I want to meet some creatures from my reoccurring nightmare
This got long and boring but writing this down helped me a lot. I suppose you don't even have read the whole mess to get the picture. The main thing is that I want to go back to my nightmare world and talk to some creatures there to help myself to cope with my traumatic past. Have you ever done it? I have but in a smaller scale. Those creatures only hunted me for awhile and stopped after I heard what they had to say.
I have never really thought of this (because I didn't want to) but I have had nightmares about this evil looking moon since I was about 5 years old. It doesn't happen very often but when it happens it gets really bad. Usually I am not completely in the so called realm of that moon and then I just see it from the corner of my eye or I just remember seeing it somewhere far away. But last night I fully returned there.
I remember the first dream very clearly. It was after something really bad happened to me. I am still traumatized by that event although I can't remember it clearly. I have few diagnoses related to trauma.
At the beginning of my first dream (when I was a child) I was walking on a road at night. I was scared and I was wearing a big yellow coat. Yellow like that moon. I met and old woman. I was really afraid of her. I thought she was a witch. I noticed that there was a swamp behind her, on the other side of the road. And the moon was floating above the swamp. Really close to the ground. It was huge and really yellow. The longer I looked at it the more it looked like a face but I couldn't look at it for long.
The old woman said to me: "You have a choice to make. You can pick the long and safe road that might never get you where you want to be or go through the swamp." (English is not my first language so this is just a poor translation)
I didn't want to be lost forever so I went to the swamp. And to be honest it looked beautiful. The realm of this moon looks beautiful although it is dark and scary. The Moon itself is beautiful although at the same time it is very disturbing to look at.
I didn't get stuck in the swamp but there were horrible monsters in that swamp. They tortured me and chased me around. I can faintly remember seeing a small cottage in there. At the end everything went black after I was torn apart. The last thing I heard was that woman laughing like she enjoyed looking at me dying.
I returned to that swamp last night. I was wearing yellow again and I was chased by monsters and torn apart. I saw the moon. I was in a swamp. There was also this graveyard of monsters. They were buried but not dead and when they sensed my precence they got up and attacked me in a blind rage. I also met a woman. She was young this time. I died trying to protect her. I can't remember her making any sound at all. She didn't show much emotion and she was covered in dirt. We barricaded ourselves in a shag in the graveyard and I guess that woman lives there. Maybe that shag used the be the cottage I saw as a child although back then there was no graveyard. I guess my trauma was so fresh I hadn't started burying things yet.
I still feel a bit shaky. But I think I have finally understood that the moon is an important symbol in my mind at least. I have some experience of "shamanic" journeying, meditation and lucid dreaming. I want to find that moon and face it. I have done it before to monsters and people who kept appearing in my nightmares. They have always had something very important to say. Something life changing actually.
That moon is an observer. Nothing can escape it's light. I need to know what it has seen and why my subconcious feels the need of shaking me this badly. I think it could help me. I know I make those monsters myself and try to bury them in that graveyard although I know they are not dead. Maybe the Moon knows how I can stop creating them and how I can handle those that already exist.
I would also like the meet the Swamp Lady. She could be the gravedigger. As a child I was too scared to talk to her and maybe she was kind of buried too. Maybe she buried herself. Like a monster. Because I thought she was one. She was covered in dirt after all and her shag had a dirt floor and it looked like a lot of digging had been done very recently. The dirt on her looked reddish like the dirt on the floor. The dirt in the graveyard was black. She has lost her wisdom and intelligence. She has gone backwards. I believe she is representing a part of my mind that is not working because so many other things are malfunctioning. I have lost something that could have kept my mind healthier. I had better tools as a child.
I want to return to the realm of the Moon. I was let back there fully for a reason. My brain never does things like this to me without a very good reason. I have learned to trust these things no matter how disturbing they get. Maybe I finally have some chance to heal.
I also noticed something creepy about myself. I have always been really drawn to the yellow colour of that moon. I wear that colour almost every day, paint with it etc. People associate that colour with me. I didn't actively think about this until today. It's really good this is not a horror movie...