Hi Sweetie!

[FallingLeaves]

his meditations
are pretty good right now
except
he's become unenthused

maybe he is just satiated
sigh
-----------------------------------------------
he doesn't want to teach
any more than he wants to preach
-----------------------------------------------
it is sad
how little she cares for him

but he guesses he deserves it
sigh

[FallingLeaves]

no point
in saying what he thinks
about the latest

he'll just get the kick
when he talks about
how mean she will be
and kick him

but after all
it is the reason
he's always been dissatisfied
with this crazy dance
----------------------------------------------------
it is more that
he's always felt
no matter what he does

she is going to find a way to betray him

and her always
being vague
and disingenous

and always leaving the door open
to being contrary

and always being at such odds with him

never helps him
with his desire
to believe otherwise

so he guesses
he shouldn't keep trying

but he keeps forgetting
in all this
she has simply said
she doesn't like him anyway

stupid addiction/curse

sigh
---------------------------------------------------
as he traded glances
with some pretty girl
in some fine place he goes
all he could do
is think sadly
of how awful
she would treat him
if he aproached her

story of his life
----------------------------------------------------
he's been dreaming
a little

the last one
involved peeing
so he isn't going to elaborate
-----------------------------------------------------
he has read about
celebrities
drinking the blood
of terrified children
for vanity's sake

whether it is true or not
he doesn't know

he's just glad
noone has that brilliant idea
with him
when he is walking around
terrified
-----------------------------------------------------
another fun story
about celebrities
is
they have to sign their soul away
for the right
to join the club

and if they don't
they don't get fame

lol
-----------------------------------------------------
time to go
and take another nap...

[FallingLeaves]

he's said it before
he doesn't see much
when he closes his eyes

he used to be
envious
that others do

he's never tried to fix it
because he is so used to the fact
that anything he does
to try to get something desirable
well that thing will be denied.

which is pretty much
the beef he has
with everyone -

they are always promising him
if he just sells his soul
and does the 'one true thing'
good things will happen.

Then they never let that work.

so lonely sometimes...

[FallingLeaves]

saying
things must be a certain way
that I need them to be
or I will withhold my attention

is something I've been stuck in sometimes

especially with my twin

man was I a control freak!

personally
at some point
I got the message
'don't to be so demanding'

for the moment
at least
I'm also finding out
in any case
that what I thought I needed
is not at all
what I actually needed

but it occurs to me
if I had turned away
what I could have
in favor of want I must have
I'd still be running around
complaining
about being needy...
----------------------------------------------
but I suppose
eventually I'll forget
what I was eventually taught
that there isn't such a thing
as need
in the first place
and then i will
go forth
and be very needy

and probably also
very demanding

once again

[FallingLeaves]

he thought
his celebrity darling
was gonna just throw up her hands
in exasperation
with his silliness...

instead he got a hug

[FallingLeaves]

among the many other
mean things
he had to deal with

he's felt
often
like people just think
he is a big fat liar.

he finally had to get over himself
is learning more and more
it doesn't matter as much as he wants it to
what other people think...

but it is still uncomfortable
to have to assume
he is so misunderstood

and often
he has spent time
trying to dispel
apparent misconceptions

not that others
want anything to do with that
either

they seem to just want to tease him
more than they wish to understand
-----------------------------------------
but at least now he understands
that to god
such things simply don't matter
-----------------------------------------
and really
he feels like
the idea
one has to be valued
by others
in the way one wants to be valued
by others

is just another
bad idea
anyway

it reeks of being controlling
on dependence on others
to do something
they may not wish to do

although admittedly
this idea
is one many others
seem to share...

[FallingLeaves]

Originally Posted by FallingLeaves

instead he got a hug

well
he did get a hug
but then today
his twin was all 'you silly'
chattering on
about how married
that celebrity really is

which he of course didn't know
until the twin took great pains to show him
because really
he hasn't been interested in following
the celebrities life
the way so many others do
with bated breath

he does after all
have his own life
and doesn't need to live
vicariously
through the rich and famous
--------------------------------------------------
but he's not going to try
to wave his hand
and explain the hug away

he thinks
it willl just have to remain a mystery

[FallingLeaves]

he used to be
just so envious
of the abilities
of his twin

at some point though
he had to understand
that that was just more bad behavior
on his own part

people are given their own lives
and to assume one should have
the same life
one sees that another has
seems very human
but anyway just presumptuous

and anyway
it wasn't like
in the end
he was left bereft
without a life of his own...

so any more
he is willing
to accept
she has the life
she has
and he has the life
he has

and just chill out already!

[FallingLeaves]

so
of course
the whole reason
the world is such a mess
is

people could choose
to quit choosing

could choose
to bind themselves up in chains

could choose
to be slaves

could choose death over life
---------------------------------------------------
and left alone
people would do just that
---------------------------------------------------
once the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil
was eaten

there was little choice left
but make us unhappy
and sad
and in pain

until we want to buy into
what everyone else buys into
no matter how awful it seems
to the heart of our own desires

otherwise we would die
and what is the point in that?
---------------------------------------------------
so god messed up our world
and nothing we can do
will ever get it back
to the way it should be

in our memory
it has never even been
the way it should be
so how would we even know
where to steer it?

the only choice we have
if we really do want it fixed
is to quit deciding
we can somehow know best
when that has never worked before
and to follow the path
god has layed out in front of us

people don't want to do that though.

[FallingLeaves]

well,
he keeps going down the road
of thinking
his twin might want him after all.

What stopped that today
dead in its tracks
was the memory
of how rejected he felt
when he was trying to reach out to her
before

and now he is thinking
that reminds him
of the fact
she's spent a lot of time
telling him
that after all
she doesn't want him

so he guesses
it is an insanity
his continually wanting
to paint a picture
of a pretty world
where she actually wants him

he just has to take her
at face value
-she doesn't

sigh