You guys have no idea how welcomed I feel since I've become a member (a few days ago) and how less-reluctant I am about talking about my experiences with this particular life-time (if it was mine, if it wasn't who knows?)
Native Spirit mentioned that maybe a past life regression would help. As I have mentioned earlier, I don't have a lot of money (and those can rank in the $$$) so what I've tried to do (lately at least) is watch regression videos. I've watched a few (years ago) and sometimes they jog things from the soul - other times I don't get anything. I think it's because I've have (on some occasions) wanted something to come up so badly that I tried to force it and that's
never a good idea. Sometimes nothing comes up, and sometimes you regret forcing whatever does come to the surface. So I've learned not to force things and just let things come as they will. I think that's a good mantra to live by haha.
I've mentioned the cartomancy reading and also the regression (of sorts) I had in my friend's roommate's living-room (the girl-friend of the roommate is clairvoyant) - also that was a mouthful haha. This morning I tried to think of the regression video experiences I've had (years ago) and some more recently. One sticks out in my mind, and after going through the experience I took pencil to paper and drew what I remembered from it.
In this regression video experience, you are told by the narrator to walk along a beach and you are counting down from 1 to 100 (I never got to 100 - or maybe I did - it's been a while) All the numbers after each one is called out, they disappear as you walk across them into the sand. At the end of the beach was a long, spiraling staircase of stone and the narrator told me that from 1-10 as he counted, I'd go deeper and deeper and finally meet with a large door.
Opening the door I found myself in a beautiful forest (which seems to be the theme in most of these regression videos?) and there were lots of flowers, and a lot of greenery. Tall, canopied trees over head. The narrator told me to just walk and take the beautiful scenery in. So I did, and he asked me to keep walking and that I'd find another staircase, leading up and around one of these
very tall trees. I'm afraid of heights but I was okay and felt safe during the experience. So I climbed and after climbing to the very top I saw a platform, and at the platform the narrator told me to enter the tree house before me. I did, and I immediately noticed the room I was in. It was a room that Alexei always frequented. The narrator told me this was my safe place and I could return to it at any time if I needed to. After walking around the room, the narrator told me to go outside and there I would find a platform/balcony. From there, I got into a hanging... carriage? Think those cable cars that ride up the sides of mountains where people go skiing.
Anyways, so I got into this carriage and noticed right away it was decked out very ornately. It had white plumes at each corner, and was gilded. The inside was ornate as well. I instinctively knew why the carriage looked like this, and the narrator told me it would take me up to the very, very top of the canopy of trees. He said to look around, and to also take notice to see if I my clothes were different. I looked down and noticed I was in a naval uniform, blue stripes and white.
The carriage eventually came to a stop and I got out and I immediately recognised where I was. The narrator had mentioned that I would go to the country of my past life and the home I lived in in that life-time - so when I heard myself say "Russia" and then saw the Alexander Palace before me I knew I was home. I was holding my sailor cap in my hands and I had no shoes on - bare foot. The first thing I noticed was that Joy was running to me. Joy was one of Alexei's pet dogs. He was his last pet dog. (Joy survived the night the Imperial Family died and lived out his last years in comfortable pet luxury. - I think of him often and miss him) So I started to walk and I went into the entrance (in those times it was called the Imperial Lobby and it was the private entrance for the Imperial Family). and found myself in the Empress's lilac cabinet/study (most know it as the Mauve Boudoir in English). I felt very young, and was still in the naval uniform I had arrived in.
The Empress was on her sofa/chaise knitting and I was sitting on one of the
really comfortable easy chairs by the piano. It felt like I was 4 or 5 years old, maybe younger. I could see the top of a screen, and over it the curtains of one of the windows. Everything in the room was lilac (Russians call "mauve" lilac). The carpet was the only thing that wasn't. I looked around and saw the fireplace, lots of furniture and lots of pictures (paintings and photographs) on the walls, on the mantle and also on the surfaces of tables, little stands, etc. I turned around, and saw her again - this time in the wingback chair by the one window. She was in black and looked very sad.
The next thing I knew, I was in the room which was designated by safe place, yet it wasn't that something bad was happening. I just suddenly went to this room. It's a room that when I first became aware of the possibility of having been Alexei, I resonated with and immediately recognised this room. It was the Maple Living-Room, which was the Empress's informal drawing-room and where she received dignitaries and guests. She had another, more formal drawing-room which also functioned as the same, but this one was for family teas, meals and relaxing. I was standing, (very short) at the foot of a screen with leaded-glass and I could see the balcony of maple wood, and the carved flowers and the green cornice and white ceiling (When I was younger, I painted a watercolour of how I first remembered the room in colour and was actually surprised to know I got it right when autochrome negatives (early colour photography) surfaced and showed almost all of the Palace's rooms in vivid (though washed out) colour). After coming into the Maple Room I went up the small staircase that led to the balcony and could see furniture, bookcases and I looked toward the window (there were four in the room, one was sort of split by the balcony) saw chairs, a table. There were picture frames and some vases as well. The sun was shining through the curtains. After this, I went to a memory which startled me because I didn't expect it. The narrator told me to go to a time that I would remember and this memory came out of nowhere.
