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Old 24-01-2012, 10:22 AM
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i want to go back home to God is that wrong?

Im so confused what Im supposed to do and how to deal with and what to ask and how to be in my life, because no matter what I do , who I chose I just manage to screw it up.

An example is this. Im happy to let two lovely people be in my home at very low rates for the space they occupy because I care…. But because of that Im short of money. Im also aware that fnding someone to live in the small town I live in in NZ hard to find so you have to understand, that the fact I got a boarder is a bonus. The only person who is single (not a couple so less cost) occupies far less space, and pays the same, yet he is the only one who helps me and ask for nothing in return.

Due to the lack of income I get a live in boyfriend because he offers to supplement the lack of income for food, as the money I receive from benefits is only enough to pay the mortgage and bills on a massive house my ex husband left me with when he left without warning for another women, so he could get half the equity I invested in the house I paid for. Then I find out this BOYFRIEND in terms of his negative energy, is making every one sick ii the house, and is draining me too, so when he leaves everyone is happy, but then Im back to not being able to pay for costs, PLUS almost like clockwork, things start to go wrong where I need help due to maintenance issues, and yet those that contributed to the problem that live here, are powerless or too lazy to offer any help, so again Im left in the situation in my life where its always about me BEING there for others, helping them with their healing, being a shoulder to cryon, being understanding, considerate, and predictably, they are too busy, to self centered to be there to help me and spirit doesn’t seem to be interested to help me either.

Do you know what, this life has drained me of everything I have to give, with so very few rewards. I cant do this any more…… I deal with the same **** on a daily basis most of what other people call stress AND more, yet Im meant to hold it together, and I try so hard to be all things to everyone as I love to help, but when that help isn’t there for me (cos it aint THEIR problem), then I start to give up…… Ive had 46 years of struggle and ( word removed ) and giving so much of myself for others, for WHAT? To keep being left on my own to cope with it all….. I really cant do this any more, Im too old, to tired and too used to being abandoned, by those who ive always been there for when they need me, but they can never find the time or the energy to help me in return. Life is too one sided for me, and when spirit cannot be bothered to compensate in finding someone else to help or give me support, then I really have no time or energy or enthusiasm to keep bothering.

I need to get another boarder now, but because of (my boarders) Jamie’s early morning lung expulsion I cant put somebody in the bedroom next to theirs as it wakes you up. So because of this I will have to give up MY bedroom as its quieter and I therefore have to put up with his early morning lung spasm at 5.30am and be woken up every day as its not fair on someone else paying to live here. Im at course during the day, to get a NZ qualificton so I can find a job (which don’t exist in this part of NZ), Im also studing in the evenings doing a flower essence course as my reiki certificate isn’t reognised in NZ. Im taking care of a 5 year old, who gets up at 6am every day, doing ongoing maintenance on a 450sqm wooden house and 1 acre of grounds, that is overgrown and major work, with no money or support. I cant give the house away as my mother loaned money to me for our immigration costs that needs repaying when the house sells, so Im beholden to her, the joint mortgage Im paying on benefits, and its upkeep with no money to do so.

There is obviously something very horrible or nasty about me, to be dealt such a hand in life for SO long. Ive tried to understand what it is about me that deserves to be shat on so much, and Im still not getting it, so maybe its best if I just go home, to god, not as a cope out, but in order to GET IT, or start again, as my life just seems to go from bad to worse no matter what I do or try to do, to make it easer or better, so Im obviously doing something wrong, and Im not seeing what it is, and because of this, I cant keep getting life crapping on me more and more, because Im not seeing the bigger picture, even though Im trying to, its like being tazzered and before I have a clue why its happening, to even catch your breath and take stock, Im being immobilised by the tazer again.

My son deserves a happy and stable life, a life I didn’t have, but tried to make for myself and my daughter (since age 4 to 19 as my 1st husband was violent), and knowing with my very best efforts to do so, she thinks I did a (word removed ) job, and knowing there is another little person now needing me to do the same, much later I my life, with far less assets/financial stability, family support, or physical ability, is it time for me to finally stop FIGHTING to be there for my kids and let their fathers do the job of raising their child?

