confusing dream

I had this dream that is confusing to me and would love it if someone knows what it is about and tell me?

I was moving somewhere in the oldish aristocrat, well perhaps it was not aristocrat, but something of the sort of a society as in having parents and home or being the wife of someone or about to be, all sorts of inputs that is. Old dusty dark impression of a home.

The impression I got, the feeling, was that it was allowed, no given, that married couple had affairs and everyone knew the rules and no one spoke of it, a laughter at a party (sick laughter but the person laughing did not realize how empty from within her laughter truly was, she was also holding a glas to toast and I just watched her, I wasn't her), and this was our world, and it was a world to be proud? off. There was a husband? but he did not care what I did and I stayed out of his.

Then I was a child and for us siblings it was not the parents that were the family it was the friends. And we were passed around, neglect.

Then I stood in some room as an adult (female) and from the floor lifted this black rubber material or was it from pavements before drying, and began at my feet, my back and when it was about to enter my forehead I gasped. It is my body, I thought. Only mine. I could not move with the black rubber material coming over me like that, I should have and could have done so before, before it was too late but I just couldn't.

Then shift again. I then saw a fisherman with big whitish gray beard and his face, his skin, told me he had been on the deck for years getting the sun, getting the ice biting, getting the air. He hit with his fist down on the table. I liked him. There was order with him. Simplicity. No moral decay. I wanted to belong to his working class home, where there was truth in the walls. I liked his fist. No more. It was saying no more. Not in my home.

There was this door that looked like some white square biscuit, very real and detailed and above that door was another not door but like a miniature of the proper door, but i have no idea what it was there for, what someone thought when designing that, but I could "hear" as my footsteps walked towards the door, the home, that I walked on pebble. But I never got to the door.

Then there was this shift again. There was this young man who before sat opposite me in a train, we had one coupe to ourselves it seemed. I held a book. Had this fragment of a dream before. He in a sort of arrogant yet allowed way had his feet up on the seat on the opposite place to sit. I did not want it like that if, when someone working on the train would see that but knew I could not say anything about it.

Then I was walking through a living room and he again was there and had his leg like that but on the the coffee table. I held a book in my right hand. He sort of looked as if he always knew the truth of what was really going on but that he thought I was being a character, pretending, holding my book, that he knew I sort of knew, but wanted distance and no part of it. I thought since he is after all my brother? he has to help me even if he ought to be the last one on this earth to have the morally to do so. That he would not do anything for me unless he could gain from it and I could not do it alone. His breathing was more that he accepted his faith, the moral decay, was part of it, like cynical but yet something rebel like about his feet on the train like that and now on the coffee table.

Shift again. He was then leading the way through an upper stair hallway, I have been there before in a previous dream. There was something going on in one of the bedrooms? and he turned around and did the hush sound as I was soon to pass, I still had my book. Still on my right. I don't know what book that was. Felt as if he helped me escape, although him helping me was something I knew was not in his nature. I had a feeling that I thought I would get pretty far before discovery.

There was this glimpse too where he in another scene just looked to his right, where I stood and sort of sighed to himself, for a second, as if saying yes that's my sister and who would want her, while he himself apparently thought he played in a different league of superiority or knew something of the sort, was popular somehow or thought of him as that himself. Like he was really asking himself how was I suppose to live on being my grayish?-self, but that I had confidence in my own way and stood stable. I think we were at some hotel or something and I was about to talk to a receptionist.

Then shift again. There was then I think breakfast time? or some time during the day, eating time, and we sat at a table in the kitchen but the parents? sat to eat if they ate that is in the dining? room. As I was in the kitchen I reached to eat something, and my brother? sort of looked at me, at a glance, then no more, that he was only noting it. I was eating some sort of biscuit.

In another aspect going someplace I could see a reflection of my body and I looked sort of smallish and sort of set, not chubby or well maybe just a little chubby, and I thought to myself Will I be safe then? Will they let me be? They will let me be. I felt safe, in that moment, that they would pass me by. Who they were suppose to be I don't know. Then I woke.

[FallingLeaves]

when i read it i thought of a journey out of darkness and decadence, to something else. the fisherman may have given you a glimpse as to what you are looking for.

there seems to me to be a lot of symbology. The biscuit door that you saw but didn't get to in particular, followed up later by you eating a biscuit, says to me something about you are making progress on your journey.

i also could appreciate that you were carrying around a book. Books being a time-honored way to learn about life lol.

And there were a lot of interchanges with your brother, he seemed stuck in the older ways you had known but was accepting of you changing...

the end has you being currently in a good place, where you feel a modicum of safety. I don't know that that is the end of your journey though

Thank you so much, FallingLeaves for your interpret :)

(God, there were so many shifts in that dream, perhaps more but could not remember.)

[FallingLeaves]

Originally Posted by asearcher

Thank you so much, FallingLeaves for your interpret :)

you are welcome!

(God, there were so many shifts in that dream, perhaps more but could not remember.)

that is actually why I thought of it being like a tour through past life experiences, like a progression from some 'then' until 'now'

yes you are right it was more of a past life regression style only much more visible, clear.

I have always in my life felt wrong placed when I am around people who wants to act superior in a way just because they were this or that or live in this or that home or how they act around others. I think it is the attitude that bothers me that nobody addresses. Like they take for granted they are so and so important and that we should think so and so of them as well, when it is all air. that is all it is. Just pumped up air.

And somehow no matter how I have tried to get out off situations, people like that it is as if I am being reminded of it, draw into it.

It is not the money in itself. People can have whole much more money than what some pumped up money air people might think, but minus the act. can be humble. can treat everyone right. So I know it's not the money.

