Jealousy and other people being used?

I understand that jealousy comes from insecurity. To then know it is called for, or has to do with how the person being insecure from childhood can be different.

I have searched, but not really seen others describe a situation such as mine, something I went through in a previous relationship a long time ago.

The guy was a psychopath, as turned out. I used to have lots more blanks, but now remember.

Before we were flirting, dating he was around at these parties I would go to. There were crowds of people there. Many attractive women too. I only thought I was one in the crowd. I did not pay any attention if or if not he paid attention to me. If he did I was oblivious to it. I was not interested. He would later to come to say that he knew that. That did not stop him. This went on for a long time.

Later as we were in a relationship together it got real weird as becoming obvious, his slip ups, that he knew things about me I had only told confident/s in the past. That he knew what kind of piece of clothing I had worn at parties he had not attended and where there were no photograph of online. If I did not know it before I was to learn how well he could work people.

In the beginning of the dating, relationship, he was presenting himself in his treatment of me as Mr. Prince Charming. I remember I thought he can't keep this up. This isn't real.

Once he had me for real, when I had put my guard down, and we had, on his initiative (going fast), decided to one day be married and start a family that was when Mr. Prince Charming went out the window. Like a mask he had worn, and his Mr. Ugly Self was shown. I was treated badly. It was confusing.

On his face expression alone, resting, I could see he wanted or felt he was superior. Even so he could with his charm manipulate people. I was "easy going" by nature, empathic and I realize now easy to mold.

It was as if he had a plan and as if I was in a movie where I did not know my lines, but he knew his.

He would do much right in the beginning; introduce me to family, friends, his hobbies, his work but showed no interest in my life and the people in it if not people we knew in common.

He took no responsibilty, had no empathy if/or when he would do something wrong.

I would say his socalled love for me was not love. He could feel attraction and his eyes could have that type of glow in them as in finding me exciting or cute, but as the relationship progressed I noticed it came to a halt. He could not go deeper. Instead he would in some ways take steps back and allow more activity in his life.

I believe he had just set his mind up what kind of role I would play in his life. Just as he -alone- had decided that we were going to be parents (at an inconvinient time).

I don't know how he would imagine finding the time to be a parent. I have thought some about this. It could be that him having a baby with me would then mean he had me (at home) and could present to the world that he was normal because then he had a wife (if we had married) and a child.

Anyways, he treated me badly. I know now that he wanted me confused. He wanted to break my spirit. Part of the plan. Just a little bit pushed down, but still functioning. Mix that in there. To make one self more vulnerable, confused.

I broke up with him once over something I can't remember. I really can't. Then he began being nice again and pushing for a reunion. I fell for it. So we got back together.

I remember I thought it was a bit odd of him that he did not, like I could imagine a balance/normal guy would do, which was to fight with me over what had made me leave. Instead he was just very much in control. Very nice. Took on the blame. Using words. I can't say his fascial expression gave away to the words he used, they were not mirroring each other.

At some part, when I was back as his, he took out his ugly self again. It then became clear he had planned throughout this scenerio that he was going to punish me over me leaving, that he had not been OK with it at all. That it was my fault. That he hadn't deserved it.

After that there was a more intense project made by him to really get me under the ice.

I had to seek psychiatric treatment while coming out of the relationship because I was a mess. Lucky for me the psychiatrist got what was going on (I sure didn't) and told me he was a psychopath. I was also told I had been mentally abused, a word that had not been in my vocabulary before. I did not go there to point a finger at him and say he was bad and his fault I was this mess. I came there afraid and having been guilt tripped and manipulated enough to know something very dangerous was happening to me mentally.

Had I not seeked help when I did there was a higher risk that he would be able to lour me back. I was at my weakest. He was putting on the same game as before but because it was not working no more, he then increased it one level up, involving other people. I couldn't believe it. He who didn't care about me. Why couldn't he just leave me alone? I would not speak ill of him to anyone. I knew how important his image was to all those people and also I thought nobody is going to believe me anyhow.

I believe some people without this type of experience or the knowledge of don't get - that they break you down in such a way that you never thought was possible. Even if I knew I did not love him. Did not like him. Thought in fact that he was a terrible person. Not just to me. But to others too. Even then - he could do that pull on me. All I got was one little piece of air that he had not thought was enough, but it was, but at the same time it was a very close call. You don't know what is happening to yourself. Still I can see that I was lucky. I was never beaten or pushed or having my hair pulled that I can recall, but he did try to force pregnancy on me and one time it got real obvious.It was an intercourse that started out willingly and then in the midst of the act he tricked me, he had planned it all along and it was then by force. I was ovulating at the time. He knew this.