As life doesn’t seem to want to help me do that, bull ( word removed ) marital laws in NZ and circumstance just always seem to be there to prevent it, and me from moving forward in any meaningful way. Most people who have had my life would have probably ended it by the time they were 12… Ive kept going with naive hope and optimism, just to be in the same situation but with far more responsibility and problems that I had as a teenager.

I started a course in flower essences three months ago to help others and myself, Ive seen the benefits to others, and some for myself, but the physical responsiblites that just keep piling on despite my effort to strengthen myself emotionally/mentally seem to outstrip any human beings ability to cope….. Ive always believed God only give you the challenges that you are able to cope with…… I have to be honest and say, I really cannot cope any more, as the challenges in my life have been relentless and constant, that Ive hadn’t even had time to take a breath, and I don’t know if I can continue.

So the purpose of all this, is wanting to go HOME so bad? Ive been here 46 years and so far life just keeps dealing me ****, so my take on this is, IM not getting it~ SO IS IT TIME I went home did my healing and learn what it is Ive not been getting all this time? Other healers Ive met in this life time, are either single, have a strong supportive family network, or their kids have grown up, ie NO MAJOR RESPONSIBILITY other than to themselves, Im not in that situation I have been given MAJOR responsibilities and NO financial help, just a money hungry gold digging ex husband, no job prospects, selfish boarders, a house and grounds that needs constant work that cannot sell due to insurance criteria, studying two course to get a qualification and a five year old with learning difficulties to take care off and support, with no financial means to do so.

Sometimes I wish I was more like my sister….. she always believed she didn’t deserve the financially poor childhood she had, and believed she was adopted. She bullied and berated my parents and her siblings forever. But its OK, because her husband makes a living as a con man, so she can live a life style she believes she should have. In fact the people her husband bribes money from so they can afford their lavish lifestyle, they invite around their house for dinner parties…. And last year their victims money paid to send their eldest daughter to Venice for her 21st birthday! Isnt that lovely, while my daughter is still in the UK, doing a degree in civil engineering being deprived of support due to the changes in the student loan laws as its now been privatised and her mother cannot help her in any way because Im on benefits thanks to a gold digging husband, and cant even afford to feed myself and my young son!!! So it makes you think, if someone like my sister who has the lifestyle she has from a thieving husband is so protected in this impoverished economic society, who is selfish nasty and greedy, when Ive spent my life as a healer helping others, and end up being so destitute and incapable of simply feeding your child, when you have years of work experience but you cant get a job because your UK qualifications aren’t recognised in another country, you start to wonder why am I here?

Without wanting to sound synical, Jesus was born to a life of poverty. He knew his purpose and it broke his mothers heart. He felt along, he suffered, and he was betrayed and tortured. Ive was tortured since childhood, at least jesus didn’t have to endure being raped, along with all the other forms of cruelty. His Mother loved and supported him, that was a blessing, his mother wasn’t bring men home to abuse him as a child/teenager. I was tortured by deamons as was Jesus, and like Jesus my angles were also there to comfort me, until I asked God to take my clairvoyant gift back because the night time attacks from deamons, just meant that I had no peace from the day time of abuse I was also getting from my parents. The silly thing is, if my life ended at 30 as did Jesus’ being physically tortured for his desire to help others and being humanly abandoned for it, for me at least it would be the end of all the ****. But my life has just carries on, a constant barrage of people using me, hating me, hurting me, falsely accusing me in a society where you HAVE to pay to exist of 500 a week, outside of food, and FEED a child in your care, something thank God Jesus didn’t have the added responsibility of. It was just himself, a life purpose, and a long suffering mother. Whereas my mother doesn’t give a damn, and my child needs me, to put up with all this **** and be there for him, I just wish I had the strength and ability to do it, ut I don’t any more.

If self centred greedy people like my sister has been able to escape prosecution from corruption and illegal actives to have a lavish lifestyle, and spirit have done little to help support me in my desperate hours of need, when despite my constant requests for a boarder and didn’t get one, I collapsed through starvation and ended up in hospital, when Ive begged and pleaded their help, and yet still find it within myself to help others who need help, I have to ask, why am I hated so much and therefore why do I keep fighting to survive to take care of my son, IF he has a father who is well off has a good job and can take care of him, when spirit and life despite my constant effort, seems to leave me incapable of doing so.