I also don't like to see what money does to some people and families. With some it takes out the worst in them. Just the worst. They say blood is thicker than water, but seem to me that in a lot of cases, family I have watched, money is thicker than blood. It's just crazy.

I have also seen the kind of pressure, spoken off or not spoken of,f that can be on the next generation. That whole mix of living in someone successful shadow, a parent or parents, the son/daughter both rejecting that and wanting to be like that. I knew someone like that. I think the wanting to be was to prove itself equal the worth and to want to be closer really to the one parent it was living under the shadow off. Perhaps that son felt like nothing if it did not accomplish, did not act a certain way.

I realize too my first instinct when I come into a family and if this family wants me to or no demands me to adapt to their rules when it comes to my own child for instance or my romantic relationship that I at once get this oh-no-kind of feeling. They take for granted the whole group has to adapt to rules that nobody can even remember who began dictating them in the first place and why should they be our rules? Why should they be my rules? I just happened to go from one place to another, I'm still me, I'm still the same. I don't like being told what to do, if I have not asked for it that is.

I know I have broken a few rules when entering my husband's family such as me allowing a child to sit in my lap during dinner time in the fancy dinner area for adults. That was fun! I would never have pushed my child out of there. So young children quickly must have learned they were not allowed. I could tell too by the way my husband would lean down his ear to what a child said that they were not used to this, us being parted like this, and when we began to act as if we always did, at home, we broke rules, as my husband would say so too that the children were over there and the parents, the adults were over there, and it was more discipline, and there was this form of distance. They could have it any way they liked, but I remember I felt my own family almost threaten, that I had to adapt, and I refused to adapt. All this was normal to them, to my husband and I felt as if i was watching a freak show where everyone was behaving strangely to me, but I knew it was normal to them, but even if I would tell myself OK I have to go with the main stream now for at least a few hours, I couldn't do it when it came to a child.

I felt that in the dream, but in a different way. That it was just the way it was and nobody got divorced and everyone had affairs behind everyone's back and so it was and that even if the other social classes were in the every day life, they were even more close to the children, having them in the kitchen, eating, taking care of them more, we weren't allowed to stay, and I think I wanted to stay, if that was now past life related.

There was also this feeling as if there was nowhere to run. Even if money was in the picture (I am guessing?) there was no where to go. I am guessing all these people kept themselves together, and it felt as if I could not go anywhere even as I was physically on a train or physically someplace else. That I would be called back. That I could only stay in my own social class. And I don't know why it was so strong. And I think if that was really me - that felt depressing. And rumor. And image being everything. Have you heard? That kind of thing.

There has been times when I have been up against my narc parent in law pounding it's chest and talking of its success and every possible superficial status there is that of course this parent has not to mention it's grandiose famiglia, when I have felt like leaning towards to say "You have no idea where I've been, do you? You think this is something? Guess what world I left? You know why I too left it? Because it was nothing, that's why. You are no better than me or anyone", but I can't say that of course. Gotta behave.


Oh and there was this one time when my narc in law parent bragged about how good looking and how athletic my husband was and sort of too saying like hey you don't measure up to that, like how did someone like you end up with my perfect son (well I don't know. he must have been drunk??? I must have kidnapped him! I must have tricked him in bed so I got pregnant and now he had to marry me! That is how it had to be!) but doing it in such a manipulative, humiliating way that I just had to sit there and nod and say yes. But I had this urge. I swear. This urge to say "Sorry to interrupt you and all, but you know who I banged before him? An even hotter guy. Yeah. I mean - now we're talking. If you wanna talk hot - I'll talk hot. 'Caus he was so dam hot, that other guy, I mean. I mean your son is OK and all that, but hiiiim....whoah...I get the hots just thinking about him, why did I end things with him, btw? Hum...can't remember".
But i could not say that. I did not bang him BTW, but it would still have been a fun thing to say. Just to see the expression. But no. I'm more mature than that.

Some with old money they don't have the attitude and they don't talk about it and I know that because I used to live there for a period in my life as life then took me there. it doesn't matter.

It is not black and white the whole social class and the people in it, but I guess I don't like it when they try to make it into black and white, when someone tries to feel better about themselves, deserving special treatments on the expense of other people's air that they to are entitled too have, in peace.

[FallingLeaves]

you ended up alluding to what I wanted to say, that there is a mentality where one wants to be 'special' but considers that what one is isn't enough in and of itself. So there is an endless clamour either about having to get material things to prove that one is special enough to have them, or to be something like a good actor or an athlete or something so they can have special attributes. And then there is all sorts of nonsense about what 'being special' is supposed to mean in terms of the treatment it buys you from other people... followed by all sorts of grief if whatever effort they went to didn't buy them exactly the treatment they wanted to buy..

yes just so :)

There can also be this cut in them. Like one I knew he could easy or fairly easy from how I witness get a girlfriend who was impressed by or felt entitled to what she thought was upper class's life style. But at the same time that was empty because him without all that - would she then want him? Love him? And would he really want her or would he in secret hold it against her? Would he truly respect her?

I had an ex where I thought why is he not choosing one of those girlfriends instead? Why continue to try to get my attention?

While in the relationship showered me with many things and the thing was I was not materialistic like that so although I appreciated the wanting to give it was not the things in themselves. It was more about him. That other people think he would be so great because he had given them to me.

Could maybe be so that he resented that he could not buy me like he could have done with someone else. At the same time he must have known that before. But maybe then when it came down to it he was afraid to show his true self and would rather than go back to being Mr Money and get a shallow woman instead and I was then not convenient.