Hello all!
I hope someone can share their insight, advise me, or simply give me a hug. I need it! The last six weeks have been tough - and it's still ongoing.
Six weeks ago I found out that my mom is very ill. She was not in her home country at the time and first of all I arranged for her to be brought home, which was costly and took time. All the while she was in a lot of pain. I myself live in another continent so someone else brought her to our home country. There she was admitted into a hospital and subsequent tests revealed that she has end stage cancer. She quickly deteriorated since then, especially mentally.
So while the first two weeks were frantic with activity to get her help and to get her home, the last four weeks since the diagnosis I have been going through such a strong inner turmoil I got really ill myself. (I'm getting a bit better now.)
I never would have thought that my mom dying would tear me apart so much. I feel so much love and compassion with her, regrets that we didn't visit each other more often (difficult when you live a 24 hr journey apart and money is tight), sweet memories flooding me, and gratefulness ... and then I get angry as well that she let it get to the point where she collapsed from pain, rather than seeking help earlier. She always tried to tough it out alone. She even lied to me on the phone that she's ok when she was not anymore.
Ever since the word 'cancer' was introduced everyone keeps telling me that I should go and see her. And my inner storm has since included the question, do I want to go? I'm puzzled that the answer wasn't and still isn't a clear Yes. I don't understand it. I don't understand myself anymore. Am I simply in denial? Is something wrong with me?
Others also don't understand me, especially my family back home. One of them has taken the legal guardianship over her and has sent me nasty messages to make me feel guilty while keeping me out of the loop concerning her status. This only muddies the waters, confusing me even more.
I do want to see her, hug her .... but ....
In a practical sense it's extremely difficult for me to travel there. I live in a poor country, just the flight and accommodation/food etc for two weeks would cost us four monthly household incomes. That's money we don't have. We simply can't afford it.
The other thing is that I live in a tropical climate and she is now in a country where winter is approaching. That's a drop of 20-30 degrees C for me. My doctor said it is risky because my health is frail at the moment. I'm very exhausted still.
Maybe there's a deeper psychological reason why I can't decide. Maybe I'm scared to face the reality of her soon not being here anymore.
I just don't know what to do
At the moment I don't think I will go. Scared that I will regret it later.
We talk on the phone every two days. About 10 days ago she said to me "Don't worry about coming! It's okay if you can't. I know your situation." But I still feel conflicted.
Today she was too tired and weak to even talk much. She now has difficulties remembering words and talking clearly ... she might leave soon.
I sent her love all the time. I imagine her surrounded by light, and happy. I sing for her ... I miss her and I know she misses me. She is a very sweet and giving woman. Please send her love and light too.
I feel so sad about this whole situation! Please share your thoughts but be kind, I've had enough bullying the past two weeks. Thank you for reading! It feels good to share here.
What can I say, you are suffering so much, so sorry Tomma. 
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