I had this thing about me that I would not show him my fear. But still it must have shown in my face. When I have later read that psychopath don't recognize fear it kind of make sense they don't know if/when they have gone too far. Plus most important the lack of empathy. Now, I know I score high on the empathy scale but to see someone with total lack of it was just depressing and scary. I would not cry other times. I would talk back, but only so much. When he did the "Shhh..." (something I til this day get chillls by hearing or seeing someone do) I knew I could not go further. He would seem as the winner. He did that when he could not think of something enough smart or funny to say in return. I guess I did it to show- you are not going to get me on my knees so easy, I will stay right here (me wanting equal balance, respect). To others - how would they know? I knew I was playing with the devil. And I knew I was trapped. And there were times when he wanted to return to that kind of talk, but I couldn't.

I believed back then that had any doctor examined me if I had escaped after he had tried to inpregnant me, there would have been no sign of the rape taking place. It would have been very hard for me to prove this in court. He knew this. He was smart.

Considering he too had someone in his past that he had been sexually involved with who would say he never forced himself on her - that would have been as if she stood by his side. She was willing too to return to him if only he would ask. They were both interested to have sex, but she had feelings for him. I was not suppose to know that, but I found out. Both of them said (apart) that it had been before we began dating and that he hadn't been cheating on me. When he described his part I could not help but see how cold and indiffirent his attitude towards her was. She on the other hand I found more human; as in the ability to develop feelings for someone.

What perhaps hurt me the most is that he was to let our baby be conceived in such a way, with such a background to it. That he had no boundries. He had no respect. Etc. Etc. This took place somewhere at the end of the relationship.

We had discussed the possibility of starting a family before. He knew my reasons why I wanted to wait. Instead of respecting those wishes, which were perfectly sane reasons why someone would want to wait, he would be reckless etc.

Somehow I would even feel guilt about what happened. That it was my fault. That I had made him insecure about me because I did this or I did that, that I had asked for us to wait.

He would tell me he would take responsibility no matter what. If, when I pointed out I was in a position where I could not contribute financially.

Other people were of great interest to him. A new person was the best kick for him to show his charms and what not.

There were many people in his life, but at the end of the day when he needed help with something or it was something serious going on it was me that he went to, as if he was all alone in the world. Before that I was last on his list as again the importance of other people, especially new people, was something he rather invest in. There were other "real people" too in his life, such as I, and they were too treated badly. One would think it should have been the other way around if it now had to be like that anyhow.

The kind of normal depth people have to treat family and real friends well compared to a stranger or a superficial relationship was lacking. My guess is that there were lots of those superficial relationships and he liked it that way. Somehow I think it made him feel more important. Power.

What I learned happen throughout and especially as we were breaking up and afterwards, was that he used other people to spy on me, or to give messages to me from him. I dont know how common that is? This is what I have trouble finding. Do anyone know?

I was used to connecting with people, being open and friendly and not thinking about it before. Each time I would connect to someone (male, female, what ever role that person would have) he would intimidate me from doing that again. I had people all around me - but I was alone. I had fear of going home with him. And yet I did not run.

Some time after the break up I carefully began again to connect to people, but then it was under isolated terms where I was sure it was people he did not know.

His or our people would be at me to talk to him, to reconsile with him, they had such sympathy for him.

To me it was as if he painted up a completely different love story than one we had had in real life. And somehow even if he had been the one to tell me to leave, it was as if they genuinly believed that I had left him.

I never told them anything because by then I knew they were either bought or oblivious to the manipulation he was doing to them, and what ever I would say would get back to him and that was what he was after - that connection, that energy. I did not know it then but doing NO CONTACT is just what one should do. So I did the right thing. I would just change the subject and said my goodbyes and take care and all that if, when I met those people. I was to cut them out later.

Looking back I don't know if I was always right about my instinct or if I had developed a kind of paranoia about other people. It got again triggered a while back as I thought of going out on social media but then thought no, I won't do that.

Has anyone else experienced this strange way of using other people like I feel he did? For jealous reasons?

I kind of get this feeling as if I can't get air and as if I am barely close to fainting but then it goes away within seconds, but just thinking about it, how I experienced those types of situations.

