Stuck and confused

[TinaV]

I am in a loving relationship with my husband. We are super happy together and everything has been going great for years. I could not see myself being with anyone else but my husband.

However, I recently started to get haunted by an old memory. Many years ago as a teenager, I was on a vacation with my family and I would use the hotel swimming pool every day. It wasn’t long before I noticed this boy that seemed a bit older than me that kept staring at me. He was always there with his sister and from the conversations they had, I could tell they spoke a foreign language. The eye contact I had with him was very strong and it left me confused at the time.

He tried to pull some manoeuvres to try and talk to me but the foreign language scared me away (ironically, I did pick this specific language in college afterwards but this is unrelated to this incident). We never got to talk, just look at each other for a couple of days until him and his family checked out. That was the end of it.

I have thought about him now and then throughout my life but I never got any info on him and I moved on with relationships and eventually my husband.

Since the past week or so, this boy/man has been haunting me in my dreams and day dreams. I can’t stop thinking about him, although I am happily married and have no desire to be with him.

What is going here? Does anyone have any experience with these types of things? Thank you!

[astralsuzy]

When we think of someone that has happened long ago, we tend to imagine the person is better than they are. You are having dreams about him is because you are constantly thinking about him.
Try and forget about this person. You have a wonderful relationship with your husband and everything is going well. Try to move forward.

Originally Posted by TinaV

I am in a loving relationship with my husband. We are super happy together and everything has been going great for years. I could not see myself being with anyone else but my husband.

However, I recently started to get haunted by an old memory. Many years ago as a teenager, I was on a vacation with my family and I would use the hotel swimming pool every day. It wasn’t long before I noticed this boy that seemed a bit older than me that kept staring at me. He was always there with his sister and from the conversations they had, I could tell they spoke a foreign language. The eye contact I had with him was very strong and it left me confused at the time.

He tried to pull some manoeuvres to try and talk to me but the foreign language scared me away (ironically, I did pick this specific language in college afterwards but this is unrelated to this incident). We never got to talk, just look at each other for a couple of days until him and his family checked out. That was the end of it.

I have thought about him now and then throughout my life but I never got any info on him and I moved on with relationships and eventually my husband.

Since the past week or so, this boy/man has been haunting me in my dreams and day dreams. I can’t stop thinking about him, although I am happily married and have no desire to be with him.

What is going here? Does anyone have any experience with these types of things? Thank you!

A soulmate? A destiny that did not happen? These things come to mind. And even if you are happy - does he get stronger when you go through a problem? The what if...? To me it is not possible to go through a long term relationship as happy as it is without problems, the problems can be a signal in itself just how close one is and that sooner or later it will come, it is how one solve it or at least compromise to the degree that both can live with it that counts.

Too this too could be a sign when you were young without responsibility and just enjoying life, and that was a happy memory for you? Does not have to involve your husband at all.

[A human Being]

Sounds like maybe this chap awakened something in you, but nothing came of the encounter so whatever it was that was awakened in you became dormant, and now something's stirred it back up again for whatever reason?

This is just me speculating, mind, so take it with a pinch of salt The resurfacing of the memory does seem to suggest some sort of unfinished business, though - what sorts of feelings arise in you when you think of this chap?

[TinaV]

Thank you all for your replies! The weird part is that he doesn’t necessarily come back when I have a problem. It is always random. I also have no interest in him. I truly love my husband whom I think is the person I was supposed to be with.

I could see how he awakened something in me but it makes no sense that he keeps coming back in my thoughts and dreams. I do not idealise him. I don’t even know him! The eye contact at the time was very overwhelming to the point I felt nearly paralysed. However, when I think of him now, I feel like a teenager with a crush. I really don’t want to have these feelings. I want to forget and move on but then I feel the same paralysis as back then.

I don’t really think of it in terms of what if. That ship has sailed and I highly doubt I would be happy with this person if some sort of contact had been established at the time.

