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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Love & Relationships -Friends and Family

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  #11  
Old 14-05-2022, 01:21 PM
asearcher asearcher is offline
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AW, thank you Izz :) I'm trying, or at least I am proud to write we are trying (my husband and I) these days.

It has been a matter for discussion though. I know that even other family members, adults, has fallen for the whole glitter show that the narc parent would somehow spare the grandchildren. No, that is not how it works. I would end up in a fight once with my luv after an incident where he had been so used to it, or been so focused on something else he had missed it. The truth is too ugly to realize. Everything is the opposite. that can be too much to take in, and one rather blame one self or think straight away "No, it can't be true", yes it can, and it is.

One thing i would do, I confess, is that I would tell my husband before us seeing them that this is what i want you to watch out for, this is what I see is one of your parent's tactics.

One is to favorite one grandchild and do it in such a way to scar the other one (emotionally).

Another is that as soon as the parents to a child leaves the room, during that short amount of time, the narc will do what it has set up to do al along, it is just waiting for that opportunity, and if given, grabs it.

That happened one time when I had to leave the table, the room, and I was back within some minutes. I did not need to be told. I saw the expression of a child. I knew then.

What had happened that time was that the narc begins something that sound nice and endearing, as if it is a protective grandparent. So it gets the rest of the adults on the train, right? Then you can tell that it then slides into something else, there is a sick twist. This has happened to me before.
The narc parent asks leading questions, I answer them. I know something is coming. Then I know I am in this tunnel, caught in the process, and the outline, the punch so to speak, comes right after you are out of the tunnel which is a pure insult, but if it was said at the beginning people would know it was an insult and react straight away.

But the narc is leading...so half way through I knew OK I am in this tunnel right now, but at least i know it.

There are those who don't know it, they can just feel that something is wrong, but they can't figure out what it is. And some think maybe 2-3 levels down, they don't go like me, I go like 10 levels deep down, I wrap things up and take a good look at them. (This has worked for my benefit work related btw). The "little things" are never the little things, they are the proof of what is really going on. The little breadcrumbs.

Same thing with couples. When one leave the room this is show time for the narc.

Anyways I began to prep my luv and said to him I want you to have your eyes and your ears ready and you can tell me then if I am wrong. What happened was that the narc would play right into my hands (yeah!) and the truth of its tactics was revealed even to my husband. About time. Before when he would tell me he was "shocked" I would tell him I don't know how he could be that considering he had always known this parent.

He agrees with me that no child of his will be watched unattended by the narc parent.

Already he has had to cut in and talk louder or remove a child with him. Now finally he is awake.

It is very obvious to him these days what his narc parent is trying to do to his own child.

He can also tell what happens when the narc parent don't get immediate attention, it then acts out like a wild criminal. As soon as this narc don't get attention, don't get to sit on the throne, then it is show time. The narc parent has nearly completely destroyed children's birthdays celebrations, and I don't know how many others events, and always somehow try to make it look like as the narc is not guilty. That somehow this just happened. So even envious of it's own grandchild getting like 3 minutes attention (for celebration).

If my child says something nice or even "thank you" to the other grandparent the narc-grandparent will then try to make my child feel ashamed because the child did not thank the narc-grandparent first etc and it says these things in such a manipulative way. It has to of course say thank you to the narc grandparent first. The narc grandparent has to come first, middle, and last. It is trying to teach the grandchildren this superior order.

The grandchildren that are favorites are the ones that are manipulated and the ones who let the grandparent shine, the ones that are taught this is the good thing to do, that is putting someone else's feelings before your own, that the grandchildren that has some sort of status that the grandparent can use to make the light shine back on the grandparent because of that.

The others - that are individuals with a strong intact and parents that protect them well, who sees this, are less favored. Still of course the narc grandparent make it all look as if always treating every grandchild the same. No, no, no. Empty words. Good words. Words everyone likes to hear. Makes the narc grandparent come off as this good person, right?

My luv has been quilt-tripped and he has had (still has) one or two of those status the parent could use to make the light shine back on itself. This why all the talk about being "shocked", how come this parent can do it to me then? I guess my luv thought I would be treated the same way just because I was his wife? No, not how it works.

I know that it is a common idea that parents don't think their child's partner will ever be good enough for it's child, but it has been pretty clear I have been one of them. I think the narc grandparent would for sure love to have for instance my husband's ex (she has a status) as my husband's current, instead of me, but this triangulation has worked to some extent, but not in another. It is also the same game the narc parent play with other in-laws to try to place them opposite each other, one favored, the other not.

I think it has made his parents hurt or rejecting or something in a way, as my luv had early on declared to me he lived his own life (before me even). He had set up some kind of wall. One can say he was half-asleep, half-awake.