I was in the bedroom, the one that the Tsar and Empress shared. The walls were just as I remembered them, covered with pictures and icons, little trinkets, etc. I was walking to the little chapel that Mama had behind the alcove. She was lying in bed, and as I walked closer she gently grabbed my sleeve and stopped me. I don't remember what she said, but it was in Russian that I'm sure of. Her Russian wasn't exactly the best, but she knew how to speak it. Alexei spoke Russian mainly, and it wasn't until just before the War that he started to really write in English. But so, she stopped me and then the narrator said "Now we will go to the time of your death." I didn't want to go there. I wanted to stay with Mama. But I had to finish the experience.
After the narrator said this, I was at the place of my death. I was in the room where I died. I turned around, and could see everyone. My sisters, Mama to my left and Papa before us. Evgeny Sergevich, our doctor and Mama's maid Nyuta were with us. The cook Ivan Mikhailovich, (Kharitonov) and one of Papa's footman, Trupp were with us. They had stayed to share the difficult times. Many had come with us, but they were barred from seeing us anymore. Anastasia was holding Jimmy her little dog, and I knew that Joy had gotten outside. Ortipo, Tatiana's French bulldog was upstairs. I could see the yellow wall paper, and it felt so
stuffy in there. The doors were closed in front of us and Mama took my hand and she smiled at me. I felt so tired but sort of alert. Soon, Yurovsky came in, with a bunch of other men. He pulled out a piece of paper and read from it (I have read things, and Yurovsky's account I've read as well - but I never heard him say what he said to us). I didn't hear him, but I saw Papa turn and look at us. I didn't hear him but he spoke very quickly. Mama and Olga were crossing themselves and then Papa fell. I couldn't move from the chair I was sitting in, and Mama was screaming. I saw Papa go, but I couldn't look at Mama. When she went, I couldn't look at her. There was a lot of smoke and bullets were flying by. I just sat there frozen, unable to move. My eyes were shut tightly, and I was holding onto the chair with a tight grip. Then, I heard more loud bangs and saw Tatiana's head hit the back leg of my chair. I still couldn't move. I heard more bangs and felt myself slipping out of the chair and landing on the floor. I saw Yurovsky and he was stabbing me with a bayonet, and it hurt because it was piercing the jewels beneath my tunic. I had on a telyneshka (under shirt with naval uniforms) and that is where the jewels were sewn on. After fighting him off, I heard a very loud bang and everything went black.
The narrator told me that we were nearing the end of the experience, and I noticed I was back in the carriage. No one was dead, and I was not injured. I was coming back to the platform where the tree house was. Soon I woke up, and felt so drained and sleepy. I was crying, and calmed myself down. After, I drew some of the scenes I had been through (except for the death).
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I've had flashbacks of the night Alexei and his family died, but the regression was very vivid. I was the last one to die. I didn't die in the room where everyone was shot in, but outside in the forest. In flashbacks I remember waking up in the bed of a truck. It was the truck that I remember seeing, outside in the driveway. The truck is moving and it's extremely painful. I feel tired and weak. Mama is above me, and Papa to my side. They have horrifying faces and I shut my eyes tightly. After, I'm being carried and then I feel hands and feel my tunic being ripped. I feel myself being lifted and then stabbing pain and heat.
Alexei and one of his sisters (It's said either Maria or Anastasia were burned and buried with him - I believe it was Maria) were separated from the others, and their bodies were lit on fire. Their remains were found not far from the main burial site. A piece of Alexei's telyneshka was found among the bone fragments, including pieces of pottery (they poured acid on the remains to disfigure them, including beating the faces in to make sure no one found us). That validated something for me. I always thought I had worn my naval under-shirt that night, beneath my military uniform. It's really something when validation happens like that.
Anyways, I've written a small novel so apologies all around. I should eat some breakfast. I want to get my mind off what I just wrote, as I feel sad now and eating will help.
Love to you all.
- russianpast_1904.
. I definitely agree, some things cannot be explained! Ohhh, you've no idea. (though you probably do xD) Africa? How interesting! Oh, but as Lewis Caroll once wrote in Alice's world... All the best people are mad! 
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