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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Love & Relationships -Friends and Family

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  #1  
Old 24-05-2022, 04:34 PM
asearcher
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stress, trauma article + more

Like to recommend this article/page Unwanted memories: How to forget them

Further down information about dreams, sleep patterns.

Also how OCD can manifest itself to not like to be touched, something that I can see is in my husband's parent and that he had that too around his first family out in public, would get a strong reaction.

I have of lately processed old memories that were before "forgotten" about a past relationship with a man a psychiatrist thought was a psychopath.

He was someone kind and friendly and gave people impression to trust him. I got to see another side of him.

In real life it is hard for me to find the words when I am being asked about him, the relationship, I only feel it and what I feel is only the tip of the iceberg.

Afterwards it feel as if everything around me is a dream, a kind of fog and I have a kind of detachment to my own reality. I can't say I am tired. I'm just different.

I am wondering if my brain is trying to re-set it self and so while doing that, this is how I get.

People notice this difference to me right away. I can't say that I am thinking about anything in particular.

There has been things that went on that I can't write about.

Personally I think he wanted to break my spirit, that was part of his mission as I was not allowed to leave him and not allowed to think, feel for myself. I was an object to him.

I can't say how long some of the things he did, how long they lasted, but I think it went one level deeper than the usual stress alarm bell play dead.

I was not able to connect with my own feelings or my own reality and while in the relationship it was as if everything around me was like this movie. I kept myself neutral I suppose and would smile when that was called for but I can't say that I was really there and I could not help it.

On the surface we had it all and they would look at me as if I was someone very fortunate to have a boyfriend, later fiance, who loved me like the way they thought he did.

I think he at short period of times, like a minute or two, wanted me to see him for what he was, when he exposed what he had planned, and when that happened I had to embrace myself because the truth of what he had, psychopathy, was beyond words to describe, to take in. He knew he was different, of that I am sure. He did this when I had caught him (not cheating, nothing like that).

I have during meditation experienced that I came across the essence of his spirit and thankfully I have to say he then has a spirit and it felt good like the rest of us at it's pure form. I hope this is true. If true I am beyond relief.

There were layer after layer after layer and so on before I got to feel his essence, his spirit. That is not how it is with others I have felt, experienced. Emotionally I could feel the love of which he was, separate from me and me from him, but that his spirit had it. I guess for some reason, unknown to me, he chose to be born as a psychopath, as they are not made, they are born this way, there is something in the brain they can not help, shape or do anything about, they will be this way til they die.

I know when I first met him I got a very bad feeling of strong dislike, that he was different, but everyone around me acted as if he was a prince or something, and I could not point it out what it was and over a period of time I began to question myself why my dislike for him was so strong. Back then I would never have imagined I would date him or more.

When our relationship was in trouble but he still did not want to let go, which I at first thought, I knew that no counseling, psychiatrist could help us. I only went back to my first impression/s and I knew there was nothing that could be done about his energy. I could not explain that to someone, but I was certain of it. Later on a psychiatrist told me she thought he was a psychopath (and I first associated that with the break out prisoner in the old movie Cape Fear and did not understand or know the first thing about psychopaths).

I've done the whole forgive and forget

Last edited by asearcher : 24-05-2022 at 07:11 PM.
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  #2  
Old 24-05-2022, 04:49 PM
lostsoul13 lostsoul13 is offline
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Great that your willing forgiveness and forget- probably stay in psych for some time yet while you bifurcate and librate your self~

It’s great your husband is different- at least with the worries he would treat you the same are slandered by your past experiences: and your stronger and know what to look out for..

Venting is a really great way of achieving librations.. and freedom—- so feel free to vent..

How ever the therapist knowing the guy was a psychopath just more memories you weren’t blindsided…

Hope you keep strong, fresh and ambiance-

You’ve tackled it well - cool link
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Arabic first language (English)—- bear with me and please be patient)
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  #3  
Old 24-05-2022, 07:38 PM
asearcher
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Very sweet of you to write that, Lostsoul13. Abuse and mental abuse can create over time, repetitive experiences, chronic trauma, different degrees of it, I've learned.

It has also been pointed out to me that few of the things the ex/psychopath did to me goes under the list of what is abuse (Physical abuse). I did not know that. I thought you had to have bruises. I did not have any. No broken bones. Why before it has been important to me to write emotional abuse or mental abuse, not abuse. I think he was testing the waters to see what he could get away with, making my boundaries unclear to see as he would at the same time make me confused as to what he was doing and he wanted that.

I had not been taught what was emotional and physical abuse. I thought perhaps I knew at least about physical abuse. Turns out I didn't. At the time I was trying not to show him that I was afraid, and I thought if I stayed calm and tried to reassure than it would be OK you know. OK. But it was not OK.

Yes I am happy today for the inner journey, improvement my husband has done primarily for himself. I would tell him that when we were split up in the past that he should not do this for anyone else, not for me, but for him, if he truly wants to as I believed he would come out of the process more strong and free than before, not chained down. He is someone so different today. Sure, I wish he had been like that before. That the pain and struggles had not divided us before, that it had to go that far. But he was also someone who was ignoring the problems. He was not used to direct communication. I was difficult to him just because I was honest and told him what i saw, how I read the situation.

I have set my mind that I don't want a child to pay for it's parents sin, of us not having done our inner work but then instead just carried over the old sins.

Last edited by asearcher : 25-05-2022 at 05:42 AM.
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