what to say or do?

(this is the third version. Yeah.)

What to do, say when you clearly notice that your younger generation's cousin/s are using language as a tool to abuse and feel superior against their own sibling/s. This about looks and weight. Stuff you have heard their narcissistic grandparent say (that you no longer subject your younger generation to be around)?

I have when it is in my own home sat the kids down and had a talk with them and why it is not allowed to speak that way in my home or should be in any home in my opinion or any place for that matter.

I believe the kids are now at the stage where if and when they comment it is not without judgment but the idea of the judgment come from the grown up environment. So I blame the grown ups for this.

I have never been part of any family or seen it in another family before this way of abusing looks and weight - with zero regard to integrity - and this has something that use to be a major issue between myself and my husband and something I finally left him over.

I believe you should eat or try to eat healthy. I however do not come from a family where you talked about looks a certain way. I had a dad who was very much into running and how to cook and did delicious meals (that were too nutritious) and I never ever heard him put someone else down or anything on another human being, it wasn't in him. I have to say the same in regard of my mom and stepdad/s, that I never captured any signs, vocabulary on this.

Because I find my husband's parent's home toxic I no longer wish to be there and if, when the younger generation is to be there I don't want that to happen without my husband present at all times. He has learned about narcissism and become aware and know now what signals to look after. Because he is on the autism spectrum it gets a bit tricky before where he can't recognize some stuff that I can, but it can also be people who are not autistic who would miss this: You just feel that there is something wrong but you can't perhaps in that moment pin point exactly what it is, but it stays with you. And I fear all the abusive words that I hear is going on has now passed on from one generation to the next.

I'm thinking I can only say what I believe in and how I think it should be but at the same time I can't cross boundaries. I am sensitive to this these days because I am fearful how it will trigger my younger generation's system. I use to at times wake up very early in the morning at the sound of someone in the household looking to see how much it weight, that was one alarming sign. When me and my husband split in the past I alarmed the authorities, school nurse, that this kind of talk and behavior was existing in my younger generation's surrounding and that I had tried to fight that off as much as I could in the past and now I had had enough of it.

The kind of degree this is at, if I should use one example is that there has been a risk of a woman who got to be part of the family to place herself and her unborn child to danger because of the bullying of the narcissistic parent-in-law of her going on some crazy diet during pregnancy and working out. The same was once done to me but I ignored it. The way it then continuously goes is that even after a woman in the family has given birth and is breastfeeding her baby the narcissist will in front of everyone call the one out and make "jokes" asking if the woman is still pregnant. That is just one example of many.

There is this sick focus on especially the female's bodies in the family. It must be about control in the end. I come from a family and relatives full of boys, men and have again never heard that kind of talk. It has been a sort of shock to me. The narcissist has found a loop hole in regard of using exercise and food, looks and clothes as a way to abuse. My husband had this fear of obesity and would try to control me, wanted me to be the disciplinarian he was and then finally went too far. The thing I think was one of the hardest lessons for him is that I told him I had no sexual desire or desire at all to be close to him, reveal my body to him as it was clear to me that he saw faults on my body that I did not see, and that I was sure I could find someone else in my future who did not see that either but truly valued me and my body, the way it ought to be between partners and lovers. Before that we had a perfectly good love life that was protected from this. I would also point out to him that I found it sad that he saw faults on his own body that I had never seen like that and that he had always been beautiful to me. That I was in no way not even once going to subject my own body to someone as reckless of his tongue and actions towards me who was suppose to be his wife, and us being lovers .That this is not what I signed up for. This was not about love. That I in no way needed his approval to when and if I would ever be good enough in his eyes. I did not want him near me.

It feels very intrusive and wrong, boundaries are for sure being crossed by the narcissist parent-in-law. They have allowed this nut-case to sit at the throne. It is nothing short but ridiculous to allow a person like that to be there. It is not about lack of respect. This person is not at the position where the other family members choses it to be the way it works in families where there is true authority. What you can also see in these healthy families is that the person at authority is showing every single family member respect. That is what a healthy relationship is about: Mutual respect.

The family tries to hold everything on this superficial level. I can't relax in that sort of environment which showed off early. Too that I noticed my husband got to be completely different when over there and disconnected from me which was frightening enough. This so called "perfect" family, this "superior" family with all their "success" is not at all. There is no emotional attachment between parent and child (now adults) for instance. Because of this toxic environment and my husband being part of it, part of the problem, it got to be too toxic for me. Now I see this play out right in front of me in some of these kids and I think that's incredibly sad.