I think the narc grandparent had wanted to continue to live through him, and would have wanted him to make other decisions, and had difficulty respecting the decisions my luv had been taken even before he met me, or how he was to handle some other situations in his life, regarding his work and love life.

One of the absolute best parts about this has been that the narc parent had actually made up a story (that it calls the truth) where I somehow had a role to play in my husband's life before I even had met my husband!

Somehow something had gone wrong in my husband's life before he met me for the very first time and that was my fault.

What it does is that it takes a little bit of truth and then juice it up with pure sick imagination for a completely different result than what was in the actual cook book. And then expect people to try to defend, explain themselves. Brilliant, I have to say. But also very cruel. I got upset. But what does the narc care about that? It's show time! A normal parent would be horrified, that one loves this, love drama, love to see someone cry, as long as it is about the narc grandparent, as long as it can come off with its manipulation tactic it feels just great.

One time someone was crying. Guess who had to fake-cry ever louder? Like loud-loud? The narc-grandparent of course. To me if not before the narc grandparent came off looking like a baby, and not a cute one. Nobody knew why the narc grandparent was "crying" in the first place. This was not suppose to be about the narc grandparent.

My husband has said that he has always thought that for some reason I have made his narc parent act somewhat nervous, that it never knows where it has me. Good. It shouldn't know.

I am trying to think that I will not ask leading questions to a child but let the child think for itself. i can also say things like if you don't want to say anything then don't its perfectly fine, and I try to also encourage a child to express its feelings, thoughts without me at all saying how I feel or think about a situation or what it now may be. That is in the opposite direction of how the narc grandparent works.

One other thing I noticed that this narc tried to do is that it would try to force down it's own opinion, feelings on to my child and not allow the child to have its own opinion and feelings about it even if that child had just as equal right to have that. When the narc tried to do that I cut in between and said what I wanted to say and I then after that removed the child from it's presence. It was just such a typical incident where I could tell this must have been done to my luv and to the others, so that only what the narc thought, felt was what was forced through manipulation to make the child ignore it's own thoughts and feelings. This why too I so many times have watched my husband in the same room as the narc and realize he is just like this ghost there, there is no him there, I can't feel him. In this fog. Numbed and I know what that is like as I used to get that way with an ex (psychopath).


Last edited by asearcher : 14-05-2022 at 03:01 PM.
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  #12  
Old 14-05-2022, 02:04 PM
Izz Izz is offline
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Yes I recognize those tactics. Favoritism = triangulation, putting you on guard = attempted confusion and distortion. Abusers like that know how to "work the system" and in this case it's structures. The sad thing is how this effects grandchildren too

However you are above such things, you see through those layers and layers and layers of distortions -- thanks to your sensitivity, intuition and your protective nature over your children. And it's good that you and your luv are trying to put the holes in the cycle of the vicious dysfunctional system. "those limiting beliefs stop with me / us." You and your luv complement each other, and that complementary nature would put the hole in that dysfunctional system. Well done

Do self care and absorb the present joys too
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  #13  
Old 14-05-2022, 08:23 PM
Traveler Traveler is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by asearcher
That is too what I am afraid will happen, that the troublemaker/a narc will if get the news of this transform it into something bad, a tool to abuse.

Honestly, it sounds like y'all would be better off if you just cut those toxic people out of your life completely.
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  #14  
Old 14-05-2022, 08:32 PM
Izz Izz is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by asearcher
Somehow something had gone wrong in my husband's life before he met me for the very first time and that was my fault.

What it does is that it takes a little bit of truth and then juice it up with pure sick imagination for a completely different result than what was in the actual cook book. And then expect people to try to defend, explain themselves.

It's that tactic putting one on guard with unprovoked attacks and then blame shifting

Glad you're there for your luv in the sense of you're not letting those tactics and restrictive beliefs get mentally spread for the next generation which will also be for the next, next generation
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  #15  
Old 15-05-2022, 03:49 AM
Justin Passing Justin Passing is offline
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@asearcher - You do realize that this "battle" you have with your "narc-in-law" will never end, right? This person is rather toxic, and contact will negatively effect you and your family. Since having no contact with them isn't a viable option (family), minimizing contact is advisable.

The same applies to your original question I think. You should tell them as little as you can. Minimize what your "narc-in-law" knows about you and your family. Involve them in your life as little as possible. You can't remove your family from them entirely, but you can stay as separate from them as possible.

It seems like you're in close physical proximity to them as well. Perhaps you and your husband might consider relocating somewhere further away? Obviously I don't know if that's a viable option, but it might help if it is.