Last edited by Lynn : 25-01-2012 at 05:08 PM.
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Old 24-01-2012, 11:11 PM
Native spirit Native spirit is offline
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Hi GerryGirl,

Well you have written a lot what i see is what i have seen and heard before, you are not alone in feeling like you do that you have all the rubbish whilst others get everything,
you suffer while other have the joy.going back home to spirit is not going to solve your problems,you will leave a small son with disabilities to what he needs you.
im not sure on the benefit system in nz.so i cant advise you but im sure you have a citizens advise there or similar, they can advise you where you can get help from,
if your boarders arent paying you much raise your prices,
i can feel your frustration in what you have written
have you been to see your gp maybe they can help. there has to be help out there for you somewhere,
if your ex husband isnt helping you go back to the courts they cant get blood from a stone
i would advise you to speak with someone who can help you

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Old 25-01-2012, 12:10 AM
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Hello there GerryGirl, Ive just read your post and I can really empathize with you. Dont feel that you are alone in this world because you are not. I too am a healer of kinds and work in the spiritual field and life for me has not always been a bed of roses... I, like you have responsibilities and others that I need to support.

I have no answers for you with regard to your financial situation, there would be no point in me trying as I am sure that somewhere you can find solutions, however you seem to need to find a reason and the strength to continue onward.

The fact that you have a child that depends on you is a good reason, and another good reason is that the world needs caring people like you in it...

Maybe your reason for incarnation is so that you eventually work through your healing issues here on Earth.... You can care all you like for others but you must put your healing as a priority, you must stop putting others before yourself until you reach a state of being 'sorted' yourself. When you do that, you can be sure that what you can give to others will be so much more....

After all, who wants to receive a gift at someone elses expense? No good person wants to benefit from your suffering...So begin your healing process here and try too build up some strength then to deal with your physical financial difficulties...

I DO understand where you are coming from believe me, sometimes in life it seems you try to do all the right things by others and yet you feel so let down personally.... you begin to think as you have with regard to maybe I shouldnt be here or my life would be better..... I too have felt that on occassion when life rears up and throws hard times at you....

There is always someone worse off than yourself, you only need to turn on the world news to see that, and that is what gives me strength, I see people who WISH that financial burden was their worry....

Dont get me wrong, Im not dismissing what you are going through on any count, I fully understand that no matter how worse off another can be, that our hardships always seem worse to us because we are in them....

But my advice to you would be as above, your are a healer, do the necessary healing work upon yourself, find the strength that you show to others and allow it to work for you.... then look at your situation logically and seek out avenues that may assist you financially....

The reasons for your financial block could be many, past life contracts, karma, a wish to come back and resolve something from the past, or just that you need to learn to give to yourself as well as others, as you are important too in this world.

Im so sorry if this does not help you, I doubt it will, but my intention is just to let you know, you are not alone even if it does feel like it at times...

I have faith in all of us as human beings that we can work things out, and I am sure if you want to, you can....

Please except my message with the love it is intented to give.

I wish you all the luck in the world....

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Old 25-01-2012, 12:24 AM
psychoslice psychoslice is offline
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Australia
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No one dies, no one is born, in truth you are already home, you have never left home, you as pure Consciousness made you to live a life so to enjoy your creations, realize this and you will give up the idea of going home, you will realize that you are only wasting your beautiful life you made, you will start to appreciate life much more with this realization, stop wasting your life thinking about where you could be, and enjoy your life where you are right NOW.
"To give pleasure to a single heart by a single kind act is better than a thousand head-bowings in prayer."
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Old 25-01-2012, 01:56 AM
Xan Xan is offline
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gerrygirl... What you are describing sounds like depression to me, possibly coming from your abusive childhood and neglectful family. No wonder you want to get out of here and go home to God.

But here's help to get free of this kind of pain if you'll look for it.

One good method is EFT - Emotional Freedom Technique. http://EFTuniverse.com.

There are trained practitioners around the world who use EFT and other alternative, natural ways to help people like you.