Perhaps one piece of information I didn’t include before is that I am pregnant and my dreams and day dreams have been more vivid than ever before. It just doesn’t make sense to see this person appear while I am focusing on getting our lives ready for the baby. I don’t want to be a teenager again at all.

Originally Posted by TinaV

Thank you all for your replies! The weird part is that he doesn’t necessarily come back when I have a problem. It is always random. I also have no interest in him. I truly love my husband whom I think is the person I was supposed to be with.

I could see how he awakened something in me but it makes no sense that he keeps coming back in my thoughts and dreams. I do not idealise him. I don’t even know him! The eye contact at the time was very overwhelming to the point I felt nearly paralysed. However, when I think of him now, I feel like a teenager with a crush. I really don’t want to have these feelings. I want to forget and move on but then I feel the same paralysis as back then.

I don’t really think of it in terms of what if. That ship has sailed and I highly doubt I would be happy with this person if some sort of contact had been established at the time.

Perhaps one piece of information I didn’t include before is that I am pregnant and my dreams and day dreams have been more vivid than ever before. It just doesn’t make sense to see this person appear while I am focusing on getting our lives ready for the baby. I don’t want to be a teenager again at all.

I was overly sensitive throughout my pregnancy and I am usually more sensitive so you can imagine how i was, LOL. Just wanna say I feel you, one can go back in the memory lane, think about one's life, a lot happens inside, not just the baby growing but one is at more risk as well, can't explain it but I think you know what I mean. so my guess is this is 100% normal, nothing to blow up in proportion and it will pass after things have stabilised some time after you have your baby :)

[TinaV]

I definitely feel more sensitive now. It is just so weird to me that of all people in my past, it is this specific guy that came back to haunt me. Hopefully it will pass as you mentioned :) I was starting to get worried about this.

[A human Being]

Originally Posted by TinaV

I really don’t want to have these feelings. I want to forget and move on but then I feel the same paralysis as back then.

The not wanting the feelings keeps them in place, ironically - 'What you resist, persists', as Carl Jung said. The feelings that this guy triggered in you aren't really anything to do with him, ultimately, they're all about you, and that his memory keeps resurfacing in you suggests to me that those feelings have remained unresolved all that time. Developing sensitivity in the body and relearning how to feel is very important, it seems to me, because we usually learn over time to instinctively block out what feels painful or uncomfortable, which only keeps the issue locked in place.

[TinaV]

Originally Posted by A human Being

The not wanting the feelings keeps them in place, ironically - 'What you resist, persists', as Carl Jung said. The feelings that this guy triggered in you aren't really anything to do with him, ultimately, they're all about you, and that his memory keeps resurfacing in you suggests to me that those feelings have remained unresolved all that time. Developing sensitivity in the body and relearning how to feel is very important, it seems to me, because we usually learn over time to instinctively block out what feels painful or uncomfortable, which only keeps the issue locked in place.

I hadn't looked into Carl Jung yet but that makes sense. I agree that this is probably more to do with me than with this person. Just strange how of all people from my past, it was this one that came to haunt me. I never really had a conversation with them.

[TinaV]

Originally Posted by asearcher

Ok please TinaV don't take this the wrong way. I am just reading this from my own perspective. I have recently come to the difficult knowledge about myself that the few loves I have had in my life has been the sons of narcissists that in return has in some way or another effected them. Even if these 3 guys were as different as they come - they had a specific kind of exciting energy to them and somehow their energy and my energy was chemical and pulled towards one another, feeling at the time, helplessly so. There were years in between these relationships and these guys were not similar in looks, types, but they had that something, and apparently, somehow, I had that too. Each of them said, not to suck up or anything, but different times throughout the relationships that first time I met them (these guys do not know each other just wanna clear that out, it sounds so dumb when I write they...) it was a moment they could not forget, made a lasting impact. One I just shook hands with at some party and then had no conversation or was physically near that person throughout and would not go out with him when he asked until lots and lots of months later, then becaue he was so persistent, really. Out of these 3 guys he had the most dangerous and I would say negative energy to him even if he was on the polish surfaced seen as someone who treated me with kindness, and gave more than I gave. It was definitely not like him to wait that long to date someone he wanted to date but said he percevered because of that moment alone - when we shook hands. I remember this well, but I remember I felt oh God what is this? and I felt a more negative energy underneith the exciting energy, but I was with time silencing that inner voice of mine. I am going in the more opposite direction from narcissistic trades but then again neither of my parents were narcissists or had much of that trade going on. Either way - it is something going on with that particular energy that when it has happened one feel almost powerless against it.

