Thank you very much for sharing your experiences, perspective.
When it happened with him now a pretty long time ago it was as if I saw his parent work through him. I saw evil.
Even with women in the family he belongs to are close to under weight or are under weight the bully parent will still say things as if it is not good enough. It gets away with everything. Never consequences. It is as if you have entered this game, this play pretend. Having the insight into a narcissist's family has been a terrible experience. Realizing my husband stood with one foot in and one foot out but was simply not strong enough to break free back then was another nightmare.
link: please read 13 ways narcissistic parents sabotage their children by psychology
back before we had gone through our issues and it had taken so much energy from me that i really didn't have.
i t was not really about the weight i had at the current time he said what he did to me. it was about him loosing control and wanted to gain it by shaming me and make me his inferior.
he had been trained to think that only one female body was perfect, only one was presentable.
he was also afraid of not just the physical appearance his parent had taught him meant so much, but his fear of diseases he thought came with over weight and that once it was on it was going to be more and more difficult to loose.
at the end of the day, deep down it was fear.
he had not always been like that but i understand it was in the background and when under enough pressure it got worse.
i have often felt as if i was pulling him one way and his bully parent another.
his other parent takes it when the bully say degrading things, making fun of its body to display. the bully wants control. it has found an acceptable way in by using weight. it can't very well go me too
as that would have been too obvious. but it is the women that are the targets. strong women. normal women. strong girls. normal girls.
i was not raised by weak women. i was not raised by weak men. i never came from a family culture where it was OK to put down how other people looked, where they came from and so on.
i could not have said if i was pretty or a tomboyish one growing up as the people around me treated me the same. I was allowed to be just what i was, how I was. mom would buy these nice shoes she said, 2 pairs so I could change if I wanted to but she said she saw me running barefoot outside the kitchen window. My guess is I had never asked for those shoes and she thought she was doing a good thing, even giving me 2 options, but it didn't help.
I think if one's partner tells you to loose weight it is as if they are thinking they are smart and you are stupid and they are ashamed of you and think they own you and have a right to tell you how you should look to please them. I have been thrown between the states of my self who feels only free and truly loved if allowed to just be me, and that should be enough. And the other wanting to please, vulnerable .
There was one time I remember, a period, when my husband thought i was under weight by his measurement and he was trying to make me eat then.
if and when i was hospitalized he would be there more than i thought anyone could or would. he said he did not want to be no where else.
i cant keep going back if we are to move forward and i can't move on til i know for sure he has changed and i think it's right, only time will tell, and maybe for me to have faith that this time he truly has it. That we will be balanced all the way. Just gotta stop tripping over myself with the bad memories.
it has felt as if nothing worked til the autism diagnose, when everything was put back to place.
one of the things he back in the day said he loved about me was that he felt as if he could always be himself and be relaxed. that was why i did not recognize him when he was masking.
the counseling before was difficult as i felt this or that situation were the same thing but to him they were different and i could not understand if he got one situation why he could not get another, now i know it was his autism, and he was trying but to him they truly were different.
to me back then when he said what he did about my weight it was the same thing as something else we had before talked about, but to him still it was not. I thought he had then got me through all that for nothing, he had learned nothing.
so far so good with his "diet", he is not irritated like before.
all i can do around Christmas is to stand up to what i believe by simply being me. I have thought about pretending like one gave advice on youtube that it is as if you just watch traffic pass you by, that I will just tune out then.
he would after what happened talk as a dad and explain what he had said to me was wrong and that he had apologized.
when i was going through pregnancy he did not once give me a compliment, just silence. i realized back then behind his controlled self he was worried about my health and again saw it as in me getting bigger as a risk. Still I feel grief when looking back and realize how little it would have taken, just a sentence from him, just a compliment, and he couldn't even give me that. I think every woman pregnant should feel beautiful and should have a supportive partner. There was only silence from him. He was good at following everything and taking photos and being involved that way instead.
it is so sick where he comes from: His bully-parent has bullied pregnant women of the family of their physical appearance, weight and also afterwards, and nobody questioning this from his first family, as if it is the right this bully-parent has.
Before, further back he would never say good things but only bad things. I think he was under a great deal of pressure and I think he had sunk into a light depression or something but he did not himself react on it as in him having changed. I would ask him but he did not think so. He could not read his own signals. Today he is very good at reading his own signals. Using language to a feeling and he is not negative no more.
Before his bully (narc-parent) would not let him or the other family members as their feelings was something to make fun of and only the narc's feelings were to be important and true. He grew up with emotional neglect. That and adding autism where some signals can be different he did not know how to put words to it. He had never been taught. Maybe the male-culture too, at it's worst, entrapping the men from vocalizing. I for one have thought it must be more difficult to be a guy, I would have at least - me with all my talk about emotions, ha ha.
I realize the long and bumpy journey he has made, and i am grateful for the changes he has finally made.
there are lots of areas where we have always functioned well with surprisingly few conflicts where maybe other couples struggle more.
I enjoy being with him these days, we make each other laugh, smile etc. I guess me holding on to what he said is my fear because i do not want to be hurt again like i was back then.
he is often these days saying nice things to me, complimenting my looks and/or showing signs, token of physical tenderness.
i am thinking as a mom too - i want any child to understand, respect and love their own bodies and treat others with respect and not accept anyone putting them down. I don't want no child around that sickness and get sick themselves.
I am aware that we have to be healthy role models both as a couple, as parents from a loving view, not just about pure health. We weren't that before when we were unhappy and I finally gave up on us before.
I have spoken truthfully about what I think about all this and I'm thinking that is all I can do. Words are my weapon too, the bully-parent does not get to have monopoly on that. My words weight something too. The way it has worked before in his family is after insults delivered as jokes or something else by the bully parent there was only silence or ignoring or pretending as if you didn't care. I could not do that very well. I think also it gave the bully parent the message it could say anything and not be contradicted.
I truly, truly hate the memory of when my husband was trying to shame me as he was such a copy then by his bully parent, just went right through him. I can only hope that is gone for good.
I agree that being worried and so on for your partner's health but there has to always be a balance and healthy boundaries how one then chose to express one self.
Before all this I just saw weight as weight. I did not see it as something that could be used in a sick fashion like that with people that close to me but I guess anything goes if you are not in a right place yourself on the inside.