Go within, beloveds. Go deep within to the Heart of your Being.
The truth is found there and nowhere else. -Sananda

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Old 25-01-2012, 10:47 AM
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I understand where you are coming from. I am going through this at the moment. Constant pressure, being a slave to society, scarping by, bills, debts, the lot. Everything i did i would continually get the worst end of it.
Eventually the stress got so bad i started passing out.
After a few times i would have sort of OBE's in this dream like state. Here i became aware of spirituality.

The thing is these things still happen, and yer it gets to me sometimes. But for the majority of the time it doesn't bother me.
As long as i have a roof over my head and food to eat I'm satisfied.
I am about to loose my car and my house, due to being unable to pay the installments, but to be honest.. i really don't care.

I have just taken 3 months downtime to reflect on everything and figure out what is important. And what i realized was, none of this matters. Just take what ever life throws at you. Follow your heart and you will get through no matter how tough the situation is.

The constant pressures and thoughts separate you from your inner-self and you cant let it get the best of you.
When you feel like everything's getting to much, just surrender. Focus on yourself and breathe it all out.

I still want to go home, but i know i must wait, because where here for a reason and have things to do. I hope this helps you even the slightest.

remember Lifes just a ride ;)
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Old 25-01-2012, 12:13 PM
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[quote=gerrygirl]Im so confused what Im supposed to do and how to deal with and what to ask and how to be in my life, because no matter what I do , who I chose I just manage to screw it up.

Its good to vent and let out the things that bother us.. We have to do that and in turn every child of God generally comes to comfort you because 1. they understand and know the walk is not an easy one.. 2. To let you know that you are loved and valued. 3. You are not alone. 4. You may not know your complete purpose and thats because you have many things to do in God.

I can see where God/Spirit is working to help you but, the mindset is so important but, we will come back to that later..

Why do broken people seek you out? They seek you out because we spiritually discern without knowing it so those who are broken see you as a light they may not even understand whats attracts them to you.. and they benefit because God speaks through you.. all though you feel tired and broken in your broken state you are still more powerful than your circle. so know people that may not always have good intentions completely will seek you out.. Never stop loving and caring because you are a guide for them. Do pace yourself and focus your mind you cant stop the trial because theres lessons for you to learn but, you can ask for strength daily to make it through your trials.

You dont want to make a decision to leave this earth because it will be a failed mission for you and you are not a failure. You made a decision to accept the mission so stay on course you will have victory..This is such a critical time because many will not have the gift that you have and you will be needed.. The power god put in you and will do through will be needed..

There are many gifted individuals on this site.. so keep posting especially if your sad or feeling down which is normal we just havent had to experience antything like this for such a long time and we still have to go..You are loved and Valued by God and at times God will make people be for you.

No certain people wont like you and will try at times to make you something your not but, thats darkness/death and we dont pay death any attention because our God is Life.

I encourage to pay close attention to your feelings you dont always have to make yourself last. Attempt to think good things and as soon as a negative thought pops in immediately think something good..This is important.. I do believe help is on the way From the Angels.. Keep an open mind and learn to relax your mind.. Dont watch the world which is hard but, the world doesnt determine things for you- not you God does..

Im available by pm if you want to chat.. really there are alot of good people here that is there for you too.. So smile and never convince yourself that this is as good as its going to get.. because thats not true. Your today is not the best of your life so look to All The Good things to come and the higher levels you will reach.

All The Glory Belongs To God Forever!
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Old 25-01-2012, 02:37 PM
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Read the life of Jesus, then we havn't much to complain about anymore.

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Old 25-01-2012, 02:56 PM
krishna krishna is offline
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Contact me and i will guide-one question at a time.
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Old 25-01-2012, 03:16 PM
Uma Uma is offline
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First of all the one really positive thing I hear in your story is "my child needs me". Hold on to that. See life through your child's eyes.

I recommend you read this http://gentlerecovery.webs.com/ You might relate to her story - and she's a survivor! She now heals other people.

Everything we receive is grace and karma. Learning how to play the game of grace and karma is the secret to becoming a survivor and master of our own lives. That's why we come here - to learn this, not to leave prematurely or else we're sent right back again to go through the whole thing all over again. Do you want that?

I hope you also seek out a therapist who can help you.
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