Not Good enough/Second Choice

I would like to share a past life experience I have had. Anyone is welcomed to join in with me, I would only be happy if you did.

Mine was starting to come in strong with sudden flashbacks, dreams, and then during pat life regressions but even if I got a more complete view of what had been going on during the meditative state there were still questions not answered.

(I did not know then the new phenomen that would start to happen to me - which is that I would dream of a person before that person was to enter my life. My ex had it like that but when he would share that with me I only laughed, I did not know one could have it that way.)

Then one day - behold - I noticed that it was this new person coming into my life at work, not privately, and it was one and the same energies as the individual that had been coming in strong before in my flashbacks, dreams and during the past life regressions.

And I was like: What are you doing here? I know we have many soulmates.

To add to more confusion I was still - and this I was not that ready for - connected to him. Which meant that I had no skin at all against his feeilngs. If he was happy, sad, angry, or before he would get sick (I would feel his symptoms).

I may - and this is only a theory so I would be happy to hear from anyone else about that too - have come to a reason why we did meet again and why it was under those specific circumstances.I'm gonna come back to that.

In that life what came to me was that he had been a married man with someone from his own social class.

I was not from his social class.

We were to live, later as husband and wife, but I still have some doubt we were actually husband and wife.

I think I began, my initial role in his life was that of a servant.

What came in strong was that if and when he got angry with me - I too had a temper in that life so I would react physically - I would throw something at him etc (yes I know - drama - drama). I think it was my way of saying I know you are in position to punish me and you will but I can still do this, I still have my pride, my dignity, and yes - I know what I am (a social class under him) and I am proud of where I come from. That sort of thing.

He would strip me off my priviligues when angry with me and it was all dramatic and traumatic - as he would then drag me (Physically drag me, seem we were both quite physical) right back to what I think was my intial place where I had lived before he priviligied me.

Him suddenly stripping me off my new role that I had in his life to disgrace me this way - made me furious. If and when he did come back to this initial place - I was still furious. I refused to show tears or fear or sadness. He would be calmed down and try the sweet talk. I think mentally for me to be thrown against servant verses his "wife?", second choice, mistress? was really difficult. Mentally breaking me down, somehow.

I could tell I was real timid before our love story had begun as this servant and then timid still if not more when he began to show his interest in me. As a grown woman (I think I even had his child and children, but there was some trauma with that too - I suspect one was taken from me right after birth, and it was just very traumatic, heartbreaking - I have had this scene when I was a child too, dreaming of it, and it is always this strong fear in me that someone is taking my baby and I can't go after). But in the regression of this I did not react. I looked to the side. As if I knew before it was to be taken from me, never to be in my arms. It was the strangest feeling and I think I burried this inside, and then the rage of it, the despair of it, wanting the baby back made me go in my dissapointment, after the father. Could be we were trapped by circumstances why it was taken from me.

As his wife?? or his lady or how I now should title myself - I was still this gentle being who then had my dignity . He had teached me things and I was dressed in a way that no servant was dressed (unless I was in the kitchen I learned, chopping up, then I had different set of clothes, tough work in that kitchen, not like today). The kitchen scene was related to pregnancy, I think, as smelling the meat was too much and I threw up. I think I liked the animals there and then to have to do that afterwards got to me. Then after all that brutality in the kitchen one was to serve it nicely on a plate in a dining room, felt like science fiction or something. By then I had changed clothes.

There was one scene where I was timid and so happy inside of me. I was holding a child in my arms, perhaps 1,½-2 years of age or so, I was outside holding it and this child and I werent too close but in my heart I was but I was still not wanting to squeeze it too much, would maybe frighten it. I saw the husband?/master? walking towards us, it was in the evening. There was a home nearby. It was as if the child had been there al along, raised there from birth - but that it was my baby, or our baby, and we were taking it home now with us. Then it was as if the husband/master was my hero again. I could then feel the same feelings I had felt before when younger and him courting me. When I had been that young I could feel my cheek blush. We would be outside sitting, having what could have been a picnic or only sitting outside in nature, and him looking up at me and his hand carefully on the lower back of mine. That he would treat me gentle, with respect. When our eyes met. That we both had feelings for each other. With those images it was a radical change to when we were fighting.

I was apparently so physical in that life - that I would spit in his face. So one of those times when he did come back to my initial servant place, and before I thought he was to punish me - I spit in his face. I had saved up a lot of saliva just before, ready for him, and then I just did it. I guess I thought I would get punished no matter what. This is going to make me look like the villain but I did not experience him physically go after me, as if there were only threats of it but just the threats made me into some wild animal. He would physically grab me and get me from a to b if and when he wanted and I did not come willingly.

In that life it was as if I felt Yes I am an animal (with the spitting etc, no young "lady") but at least I am honest about who I am - who are you? This I think was because he was not honest about who he really was, about our true nature - our relationship - and he had one image to show the world.

I think he had made me feel not good enough, second choice from his wife who I think had either left or passed away - see - not even she could stand him ;)

My theory of why he and I was to later then meet under these gentle civil circumstances at work - was it to trigger this old feeling I have in this life, not feeilng good enough? My vulnerability?

He would be in a position where he was higher up on the ladder , but as he was still in need of my help - he thought - and this is something some people think just because they are higher up on the ladder - that he would get help immidiately. And I had my own priorities and I wo uld get to him when it was his time, his priority with his case. Simple as that. So he would be in and out of where I was, sometimes I could see his frustration as I kept being on the phone for instance.

I just noticed he would get easily worked up, frustraded. I had another one that I knew in private that was too higher up on the ladder - and this one too expected me to drop everything to please this person - that this person would pass by all the others that I had placed in my priority list. Someone I knew was all worked up about it too - and I said I am sorry but this person has to learn how to wait just like everyone else.

In this life I think he could tell or he would feel quilt about his anger and so he would come again and then he would apologize to me and he would say things like "Im not angry with you" and he would applaude the work I did. I was OK but still I guess it was nice of him to return like that. But it was as if it was so important to him. He would repeat himself. I could see it in his eyes.

I think it was my way of saying we are all equal, there is no one who is second choice?

I had an interest in the wife before me but she was like this secret garden, not allowed to be talked about and I think I put her on a piedestal, as if she was his first choice, and I was his second and it hurt me to feel this way, but I think I did that to myself. He did not do it. I had presumed she was his first choice and had she still be alive or still around he would have chosen her, and not me. It was the ghosts in my mind. I wonder if they could ever talk about it, sort that out, I'm guessing not.

anyways would love some ideas, suggestions, plus I always love to read about others past life experiences.