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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Soulmates & Twin Flames

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  #31  
Old 17-05-2021, 03:13 PM
asearcher
Posts: n/a
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by A human Being
It takes two to tango, the OP is just as responsible for the situation as her boyfriend is. You're making it sound like it's all his fault, and calling his behaviour 'abuse', as you did in an earlier post, isn't helpful.
It may come as a surprise but you, A Human Being and Altair, do not have monopoly on this thread as far as giving advice to the maker of this thread.

I have stayed out of your reply/business to the maker of the thread, but you have not stayed out of my replies to the maker of the thread which to me just shows of your lack of respect.

You don't see me or anyone here roaming about in other threads - or in this one - replying to others that has not even written to them in the first place, with the superior attitude that this "isn't helpful". How dare you? Really? What if any of the stuff you two have written isn't helpful? Ever thought about that? How would the two of you feel if other forum members would write that to you? Who do you think you are?

This is a forum. It is meant to have various forum members with different pespectives, ideas and thoughts - and you should learn to show some respect for them/us. The same respect I have showed the both of you, and everyone else who has written here.

I will use the word abuse as much as I want. You two shall not dictate what word I can use and what word I can not use. You don't have that power over me or anyone else here.

There is abuse in some relationships and one can then not say it is both fault, if one is doing it and the other is not, but the other who's not doing it, was either insecure/low selfesteem when entering the relationship or becoming so, and increasingly so because of the abuse- then you do not stand on equal ground. Then it isn't both faults. That is one taking advantage/abusing the partner, the situation.

Generally speaking to my experience people who has enough respect for others and themselves will not stand abusing, using their girlfriend/boyfriend's serious interest in them when they can't give the same in return, that is like kicking someone who is down. The only crimes the one who is down has committed is loving the other one more and not sticking up for itself.

I've been in the past seeing someone where I was the taker and this was someone I had loved very much in the past, but couldn't at the present time when seeing that person again, but that person still could.

The humanity in me was so that I could not stand myself having this other person string along in hope that I one day might change or for him to be satisfied with the little that I had to give in the meanwhile, and at the time I could not give more, and I wished to God I could have, but I couldn't. I was not there. As long as I was not there - I had no right to abuse him. And I had to be honest, that was the most respectful thing I could do, and say goodbye, let him go so that he could find someone that could give to him what I couldn't and what I knew he deserved.

And we all do deserve respect, by the way.

I would appreciate it if you don't write to me again. I stay out of your business, you stay out of mine.
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  #32  
Old 17-05-2021, 05:03 PM
A human Being A human Being is offline
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Location: Salford, UK
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I don't have a problem with people using words like 'abuse' if there's actually evidence of it, but I haven't heard anything from BunnyJen to suggest that her boyfriend has been abusing her. What specifically has her boyfriend done that you think constitutes abuse?
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  #33  
Old 17-05-2021, 09:56 PM
Traveler Traveler is offline
Ascender
Join Date: May 2021
Posts: 987
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by BunnyJen90
I have a boyfriend who I have been dating for a little over a year now. He's a really nice guy and all, but he doesn't want a more serious relationship at least not yet and our relationship seems more like a friendship to others then a romantic relationship. Maybe part of the problem is he's really shy and introverted. Despite this I feel I can be more open to him than most other people about certain things. It seems though he's afraid to open up to me and others for fear of seeming awkward. However, I really don't find him that awkward and sometimes I wish I had his sense of humor since I'm often too serious. Anyway I keep telling myself that he will eventually want a more serious relationship and that this is just a test of my patience since I can often be impatient. Also I don't want to force him into a more serious relationship until he feels comfortable. I'm not the type of girl to force a guy into a more serious relationship. However I would like this relationship to be more of a romantic relationship then a frienship. My mom even says we are more friends than boyfriend and girlfriend at the moment. My boyfriend and I were good friends for a few years before we started dating, but it seems even though we are dating now it seems we are still only good friends to other people. Also to be honest I would like more attention and affection from my boyfriend, but at the same time I don't want to push it any faster then he is comfortable with. Any advice on how I can make this relationship a little more serious without making my bf uncomfortable and sorry if this post is kind of long.

Bunny~ People can only give what they're capable of and ready to give. This may just be his personality and he just might not be the romantic type. There are other ways of showing love. Have you heard of the five love languages? Words of affirmation/encouragement/affection; Quality of time; Acts of Service; Gifts and Touch. What is his love language and what is yours? He maybe showing you his love but because it's not the same as yours, you may not be recognizing it.

