Have you found therapy helpful?

[ForeverRestless]

While I'm here (and only in the habit of posting every 4–6 months), I wanted to ask if anyone here had found therapy helpful in getting over their Twin Flame.

I've always been resistant to going to a therapist for this issue, because after talking to so many friends about what my experience was with Twin Flame (I absolutely DO NOT use that phrase, though) and the nature of our connection, I found out that this outside the typical realm of human experience, and therefore outside the parameters of any one-size-fits-all psychological solution. Most of the advice my friends have given me about this over the years has fallen flat, no matter how much they want to help. The reason? The response is typically, "I wish I knew how to help, but I've just never had/felt anything like that in my life." They acknowledge that they don't have the tools or the life experience to offer any insight.

And I'm concerned that a therapist would assign a term like limerance or infatuation or obsession or any number of psychological reasons for me feeling this lingering attachment, without truly understanding the extent of my conversations with TF, what he's said and admitted to me, what happened back when we were in the "bubble love" phase, etc.... I mean, do I print out hundreds of pages of WhatsApp/Facebook Messenger conversations and have the therapist read them for evidence that this was not a one-sided delusion? Do I give them a copy of the album he wrote about me and the lyric where he describes lying over the floor over [my name], "drowning in the sea," "wasting away," "waiting for me no matter what," "still bleeding... asking me to just come back and kill him?" I doubt that would factor into any therapist's methodology, and they write off such "evidence" as the patient's misguided need for validation. But without it, I don't think a therapist could get a glimpse into the intensity of what I've had to deal with. I guess I'm distrustful because no one I've found outside of this forum, or Quora, or various Youtube channels, has been able to relate to what I experienced, so I'm distrustful of a therapist being able to relate. However, I think it could be useful to pick up some psychological tools for distancing myself from the feelings of rejection, finding ways to show myself self-love, learning methods for embracing unconditional love and releasing criticism of my real-life partner, leaving the past in the past, etc.

Who here has had luck in therapy, and what did you find most beneficial for managing this TF "pull?" While I accept now that TF and I will probably never talk again, I've yet to make much progress in dislodging myself from the energetic sense of his presence, and it serves as a frequent reminder of things unresolved. (Besides so many other signs and synchs, the numbers, which I try to ignore, have been escalating in the past couple of weeks--seemingly in tandem with a heightened "pull." I've been getting numerous 1111s every day, which used to be very rare.) I need to try something additional because my "closure letter" was seemingly inadequate. If the therapist is convinced that this is nothing but blind obsession--in idea that grates on me--but approaching it that way ultimately helps me process unhealed heartbreak and feelings of abandonment, then I guess I can accept that humbly.

I realize most of you will probably say meditation. Ha. I really need to get into that if I can just teach my mind to settle down enough.

[starstar]

The purpose of a therapist is not to point out and judge “oh, it’s a one-sided obsession”, in fact if any therapist uttered these words, I would highly doubt their professional skills. And you would hardly be the first person they see with tons of messages/letters/love confessions from the former lover (those messages typically dating way back, otherwise person wouldn’t be in the therapist’s chair in the first place). They see intense feelings all the time (again, were those feelings not intense, people would gradually get over them). And your purpose is not to go in and defend your connection or prove that it’s not one-sided, but to manage living your life and actually enjoy it the way it is. You seem to be annoyed that the therapist might assign the “wrong” term to your feelings, and that in fact will invalidate your experience and extinguish the last glimmer of hope for the future. Maybe deep inside you are not ready to let go? Shouldn’t the point of going to a therapist be to actually feel better, live your life joyfully again?

[ForeverRestless]

Originally Posted by starstar

The purpose of a therapist is not to point out and judge “oh, it’s a one-sided obsession”, in fact if any therapist uttered these words, I would highly doubt their professional skills. And you would hardly be the first person they see with tons of messages/letters/love confessions from the former lover (those messages typically dating way back, otherwise person wouldn’t be in the therapist’s chair in the first place). They see intense feelings all the time (again, were those feelings not intense, people would gradually get over them). And your purpose is not to go in and defend your connection or prove that it’s not one-sided, but to manage living your life and actually enjoy it the way it is. You seem to be annoyed that the therapist might assign the “wrong” term to your feelings, and that in fact will invalidate your experience and extinguish the last glimmer of hope for the future. Maybe deep inside you are not ready to let go? Shouldn’t the point of going to a therapist be to actually feel better, live your life joyfully again?