Sorry for the long background story: The thing is - the very moment you met, when your eyes met, that energy, that one right there, is most likely the energy you are pulled to. Right or wrong? I can't tell. I can tell, though, that it is no sin to just recognize OK - that man has that energy, and then turn your back against it, as one has chosen already one's luv.

I think you were most likely like many women are more raised in the fairy tale when cinderella meets her prince, she will have her fairy tale wedding and her fairy tale marriage, and shall not under any circumstance be attracted to someone else when she loves her husband so. What one then needs to differentiate is that energy is energy, but no more because one will not let it be more than that because one has already made a choice. There is no need to feel guilt or feel confusion because you have not cheated by just recognizing that chemical reaction when you two had when you met that long ago. What you have with your husband is that energy plus the love.

What you also have is a pregnancy.... chances are you desire sexual intimacy more than usual in a period during your pregnancy because of all the hormones and what not, that too is perfectly normal. Unfortunately, It can also be during the pregnancy that your husband is afraid he will "damage" you in some way, or rather the baby, that there will be a kind of protection-barriar, mental such? More tenderness than passionate to be more graphic. That the intimacy will be different than what you two are use to from before and that a part of you miss how it was before when one did not even have to think about being more careful (even if one is not needed to be one can still mentally feel one has to be).

You absolutely do not need to answer any of this, it is not even a question.

I am sorry I get so personal. I am just throwing around some ideas what this could be about. That look of that guy long time ago - sparking that specific energy - and a period in your pregnancy - and a somewhat different love life, mentally.

Either way I still think it will all settle in time.

I understand that this has been a shock to you , that this could even happen, and at a time like this, but I don't think you should be, even though when it first happened to me (during a relationship) I was just as shocked too. I did not act on it. I turn my back. I did not understand how it could happen when I was happy in my relationship and loved my guy. I have actually talked - in general terms - about this with my luv and he was calm about it and said that yes it can happen, but one does not act on it, one do not flirt, one know where to draw the line. And it is OK that these type of energies, that there is a chemical reaction regardless if one is single or not.

(please, please, don't hate me. I find that one can simply not talk to some women about this as they get terribly upset and see it as they cheat even if they don't, this while some men just go yeah, I know, but still don't act on it. So what I think you could have feeling is guilt towards your husband but I don't think you should feel that, that's all)

Hi asearcher,
Thank you for your analysis. I must say that you might be on to something. Yes, it is probably the energy and/or feelings at that moment that I am most drawn to. It felt so strong back then and I have kept wondering throughout my life why that was. I am sure he isn't THAT special :)

These strange dreams and day dreams make me feel as if I am cheating but I know I am not and I would never do that to my husband. We are in a very loving relationship. In fact, our relationship is one of those unlikely events that could have only been made possible by the universe bringing us together.

The pregnancy is definitely a factor. My dreams have been stranger and more vivid since the start. I am also more sensitive. However, I do not really long for the time before the pregnancy, at least not yet. Everything is going well so far. As for a previous love life, all of my past relationships were awful. My husband is the first person I truly love and who treats me right so there is really no reason to dream about some guy that had a crush on me in a hotel swimming pool many years ago. I like your idea of energy. It definitely was just that but I have so much more now in my current relationship.

I am trying to let this go but it is hard. Hopefully things start to settle as the pregnancy progresses.