Different way of talking & writing

[energy4ever]

I'm practicing on not talking and writing in ways that make me look evasive and easier to question in some situations. I don't find this easy. My way of talking and writing when I don't try to go This Is How It Is works well for me when dealing with all sorts but not everything and it is those other types of situations I need help with. I have watched my family and ex and brother and others about this. The men talk and write the This Is How It Is way. If I start doing it I fail. I can use an example: My ex would write in text messages to me after our break up the word "Please", for example "Please call me". I remember that was new. Shocking new. I thought has he had a stroke? I also knew if I wrote back "Please" it would mean something else to him. I couldn't do that. When he would speak, write he never came of as submissive, if I did I came off too submissive.

I don't know if it is a male female thing (in my family, circle or general) or Personality thing or a combination. I do not mind the 99% of the other time it is the "This is how it is" way as it has taken away all the unnecessary words, but I do 1% of the time. Then it comes off as I know everything, you know nothing. I can tell that way puts men off too (between them, "Who's this idiot?", "Who let him in?").

How it is now when it is at it's worse is that people think there are gateways in til I become mental. I don't want to have to take it to the extreme.

I look feminine, delicate I'm told, from behind too (my back, neck, I'm told this). People feel safe with me (they've said so. If there is a room of people they will later say they saw me and decided that's where they're gonna sit. I always get asked things by stranger and sure I like to help. I notice they stand closer to me, men, female, the little ones, animals, than with lots of other people, this is people I know, people I don't, but if I want someone not to I don't know how to work that balance out as well to it. Did not think off it til the pandemic. If I take one step back they take one step closer. When I've talked to my brother about it if this is just in my head (me seeing patterns that aren't there) he told me sure it was true, says it's always been this way, "What did you expect?".

I have copied his way of talking but it makes everything go off in all kinds of unwanted directions, only people coming in closer. My brother mixes his humor, sharp edges with the This is how it is. When he does it people get it! He can call someone for example sleazeball and they get it. They don't try no more. It still don't ruin the mood. He can joke and say "Look here, girls", everyone takes it the right way (I go "Oh, God"). There's no stopping him. He's just cruising. He can get people to step back. He can bring them in closer. He can do it without becoming too unfriendly. I want to do that. He did not even need to be there. It was enough people knowing I was his sister. I've lived in this bubble.
Because I had him when growing up he's been the one creating boundaries. I never had to develop this skill myself.
My ex did not get it (my point, that I was serious) til I went completely mental.

How can I not get those eye brows to go up when I do need to talk in the This is How it Works way? How can I find the balance? How can I not come off as too unfriendly when I do?

[FallingLeaves]

Originally Posted by energy4ever

How can I not get those eye brows to go up when I do need to talk in the This is How it Works way? How can I find the balance? How can I not come off as too unfriendly when I do?

I know it is in vogue for females to try to be like the males around them... but...

Personally, I think Ive learned that me talking the 'this is how it works' talk with really anyone on any topic isn't so good. Even at times when I do feel that I might know better it often seems better just to not indulge. Any more it seems kinda limiting to share what I think the limits on life are all the time... better to let people have self determinism to whatever extent they want to reach for it than keep telling them what life is and thus implying what they must do and what they won't be able to do to fit in with whatever plan I happen to believe in this week. And sometimes in response to that, I get the feeling that other people appreciate getting to take care of things for themselves, without me butting in... and then sometimes in response to that, I even feel just so relieved that they had it in hand all along and I didn't have to try to run the show.

[energy4ever]

Thanks for sharing. I think I know what you mean. Few women I know sound super aggressive when they don't need to. I agree. Sometimes people only want to be understood. To air it. Then from there they go to the next step and do their next thing. The problem I've been having before is that I'm too nice but I don't want what I say to land the wrong way but at the same time I have to listen to myself more. Took this up with my brother and he says there's nothing wrong with how I talk but that I have to follow through. Take action. Words and action holding hands. Or else people will take advantage. He says he's been the same way (I agree, he was) in a relationship and it ended with him calling the cops on his enraged girlfriend. That was how they broke up. Talk about bad break up. He said before he aired the problem with her, for years, only he still accepted it. He thought him airing it was him not accepting it then. Hoping she would change. She wouldn't. He did not care if people thought he was wrong to call the cops on her. There were people that had a real problem with this. Having had cops to escort her out of there. The alternative would be him having to physically restrain her. Then he would get the blame for that. He knew she would do that to him. It has to do with our upbringing. About my ex I would wait a long time until I told him about something. A problem. This problem was caused by the life style he loved. He was used to me accepting it. He asked me to give him more time to make changes. I gave that to him. Instead of then changing for the better he changed for the worse. I still stayed with him. I should have left then and there. Then came the moment. The moment I can imagine my brother had with his. When you get sick of not being heard. When it's too late to change (for them). When you get up and leave. You don't go back no matter what. They can say what they want. It's over.
I am going to be relieved to go back to talking like I've always done before. Only remember to join it with action.