Thanks, your response is helpful. That's a good question. "Am I not ready to let go?" I don't think so much it's that I'm not ready to let go... it's that I feel defeated because everything I've learned in 32 years of life has taught me that what I had with TF is a once-in-a-lifetime thing (if that), and I am struggling to embrace the concept that I'll never feel that way again. I already think my feelings are "wrong." I feel like I'm betraying my partner every time I come on the forum and write about this, but if I don't get the words out sometimes, as a catharsis, they build up inside me and create resentment. What I feel is also "wrong" because the relationship with TF wasn't destined to work out. And again they are "wrong" because he has a partner he's committed to. If he even momentarily entertained the idea of coming to meet me--even for an innocent coffee--when I was traveling near to him recently, that was in some ways a betrayal of his girlfriend, and I'll bet TF feels the same sort of guilt I do (knowing him). Yes, I want to rid myself of all this chaos, if for no other reason than to fully accept and embrace my life with my boyfriend, but I'm afraid I can't shake the feeling that there's something "more." If I say vows to him at an altar one day, I can never say, "this is all I ever wanted," or "you are the love of my life." I wish I could say that, but the love of my life is no longer in my life and I'm making do with what I have, trying my best to be in love, but it feels like faking in contrast to what I felt in the past. Sometimes I wish I could just erase the part of my brain that contains the TF memories... at least then I'd have peace. Then I would be blissfully ignorant.

I do want to move on from TF, the person; I've been so angry at him for so long, what we had is poisoned anyway. I cannot fathom a future in which we could reestablish a real relationship after all that's transpired. But you are right that I am not ready to let go of the idea that my life will contain powerful, all-consuming, divine love. Having that and then not having it is enough to make you feel like you've died. And my only experience of feeling that was through him, so it's difficult to disengage the two ideas. Yes, I know the task is to teach myself divine love for myself, but with that, I don't even know where to start right now.

Sorry for the long stream-of-consciousness response; it's how I usually express myself.

[leader_of_ten]

Thanks, your response is helpful. That's a good question. "Am I not ready to let go?" I don't think so much it's that I'm not ready to let go... it's that I feel defeated because everything I've learned in 32 years of life has taught me that what I had with TF is a once-in-a-lifetime thing (if that), and I am struggling to embrace the concept that I'll never feel that way again. I already think my feelings are "wrong." I feel like I'm betraying my partner every time I come on the forum and write about this, but if I don't get the words out sometimes, as a catharsis, they build up inside me and create resentment. What I feel is also "wrong" because the relationship with TF wasn't destined to work out. And again they are "wrong" because he has a partner he's committed to. If he even momentarily entertained the idea of coming to meet me--even for an innocent coffee--when I was traveling near to him recently, that was in some ways a betrayal of his girlfriend, and I'll bet TF feels the same sort of guilt I do (knowing him). Yes, I want to rid myself of all this chaos, if for no other reason than to fully accept and embrace my life with my boyfriend, but I'm afraid I can't shake the feeling that there's something "more." If I say vows to him at an altar one day, I can never say, "this is all I ever wanted," or "you are the love of my life." I wish I could say that, but the love of my life is no longer in my life and I'm making do with what I have, trying my best to be in love, but it feels like faking in contrast to what I felt in the past. Sometimes I wish I could just erase the part of my brain that contains the TF memories... at least then I'd have peace. Then I would be blissfully ignorant.

I do want to move on from TF, the person; I've been so angry at him for so long, what we had is poisoned anyway. I cannot fathom a future in which we could reestablish a real relationship after all that's transpired. But you are right that I am not ready to let go of the idea that my life will contain powerful, all-consuming, divine love. Having that and then not having it is enough to make you feel like you've died. And my only experience of feeling that was through him, so it's difficult to disengage the two ideas. Yes, I know the task is to teach myself divine love for myself, but with that, I don't even know where to start right now.

Sorry for the long stream-of-consciousness response; it's how I usually express myself.

I've been to two therapists in two states. They were receptive, supportive, though utterly baffled at times. Ultimately both felt that something of the sort had to happen for a reason. I'm a better human being for it, so they might be right. I never came close to expressing myself the way you did here, though I wish I had. This was the consequence of still standing in it at the time, another example of timing being irrevocably off. You've described the reality I exist in. Thank you. It's reaffirming, as you spoke of a side of (fill-in-the-blank-as-you-like) that never seems to get much press, but certainly has to happen. Here, the therapists were helpful, as they were not at all dogmatic, and they insisted that I do the heavy lifting, that no matter how bad I felt it was okay to feel bad. I believe ultimately it is a blessing, the sort that you never know when or where it will manifest itself, good or ill. I'll never have the words to describe how they made me feel. You felt that way, too? I doubt you need to learn divine love. It sounds like it's already within you.

[ssdm1]

I've thought about it, I've even contacted a few therapists and life coaches, then backed out and never saw them. I feel the only thing they would tell me is that I need to let him go and move on. I did that years ago, but darned if he didn't come back after 20 years of no contact.