It's also possible that the affection he feels for you is friendship and not romantic. You can't really do anything to make it more serious without making him uncomfortable. I would recommend some open and honest communication about the relationship and where he sees it going. You have a right to know if the two of you are on the same page or not.

I've been where you are. I had a very long (15 years) on and off relationship with a guy I went to high school with. There was a lot of chemistry and passion and I fell hard for him but he just didn't want a committed relationship. I finally got tired of the roller coaster ride and walked away. Afterwards, my husband came into my life. But I had to walk away from the previous relationship in order to be ready to have a relationship with the guy I would marry.

Last edited by Traveler : 18-05-2021 at 12:15 AM.
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  #34  
Old 17-05-2021, 11:02 PM
RedEmbers RedEmbers is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 3,514
 
That is what I was saying earlier, there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a long term and affectionate relationship.

There is also absolutely nothing wrong with NOT wanting a long term relationship, preferring something more casual instead, both are equally as valid.

Where it gets complicated is when people try and inflict one another's incompatible needs on one another. I would use the word "cruel". If one person is abandoning their needs and desires for the sake of a mediocre romantic relationship, nobody wins and at least one person looses a part of themselves in fact.

How about a scenario where, your desires are COMPATIBLE or for the spiritually minded "IN ALIGNMENT" with another persons desires? That is a WIN - WIN scenario.

As Asearcher said, don't sell yourself too short, own what it is that you need and want in a relationship.

Denial of your needs and desires will most likely keep on leading to the same old kind of relationships, settling for less than what you want, in a loop of dissatisfaction.

Ownership of your needs and desires will more likely lead you to the kind of relationship you deserve.


And if you WANT to be more independent and also want to have a loving, connected and affectionate relationship - You can HAVE BOTH - allow the field of vision to expand.


One thing does not need to come at the expense of the other.
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  #35  
Old 20-05-2021, 12:29 AM
Mused Mused is offline
Guide
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 561
 
You dont want the same things
You ask how can you make your rship more serious
he says he doesnt want it more serious...
it sounds like youre not on the same page
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  #36  
Old 20-05-2021, 10:24 AM
BunnyJen90
Posts: n/a
 
I'm starting to see that I was being needy when first posting here. A relationship is about so much more than constantly needing attention and affection. Actually if you ask me a relationship where one needs constant affection isn't healthy. So I apologized to my bf. Luckily he was accepting. In the meantime I feel I really need to do something about this constant need for affection. Yes it's normal to want it every now and then but it's not normal to want it as often as I do.
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  #37  
Old 20-05-2021, 12:00 PM
FairyCrystal FairyCrystal is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 7,062
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BunnyJen90
I'm starting to see that I was being needy when first posting here. A relationship is about so much more than constantly needing attention and affection. Actually if you ask me a relationship where one needs constant affection isn't healthy. So I apologized to my bf. Luckily he was accepting. In the meantime I feel I really need to do something about this constant need for affection. Yes it's normal to want it every now and then but it's not normal to want it as often as I do.
It is very well possibly you tend to be needy, but don't mix it up with not getting what's considered normal in a relationship. You could now also be making up things and taking responsibility because you don't want to end up alone again. In other words, making excuses for him, making you wrong, so you can hold on to this. Which is also needy actually.
It is normal for a partner to show affection. You stated he's not really doing that.
I suspect this is also the reason that people don't see you as a couple. And that wouldn't have to do with you being needy, but there not being this special vibe and chemistry that a love couple exudes.

Of course, I wish you all the best if you want to continue with it.
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  #38  
Old 20-05-2021, 12:43 PM
BunnyJen90
Posts: n/a
 
I do have a tendency to be too needy at times though and I feel as though because of that I was pressuring my bf too much which was wrong of me to do. If he doesn't want a serious relationship right now I should be okay with that. I really think that he will eventually want a more serious relationship, but I need to be patient. I really don't want to pressure him anyway. My last relationship was the opposite and my ex wanted to get too serious too fast and that's why things didn't work out between us. Also like I said it isn't like me to pressure a guy. I don't like it when a guy pressures me so why should I pressure him. Anyway I'm back with my bf and will try from now on not to be so needy and beg for affection so much. There is so much more to relationship anyway. My mom could even tell me that and I trust her advice since she's been married to my dad for 45 years. Of course I think part of that is the fact that my mom was brought up catholic.
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