to bad advice from time to time.

[inavalan]

Originally Posted by FlyingFree

The choice always has to be yours. Not what someone else recommends. Be I'm sure we have all listened to bad advice from time to time.

It is understandable, but we are here to learn and grow up.

[FlyingFree]

Originally Posted by inavalan

It is understandable, but we are here to learn and grow up.

We never really grow up. We grow constantly. Besides it would sucks to grow out of that child like wonder. That's what makes life interesting.

[Traveler]

I would look him straight in the eye and say 'EXCUSE ME'? I know you're not talking to me like that right now. I am not a child and I think you'd better think about what is coming out of your mouth right now because we're gonna get into an argument if you keep disrespecting me like that and talking down to me. And as of right now, unless I hear an apology, you're gonna be sleeping on the couch tonight buster. I dunno if it's right or not. But I'm very strong willed and I wouldn't put up with that. And it would definitely make me angry. And I have zero problem speaking my mind.

[inavalan]

Originally Posted by Traveler

I would ...

Has the approach you recommended ever worked for you? In my experience, it would lead to a big fight with words you'd regret after you cooled down.