My mom had a rather toxic sister. Pretty much anyone who had to deal with my aunt wanted to throw her in front of a bus within 30 minutes or so. Often it would take my mom at least a week to recover from one of her sister's visits. I told her she didn't have to put herself through that, and she did eventually end the visits, but continued to talk to her on the phone from time to time. Family's tough to deal with sometimes. Do what you have to do for yourself and your loved ones.
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  #16  
Old 15-05-2022, 04:30 AM
Izz Izz is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Justin Passing
My mom had a rather toxic sister. Pretty much anyone who had to deal with my aunt wanted to throw her in front of a bus within 30 minutes or so. Often it would take my mom at least a week to recover from one of her sister's visits. I told her she didn't have to put herself through that, and she did eventually end the visits, but continued to talk to her on the phone from time to time. Family's tough to deal with sometimes. Do what you have to do for yourself and your loved ones.

Sorry to hear that you went through that

I also think it's important for her luv to have asearcher's influence in breaking that cycle of limiting, restrictive beliefs being passed down to next generation or next, next generation

I know based on observation and experience, even those who distanced physically can still be caught up in certain mental chains. Detachment and a look at those limiting beliefs, stopping their flow is essential too
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  #17  
Old 15-05-2022, 09:06 AM
Izz Izz is offline
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Btw asearcher tried to reply your PM but inbox full hihihi
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  #18  
Old 15-05-2022, 10:03 AM
asearcher asearcher is offline
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Thank you all so very much, I agree with you Traveler, Izz, Justin passing.

Sorry to hear about your mum, Justinpassing, but way to go for her to find that different road to take that works for her :)

This is too also about the whole perfect image.

This is where I feel as if my husband is cut in half, in the process.

For instance when we met and got to know each other I would be open, my family would be open, about some struggles we were having, some problems. He would be sympathetic. He would also be of help.

When he would describe his first family, it was perfect. He would tell me everything was fine. That was good, I thought. I didn't ask.

One time something was not working in his parents home and I said so because it altered a danger for children that were placed there and I wanted them removed from there.

My husband's immediate reaction was that he told me to apologize to his parents because I was rude.

Because of his old ways of just sort of "jumping at me" I was taken by surprise and would at first think oh had i said it in the wrong manner? maybe i sounded angry even if i wasn't, just worried? But I still thought i had a good point to make.

I told him I had no problem apologizing for how I sounded or how I expressed myself, but that the situation was still the same which was that the children needed to be removed, right now (from that area, not the entire home). And I thought that was more important to do first, than to actually apologize.

He was very irritated with me, very entitled, righteous. Everything happened so fast. I found myself apologizing to the parents then. They were sort of silent about it. I did not really feel as if I got a response of any kind.

I have later given this some thought. I know that had I or he expressed ourselves that way in my first family homes, nobody would have thought I or he was rude and that an apology was in place. They would have instead helped me remove the children from that area, it was of a practical manner. I was dumbfound by his attitude and theirs.

I think what had caused his reaction was not only that his family had to be perfect (as he had been taught), but that even the home itself could have no faults to it.

Everything has to be perfect. There can be no "weaknesses". They don't get that their "perfection" and hunt for perfection is what is imperfect about them.
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  #19  
Old 15-05-2022, 11:56 AM
Izz Izz is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by asearcher
I think what had caused his reaction was not only that his family had to be perfect (as he had been taught), but that even the home itself could have no faults to it.

Everything has to be perfect. There can be no "weaknesses". They don't get that their "perfection" and hunt for perfection is what is imperfect about them.

Yes, perhaps a way to point out to him - in breaking certain restrictive, limiting beliefs and its cycle, succession - is that even with these perceived "perfections" and "high standards", the dysfunctional family member practiced inconsistency and double standards. Inconsistency itself, in communication with others (being a poor, inflexible communicator - as fashioned by the dysfunctional family member) is by itself a form of imperfection. See what happens when you remind him of this alternative worldview

Another way - is to inform him that there be occasions in life when we are called to just lean back and "enjoy the fruits", rather than attempt to exclusively fix at the expense of all else. To have fun and joy, warmth as a family unit. That "leaning back, trusting, empathetic" energy can be necessary. It's not wrong to take in the joys in life, esp after you've put in the labor

Last edited by Izz : 15-05-2022 at 09:11 PM.
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  #20  
Old 15-05-2022, 03:57 PM
Justin Passing Justin Passing is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Izz
I know based on observation and experience, even those who distanced physically can still be caught up in certain mental chains. Detachment and a look at those limiting beliefs, stopping their flow is essential too
Oh for sure. Patterns you adopt to protect yourself are often difficult to see and discard once they are no longer needed. But one of the keys is "no longer needed" - hence the distance from the toxic individuals and situations those protections were created for. You need to leave prison in order to be free once again, both physically and spiritually.
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