! Confused a bit !

[ste20man]

I am bi-polar.

I used to refuse my life so much so that it drove me higher than you could imagine.

I spent 15 years in and out of mental units and to be honest it was a very painful time for both me and family and friends. We did the best we could.

I woke one night to know of plato's cave (an analogy will do).

I ran around for a bit telling people I knew that nothing exists.

They listened but I think they gave it the same weight as what had come before.

It didn't matter how many different stories and paintings and poems that knowledge was attempted to be represented because they surely didn't want to know. Especially from somebody like me.

Who would want to have their ego to collapse into "nothing". It's basically death. Or thata is what it looks like I imagine. It happened to me by mistake I tells thee :O). (More rightly it happened - you can't describe any of it because were using words or ideas).

The best thing that has happened is that I am truly happy for the first time since I was 10 -15. I marked it in my diary today. Just 3 days ago I open up fully like I was a child. Like I was before.

I am now at uni and working on a mental health unit. It is my first placement and it is making me face my past, which I wish I could have done many years ago (my brother quite rightly said I mustn't have been ready, or I would have).

I like myself. 3 days, marked. I don't know if it is a slight reduction in my meds or the placement but I am re-remembering my soul. Something. I am in pain every time I walk through those doors. I feel bad every time I leave them behind. I am those people as well as a nurse in training.

I said to this, this thing called life before as I sat down.

I said, even if you become foggy again, even if they jail you once more or even if I might die on this day, at least I have these three days, at least I remember what I am, where I came from.

I am integrated fully with myself and the life that other people see.

I know absolute stillness.

I am at complete peace and I feel so blessed for that. I cannot convey how much.

I have been at war with myself for as many years as I can remember even coming to know what I know. I am free. You couldn't jail me even if you did.

Why?

It is a story if nothing else. No better or worse than any other.

A second chance around.

That's dangerous for some lol. I can see bad a mile away and I don't like it.

I will represent the people like me now. The ones who struggle, cos they do.

I have listened to ward rounds and recently spoke to my own psychiatrist saying to her "If you can't tell me where you were before you existed, who is talking to who here?"

I didn't, i don't need any form of ego win. lol. I understand.

I want to set them free of those wards. I just want to help.

You guys have helped me. I really like you.

You're not a bunch of tomatoes. You're very juicy haha. I am a spaz.

Freeeeeeeeeeeeeeedommmmmmm!!!!!

Well said that man.

Where else do we build from?

Hold no label that weighs you down, not even your name - we don't even exist.

Love you guys, all the best, ste.

[Fairyana]

I love Rupert Spira. He said "Even the darkest depression shines in the light of your own being".