The thing with "other people" - that I felt surrounded by them, not knowing who to trust, and a will too to protect people from him (as I knew his ugly self and his capacity) had become a kind of fear that I didn't know if it was paranoia or justified.

During the break up period I got panic attacks. Not had that before. Scary. I had not been able to sleep for too long. I was so afraid of "the people", his network, how far it stretched, that I came to drive a really long way just to see a psychiatrist when it was one around the corner.

On my way there there was panic in my chest. I learned that it would built up, as if there was a legitimate fear somewhere around me that I could not see, and as if was reaching it's climax I had sure enough pull over. I would try to lean myself forward with my arms, hands over my stomach. And just hold on. Til it passed. There was this one time I could not hold it back and just screamed and I could not recognize my own scream. Then afterwards I reached a state where I was suddenly very calm, like it was cotton all around me (instead of the threats I could not see) and then I was exhausted and just really wanted to close my eyes and doze of in some sleep even if I knew that sleep wo uld last only few minutes or so before I was "on" (But not having a panic attack). So I was this way on my way to see the psychiatrist. I can still see the road in front of me. And each time I saw one sign that took me closer. It was as if I had this border in my head. That if I just got past the border he would not get to me or his people would not get to me. But even there my fear thought ...but what if? I had this thing about not wanting him to access my journal - or his people - and not knowing something had happened to me mentally. I thought if I just get sleep I will have to get better.

So even at the psychiatrists office I was not willing to talk about some things. And when they afterwards began to want me to open up more moving into that area - I simply stoped going. And I thought I had moved on. To me he was just so pathetic. And that I could not believe what kind of state of mind I had been in. I was just grateful it was over. I just wanted to move on with my life and I did. With the exception that I have always been very limiting to social media and other ways not wanting to risk coming in contact with him or his people again. Just the feeling of it. So no contact and no photos of me anywhere to trigger him. Even if I have not thought I was "all that", what had scared me when he did try to contact me after years of silence, was the way he did it. The words. It was as if everything had just happened yesterday. It was not done in a careful way, like Hey...how are you?" or something like it.

I'm thinking I have to scheduel an appointment with a psychiatrist. I have looked through pages and a psychiatrists's view on jealousy and there is nothing said there about other people. About other people being used. Instead it is written that they isolate their victims from family and friends.

I was not isolated, the opposite, but still in another I was. I was used to looking people in the eye and be nice, and had an ease, I know now, to connect to people. If, when I did I had been in trouble, if he noticed. I learned this so I was afraid to do that again.

Around others, but not close enough for them to capture any of it, he would too blame me if he went too far and insulted someone, "Why didn't you tell me (warn me)?". So he had understood that I could read the body, facial signs of people to know enough is enough, respect boundries. He could not. That was what he wanted me there for. And too - for representation.

I learned that a strange way that once I did something with my facial expression and normaly it would make people react, they would know just what I meant with that expression, but he didn't. And he had learned to ask. He would mix in with his guestions so it did not seem too off that he was actually asking what does that mean? He wanted words. A psychopath and narcissist has trouble reading facial and body language. Despite of this they are great manipulators. To me that doesn't sound right, but I believe it still to be the case.

What I would do some time after the break up, when I felt I was somewhat safe in my surrounding, is that I would force myself to look people in the eye again and smile, just like I had done all those years before. And just be me. Just relax. Feel them. Connect. Mutual respect. And let go. And not really let that be lost, that trade in me people said they appreciated. But there were times my heart just raced.

I can be that it is not too many survivors of mental abuse that are being taken serious as we tend to eventually develop mental problems from the abuse. That people who have not gone through it simply don't know what dark place that is. They think it is so easy. They have completely missed the point. "Just leave", they say or "I would not accept that!". They don't understand what mental abuse is and the steps in it and what it does. They can stand beside you, they can be in the same very room as when the abuse happen but they may not see it at all. There can be so many layers of this abuse. It can be that the person take a physical hold on you that to the outside look only normal and loving, but you are the one feeling it, and you know it is not. It's a freaking warning.

I am kind of afraid the psychiatrist will judge me as this being simply paranoia. I don't know how to describe what I felt was that his jealousy of me (which he had right away) was somehow used to make other people spy on me, report back to him, know where I had been etc.

