Care

[FallingLeaves]

Originally Posted by JustBe

I like play on words haha, must be the poet in me..hehe

So I’m seeing that more clearly now, what your expressing, thank you.

So curiously what do you want them to perceive of you?

I suppose I always wanted to think I am perceived as good and valuable. I don't think I really want to play the accompanying roles though sigh. And it does take a lot of energy to even keep thinking about all this!

[FallingLeaves]

Originally Posted by JustBe

If I’m correct falling leaves your post might be speaking about ‘what others think’ of you.

that is it exactly. although like you say this is more a matter of my own perception about that topic...

very difficult to drop it, yes letting go is important but I've found I often can't just let go without accepting first that I have the thing I want to let go of... otherwise it becomes like trying to push an immoveable object...

[RedEmbers]

Cool,

So I am simply free to care then? To own my own caring nature just as it is? No need to worry about why I care if I just simply care? No need to worry about why I decided to help a stranger with their bags at the grocery store if they looked at me and they asked me for help? I simply did it because I care and that care in and of itself needs no back story?

Or the time when someone could see me struggling with my own stuff and helped me carry my own shopping bags to my car?


This feels very nice, authentic and very real. I have often struggled with this part of myself.

[inavalan]

Originally Posted by RedEmbers

... No need to worry about why I care if I just simply care? No need to worry about why I decided to help a stranger with their bags at the grocery store if they looked at me and they asked me for help? ...
Or the time when someone could see me struggling with my own stuff and helped me carry my own shopping bags to my car? ...

I believe that we should avoid acting as if "one-size-fits-all". We should be discriminating, and use our intuition to make our choices, always (!).

Take, for example, this tragedy that happened on Feb 17:

Michigan police charge teen boys in high school honor student Jack Snyder's carjacking murder
Jack Snyder offered boys, who were walking in freezing weather conditions, a ride when they allegedly killed him.
"On this night, [Snyder] was trying to do what he thought was the right thing by offering a ride to these two younger kids walking in the freezing weather," Battle Creek Police Department Sgt. Chris Rabbitt said ... "The 13-year-old and 14-year-old, however, had evil intent, when they allegedly targeted Snyder after he offered them kindness." ...

[Gem]

One of my favorite topics.

I'll admit I'm a 'like' addict on social media.

I've seen it in service at the ashram that people who do the duty will put an extra blanket on the foot of the beds any old how, but people who care do it in particular way so the beds are neater and they all look the same. The former are thinking. 'Put an extra blanket on the bed ends'. The latter are thinking,'When they arrive I want it to be just right so they feel happy'. There's a difference in intent.

I think the best way of conceptualising it is 'giving without expecting anything in return'. Then you can know inside yourself if you expect gratitude or something like that.

If you really care, like for a child or as a care giver, or as a professional in the humanities, or even as a partner and/or close friend, there is a duty of care, as opposed to neglect with potential harms, so I wouldn't disregard duty as a rule. This sort of care generally needs a larger support network or it can become overwhelming.

Another thing people might not like because we like things to be without structure, which never works in reality, are ethical principles, like permission, clear boundaries and mutually agreed roles. Without mutually understood boundary conditions, it's a mess. Usually there is continuous tacit negotiation happening, so these consent based boundaries are clear, but also in flux. Even so, there is a still a point somewhere which is 'don't cross that line'.

In the end, no matter how remote or interconnected the care relationship is, one has to make sure that consideration of the other(s) really leads the way.

Of course, this all assumes self-care, and it gets very sticky because one has to discern where your generosity is just being used up. If that's the case, then the boundaries have to be adjusted. That's a conversation that can never stop. If that one ends or someone in the interaction stops listening, it's gonna turn sour.

[Redchic12]

Gem: Duty of care.

I agree there is a duty of care, when youre getting paid for it.

But being told you have a duty to do something is manipulative. You have a CHOICE not a duty. You either wanna do it cos you care or you don’t because you just don’t want to.

[Redchic12]

Invalan: nice to see that there’s another odd bod out there like me lol

Red Embers: yes I feel that a lot of us just do something for others because we care but for some others they do it for different reasons as Invalan has stated.

Yes that is a sad story indeed. Maybe it was a karmic thing. Doesn’t make it any better tho does it.

[Gem]

Originally Posted by Redchic12

Gem: wanna do it cos you care or you don’t because you just don’t want to.

When we try to find a framework for it, we start to find out that it's doesn't really fit in a box, but there's things like doing your bit, keeping promises, being reliable, 'showing up'. Stuff like that forms obligations with respect to another's needs, but you have to be selective about, are they worth it? Is it really my place to be involved like that? Is it a waste of time (no good will come of it anyway),do they even want me to do the things? And other kinds of question.

[Redchic12]

Yep good points Gem.

I do believe in doing my bit, being reliable and keeping promises cos that’s part of my value system.

No I never feel obliged to do anything (I used to when I was younger).

Yes sometimes you have to be selective especially when it comes to your safety.

[JustBe]

Originally Posted by RedEmbers

Cool,

So I am simply free to care then? To own my own caring nature just as it is? I simply did it because I care and that care in and of itself needs no back story?

Or the time when someone could see me struggling with my own stuff and helped me carry my own shopping bags to my car?


This feels very nice, authentic and very real. I have often struggled with this part of myself.

Sounds good to me.

I think my post was looking into the depth of oneself and noticing why and what motivates you to ‘care’ as you do. For the most part people generally helpful and care in so many various ways in life, but from a deeper growth level of listening to what’s moving inside you so you can care without all those little and big agendas in place.

As an example- my sisters very giving, very caring and one time she tried to reach out to a family member who at the time my sister thought needed her support. The family member actually reacted at her ‘reaching’ in ways she literally tore away one of my sisters biggest underlying motivators. At the time on the surface looking in, people assumed it was so ‘awful’ what happened to my sister, knowing she was such a giving caring person.

Me being close to my sister and more aware of what was moving through this space as one, approached my sister and I saw how upset she was. I remember delving with her ‘making it about her’ and what she let go of, as I could see was the entanglement that needed to break free in her. The family member felt it in her, because she was empathic and sensitive and she didn’t like what she was feeling in her.

So as I watched my older sister let go, I saw some old projections that she had to step into and let go of.

Most people don’t see this stuff. I know most looking into this judged the family member as being rude and ‘wrong’. Yet in my view she gave my sister exactly what she needed in that exchange.

This is about truth deeper of course, but you have to look and notice such things and stop believing your motivations are always coming from a polished halo.. lol


You can put your stuff in the shelf to support others but eventually some one will come along and say ‘it’s time’ to look at those contents. Someone or a few people in my sisters case.

That’s just one scenario.

Like falling leaves is showing, that whole ‘I want others to perceive me as good and nice’ or similar.

Me, I am more interested in seeing things truthfully from an inward related perspective regardless of the others motivations. So I’m clear in my intent being me, in all ways of life’s interactions.

We as humans have to take full responsibility in our lives no matter what comes at us. Just because somethings good and gold in our eyes and everyone else’s, life’s teachers us and show us otherwise.. shows us more of ourselves in this light.

Reminds me of those annoying parents who hound their children to say thank you and please. The undertone of ‘you must’ creates such a skewed projection into children. That’s not modelling loving care. That simply sets up demand and expectation on children, who don’t learn from authentic modelling that is natural and spontaneous as itself.