Bad mental health and accepting it // wish me luck

[CosmicWonder]

Hii all,

First of all, no poor little me atm. Just a serious matter requiring some typing out. No advices needed.

I’ve lost my trust in my caregivers if it’s about capability. Also,
They move in and out of my life. No one could’ve gotten me out of my problems. Maybe it’s just genetic. I have incredible stresslevels, a great lack of capability to let go or process properly. I have autism and some other stuff. Basically I’m bound to a very limited life. They don’t want me dead, so gotta keep going. Going to pick up a little bit of daycare again. Found that very hard. Even if it’s just doing some cleaning on a few days a week. It really seems to break me somehow. But they don’t want me standing still. So gotta keep going. Right now feeling through my situation (feeling through is really something that saved my life from getting 100x worse).

No one can ever fix me. I’m born with this and I shall die with it. I can never see another country anymore, can’t go to any events, can’t do groceries, am bound by some good friends that I can’t feel are good (due to myself). I’m unsatisfied with life because it’s hardwired.

But I can accept that all. And stop being a victim of it. So that’s me stepping away from little poor me again.

Like I said, no advices needed. Nothing works anyway. Only makes me stressed because I can’t do it. How good I’m at with words shows nothing. I have some social capabilities and can use my phone. Some people hold good hopes. However I’m just accepting it all. I’ll go the ride. Hope people can be happy for me and positive about someone struggling to brush his teeth everyday (and I will remain doing it everyday, because that’s the deeper strength I do show. Even though I almost vomit) but can continue his journey anyway. I’ve come far and now realizing I’m limited by specifics of this body is a good start to just ride the ride.

Wish me luck on my journey please. That will help :)

Much love and kindness,

Cosmic Wonder

[Miss Hepburn]

I'm glad you can tell us all this.
You took on a lot being born here...I hear higher souls
decide this before they come here.

[CosmicWonder]

Thank you Miss Hepburn :)

I like to hear that. It’s a nice thought.

Much love and kindness,

Cosmic Wonder

[Native spirit]

I would Echo what Miss Hepburn said but you matter also.
Telling us your story. gives people a better understanding of how you feel

That must have taken a lot to do that so Well done



Namaste

Cosmic !!

I told you many times to "ring me" whenever you need it. Funny how yesterday I was thinking of you. Then again, I didn't ring you up. Sorry for that !

Would it make you feel better if I checked on you on a regular schedule ?

[StrawberryStrudel]

I would speak on the phone some time.

[Anala]

Cosmic Wonder,

I think you are brave!

[CosmicWonder]

So I already finished a part of daycare today. It went well. They were proud. Am realizing that this morning it seemed impossible. Entirely caught up in dreadful feelings. But did it anyway. I hope it now gets easier with time. However every time we try... Well, it's hard anyway. Got a lot to take in lately. But doing it well. It's just a whole bunch of situations and circumstances to accept and go with and adapt to. And having to help out my brain a little.

As for you all, thanks for the supportive messages. It really was hard to open up on this on the forum. I didn't want to sound dramatic as well. But guess what happened? lol.. Didn't intend it dramatic though. Just serious. I got a lot of support, and the fact that I now have to tell no to good people trying to help seems odd to me. But it does seem to be the situation here and now. Also just having to do what is expected.

I remember a past life of mine where I was more capable in the practical sense, but rather confused and moving from place to place. It's a bit vague. Thinking I might've been schizophrenic. Not sure what it was. And in the end lost everyone, seemingly due to some accident or whatever it might've been. It surely felt like my fault. But I'm also getting more certain it wasn't my fault. Rather a meant to be circumstance that ended my life or what it had been there. I still carry that burden with me. What I know best was this situation with a woman who wasn't interested and that I felt I loved her and wanted her to love me back. However it didn't happen. No matter what I did. Got through that lesson again in this life. It was a tough one. Loving one so deeply and not being capable of worthiness. The pure frustration and stress..

The lesson was to keep going and not making it her/other's pain. It was tough.

@Tim, yes know you're here. Just didn't want to open up yet. I have had very much failures lately and loss etc. No dead people, just people leaving my side.

@StrawberryStrudel what do you mean by that? Thanks I do feel you appreciate me.

Thanks all for your time.

[Miss Hepburn]

Keep writing to us.

[CosmicWonder]

Hii all,

I try to comfort myself a bit. First time since ages it works a bit.

Today I suddenly felt like buying flowers. Just to bring some color and smell... But I find it really difficult to achieve.

I'm just feeling so stuck... Every step I want to take, I move into resistance. I don't know how I still manage. I just move through all the feels.

I'm trying to restructure my mind a bit. But have to do it with a lot of feels.

It all just feels so hopeless...

HOWEVER I've stood still far more than this. A year back or so I asked this forum and a few friends to pray to please let me live for at least a year, and then let me return to my lessons. My lessons were so tough, that I couldn't finish them at that moment. God must have heard it. Because instead of the pale emptiness and endless fear and everyday looking at the ceiling, things got moving... Thanks so much for the prayers guys (Also for you Elfin, if you're reading). I don't recall exactly who prayed. Just know a few. It seemed to have brought something in my life for a change. I lost so much lately. But isn't that living? The eternal flow of life. Standing literally still was so surreal. Right now things are more balanced. Giving me that push to finish my lessons later on. Because what I've learned is that those lessons were meant to be somehow... And once I'm through them, I'll be a wiser person. Maybe even stronger. Now a year isn't long, and over before it gets too good. But it's something to get to breathe. Even though it hurts a lot. Being trapped inside your mind is tough. Real tough. Of course I'd like a better life, however help... I don't know what is good or wrong. I just know I'm not a victim at the moment. I've gotten my pause.

Now, the flowers... I'd really like some flowers. In a vase. Just for the color at least. Flowers are wonderful... I'm just so so so scared. I don't know how to walk these 500+ meters and get the flowers. I'm scared people will think I'm weird, odd, off. Maybe I'll meet some dogs, which I'm so so so scared of. Or maybe it will be too much and I get overstimulated. Which I'm scared of too. I'm still recovering from all of the pains I think. These fears are a manifestation of the changes I wish to be. I have to move through the fears.

I don’t know what to share more. Oh yeah, my love life… It’s pretty much alive, but also getting stuck. I have no partner and no one desires me romantically. It’s just the way things are. Belongs to the category of feeling alive I think. I have been rejected a lot already this year. It was tough. But moving through it all. However my love life really is an important part in the being stuck. It’s like a big tie that I can’t loosen up.

Much kindness and love to you all,

Cosmic Wonder