I once made a foolish attempt to tell a girlfriend something bad about him and even if she was suppose to be my friend he had manipulated her and she went "That can't be!". I felt like saying "You too, Brutus?". I was all alone. That was the one and only attempt I made to reach out to someone "on the outside" and it was punched down like that. She did not know of her importance. After that I have learned, if I did not know it before, to just listen. The victim may take one step forward, but next minute 3 steps back. I know it can be frustrading. And all you can do is to say "I'm here for you". "I'm here for you any time of the week. I am here.".

One time I knew someone - well she was a stranger but showing me that "behind the glas"-attitude. I always kept saying hi to her. I just kept at it. Other women thought she was thinking of herself to be "all that". I never commented. Thinking if I did anything could be stirred up. Just kept that hi. I would smile at her. I would make sure I stood somewhat close to her. And then one day, when she was in trouble. She came. Was I afraid? Of course I was. But I just could not let her think she was all alone. It was my time to help the way I had been once.

What I had done is that I had few people I had trusted in the past and I had not let them be too close during this period and instead they were "over there". When it was my time to leave after having been kicked out- it was those I ran too. I did not dare to tell them anything. Did not want anything bad to happen to them. But I knew they were my people. MY people. I was forever grateful for their existence.

[FallingLeaves]

Originally Posted by asearcher

Has anyone else experienced this strange way of using other people like I feel he did?

it became obvious at some point my twin has a long 'reach'... but I never really dared question it because I felt I would just be stonewalled. And I have a memory of how bad THAT felt. So after the beginning I just shut up.

My being paranoid was never because of that though, at least not explicitly... more a feeling I've had since an early age that people were just going to be mean to me if I didn't hide in a corner and shut up. The few times I've tried to fight that and let people in they always have been mean anyway that so I guess despite what the drs say about such paranoia on my part was not unjustified... anyway I was mad at her for a long time because I was in a lot of pain but all she would do is sit there watching from a distance... now I'm sad though because I realize after all this nothing can work between us. Wanting her always leads to an early death for me and I'm tired of it so all I can think to do is turn away from the wanting.

But I don't so much mind her watching any more, if that is what she wants to do. Not that I have much choice in the matter lol. Anyway I don't think of it so much any more...

As far as jealousy on her part, I never thought of her that way. But you are the second person to bring this issue up to me... it is weird thinking she may be something other than 'pristine'. Kind of a relief though.

I used to be so very jealous of her though, she seems to have such a nice life and all I get to do is face one horrible experience after another. I'm so used to things getting worse if I try get comfortable that I'm just stuck here sitting, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sigh.

if you read through this, thank you.

It could be insecurity if someone is habitually jealous. But it could also be frustration that someone who's made a commitment to another decides to break that commitment or move away from it by degrees, who wants more freedom which could imply attaching to someone else, or simply share more of their being in a wider circle. People can become jealous of a person taking up a hobby for instance.

It's a sentiment borne by the way our society works. There's really no point in jealousy. You can't own someone else at any level even if the illusion that you can is perpetuated by our institutions, like marriage.

In relationships people diverge particularly if sex happens before they get to know each other as friends. It's very easy to say "I love you" but not "I like you." But then if the prime attraction is physical (in spite of all the proclamations that to the contrary) it might be best to get the sex over with then if, by then, you're real friends, it'll be good. If not; if arguments start, then best to be honest and realise the end is nigh.
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Hi Fallingleaves, I don't know of your situation well enough, but few things you wrote caught my eye. I don't know if your "priestine"'s life is presented as only good, perfect on the surface, a way for her to sell herself as the same, "perfect". No problems. The more people that got loured by my psychopath the better. I think he was high on his own stories, and a perfectly made up story about us as well. That it wasn't true fell off the waggon. It's like people forget too. Amazing.

Truth is nobody's life is perfect and we can have periods of dealing with as you said one thing after another and one then just get prepared, tense, ready for the next thing. Then you can have periods where it is a smooth sail. Either way it is not perfect.

I used to buy into my child's dad's perfection, his perfect first family while I came from a split home. I was envious of it. But just scratching on the surface one can tell why they have all been so busy trying to create that image of perfection, of safety.

It can too be used as a tool to feel superior. Oh, well not really superior even if it comes off that way. It is about the person playing superior is in fact feeling insecure.