My feeling is a 3D therapist just would not be equipped to fully understand this.

I'll PM you some info I found today that I may look into.

[Ariaecheflame]

I see a holistic counsellor.

She is great. She also seems quite intuitive.


A good counsellors job is to be a guide to help you find your own personal insights, growth and revelations and it is not to tell you what to do.

It pays to shop around for a good one though
And I personally wouldn't bother going to see one of your not ready to change... But that's just me.

[Seenthelight]

I'm in a similar position - I want to see a therapist but after 10 years of this I have a lot of stuff to explain, so much under the surface. I have explored limerence and whilst I 'get it', for me there is so much more to this that I have experienced and I want to understand it from a spiritual perspective - was even asking myself yesterday where would I find someone who would understand that - because my spiritual approach is unique to me, and not something I even take apart to understand fully myself. The same with this connection (tf/sc whatever).

I found a guy about a year ago, in the next town. He seemed perfect, but it would take me at least 3 hours out of my day to go see him and I don't have that time. Then everything changed for me when my brother died and since then I have not wanted to open up to anyone. I have noticed I have become more into myself and that worries me because I feel like I am losing connections left, right and centre.

Sorry, rambling. I think therapy would be great, I really think I would benefit, but for me, there are so many layers to this (part of the problem) that I wouldn't know where to start to unpick it all.

[ssdm1]

The difference for us is we WANT relief from this. We want to move on, want other relationships, but don't see to be allowed to. We are constantly being pulled back in.

With obsession, limerance, infatuation, the person does not want to move on.

I do believe those of us here have something unique going on that makes seeing a "normal" therapist difficult.

[ForeverRestless]

Thanks, everyone. This has given me a lot to chew on.

I'm also thinking of suggesting a sex therapist for me and my boyfriend to see together; that way I can get better at embracing intimacy with him and he can hopefully hear about how my needs are not being met in an environment that doesn't feel hostile or critical. All the things I take issue with about our sex need to be handled delicately so as not to hurt him and his ego... we're probably in need of a professional's help here.

Since these issues are overlapping, it feels like we should see the same therapist for the same thing, but since my Twin issues are my own and my boyfriend doesn't even know about my Twin, I guess I should be seeing two therapists, separately?

[jro5139]

Hi FR. I don't think a good therapist will stick terms on you like limerence, obsession, infatuation, etc. A good therapist will help you to solve your own problems and empower you. Of course, it will be difficult to find anyone outside of someone that has experienced a tf that will fully understand it. There are techniques though that can be helpful.
Personally, I find living more in the moment to be helpful. Concentrating less on the past or future. This is about training your brain to stay in the moment more, there are a number of things that can help with this. Finding things to do that you are passionate about, whether it's pursuing something as a career goal or as a hobby, or learning something you have always wanted to know more about. Keeping a regular workout routine, keeps your mind focused in the moment while you are working out. And yes, meditation does this too. A lot of people think they can't meditate because they can't slow their minds down but this is what mediation does. It helps to eradicate the mind chatter. It takes practice, but I noticed after I had been meditating for a while, that I had less mind chatter even when not meditating.

Is what's bothering you really about twin or is it that you don't think you can find what you had with him with anyone else? Because I understand the tf connection, but I don't necessarily think that it means we don't have other strong connections. Just because you haven't found that with your boyfriend, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Although I think true soul connections are rare. And I understand watching your twin date someone else and thinking it seems so much easier for them to find someone. Maybe for some, it's just easier to find superficial relationships.
I sort of feel the opposite of you though, the idea of never falling in love again or never having a relationship again makes me feel relief. I am perfectly content to spend the rest of my life alone. I just think about how awesome being single is and all the benefits of it, like nobody telling me what to do, or looking at me funny and not understanding the things I want to do, or the things I watch or the things I am interested in. And I look at my friends who are married, and are not allowed to do what they want to do because their husband said no, and I think, that is not how I want to live.

I understand being angry at your twin. I had to work through a lot of that, and even recently, when things started to fall apart, it would be easy for me to just be angry at him. Because if he had been the friend and support system that he told me he wanted to be, I know I could make it through. But with no support system, it may not work. But it doesn't do me any good for myself to walk around with all this anger directed at him or anyone else. Because ultimately, it only hurts yourself. So you just have to keep fighting through it until you let it go.

The numbers are another thing, I still see them too, in fact recently they have become three digit numbers, so they change depending on what's going on. Now I'm seeing 111, 222, 333, 444, 555, 666, 777, 888, 999 all of them. But if it doesn't mean that any real change will ever happen, then it doesn't mean anything at all. To tell the truth, I'm getting sick of positive messages, numbers, all of it... if no real change in life (not just tf) ever really happens. I'm just feeling really over it all. So I'm right there with you in trying to ignore it.