Hi Sweetie!

[FallingLeaves]

mostly just acknowledging
the situation
that others forced me into

but it makes me sad though
always
having to be
kept
on the outside

sigh...

[FallingLeaves]

fwiw
eventually
i decided

to have a sense of humour
about my situation....

lol....

[FallingLeaves]

so a lot of times
now
when he dreams

he sees people vaguely
if at all
just senses the energies
he associates with them...

even the several celebrities
who show up sometimes
it isn't so much about them
as about
the energies he associates with them...

not that he has met them.
no not a one!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
in one dream
one of the celebrities
was wandering in a store
sunglasses on
and a scarf
and a red hat
trying not to be noticed

not that he couldn't notice her!
at least not in the dream...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
strangely enough
in another dream
around the same time
a different celebrity
was completely visible!

she was standing there
in some light blue and white dress
he looked directly in her face!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
people
in real life
can easily fool him though
just by showing up
some place
they wouldn't normally be...

he isn't good with faces lol
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
anway
he used to drive around
here and there
to and fro
in his good little car...

a lot of the places he would go
were just driving around on the highway

other places he would go
were to the forest
so he could walk around for a while...

he learned an awful lot about life
driving around
in his good little car!

At least back then
he had some motivation
to do what others say
and get some exercise
and some time in the woods...

so many lessons
to be learned
about not believing
in every fantasmagorical idea
that just randomly crossed his mind

so many lessons learned
about how
not to believe
that whatever he decided he wanted to believe
was in some way
as binding
as he wanted to believe it was!

and other lessons too
----------------------------------------------------------------
one time
when he was driving around
in the winter
the spirits told him
Drive North!

he fought with them
and wouldn't do it
he didn't trust them at that point
had been denied
the fruits of his own labors
far too many times
to want to roll the dice.

and he didn't want to be lonely either.

So then he drove south,
and he of course got stuck in the mud.

nowadays he's educated enough
to know why
that had to happen...

Anyway shortly after that
he was uncomfortably in a school
where they taught the basics
of how to go about
learning about reality

the kind of reality
jesus knew

it was like the beginning
of a 101 class

of course that is his own opinion
on what he felt happened...
but as we all know
anyone can interpret
just about anything
just about any vain way they want
so....

that was also the place
it became obvious
he would much rather be female
lol...

not that it hadn't been hinted at
for example
he always missed
being able to wear jewelry
as a child
but it wasn't allowed as he was a boy...

and some other stuff...
-----------------------------------------------------------------
anyway he wished his way out of there real quick.

same old same old
tired of getting trapped
in other people's version of reality
-----------------------------------------------------------------
he's never really forgotten
but
nowadays
wishes
he could actually
just have something real
instead of always being told
how to run around after
things he just can't have...

and then having to live or die
based only on his own ability
to stubbornly solve puzzles
while trying to just barely survive.

And then in the end
losing everything
and having to start in on it
all over again.

never getting to just have stuff
and always having to strive to get back
all the things he should just have had all along -
it gets old after a while.

[FallingLeaves]

one of his biggest problems is
being stuck in this place
where he isn't good enough the way he is
he has to have something to trade
to get any attention.

Problem is,
it is hard to get to a place
where he has any value to trade
and then his experience is
if he does indeed get there
they just mistreat him some more anyway.

He never gets to have friends;
he is EITHER
in this place
to be looked down upon
OR
he works really hard
to get into this place
where everyone wants to steal what he has worked for
and generally make a mess of his life.

Noone
ever
just likes him for him

Or wants to relate to him
in any other way.

And then they blame him
for his own troubles...

It makes him want to scream sometimes!

Sigh.

[FallingLeaves]

well,
as far as fighting with you?

I don't really have an agenda
any more

nothing I want
so much
I'm going to try to dominate you
just so I can get my own way....

in fact the very thought of dominating you
it doesn't sound so good any more...

but anyway
even
The Most Important Thing Ever (TM)
that I always do
has recently been demoted
to a hobby

it simply isn't as important
as I once thought....

it is fun
and i don't have anything better to do
and i see where it has been beneficial in some ways
so i might do it some more
but
i'm not attaching
my whole reality
around it
as if i have to have it
at any cost
like i once did
any more
either

and meanwhile
amusedly enough
i long since got over
any notion
that I have
any control
whatsoever
of you
actually being in my life

as far as I know
this moment
right here
right now
where I'm saying as I please
to clouds and sky
is the best it ever gets.

Not what I wanted maybe
but what am I supposed to do about that?
it isn't up to me....
sigh...

------------------------------------------------------------------
as far as fuming about my lot
or throwing tantrams

yes and yes and yes it is so fun!

I'm just so glad though
we are long past the point
where you think it a good idea
to give me
the things I am supposing I want

lol...

[FallingLeaves]

if i choose not to share
certain things

it is because
I don't feel like
having my heart torn out
by ravenous wolves.

What was that saying?

'don't throw your pearls before swine'.

so some things will remain
for me alone.

[FallingLeaves]

hi sweetie

my very long post
up and went away...
lol....
not my idea
but it is ok anyway...

anyway ab said something
about me saying something
about being an empath?
before it vanished with the tide?

Maybe i use the word wrong,
i dunno.
Wouldn't be the first time!
lol.

But I guess there is more to me
anyway
than all these words
that i share with you
in paper world...

or my schizophrenic view
of the outer reality...

i thought you would have figured that out
by now?

empathy seems like a good word for it
if i have to have a word for it...
lol...

[FallingLeaves]

wants to find something to say
but doesn't have anything to say

taps fingers on table

well maybe tomorrow...

[FallingLeaves]

well,
i found something
really beautiful
these last couple of days

but

I've said way too much
and now I guess
it is time
to reap the punishment
for that

so
i guess I'll just quit doing stuff
while I wait for
more harshness..

[FallingLeaves]

well just maybe
everyone thinks
i'm as silly
as i must sound!

That would be a relief (sigh).