Feeling a sense of dread and defeated

[Golfnut2609]

I do not know what has been going on lately over the last year I have fallen into a funk. I am 42 and always had a very tight family growing up. My mom passed away in 2013... but I still had my dad, brother, aunts and uncles... 3 of my uncles have passed away since then and my aunt just recently broke her neck and is not doing well. My dad is 76 and in good health but the thought of him eventually passing on makes me realize I have nothing left.

My brother moved half way across the country and no one even hears from him. I feel like I failed at my life... growing up I always wanted to have a large family... I wanted kids but a few years back realized my fiance could not have them. I should not be this down... I do not know what the answer is... but I just got a major promotion at work and literally keep thinking what does it matter. I apologize for the rant... If anyone has any wisdom please pass it on. Thanks... I am tired of feeling like nothing matters.

[CosmicWonder]

Hey,

Sometimes the best we can do is be there for ourselves. You have lost the loved and are moving through tough times as how I perceive it. It is not complaining if you try to talk about it to let go. What you are doing with this post is very healthy and a good way of trying to get a grasp on your situation. Sometimes all we got for a first move is speaking up.

I’ve been alone for a few years with no one holding my back. I couldn’t rely on humans or even the spiritual. I felt spit out by the universe. Deeply neglected. But I didn’t give up. I told myself even if the entire universe would conspire against me (which it of course didn’t, and would never do…) I could still have my part of my world. And this I achieved. In ways I did not and now am only beginning to understand, there was bit by bit growing a place where I was meant to be, at least for a while. This place I learned to maintain and protect. I feel as if these walls around me are a part of my body now.

There are sometimes situations bigger than ourselves, but with time, patience and (hard) work, and sometimes talking to a guide or Jezus (/deity of choice) is enough, but we can overcome it.

If your emotions tells them you have lost in life, then talk about it with yourself.. maybe you can give that “loser” part some advice in life? What wisdom do you have for it? Have you let it seen already that the earth is still spinning and the sun is still showing up? That flowers still bloom in spring, the sun still shines in summer, the leaves still fall in autumn and that the snow still falls in winter? And isn’t that sometimes what it is too? Just a new season with new things to notice? What you are experiencing is not only loss, watch for those snow flakes… they exist.

Kind regards,

CW

I'm sorry for your pain. You have assumed, expected your adult life to be like that once you had met the one. I think many of us have this image in our heads. You are fortune that you come from an emotionally rich and loving and big family, not everyone has been blessed the way you have, and it is also then extremely painful when loosing that, one by one. Allow yourself to grieve.

Regarding you and your fiance's situation I know of couples that has split up over this and couples that has remained stronger, even. I do not know what type of love you have and you have to weight the scale what is most important to you, is it a life with her, or is it with someone else that you can have biological children with? It is a choice.

Then there are other options. Surrogat mom and adoption and still stay with her, if she is open to this, of course.

[Native spirit]

I Think most people can sympathise with how you are feeling haven't achieved what you thought you should have.
If you cant have a child Biologically there is always adoption.
this is a discussion you are going to have to have with your Fiancé


Namaste

[AngelBlue]

Golfnut, my heart goes out to you because I know full well what you are going through. I wish I didn't ( and that sounds awful) but sadly I do.
My baby brother is in the same situation as you. He always wanted a family and would have being a fantastic Dad, but his wife is not able to have children. As a result they are parents to 5 dogs and 7 cats.
Also , another close family member had a child , their first , but the infant was very poorly and died soon after birth. The child's parents needed medication and counselling for a long long time. Eventually they tried to have another child, but failed . This caused another bout of seeking help and support from professionals, but at least they did seek help and support. They too have taken to owning pets in a bid to have something to hold , cuddle and love.
The man in all of this is highly successful in his work , which ironically involves working with children . He did not know whether he could ever return to work but he did.
There really are no words to help you with how you feel. I only wish there were.
But your story resonated so much with my own family , plus the fact that I'm Empath , it was like a double whammy and I felt I had to respond.
No-one has a magic wand ( if only) to make everything right for you, but sometimes it helps that you are not alone. There are lots of people out there, or on here that understand what you are going through. And even if we can't help you are never alone.

[Golfnut2609]

Thank you everyone. It always seems to pick up this time of year. The Holiday season brings it out and each year it gets worse. Literally everything in my life has worked out exactly as I pictured it... minus having children to raise. I just got another promotion at work and it seems pointless. What do I need the extra money for... bleh.

[dragoness_crysta]

I can feel your pain immensely, cause I feel the same...

My story is a little similar...

In my job, they assigned me in to a new project with all new exciting things to learn....

However, I have my father in the hospital, not knowing whether he is going to live or die...

Knowing that my mother may be alone at this time, stresses me greatly, let alone the fact that I may lose my father...

I still do not have a family yet and like you I think that I have failed in life because I also wanted children and everyone to be healthy and happy...

My father is fighting for his life and I try to mentally prepare myself for everything...

minutes are like hours and hours are like days...

I try to shake that eerie feeling that I will not have my parents physically with me, since as human beings we are so so accustomed to the tangible...

I guess feeling defeated is all part of a process of "re-inventing" ourselves...
or a sign that something ends and something else begins...

Strangely enough, your last "thank you" reply, was written on 11/11....

So... if you want a sign from the universe that things are going to be alright, then this is it...

Do not give up... all of us here do not... keep it strong, learn to love yourself... it is part of your awakening process...

Kind Regards
Crysta...

[Redchic12]

Ahhh I do know exactly how you feel because I have been in that dark hole as well, about 30 years ago. My friends pushed and pushed me to see a psychologist and was I glad they did. After about 4 or 5 sessions, a course of anti depressants and six weeks later I was like a different person. Perhaps it might work for you.

[CosmicWonder]

Yes sometimes we need support to sort things out!!

[Miss Hepburn]

Originally Posted by Redchic12

.... My friends pushed and pushed me to see a psychologist and was I glad they did. After about 4 or 5 sessions, a course of anti depressants and six weeks later I was like a different person.
Perhaps it might work for you.

Yes! They help to get you over the hump...
then after awhile you can get off them...they are not necessarily forever meds.
They balance the chemistry in the brain.