I'm guessing you have most likely been rejected as a child during upbringing as you have this fear, or knowing, that people will reject you if you dont stand still in your corner and shut up, as you wrote? If you go to the bottom of it, it will free you and then I think your own image, aura will change and too the people that are attracted to you and too the people that you are attracted too (even if you don't think you are I have discovered I have been mutually attracted to them as well...sigh...What have I been doing, right?).

Even if we don't want trouble and we don't want to repeat our past - we do exactly that, oblivious that it is because something inside of us is still not clear from it. You will just have a different way of handling it once you know and once you have changed. One member of this forum, Iamthat, has expressed it so well in a previous thread of mine, and I went like WOW...had not seen it like that before.

So yes I do believen you are right - you are attracting those exact bums who will treat you badly, who will tell you to stand in your corner and shut up. It is not your fault they are bums and they behave like that, but it is in your power to change from the within. Then you will notice other people beside those bums be attracted to you (I dont just mean attraction as in a romantic way, just wanna clearify that), and you to them, if still there are bums they will fall into the shadows. After all, as sad as it is, there will always be bums.

If I take a quick look at my love life I can see that the serious relationships I was in there were things in common and it is something broken inside of me from my childhood.

I have struggled with if I thought something bad happened during my childhood to then feel guilt because my family did so much for me. So what would be the case is that one signal said "Hey, something wrong here", but the other went to attack right away "But they did this and this and this...", all those positive. Well, guess what, it did not heal the wrong thing they had done becasue the wrong thing was never adressed by them and never dealt with. So it lingered on. And I was not suppose to talk about it. Inconvinient.

I noticed with the psychopath as I was to bring it up with my girlfriend that she reacted like that. I was leading her into understanding how she had herself been used by him and how that had made her feel. And just as she went, at first Oh, youre right she quickly defended him and herself. Not a lot of us wants to be made out looking like fools. We think we are smarter than that. I felt like smacking her across the face and exclaim "Wake up!", but I didnt. I just knew it was a lost cause. She was his.

If yours used her people the way I suspect she had done I am going to suspect it has two sides to it, but each of these sides is for her gain, she will profit from it. Some are just great manipulators. But I would not want to take that with me to the grave, anyways. Not what I want to be about.

I hope you'll be free and fine from this one day

PS I most certainly got through the text you wrote, it wasn't much at all. I mean - look at all I wrote before - and you made it through, LOL. Thank you.

[lostsoul13]

I had to deal with jealous in the form of I was alone on the account- and my twin flame hadn’t manifested...I had to dismiss that I was to be alone , like a bad decision, I had learnt that pain was jealousy and I had to go through pain and that somehow in the flight and fight response was apart of my flame and most definitely apart of my account ...that this deception was going on and some how my flame or account was apart of it- something they manifested, early on in my childhood...that my detachments and imprints were being manipulated some how...I couldn’t for life understand it...it wasn’t until I sat down and thought about it, these things were happing because I wasn’t ready yet at the account- it wasn’t until I was a jumper that my flights &fight was working that I noticed the pain perception and how this had a connection with my flame and the account per say.. Would clear up with pain connections : because I was steadily jumping - and thoughts connections were severed but it wasn’t until then ,that the deception began to stop; but I had all ready taken a lot and been through a lot of pain somehow that: imprint I was more inclined towards, but I couldn’t defeat it..for the life of me I couldn’t understand it’s reality of life...but it was affecting my reality...it didn’t seem fair - it made me question my every day being...my twin flame is a real trophy...we are the same in every divine... we reach for the same goals and our deception are the same wanting and having nice thing in life and this didn’t really come to me until I was a jumper, I had alternatives...I was out of poverty... but it had taken poverty to get there... these were nice things to have but the accounted with pain was a realistic pace that really set me back...I don’t suppose you will go through it and find a complaint that will bring you back to being an adult.. it’s like waking up in the morning, my life leaves me... my life leaves me knowing I some how can’t touch the pain just listen...

[FallingLeaves]

hi asearcher yes I had a rough childhood and see rejection around every corner lol. As far as my twin it was more the way I saw her than the way she tried to make me see her I guess. I guess I'm more guilty of trying to propagate ideas of how she should see me than vice versa, all things told. I guess I'm just used to people using unflattering ways of looking at me as another tool to reject me and I tried to fight it. As if that excuses my behavior lol.

I also saw myself in some of the words you said about your boyfriend as well, wanting to believe stories about things without any regard for the reality of how things were. I'm definitely guilty of that. But I guess in some ways we all do that to a certain extent.

Thank you for your kind words!